Female Groomsman??

laurelt20

My husband and I are having a 2nd wedding this fall with all of our family & friends.  We were married last halloween by a Justice of the Peace with just our immediate family.  We are treating this wedding as our real wedding and not skipping any traditions.  Last night, my husband was talking with a friend about who should be in his side of the wedding party.  After a few minutes discussion, he asked her if she would be one of his groomsmen, without even talking to me about it in the first place!  She used to be one of my good friends, but we had a falling out and she apologized to my husband but never made mention of it to me.  We are slowly becoming friends again but I would never consider putting her as one of my bridesmaids.  Am I just crazy to be mad about all this?  I know what's done is done at this point so should I put her in a bridesmaid dress or a dress that sort of matches the guy's suits?

mbcdefg

Well, why exactly are you upset? Because he didn't ask you first since you guys had had a falling out? Or because he asked a woman to be on his side? Would you have felt the same way if she were a man?

If you're mad because you guys don't get along and he (knowing this) asked her anyway without running it by you first, then I think you're justified in your anger. What's done is done - it wouldn't be fair to kick her out now - but I would calmly talk to your FI about it.

If you're only mad because he asked a woman to stand for him, and you wouldn't have had a problem if she were a guy ... then get over it. Plenty of grooms have a woman stand for them, and your FI has a right to choose his own attendants. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to exclude a good friend just because she has a vagina.

As for what to dress her in ... if she is your FI's attendant, then he should make that call (same thing with the men's tuxes ... HE should be picking what they wear). She can wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, or the same dress but in black, or a black dress of her choice, or a nice black suit if she prefers pants (maybe with a blouse or scarf to match the BM dress color). She can carry a bouquet or wear a corsage. You can absolutely give your two cents on the matter, but the final decision should be your FI's. He can also talk to her and see what SHE wants to do if he gets stuck.

stina93446

I am sorry but I can't get past the fact that it's a vow renewal and you're calling it a wedding.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_female-groomsman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:24a5779c-1699-4aa0-bbbe-6d20e7696ac2Post:0646803e-6504-4d10-92ae-33803b1eba0b">Re: Female Groomsman??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, why exactly are you upset? Because he didn't ask you first since you guys had had a falling out? Or because he asked a woman to be on his side? Would you have felt the same way if she were a man? If you're mad because you guys don't get along and he (knowing this) asked her anyway without running it by you first, then I think you're justified in your anger. What's done is done - it wouldn't be fair to kick her out now - but I would calmly talk to your FI about it. If you're only mad because he asked a woman to stand for him, and you wouldn't have had a problem if she were a guy ... then get over it. Plenty of grooms have a woman stand for them, and your FI has a right to choose his own attendants. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to exclude a good friend just because she has a vagina. As for what to dress her in ... if she is your FI's attendant, then he should make that call (same thing with the men's tuxes ... HE should be picking what they wear). She can wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, <strong>or the same dress but in black, or a black dress of her choice, or a nice black suit if she prefers pants (maybe with a blouse or scarf to match the BM dress color).</strong> She can carry a bouquet or wear a corsage. You can absolutely give your two cents on the matter, but the final decision should be your FI's. He can also talk to her and see what SHE wants to do if he gets stuck.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

I like this.  I also have to say that my FI is having my best guy friend stand in as a  groomie.  I'm sorry that you too had a falling out but I hope that you can patch it up.

suz62984

Emilyinchile - no i didn't see it. I see your point and it is a good one. I really didn't think of it that way.

Ca2 - BigMassiveBallsofFlames averted

laurelt20

To those who addressed my original question, thank you.  to the rest of you, you do not know the reason behind our JOP wedding, so your negative attitude towards my personal life decisions is greatly unappreciated.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_female-groomsman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:24a5779c-1699-4aa0-bbbe-6d20e7696ac2Post:a757ad46-e99e-4700-a9d0-38f9fdaa44f8">Re: Female Groomsman??</a>:
[QUOTE]To those who addressed my original question, thank you.  to the rest of you, you do not know the reason behind our JOP wedding, so your negative attitude towards my personal life decisions is greatly unappreciated.
Posted by laurelt20[/QUOTE]
What about those of us who did both? What do we get? For the record, I was never anti-party, but I do think it's silly to call it a wedding. It is not your wedding. It's like me hosting a birthday party for DH and calling it a baby shower - they're two separate events.

Go check out the post on telling your BMs about their gifts at the RD, where Banana has reminded us that when you post on an open forum, people can give you whatever answers they want.

laurelt20

maybe i made a mistake by giving background details about my wedding (yes i will still call it a wedding; just because i am already legally married, does not mean that i do not deserve to wear the white dress and share this special event with my friends and family).  so thank you for ruining my experience with this website.  i hope you all have wonderful weddings, but more importantly long and happy years with your new husbands.

CA2MT4EveR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_female-groomsman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:24a5779c-1699-4aa0-bbbe-6d20e7696ac2Post:c5944a2f-21a9-4774-8aa5-974180e1e1d1">Re: Female Groomsman??</a>:
[QUOTE]maybe i made a mistake by giving background details about my wedding (yes i will still call it a wedding; just because i am already legally married, does not mean that i do not deserve to wear the white dress and share this special event with my friends and family).  so thank you for ruining my experience with this website.  i hope you all have wonderful weddings, but more importantly long and happy years with your new husbands.
Posted by laurelt20[/QUOTE]

I swear every girl who gets her feelings hurt has the same exact response!

OP, you can do what you want, but putting a wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf. You wearing a white dress to a party, is a party, not a wedding when you are already married.

emilyinchile

1. No one "deserves" to wear a white dress. It's just something a lot of people choose to do.

2. It's fine for you to want to wear a white dress and have the whole shebang. But do you really not understand that this is not a wedding? Even with my analogy? Do all the wedding stuff. Think of it as your wedding if you want. But if you invite people to a wedding, that's just silly because you are already married, and therefore by definition this is NOT your wedding.