Deleted

atrimblett

Deleted the message because frankly my intentions of asking other brides for help was taken WAY out of context and I do not need to be criticized by people that don't even know me.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-how-can-we-motivate-our-bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbbc77-5031-4aad-beb6-9063a14f968cPost:61cfa92c-373d-4cb7-a0da-4c0357897393">Help! How can we motivate our bestman!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I'm hoping you may have some ideas or experience with how to motivate a <strong>lazy bestman!</strong> So my fiances bestman is his brother. My fiance used to be really close with his brother but over the last two years since he <strong>got a girlfriend he has changed a lot and has become really inconsiderate, disinterested in the family and frankly rude. His girlfriend is quite controlling and is anti-social so she hugely influences his choices...which is why he never comes to any family functions and bluntly refuses to join in on special family get togethers...ex. mothers day! </strong>So the boiling point for both my fiance and I was when he was asked if he had put any thought into a bachelor party for my fiance (his brother!) and he said no he hadn't given it any thought and he left it at that. He has offered to help with a single thing! And when we try to talk to him about wedding things (ex. giving a toast at the wedding) he just blows us off. So my fiance decided that he didn't want to to depend on his brother to plan something (because honestly he probably wouldn't!) so <strong>he has asked one of his close friends to plan his bachelor party</strong>. We just needs ideas of how to motivate and include him! It's quite sad actually because my fiance told me that he regrets making his brother his best man! Sounds bad but I agree. Other family have asked why don't we just tell him he needs to step up or if he's not interested than one of his other friends would be happy to be his BM. I personally think this would cause chaos within the family and really hurt his parents! So, if you have experience with a similar situation or any helpful advice that would be great! Thanks!
Posted by atrimblett[/QUOTE]

The best man isnt required to do any of the stuff you are asking. He is standing for your wedding day that is all. To call him lazy and treat him like this is a pretty certain way to turn him off to wedding festivities. I have seen ALL of the groomsmen make toasts, special friends, etc so it does not have to JUST be the best man. They  put my ex on the spot like that at his sister's wedding. He said 2 sentences and froze. He hates confrontation and speaking in public. So you are pretty out of line here.

I think it is harsh that you are blaming his girlfriend for not going to family functions. Perhaps they have started coming to less and less family functions because of the way people, and it appears including yourself, have treated her. Or maybe conflicting work schedules. Or a million other things.  I know my FI has stopped going to as many family functions because we are both working 2 jobs, have 4 dogs, and have our own stuff going on. We do occasionally like to see each other. Tommorow, we are going to help my dad work on his house, popping into FIs cousins grad party for maybe an hour and spending the evening at **gasps** our own house. It very well could be the same with this couple. You guys are getting married and have your own crap going on, so judging someone else for the same reasons is harsh.

A bachelor party is a gift. No one should feel pressured into planning one for you.

With that said, I would arrange a dinner or something non wedding related to see whats going on and to offer an olive branch. Sounds like this brother is getting a lot of pressure from a lot of people and it maybe spilling into his relationship with his girlfriend. That is not really fair to either of them.

mbcdefg

You two actually asked someone to throw your fianc a party? Ewwww. Tacky.

laurenoliveira23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-how-can-we-motivate-our-bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbbc77-5031-4aad-beb6-9063a14f968cPost:61cfa92c-373d-4cb7-a0da-4c0357897393">Help! How can we motivate our bestman!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I'm hoping you may have some ideas or experience with how to motivate a lazy bestman! So my fiances bestman is his brother. <strong>My fiance used to be really close with his brother but over the last two years since he got a girlfriend he has changed a lot and has become really inconsiderate, disinterested in the family and frankly rude. His girlfriend is quite controlling and is anti-social so she hugely influences his choices...which is why he never comes to any family functions and bluntly refuses to join in on special family get togethers...ex. mothers day! </strong>So the boiling point for both my fiance and I was when he was asked if he had put any thought into a bachelor party for my fiance (his brother!) and he said no he hadn't given it any thought and he left it at that. He has offered to help with a single thing! And when we try to talk to him about wedding things (ex. giving a toast at the wedding) he just blows us off. So my fiance decided that he didn't want to to depend on his brother to plan something (because honestly he probably wouldn't!) so he has asked one of his close friends to plan his bachelor party. We just needs ideas of how to motivate and include him! It's quite sad actually because my fiance told me that he regrets making his brother his best man! Sounds bad but I agree. Other family have asked why don't we just tell him he needs to step up or if he's not interested than one of his other friends would be happy to be his BM. I personally think this would cause chaos within the family and really hurt his parents! So, if you have experience with a similar situation or any helpful advice that would be great! Thanks!
Posted by atrimblett[/QUOTE]


you really sound like my fiances sister and brother in law and let me tell you ... they ruined their relationship with him. id stop judging her and try to make an effort or watch it go downhill.

my fiance didnt see his mom on mothers day and actually hasnt seen her since. people are busy. he made a phone call and that sufficed.

m tulli

He doesn't have to be involved in helping to plan your wedding. Guys generally don't get excited about weddings.  Maybe with his relationship he is uncomfortable going to a batchlor party.  I know some couples don't like that sort of things.  Sounds like your making a big deal out of nothing.

Your right asking him to step down will create family drama.  Not worth it.  

Ask far as asking someone to throw him a BP that is tacky.  You don't ask someone to throw you showers or BP. They are parties in your honor and if no one offers you don't have them.  That ship has sailed but for future reference.  

GoodLuckBear14

Forget about your wedding and work on your relationship with the guy and his GF.  Even if they break up, he will never forget how you acted.

I'll also add that whenever someone I loved began dating a controlling person, I made it a point to stay close to them so that when the pieces fell, they would have at least one person they could turn to if they needed help getting out.

aerinpegadrak

If this is how you're treating him, no wonder he doesn't want to hang out with you guys anymore.

bratto06

Um you should look up wedding Etuiqette no one HAS to throw you guys any parties and asking is super yucky

atrimblett

okay clearly you all are making HUGE assumptions. Funny how a forum that is supposed to be for helping people quickly turns into an attacking thing.

1) I would NEVER tell him that I think he is being lazy. We are always VERY nice to him.

2) He is not busy. He does not work. He plays video games all day so his disinterest in family functions (SUDDENLY) is not  because he is swamped. And we treat his girlfriend VERY nicely.  

3) It's not like we straight up requested to plan a bachelor party. He asked if that was part of the general duties of a BM...which it is.

Well that was a huge waste of time. Apparently you all feel better about yourself when you criticize others Can you say judgement...

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-how-can-we-motivate-our-bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbbc77-5031-4aad-beb6-9063a14f968cPost:8f010eb9-4b39-4604-8509-3989b231dc0c">Re: Help! How can we motivate our bestman!</a>:
[QUOTE]okay clearly you all are making HUGE assumptions. Funny how a forum that is supposed to be for helping people quickly turns into an attacking thing. 1) I would NEVER tell him that I think he is being lazy. We are always VERY nice to him. 2) He is not busy. He does not work. He plays video games all day so his disinterest in family functions (SUDDENLY) is not  because he is swamped. And we treat his girlfriend VERY nicely.   3) It's not like we straight up requested to plan a bachelor party. He asked if that was part of the general duties of a BM...which it is. Well that was a huge waste of time. Apparently you all feel better about yourself when you criticize others :) Can you say judgement...
Posted by atrimblett[/QUOTE]

1) I'm sure he gets that you think he's being lazy even if you don't come out and say it.

2) What he does with his free time is, again, none of your business.  And his girlfriend is also likely picking up on the vibe as well.

3) It's not part of the duties of the best man.  The best man traditionally does it, but the couple's not supposed to have any hand at all in planning the party.  Anyone can do it, and if no one offers to, it doesn't happen.  You'll be just as married without a bachelor party.  The duties of the best man are to get the outfit and stand for the ceremony, full stop.  Anything else is optional and should be done because the person genuinely wants to.

You were quoted, so it does no good to delete.  If anything, more people will come by out of curiosity than would have checked out your post otherwise.

bratto06

Well I would love all these ladies to be honest with me when I ask a question...I would rather hear it from strangers so I know the truth and can change me act instead of act like a BRIDEZILLA..no one is attacking you...if you reread you orginial post and look at it from a outside prosective you will see what we do

Good Luck

MyNameIsNot

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.  People who are still so immature and self absorbed are getting married all over the place.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-how-can-we-motivate-our-bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbbc77-5031-4aad-beb6-9063a14f968cPost:4aafa581-fe8e-48c0-92d9-1faef30065b9">Re: Deleted</a>:
[QUOTE]No wonder the divorce rate is so high.  People who are still so immature and self absorbed are getting married all over the place.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

But it keeps you in business MNIN :)  You of all people should be encouraging people to get married looong before they are mature enough.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-how-can-we-motivate-our-bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbbc77-5031-4aad-beb6-9063a14f968cPost:61cfa92c-373d-4cb7-a0da-4c0357897393">Deleted</a>:
[QUOTE]Deleted the message because frankly my intentions of asking other brides for help was taken WAY out of context and I do not need to be criticized <strong>by people that don't even know me.
</strong>Posted by atrimblett[/QUOTE]

Also, this is silly.  The whole point of posting on a message board is to talk to people that don't know you, and the only context we have is what you provided.

SugarFoote

OP, You were quoted.

Also DDing only draws more attention to your post. Your title is the only reason I opened this thread...