Who to make Maid of Honor??!!

angelamarie81

Here is my dilemma...

I just moved to Florida.

My best friend of almost 20 years is living in Oklahoma. I have a close friend here in Florida, but still wouldn't consider her a better friend than the one in Oklahoma. I obviously hang out more with the newer friend. My BFF in Oklahoma has her own life going on with kids, hubby and so on.... 

My question is... who do I choose as Maid of Honor? My BFF who won't be here until a day or two before? Or the friend who is here, who can help plan and do things with me?!

bablingbrooke

Don't ever, ever, ever pick your MOH based on who you assume will be able and willing to help you plan.  Planning is not the MOH's job; don't believe the wedding industry's list of "must do's" for the MOH--most, if not all, involve you or her spending lots of money.

If you can't name your MOH in 4 seconds, you either 1) have the good problem of too many close friends to choose between and should either have multiple or no MOH, or 2) you are using the wrong criteria.

SarahPLiz

ditto what Brooke said.

FWIW, I will see my wedding party once in the next year, but that doesn't make them any less special to me. My MOH's are a college sophomore in the honors program (little sis) and a college professor with two too many research projects going at once (older sis), whose husband is trying to finish his masters. I still bounce ideas off of them through email and it matters not if they respond right away.

So either choose one, both, or none, but don't do it on the basis of who is more available to help you plan.

stina93446

Pick your close and best friend. It sounds like Ms. Oklahoma is it!

Do not EVER assume that people will help you with your wedding. It's not their job, and they have their own lives. You should never pick your BP based on who will help the most. 

emilyinchile

DITTO. In all caps because it's important.

I live in Chile. My MOH lives in PA, two BMs live in CA and one BM lives in Chile but has been traveling Europe for 4 months. If I were picking based on who's nearby, I'd have a WP filled with acquaintances. Those acquaintances would also probably drop out and never become true friends if I expected them to run wedding errands for me. The only people who should plan and do things are you and FI. If parents or friends offer to help, thank them profusely, and consider yourself lucky to have their help.

pigeonol

I recently was an MOH from out of state. Michigan to Texas was a large jump and needless to say a LOT of issues were created. My whole view on it is that first your MOH is NOT someone you can just tell what to do and think they can do everything. They are there to have fun with you and be by your side when you need them.....So in my opinion you can make either one a maid of honor. If you make your friend from Oklahoma your MOH then allow her to help you on things that include sending ideas and listening with you on the phone when you are panicked about everything. The first bridesmaid can organize with you...your new friend will understand...and even get them in touch via email or something so that your old friend can even give ideas to her or send her things that she believes will help out in planning and destressing you. It is just to stressful if you hold your standards up really high for someone who is so far away....

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e14a959-20db-4a93-a335-ddb2f68a38c1Post:b749fa91-4f1e-4ffa-8060-ee8bf892a27e">Re: Who to make Maid of Honor??!!</a>:
[QUOTE] If I were picking based on who's nearby, I'd have a WP filled with acquaintances. 
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>Same for me.  I live in London, my wedding is outside of Philadelphia, BM are in Boston, Western PA and my MOH is my sister in college.  They will all buy a dress and are happy to stand up with me. </div>

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e14a959-20db-4a93-a335-ddb2f68a38c1Post:0382df12-3e37-4994-b4ba-d0371a5c8c1e">Re: Who to make Maid of Honor??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]IMy whole view on it is that first your MOH is NOT someone you can just tell what to do and think they can do everything. They are there to have fun with you and be by your side when you need them.....  It is just to stressful if you hold your standards up really high for someone who is so far away....
Posted by pigeonol[/QUOTE]


You're right that the MOH is not someone that you can just tell what to do.

You're wrong that the purpose of a MOH is to be by your side when you need them (unless you mean emotionally ... which a best friend would do anyway, and that doesn't matter whether she lives around the corner or across the globe ... phone and Internet are wonderful inventions that allow people to communicate with anyone they wish, remember). The MOH is just supposed to be your closest friend, not the best helper.

It's going to be stressful for the bride is she holds ANYONE up to high expectations. Because (a) a general rule for weddings is that, since nobody will ever care about someone's wedding as much as the bride herself does, she's going to be let down if she doesn't follow that mantra; and (b) just because someone is getting married doesn't give her carte blanche to suddenly expect more from her friends than they would ever do for her in regular life.

If someone's the type of friend who always calls you to see how things are going, always offers to help out with things, always wants to do nice things for you (like throw you a birthday party) ... then as long as you treat her nicely during the engagement, then she'll likely keep on doing these things.

If someone's always been the type of friend who's a little selfish, only wants to do things her own way, isn't the type to reach out first, doesn't ask how your life is going and only wants to talk about herself, etc. ... then she's not going to change just because you suddenly have a diamond ring on your finger.

CTGirl30

You choose the person who you will ask to be MOH based on who you feel is your dearest friend.  It is, after all, a position of honor. Choose carefully - sounds like your friend in OK is definately the friend you're closest with.

It's your and FI's job to plan your wedding so please don't buy into the hype that MOHs and BMs have "duties" aside from obtaining the agreed upon attire for your wedding day, showing up clean and sober and on time to stand beside you for the ceremony, and to participate in the photos.

You don't choose a MOH for these reasons (just some examples):
The person who lives the closest to you; the person who would be likely to volunteer the most for wedding-related projects or is most likely to throw you a party; a sense of either obligation or guilt.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]My question is... who do I choose as Maid of Honor? My BFF who won't be here until a day or two before? Or the friend who is here, who can help plan and do things with me?!
Posted by angelamarie81[/QUOTE]

Your BFF.  Your FI can help plan.

banana468

PPs are correct that the role of the MOH isn't 2nd planner.  Her role is more involved on the big day and possible in planning parties FOR the bride but not with her.


Think of it this way: If you all lived in the same neighborhood, who would you want up there with you as MOH?

ashleypastori

Your maid of honor probably should be the one who you are closest to and who has been your friend the longest.  You can have a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor if one is married and the other is not. 

MyNameIsNot

MOH is your closest friend. 

Expecting your MOH or BMs to help plan your wedding or do little jobs isn't going to turn out well.  If they choose to, great.  But if you don't expect them to, you won't be disappointed if they don't suddenly decide to plan your wedding.  Their only requirements are to get a dress and show up.

jenn.daniel

Your BFF.  None of the gals I'm asking to be in the wedding party live near me.  My MOH lives in Louisiana most of the year and sometimes in Guatemala.  I live in NC and the wedding is in VA. 

Your MOH is not there to help you plan, though she may WANT to help.  The purpose is to HONOR her as your closest friend.

jacquikev

I think you should choose the person who you have known for longer is you are just as close to both of them. The Oklahoma best friend has been around for so long, so you know she isnt going anywhere. It is a special honor to choose be a MOH and I am sure she will appreciate it. 

Jazzy_belle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e14a959-20db-4a93-a335-ddb2f68a38c1Post:ea802ed5-5b28-4457-9493-0b9b17a1c5ec">Re: Who to make Maid of Honor??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]MOH is your closest friend.  Expecting your MOH or BMs to help plan your wedding or do little jobs isn't going to turn out well.  If they choose to, great.  But if you don't expect them to, you won't be disappointed if they don't suddenly decide to plan your wedding.  Their only requirements are to get a dress and show up.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]