Very Pregnant Bridesmaid

adlerml24

I am getting married in June and just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant.  She is due about 3 weeks after my wedding.  I don't know what to do.  She has not bought a dress yet, but I need to make a decision in the next couple weeks about what to do.  She is a childhood friend and one of my closest friends.  I am devastated that I am even considering to ask her to NOT be in the wedding party anymore.  I just feel like there are so many what ifs when having a 9 month pregnant bridesmaid.  If I decide to ask her to bow out as a bridesmaid, I am going to ask if she would do a reading at the ceremony instead.  I know it is not the same, but I am nervous about leaving things as is.  She has not mentioned stepping down as bridesmaid, but she is also the type of person who will discretely make things about her which adds to my concern for my wedding day.  I need some advice.  What would you do?

mgietler76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:85fd0acc-de52-4525-be1b-73268327a1d3">Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in June and just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant.  She is due about 3 weeks after my wedding.  I don't know what to do.  She has not bought a dress yet, but I need to make a decision in the next couple weeks about what to do.  She is a childhood friend and one of my closest friends.  I am devastated that I am even considering to ask her to NOT be in the wedding party anymore.  I just feel like there are so many what ifs when having a 9 month pregnant bridesmaid.  If I decide to ask her to bow out as a bridesmaid, I am going to ask if she would do a reading at the ceremony instead.  I know it is not the same, but I am nervous about leaving things as is.  She has not mentioned stepping down as bridesmaid, but she is also the type of person who will discretely make things about her which adds to my concern for my wedding day.  I need some advice.  What would you do?
Posted by adlerml24[/QUOTE]

If you kick your friend out of your wedding because she is pregnant than you risk the friendship all together. I don't see what the problem is, if it comes closer to your wedding and SHE decides that it's too much for her to stand for you then SHE can step down. And do not replace her, friends are not pawns they're people. If you ask anyone else to take her place they will be hurt that they are second string. You can have uneven sides, I promise this is OK.

My MOH is pregnant and is scheduled for her C-section 2 weeks before my wedding, at this point we don't know if she will even be able to attend. If she can't make it I would never dream of asking anyone else to take her place. Treat your friends like friends and not props in your wedding.

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:85fd0acc-de52-4525-be1b-73268327a1d3">Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am devastated that I am even considering to ask her to NOT be in the wedding party anymore.
Posted by adlerml24[/QUOTE]
That's because you shouldn't be considering it. You think she makes things about her, but kicking her out of the BP would not be considering her feelings very much at all.

Furthermore, her being pregnant would probably hinder her being a reader almost as much as being a BM. There's not THAT much difference in the physical requirements of the two roles. You walk up to the front, and stand there for a while. Granted she'd stand a little longer as a BM, but if she wasn't feeling well, but she could always discreetly sit down.

mkrupar

You let the decision to drop out be hers and hers alone. Do not say to her "I understand if being a BM is too much for you right now, and I won't be upset if you step down." because all she'll hear is "You're pregnant, I don't want to risk you not being here, leaving me with uneven sides for my photos (newsflah: uneven sides are fine)."

You should be there for your friend right now, not worrying about your wedding. She can get a maternity dress. You don't know when she'll deliver. I've seen many pregnant BMs, some even 9 months, and they thoroughly enjoyed themselves at the wedding. She might get tired and want to leave early to rest, which is fine as well. You should offer to have a chair for her for the ceremony if she can't stand for long periods of time. I promise you, this is not the crisis you are making it out to be.

banana468

Ask her how she wants to handle it.  Say, "I'm so excited for you!  Let me know what I can do to make you more comfortable."

And mean it.  Just know that your wedding isn't a play.  You've asked her to be a BM and you can't go back without it being a HUGE friendship issue.

megandjay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:9e22efe2-0791-4ad2-8dd4-39a53d65fee3">Re: Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ask her how she wants to handle it.  Say, "I'm so excited for you!  Let me know what I can do to make you more comfortable." And mean it.</strong>  Just know that your wedding isn't a play.  You've asked her to be a BM and you can't go back without it being a HUGE friendship issue.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree. One of my BMs gave birth a few weeks before the wedding and another was very pregnant. I would never have thought to ask them to step down, even if they weren't able to come I would have kept their names in the programs as BMs.

aerinpegadrak

1) People don't like having decisions made for them.  Pretty much ever.  If she feels that she's not able to be a bridesmaid, she's more than capable of telling you so.

2) Pregnancy is not a disability.  My sister is an ER nurse and worked her regular shifts up until about a week of delivering.  SSIL was also very active right up until her water broke.  Yes, some women have complications or get put on bed rest or whatever, but until you're told that's actually the case, you shouldn't assume it will be.

saisongbird

Seriously?  You'd kick her out because she's having a baby?  That's beyond rude.  You're basically ending the friendship if you ask her to step down.  There ARE things you can do to make this work, however:

1) When you select a bridesmaids' dress, see if there's a similar one in a maternity style.

2) Offer to let her sit during the ceremony if needed.

3) Don't make the girls wear strappy heels.

And don't think of asking her to back out.  If she wants to, and IF SHE APPROACHES YOU, that's fine, and then, and ONLY then, you can offer the reading route.  But you need to be more considerate of your friend.  Big time.

lalap69

You're being ridiculous.  Find her a maternity dress, let her sit during the ceremony if needed, and be prepared that she might miss the wedding if she goes into labour early/has to go on bed rest/whatever.  And by be prepared I mean "understand that it's a possibility," not "have a replacement BM on standby."

bablingbrooke

This isn't remotely your issue.  If she feels she can't do it, she will tell you.  This is not a decision for you to make for her.

You're making something out of nothing.  Stop.

adlerml24

I just needed to hear that it would be ok.  Although few of you said this...  I don't care if she looks different in the pictures.  I don't care if my wedding party isn't equal on both sides.  That was never an issue.  I also know my friendship wouldn't end here.  It might be difficult for a while, but I promise it wouldn't end.  The best advice I received was not from all of the postings here, but was from my dad.  When I mentioned I didn't know if she should remain in the wedding, he said, "Why shouldn't she be?"  Simple answer from him, and I didn't have a good answer to give back.

That was good.  People need to learn how to give advice without being accusatory... otherwise it will never be valued.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:b87341e7-1e02-44f9-9ef8-191009977798">Re: Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I just needed to hear that it would be ok.  Although few of you said this...  I don't care if she looks different in the pictures.  I don't care if my wedding party isn't equal on both sides.  That was never an issue.  I also know my friendship wouldn't end here.  It might be difficult for a while, but I promise it wouldn't end.  The best advice I received was not from all of the postings here, but was from my dad.  When I mentioned I didn't know if she should remain in the wedding, he said, "Why shouldn't she be?"  Simple answer from him, and I didn't have a good answer to give back. That was good.  People need to learn how to give advice without being accusatory... otherwise it will never be valued.
Posted by adlerml24[/QUOTE]


OP, I don't think anyone was being accusatory.  They were being honest based on your post.

I will say that advice is only good if you want to listen to it.   You don't get to pick how people respond when you ask a question so you do need to be prepared for some blunt answers.

aerinpegadrak

We've heard from plenty of women here who've cut ties with a bride who mistreated them.  You might not think it would end the friendship, but I really doubt she would agree with you if you went that route.

saisongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:85fd0acc-de52-4525-be1b-73268327a1d3">Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in June and just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant.  She is due about 3 weeks after my wedding.  I don't know what to do.  She has not bought a dress yet, but I need to make a decision in the next couple weeks about what to do.  She is a childhood friend and one of my closest friends.  I am devastated that I am even considering to ask her to NOT be in the wedding party anymore.  I just feel like there are so many what ifs when having a 9 month pregnant bridesmaid.  <strong>If I decide to ask her to bow out as a bridesmaid, I am going to ask if she would do a reading at the ceremony instead.  I know it is not the same, but I am nervous about leaving things as is.  She has not mentioned stepping down as bridesmaid, but she is also the type of person who will discretely make things about her which adds to my concern for my wedding day</strong>.  I need some advice.  What would you do?<div>Posted by adlerml24[/QUOTE]</div><div><div>
</div><div>The bolded section is what has us reacting.  You were making something out of nothing over this, and this is what we were (and still are, based on your reactions) responding to.  You have to realize that we see so many of these posts everyday - your situation is not unique by any measure.  And we don't sugarcoat things here.  It's not a puppies and rainbows board.  We're here to tell you the things you don't want to hear - the things that most people in your life are not willing to say to you in fear of enraging the potential bridezilla (note that I'm not calling you one, just noting that the potential exists within each and every bride.).  We're internet strangers - we don't care if what we say hurts.  We DO care that we reach people who are considering doing rude things and helping them see the light.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: YOU are the one wondering if she will detract from you on your wedding day.  The ONLY way that could happen is if she goes into labor, and that could happen as a bridesmaid OR as a guest.  So unless you're not inviting her to the wedding at all, that potential will be there.  Don't forget - YOU are the one in the big white dress, not her.

</div></div>

lalap69

You really think that showing your friend how little you value her friendship - that you would publically slight her just because she got pregnant - wouldn't end your friendship?  In the very best case scenario, it would only harm your friendship irreparably.

Actions have consequences. 

I'm glad that you've seen the light, but I still think you're ridiculous.

bablingbrooke

OP, you're a grown woman who is about to get married.  If you can't 1) handle internet criticism gracefully, or 2) stomach the idea of a BM getting pregnant without worrying how it will affect your wedding, then I frankly question your maturity to get married at all.

You said that you were worried she'd detract attention.  That's a terrible POV to have about your friend, and it shows a startling mismatch of priorities about your wedding.  What responses were you expecting?  I mean honestly, did you really think anyone would agree with this plan?

mbcdefg

So you're afraid of not getting enough attention at your wedding?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f766f9e-9c83-47f1-aa6f-a2abd2d59c40Post:fac0e937-25ac-475d-a658-068c408730d6">Re: Very Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very Pregnant Bridesmaid : Nope, didn't you notice this little gem buried in her OP?
Posted by jamierobin[/QUOTE]
The point is that it's a ridiculous thing to be afraid of because 1) it's really impossible to NOT have all the attention on you, and 2) that's not an appropriate thing to be concerned about in general--the wedding is about getting married, not being the center of attention (and again, I refer you to #1).

aleznoff

My MOH is going to be 8 months prego at my wedding.  She is wearing a different dress than my bridesmaids, but it all coordinates well.  She is also wearing flat shoes.  She is a great friend, and there isn't anyone else that could take her place as MOH.  She has been very helpful in my planning process. 

LD1970

The funniest thing about this post is the part that makes it atypical from the usual "I don't want a pregnant bridesmaid" posts is that OP was considering making the pregnant BM a reader in the wedding.

If a bridesmaid doesn't or can't show up, it's no big deal.  The reorganize how everyone walks, and that's that.

But if a reader doesn't show up?  That's an actual part of the ceremony!  Sounds to me like that'd muck things up a heck of a lot more than an uneven wedding party.