Bridal Shower Present

toreylea

I'm the MOH in a wedding and in planning the bridal shower I'm putting out a substancially larger amount of money then the other bridesmaids because they can't afford it apparently. Not to mention I'm planning and doing everything...Is it cheap or tacky to let the bride know that my present to her is the shower  because I'm paying for the majority of it?

mbcdefg

Yes, the bride ought to graciously accept whatever you choose to give her. Giving her the shower and no additional gift is perfectly fine. I would at least give her a nice card. Or maybe you can do something inexpensive and homemade, like a nice scrapbook or a knitted afghan or something. If she's any kind of friend, she will appreciate your kindness above all else.

However, did you talk to the BMs about their budgets BEFORE you planned the shower? Did you ask if they wanted to contribute money? Or did you just plan it and say, "O.K., you each owe me $x"? Or did you gather them in a group and say, "I will need $x from each of you, is that O.K.?"

If you didn't discuss it with them before you planned, then that's your own fault. Lesson learned - never ask someone to give you money unless you are including you in the planning, and never assume that you "know" someone's financial situation. Only plan the type of event that you can afford to pay for on your own should the need arise, or wait until you have all the participants' cash in hand before you commit to a larger budget.

If you asked them about their budget in a group, some girls may have felt pressured to agree with that budget out of fear of embarrassment in front of the others. Or fear of looking like a biitch or a wet blanket by saying that she wouldn't be able to give you that much. If that's the case, then next time when you discuss money with people, do it in private with each person so that she is free to talk about it more openly and honestly.

If you DID discuss it with them ahead of time and then they bailed out on you for no good reason, then yeah, that sucks. But unfortunately there's really nothing you can do about it. Just don't count on them for anything important in the future.

lizstill13

Yes and yes.

Have you tried cutting back on whatever it is that you are planning? Bridal showers shouldn't be expensive events that people go into debt for. You could just have dessert and punch or something at someone's house with a mimimum of people and that shouldn't break the bank.

Go back and asks the other BMs what they CAN afford and plan accordingly.

stina93446

That's not tacky at all. The shower IS a gift. If that's all you can afford, so be it. The bride should be gracious and accept that. If you want, you can always get a potted plant as a decoration and give it to her at the end as a party favor.

gottahavashorti

I think a shower is a gift, but ditto Liz that showers don't need to be expensive either.

toreylea

Trust me I'm going as thrifty as possible, I'm designing and printing the invites myself. Doing a "cookie bar" and baking all the cookies myself for it. It's definitly not a lavish or expensive shower. I shopped around at a bunch of places to for cost prices. And I discussed budgets with the girls, the shower isn't til July so I figured letting everyone know awhile in advance gives everyone time to prepare and save. I have no credit cards so I'm preparing and saving myself. I just want it to be nice for the bride. I will definitly include a nice card or something small as part of the shower being the present. I just still feel tacky, how do I tell the bride I put out more money without throwing the other bridesmaids under the bus?

toreylea

P.s. we have no house to have it at (I'm in an apartment) and it's in July so we needed to book a place indoors.

mbcdefg

Doing a "cookie bar" and baking all the cookies myself for it.

Sounds great!

And I discussed budgets with the girls, the shower isn't til July so I figured letting everyone know awhile in advance gives everyone time to prepare and save.

But did you say, "What can you afford?" or did you say, "I will need $x from each of you"?

If they said, "I can afford to give you $X" and you planned around that and now they're backing out, I think you have the right to say to them, "Look, I planned this party based on what you told me you could spend, and now I'm stuck with a price that I can't really swing on my own. Since we have three more months, can you crunch the numbers and see if there's any way that you can put aside the amount we agreed on?"

If you TOLD them what they owe you, then who are you to say what they can and cannot afford? Plus, a lot of people would probably resent being told what they have to spend, even if they CAN afford it. And they may also resent if you are doing all the planning and not involving them. My local board did a poll about this recently and nearly everyone said, "I'm willing to put in almost any affordable amount to give the bride a nice shower ... but I really hate being TOLD what I have to spend, even it's a small amount, and especially if the MOH takes over the planning and only wants my money instead of my input."

If you took the former approach, have a polite talk with them and see if they can give you some/all of what they promised you. If you took the latter approach, then I would call them and apologize. And maybe if you apologize, they will help out more after all and you will not have to pay for everything yourself.  

I just still feel tacky, how do I tell the bride I put out more money without throwing the other bridesmaids under the bus?

You don't. It WOULD be quite tacky to somehow announce to her, "I paid more for this shower than the other BMs!" You should be throwing her a shower to make HER happy, not to get recognition for it. I understand that you want her to know that the shower is your gift to her, but if she's any kind of friend, she will appreciate the party and will not ask you where your gift is.

I would just give her the card and personally make no mention of it. Maybe write a heartfelt note thanking her for her friendship and then end it with, "I hope you've enjoyed the shower! I really loved being able to put it together for you."

toreylea

I emailed the girls and told them what the cost could range $75-$100 depending on a few things. They all said that was completely reasonable. So it was private and not in front of anyone. Now there all coming back saying they can only do the lowest amount regardless. That's why i'm covering the additional costs. Oh well....at the end of the day I know the shower will be amazing and the bride will be happy. And I'll be planning it the way I want since none of the bridesmaids care to pay or even help for that matter.

emilyinchile

As PPs have said, it's fine to have the shower be your gift.

Although since you presumably have not seen the other BMs' bank accounts, I think you could cut the snotty tone. If they can't afford it, that's fine, and it would be ridiculous for them to go into debt over a party.. And actually even if they can afford it and just don't want to spend their money on this, that's also fine since no one including you is obligated to throw the bride a shower.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]As PPs have said, it's fine to have the shower be your gift. Although since you presumably have not seen the other BMs' bank accounts, I think you could cut the snotty tone. If they can't afford it, that's fine, and it would be ridiculous for them to go into debt over a party.. And actually even if they can afford it and just don't want to spend their money on this, that's also fine since no one including you is obligated to throw the bride a shower.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
This, exactly.  A cookie bar does sound good, though.  Does anyone else have a house or live in an apartment/condo complex with a conference room or clubhouse?  Or if someone belongs to a church you might be able to use a classroom or hall at that church.

toreylea

I didn't mean to come across as snotty. This is the fourth wedding I've been in, second one maid of honor so I have experience with it. Not to mention her sister is the matron of honor in this wedding as well. No one has come forward to help out or offer suggestions so like I said I'll do it my way. My approach is give people plenty of notice and time so they can be involved and prepare and if they don't want to I'm not going to chase them around to be included. And not throwing a shower is just out of the question these days I wouldn't dream of not doing one for my best friend.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-shower-present?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b442acc-9ef0-44eb-87fd-ef53ffb82308Post:c88b8dd5-e7da-4529-b775-e4d04bda205c">Re: Bridal Shower Present</a>:
[QUOTE]I emailed the girls and told them what the cost could range $75-$100 depending on a few things. They all said that was completely reasonable. So it was private and not in front of anyone. Now there all coming back saying they can only do the lowest amount regardless. That's why i'm covering the additional costs. Oh well....at the end of the day I know the shower will be amazing and the bride will be happy. And I'll be planning it the way I want since none of the bridesmaids care to pay or even help for that matter.
Posted by toreylea[/QUOTE]

I hadn't seen this when I wrote my last post. You went about it the wrong way, and I'm not surprised they're not falling all over themselves to help. You don't tell people how much is expected - you ask them if they would like to help you decide what to do, and if they say yes then you all work together to figure out what different things will cost and how much you can each afford. If it turns out that the shower YOU decided to do is out of YOUR price range, YOU are responsible for changing your plans.

And again, the fact that they don't want to help you doesn't mean they are in the wrong. It just means that they are not hosting this event and therefore do not get either the credit or the bill.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I didn't mean to come across as snotty. This is the fourth wedding I've been in, second one maid of honor so I have experience with it. Not to mention her sister is the matron of honor in this wedding as well. No one has come forward to help out or offer suggestions so like I said I'll do it my way. My approach is give people plenty of notice and time so they can be involved and prepare and if they don't want to I'm not going to chase them around to be included. And not throwing a shower is just out of the question these days I wouldn't dream of not doing one for my best friend.
Posted by toreylea[/QUOTE]
It does sound like you're upset that the other BMs aren't able to go to $100.  But as malphabet has said a couple times now, the right way to go about it would be to ask the BMs whether they'd like to help you host the shower and how much they can afford to contribute.  Base the food, location, guest list size on that amount.

Is renting a venue going to be more expensive than having the shower at a restaurant?  If there are 4 BMs including yourself and they are able to afford $75 each, you could do brunch at a restaurant or lunch at a cafe.

toreylea

I'm doing the event at a small tea room. I looked at five different places in our local area and this was the most reasonable. Personally I feel I did my part in the beginning asking for suggestions asking people what they could afford. A bridal party is supposed to throw the shower. It is not about who gets credit, it's about making the day special for the bride. Putting a few extra dollars aside every pay check is not too much to ask. If you cannot afford to be in the wedding and contribute then they should have politely declined when asked. My original post was not about all of their drama but if it was okay to give the shower as the gift and how to convey this in a non tacky manner.

CA2MT4EveR

I agree with Banana.  A "gift" does not have to be a tangible item.  If she is a sincere person, she will get it.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-shower-present?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b442acc-9ef0-44eb-87fd-ef53ffb82308Post:ead2f366-5c12-42f6-8e4a-36142907289a">Re: Bridal Shower Present</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm doing the event at a small tea room. I looked at five different places in our local area and this was the most reasonable. <strong>Personally I feel I did my part in the beginning asking for suggestions asking people what they could afford. A bridal party is supposed to throw the shower.</strong> It is not about who gets credit, it's about making the day special for the bride. <strong>Putting a few extra dollars aside every pay check is not too much to ask. If you cannot afford to be in the wedding and contribute then they should have politely declined when asked.</strong> My original post was not about all of their drama but if it was okay to give the shower as the gift and how to convey this in a non tacky manner.
Posted by toreylea[/QUOTE]

<div>To the bolded portions: Um, no. The bridesmaids should be those people who the bride could not imagine not having by her side when she gets married. It is a way of honoring your closest friends. It is not about who can plan parties and contribute the most money, nor does one's ability to do so dictate what kind of friend she is. It is great that you want to throw a shower for the bride, and that you can afford to contribute more than the other girls, but that doesn't make the other girls less of a friend. It doesn't even sound like you asked who wanted to co-host a shower with you. You just assumed that they all wanted to host a shower with you. And you know what they say about assuming. Next time you need to first ask who wants to co-host with you and THEN ask what each co-host is able to contribute. Then, base the budget on that amount. Period.</div>