FMIL-Rehearsal Dinner vent

apfoster05

so for some reason my FMIL thinks that the RD is supposed to include all of the OOT guesta, well for me thats 80% of my family and friends, as well as 50% of my FI family.

So we met the other day and counted it up and its like 150-175 ppl and she has included the rest of here family that lives here.

I am really upset about this, because i want it to be really intimate and not half of our guest list for the wedding...I would like just the bridal party, parents, and grandparents.

What is the best way to go about asking her not to do this and to say money and help us with the reception?

oh btw, she just wants to do dinner at the RD not entertainment or anything(can you say boring)

mbcdefg

Tell her one more time, "FMIL, we really appreciate your offer to host the rehearsal dinner. We'd love it if it could be a somewhat small party ... we don't want you spending all that money, and plus we feel like a large RD might overshadow the wedding reception the next day."

If she refuses, you have two options:

1. Grin and bear it and let her throw the kind of party she wants to throw.

2. Thank her for her generosity, but say that it's very important to you and FI to have the kind of RD that the two of you really want, and so you'll be turning down her gift and financing the RD yourselves.

Ideally, your FI should be the one telling her this, since it's his mother. (And I don't really get the "no entertainment" complaint, since RD's usually don't have entertainment anyway.  That doesn't seem to fit the idea of an "intimate" RD.)

bablingbrooke

If you want a small, intimate RD, you can decline hers and throw your own (and pay for it).  But ff she's paying for it and throwing it, she can invite whomever she wants.  Don't fight it.

We had 80 people at our RD--all the OOT guests from DH's side, all the OOT family from my side.  The ILs paid and threw it, so we went with it, even though I had some reservations.  It didn't overshadow the wedding the next day at all.

We also did just dinner.  No entertainment.  Wasn't boring at all.  We actually, get ready for this...talked to our guests!  Imagine!  And it was great!

lindy.linder

Is she paying?

Our families are paying for the rehearsal dinner so when FMIL demanded all her friends get invited to the RD we said as long as everyone fits into the previously agreed upon space.

If you are paying I think that you are allowed to cut it down and have your FI explain to her that you both want a smaller intimate rehearsal dinner. I also suggest that when you tell her this you give her a set number of invites that she can have. That way she can choose the people that mean the most to her

jeannigirl

The RD is actually meant for just those who are in the WP  and the parents of the B&G. Your FI needs to be the one to tell her that not you, that will just create some drama.

If she wants to fork over the money for all those guests I guess that would be her choice. Thats what the friggin reception is for. Holy crap girl.

KappaK

Ditto PP.  If she is paying for it then she gets to say who goes.  RD is supposed to include OOT guests as a nice gesture because otherwise they might be in an area that they don't know.  I feel your pain, once we invite OOT guest, the BP and their dates and of course family, we will have most of the wedding guests, but I am looking it as a just another way to spend time with the people I hold most dear.

SarahPLiz

We are in the same boat, as most guests are OOT. However, FI's family is unable to host the RD, so we will be paying. We have almost certainly decided on doing the rehearsal earlier in the day, and then taking our immediate family and the rest of the WP out to lunch at a nice place.
Then, in the evening, we will host a pizza and beer type of get together at the hotel where we blocked rooms, so we can unwind with our OOT guests.
We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, so we can't really afford to feed all of our guests a really nice meal twice. Plus our ceremony might be so simple that we don't even need a rehearsal, so we can just do the party that night at the hotel.

tidetravel

Most rehearsal dinners DO include OOT guests.  They also do not include entertainment.  It's the rehearsal, dinner, and then go home.  

If she is HOSTING the RD, then she gets to decide who she wants there - if it's 175 people, then so be it.  You don't get to tell her to cut the guest list for the RD and contribute money to the reception.

If you REALLY want an intimate RD, politely decline her offer and host it (and pay for it) yourself. 

duckie1905

If she is paying she gets to call the shots.  So, either let her do what she wants or decline her offer to pay and pay for it yourself.

Additionally, you don't get to tell her how to spend your money.  So saying "FMIL, thanks for the offer but can we have a small RD and then put the rest of the money towards the reception?" is not appropriate.

aerinpegadrak

OOT guests at the RD appears to be regional: in some areas it's expected, in others it's just a courtesy.

I've never been to a rehearsal dinner that was anything but dinner.  It's not supposed to be a big production, it's just a little extra recognition and thanks for the WP.

mm45737

my mil wanted to do the same thing, only she wanted all the oot guests to sit at the rehearsal, watch everything, and then go out to dinner w/ us. i told her that i would be in charge of the guest list, as i only wanted wp, s/o's and our parents. i told her if she was ok w/ that, then we would accept her offer to pay for the rd, but i said if she continued to press the issue, we would pay for it ourselves. she still paid for it, and no oot guests came. (we had a huge oot list too, and i didnt want everyone watching the wedding, well, before the wedding). i would suggest to just sit and talk to her, w/ fi, and come to an agreement. good luck!

blackfire5th

Including OOT guests is a regional or family thing.  My family has always included OOT guests.  DH family doesn't (but they don't always get along).

There were about 80 people at our RD and it wasn't anything fancy.  My IL's were great and rented the church hall and brought in Qdoba catering.  It was awesome!

We also didn't need any entertainment (I've never heard of having entertainment at a RD) because it was very relaxed and Dh and I got a chance  to catch up with our friends and soem family.  Everyone was mingling and having a great time.

duckie1905

That's a good point that I didn't catch before. I have never been to an RD that had any sort of entertainment. I didn't think any of them were boing.  They are called rehearsal DINNERs afterall, so I'm not sure what else I would expect other than dinner.

Why would you be against her spending her money to invite more people but not against her blowing her money for entertainment?

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1ce7544f-ae5e-4bcc-bcf4-dae845a49359Post:e668838c-0126-4108-a30c-510bd2494de0">Re: FMIL-Rehearsal Dinner vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Most rehearsal dinners DO include OOT guests.[/QUOTE]

I have to respectfully disagree with you, TT (and I mainly wanted to test the quote feature, lol) ... I had never heard of including OOT guests at rehearsal dinners until I started chatting here.

And I think we can blame it on individuals rather than regions, because most of my local girls say it's rude not to invite OOT guests to the RD. AND they think it's rude not to provide transportation between the reception hall and the hotel. Meanwhile I think those two things are not at all required.

Simply Fated

If she's paying, then it's up to her. If you want it to be a more intimate affair, then you can slyly casually suggest it by saying, "You know, if it's too much stress for you, then FI and I would be perfectly happy with just a small dinner with immediate family. Think of how much easier it will be for you.," but you dont get a final say in it.
Look on the bright side, the OOT people might not be familar with the area and would you rather them be wandering the area in search of places to eat alone?

Also, I have never seen or heard of a RD with any form of entertainment other than food. You don't want the RD to overshadow the wedding... eat, drink, talk.. but dancing is not needed to eat dinner.

swim1011

I'm going to pretty much agree with the PPs.  If you don't like the amount of people, talk to her straight, or pay up for it yourselves.

Our RD won't be small, but we just have that many people in our 'close' family. And if we invited all of our OOT people, we might as well just be having the reception, because everyone is OOT!  Regional thing, I guess. 

emilyinchile

I've heard some people opting for getting all the OOT guests together for a drink in the bar of the hotel where most of them are staying. If that's something you could do, and FMIL is mostly worried about OOTs not feeling welcomed or having something to do that night, perhaps your FI could ask her how she feels about organizing/paying for a smaller RD earlier in the evening with just WP and immediate family and then you guys taking care of a drink with everyone afterward. He should talk to her, not you, since it's his mom.

If that idea doesn't work, then I think your option is to politely refuse her money and do the event you want. And ditto PPs, you cannot ask her to put money she would have spent on the RD toward the reception, you don't get to dictate what she chooses to give you as a gift.

lyndausvi

Most wedding I've been to included OOT guests.  We did also. 

We had 100+ people at our RD.  It was so much fun.  I got to talked to most of the guests, which really took the pressure off of the wedding day.  I loved being able to spend more than a few moments with them over the course of the weekend.

If she is paying, then I would go with the flow. 

bablingbrooke

I had never heard of it either but it was really important to DH"s family since they were coming in from all over the world.  Some of them took three planes and spent 24 hours in the air to get to out wedding.  And then, what, we're not going to invite them to the RD?

So it can be cultural, it can be regional.  But I think if the person hosting and paying for it wants it (like with my ILs) just let them.  We had about 2/3 our guest list at our RD.  I was sure it would overshadow the reception the next day.  It didn't.  And it gave us more time to spend with the people who had traveled far and wide to come to the wedding.

lyndausvi

As far as OOT people being invited to the RD.  Yes, I do think back in the day it was standard to invite OOT guest.  That is because in most cases couple married people in their local area.  If there was someone from OOT is was a huge deal they were coming to the wedding.  To make them feel special for the added expense they tried to make sure their entire stay was comfortable, including inviting them to the RD.

These days people are more transient and better travelled in general. More often you will marry someone not from your hometown, so guests will have to travel to a wedding.  OOT weddings are not as much of a big deal anymore. 

Some people old traditions have not caught up to the times.

trix1223

At my son and DIL's wedding, we did include OOT guests, and everyone was so happy we did.  It gave the bride and groom a chance to visit more with people who had taken the trouble to travel for their wedding.  Without the RD, they would have spent perhaps 10 minutes with their OOT guests at the wedding.

It ended up being about 50% of the guest list.  They did not attend the actual rehearsal, though.  It was also a very laid back, picnic style RD.

And I have never heard of "entertainment" at an RD.  I'm very intrigued and curious to know what kind of entertainment you're thinking you need to have?

aerinpegadrak

For the record, we're not having a rehearsal or traditional RD, but we're having a "rehearsal" lunch the day of the wedding to which our entire guest list is invited.  I don't think it will take away from the reception at all, and I'm looking forward to having a little more time to spend with people.  (It's a DW so it's technically OOT for everyone, but most of the guest list is not local to us so they would have been traveling regardless.)

No one is going to mistake your RD for your reception, I promise.

JaimeeP

That is very generous of your FMIL to include OOT guests at the RD. If she is hosting and paying, you should thank her and let her plan the dinner. This will be an opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your guests. No entertainment is neccessary.

banana468

I think the only solution is to do as PPs said and turn down the offer and pay for your own RD.

It's understandable to want a more intimate event but also put yourself in your FMIL's shoes.  She's doing her best to be hospitable to your future family who will be traveling to watch you get married.

Nothing about the RD will overshadow the wedding reception - but a beautiful gracious bride will show the guests that they're in store for a fantastic day when they leave the dinner.

paula2131

Agree with PP - if they are paying, the guest list is up to them. 

I think the OOT thing is a holdover from when most people married someone from their hometown in said town and OOT guests weren't the majority. 

lovemygrandkids

MoB here. If your FMIL is paying for it, the final decision is hers.  In my experience a lot of OOT guests are just arriving Friday evening and settling in to their hotel and the last thing they want to do is rush to get ready for a RD.  Perhaps you and your fiance can have a friendly discussion about your concerns. Otherwise just go with the flow.

We were asked to host the RD by my daughter and her fiance and as the groom's family and friends are all from OOT as is quite a few of my DD's family, I am hoping that the groom's parents don't request for OOT guests to attend as the event is going to be held in our backyard in the form of a bbq.  I just don't want to be overwhelmed with food preparation and costs and cleanup the night before the wedding.  I don't know what their expectations, customs are in that regard, but I'll just cross that bridge when it comes.  We are hosting a gift opening at a brunch on the Sunday so hopefully that will suffice for a relaxed visit between bride and groom and family/OOT friends before they leave to return home.