Bridesmaid Blunder

eemott

One of my best friends since grade school calls me up two days after I asked her to be a bridesmaid and tells me that she feels it is her duty to tell me that she hates my FI.  She says that she thinks I'm making a mistake and she doesn't like him and doesn't want to pretend to be happy for me when she isn't.  She talked to me for over an hour, telling me all the things she didn't like about my FI and putting him down.   She even called my MOH and my mom to tell them the same things!  I was so excited and happy and I feel like she is trying to ruin this for me.  She always tells me she doesn't care and has no opinion about anything for the wedding.  She then says that she is glad she told me all of this and feels so much better now.  Well good for her, but I feel worse about her and our friendship. I'm tempted to ask her to step out of the bridal party.  She's always been a good friend, so I hate to do that, but I feel that I only want to be surrounded by people who are actually happy for me.  Any thoughts? 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-blunder-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2684aeed-e210-4ac7-93cd-06ed2f117d3cPost:aec4eef7-94f2-4c3a-9243-a0df6f8d1c8f">Bridesmaid Blunder</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my best friends since grade school calls me up two days after I asked her to be a bridesmaid and tells me that she feels it is her duty to tell me that she hates my FI.  She says that she thinks I'm making a mistake and she doesn't like him and doesn't want to pretend to be happy for me when she isn't.  She talked to me for over an hour, telling me all the things she didn't like about my FI and putting him down.   She even called my MOH and my mom to tell them the same things!  I was so excited and happy and I feel like she is trying to ruin this for me.  She always tells me she doesn't care and has no opinion about anything for the wedding.  She then says that she is glad she told me all of this and feels so much better now.  Well good for her, but I feel worse about her and our friendship. I'm tempted to ask her to step out of the bridal party.  She's always been a good friend, so I hate to do that, but I feel that I only want to be surrounded by people who are actually happy for me.  Any thoughts? 
Posted by eemott[/QUOTE]


What kind of things did she say? She might see some red flags that you don't.  yes, this may have been a friendship ending move on her part, but if there's any validity to what she said, you would be wise to at least listen.

rebarobert2012

I can't believe that she told you all that.  How tacky.  I would be really offended, too.  She should not have called your MOH or your mom either.  I hope that they put her in her place.  It sounds to me like you were pretty gracious to her.  I would have been tempted to tell her off.

My question is: why did she even agree to be in your wedding party if she dislikes your fiance so much?

LoveMuffins

Hm. Both PPs bring up some good points.

Sometimes, the people in our lives see things that we don't about our relationships. Sometimes they're wrong, of course, because they can't know everything that goes on in a relationship. Does anyone else have reservations about your engagement to FI? Have you and FI had a lot of problems in the past that she knows about that may have caused this judgement? Is this a friend that you constantly confide all the bad things about FI in, and rarely tell her the good things that he does?

One of my best friends got married when she was 18 to a guy that I liked a lot as a friend but that I thought was all wrong for her. As one of her best friends, and even a member of the WP, I did think it was my duty to express my concerns that there was no need to rush into things. I expressed them once and that was it... they still got married, it didn't effect the friendship because she understood that I was just being honest and concerned about her, because I had a lot of information about all the issues they'd had before they got engaged. But I also respected that it was NOT my decision to make and I stood up there becuase no matter what I always supported her and wanted her happiness even if I thought she was being an idiot.

Your friend sounds like she stepped out of line and over the boundaries of friendship. It's one thing to express concerns, it's another to just run wild all over your FI and then call your mom AND your MOH... unless, perhaps she already knew they agreed with her and was looking for someone to hold an intervention with her? It makes me very curious as to what are the things she doesn't like. Drugs? Does he beat you? Try to keep you away from friends? Steal things? Mooch money off of you? Like, what's so awful that she's saying this now?

If she can't be happy for you and wont' even bother pretending to be, then I dont' think she's a very good friend and you may have to consider ending the friendship (in which case, obv she wouldn't be part of the BP). It's your life and she has to accept that and set her own feelings aside to allow you to live it. Maybe she's just super controlling? Maybe she's jealous? Maybe she's right?

I dont' think you really shared enough information for me to have "thoughts," mostly just questions.

mbcdefg

Take a breath and take a few days to process this, first of all. Don't do anything right now.

I was so excited and happy and I feel like she is trying to ruin this for me. 

I think you're potentially looking at this the wrong way here. If she's always been a good friend, then it seems like she's just looking out for you. Good friends don't just make shiit up about their friend's fiance for absolutely no reason, and good friends don't call the bride's mother and MOH just for the sake of lying. If her concerns are legitimate, or at least come from a good place, then you need to realize that it probably took a lot of guts for her to tell you about this. 

If you've never before had a reason to distrust her, then I would take some time to yourself and ask yourself, honestly, if she's got a point. I might also reach out to another trusted friend or family member and ask if (s)he has similar concerns about your FI. If her concerns are about something like your FI having a temper, her thinking that he's too controlling, he gambles or drinks too much, he treats your friends like shiit, etc., then maybe this girl is seeing something that you're not. If you have even the slightest inkling that she might be right, then I would personally put the wedding plans on hold for now while you sort this out - maybe see a counselor if need be, even by yourself.

But if she's always been a drama queen, wants to start trouble, dislikes your FI for something really silly (he accidentally burped in her ear once or something along those lines, but otherwise he's been very nice to her), then this is par for the course for her and you have to decide if you can get past this. If you're still willing to be her friend, then simply say, "Thanks for your concern, Friend, but things are great between me and FI and we're getting married." And if her concern is because of something that you told her right after a fight with FI, or something that got blown out of proportion ("Ugh, FI and I got into a huge fight 20 minutes ago when he refused to take out the garbage"), then take it as a lesson learned not to air your dirty laundry to anyone anymore.

If you want her out of the bridal party, then you need to end the friendship with her. Period. There's no way to say, "You're no longer good enough to be my bridesmaid but you can still be my friend and come to my wedding." It's either awful enough that you need to stop being friends, or it's something that can be worked through and she can remain a BM and friend. If you don't want to be involved with her anymore then say to her, "Friend, your words really hurt me and your concerns are completely unfounded. I don't think I can get past what you said and I don't want you in my wedding or in my life if you can't support my marriage. I think it's best that we go our separate ways starting today. Don't expect an invitation to my wedding."

MyNameIsNot

If she's always been a good friend, give her the benefit of the doubt and don't assume she is doing this for malicious reasons.  If she is legitimately concerned that you are making a mistake, stepping up and saying something would have been really hard.  Her comment that she's glad she told you leads me to believe this is what's going on.  

Take some time to be upset and to digest it.  Then once you've had time to calm down, sit down by yourself and think about each and every flaw or issue that she brought up.  Now, really evaluate whether that is a flaw or issue, or something she is blowing out of proportion.  It's very possible that she is seeing soemthing you can't or don't want to see.  If you feel like you can't look at it objectively, it might help to sit down with a neutral third party to talk.

If it comes out that you think the friend has it all wrong, call her and ask her out for coffee or lunch.  In person, thank her for her candor, and let her know that you recognize that this must have been hard for her to come forward with, but that you don't want it to hurt your friendship.  Tell her that you've honestly listened to and considered  each of her concerns, and while you see where she's coming from, you feel like she has it all wrong and that you aren't making a mistake.  Then let her know that you're confident in your decision and hope that the two of you can move on.  

Leave your wedding out of this.  If she can put her concerns behind her, leave her as a bridesmaid.  If she cannot, she'll drop out.  But if you kick her out, you end the friendship.  

eemott

Thanks for all the input.  She told my mom and MOH that she thought I was lying about the engagement and that I wouldn't really marry him.  She even told her that the picture of my ring I texted her was plain and ugly!  She's been so mean lately, what seems like out of nowhere.  She kept saying that we are very different, which is true, and I never saw that as a bad thing.  I'm a very serious person (I'm a funeral director) and he's a big goofball.  He's loud and obnoxious, where her and I are more reserved.  But I always saw that as a plus, that he balances me out.  She sees it as annoying.  What he thinks are fun, she hates.  She's been out with us and his friends a few times and doesn't like their sense of humor.  (Think Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera from Jackass--true they aren't everyones cup of tea, but there's a very lovable side to him).  No one else has said anything, it's all her.  People have even told her she's out of line, including my mom.  

mbcdefg

You say he's loud and obnoxious ... realize that this can be REALLY annoying for a lot of people. There are friends from my past that I've tried to see less often less, or stopped seeing completely, because I just couldn't take one more second of the people they kept company with. These friends-of-friends were never really bad people or did bad things - they were just ANNOYING.

You can easily tell off a person who's just genuinely bad and then move on with your life. It's much, MUCH harder to tell off someone who hasn't done anything wrong aside from just being annoying. The people who annoy me the most are the ones that I can't say anything to because I want to keep their friendship for whatever reason.

She's been so mean lately, what seems like out of nowhere.
 
Maybe your bridesmaid just had enough of this and felt like she should say something. Maybe she's disappointed that you're choosing to spend your life with someone she views as immature (especially if him being "loud and obnoxious" carries over into his work and his ability to earn a living). But if he's a good person and is treating you right and has his affairs in order, I think she definitely should've kept her mouth shut and just tried her best to put up with him. And calling your ring ugly was just plain rude and mean of her.

However, if she feels that this is going to affect her friendship with you, maybe she felt that she owed it to you to tell the truth, rather than just cutting you out of her life after the wedding. Maybe your friend feels like she's had enough, and she'd rather try to get you to call it off with him, instead of having to choose between being around an annoying person for life or losing you as a friend because she doesn't want to be around your FI. Maybe this is her last-ditch effort before she calls it quits with you.

You're entitled to marry who you want, and it sounds like your FI isn't a bad person at all. But I think you need to remember that a "loud and obnoxious" personality, or people who enjoy things on the immature side and stuff like that, doesn't mesh well with everyone. It's awesome that you click with your FI, but not everyone will. And remember that people don't automatically change once you get married, so this is the way he's going to be forever ... if you think that his personality might cause similar issues in the future, then that's something you'll just have to live with since it's not fair to expect him to change his whole personality.

If you want to remain friends with her, then I'd cool off some more, then invite her out for coffee. Thank her for her concerns, but reiterate that (1) your FI is a good person, and (2) you recognize that his personality isn't enjoyable for everyone. Ask her to try and see his good points rather than focusing on his more immature side. And if the only time you spend with her is also in the company of your FI, tell her that you'll make more of an effort to spend solo time with her.

If you can't move past her comments and want to break it off, then see my post above.

eemott

Thanks for your post. His personality is actual perfect for his job.  He's in fitness sales and he's the top ranking for his company.  He makes great money and always clicks well with clients.  She is the one whos boyfriend is unemployed and plays video games all day.  I have never said anything to her about her boyfriend, and how I think he mooches off of her, because I think that she is an adult and if she were unhappy, she would leave.  I guess I just expected the same regard.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-blunder-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2684aeed-e210-4ac7-93cd-06ed2f117d3cPost:50f762d6-a1dc-4abc-be26-6cfcbd13dcde">Re: Bridesmaid Blunder</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your post. His personality is actual perfect for his job.  He's in fitness sales and he's the top ranking for his company.  He makes great money and always clicks well with clients.  She is the one whos boyfriend is unemployed and plays video games all day.  I have never said anything to her about her boyfriend, and how I think he mooches off of her, because I think that she is an adult and if she were unhappy, she would leave.  I guess I just expected the same regard.
Posted by eemott[/QUOTE]

Then maybe she's just frustrated that one "immature" guy is doing well for himself, but another "immature" guy is doing nothing with his life. Or maybe she's fine with a quiet lazy mooch, but a loud (yet successful) guy really pushes her buttons.

One friend-of-a-friend that comes to mind for me is a guy who is married and has a good career and "has it all together," but his personality just irritates the shiit out of me. Likewise, I have lazy unemployed friends who mooch off their parents/significant others and think they can live like 19 year-olds forever, but I'm fine hanging out with them because I like their personalities.

At any rate, you can't hold people to your own standards. Just because you haven't been verbally judgemental about her relationship doesn't mean that she is barred from saying anything about yours. I agree with you that a good friend probably would've kept her mouth shut, but the fact is that she didn't. So you need to decide if you can move on, or if you're done with her.

mbody

I definitely think the PPs have good advice for you. Your friend may be coming from a concerned place and not trying to malicious. She may see red flags that maybe you should evaluate.

If your friend just plain doesn't like him or is trying to cause issues for you, then I don't necessarily feel that you need to keep her in your WP. Now, I normally would never condone asking a BM to step down, but I also feel that BM are there to support you and your relationship and I'd have a hard time knowing how a BM truly feels. I'm definitely surprised she accepted your invitation.

CowgirlK39

I would write this off as a personality clash. If what she said has nothing to do with the way YOU see him, then she just doesn't like him, herself. People don't get along with everyone, and she needs to accept that. My FI has a friend who I can tolerate for about an hour and then I want to slap him because he is THAT immature. But I don't tell my FI not to hang out with him. They are good friends and have done a lot for each other, and I respect that. Your friend needs to see your FI the same way. If you love him, and there is no trouble like PPs stated (constant fights/abuse) then thats that. I would leave it up to her if she wants to continue to be in the WP. If she keeps saying these things to you/others, then say "if he makes you that uncomfortable, I will understand if you don't want to be a BM anymore."

Mrs.B6302007

malphabet is wise in all of her replies above.

OP- I hope it is just a personality clash between your firend and your FI and that it's not a character issue she has with him. 

entropicbeauty

Three of my Bridesmaids have at different times told me that they do not like my FI (one even went so far as to say "loathe"), but this was quite some time ago and all for different reasons. My FI can be really hard to understand and really grate against some nerves, so I've always had the standpoint of "you don't have to love my FI, I do." I don't let anyones dislike of him affect my friendship though (unless someone were to really get out of line or make it personal).

I DID almost stop being friends with a college friend who invited me to her wedding and DIDN'T give me a plus one for FI. I didn't get offended till I found out everyone else (including single guests) had gotten a Plus one, she had just NOT given me it because she "hates" my FI and "thinks I can do better" (judgmental and biitchy and none of her business really).

Most of my friends who initially did not like FI have warmed to him a lot the more we all hang out. I acknowledge he can be a bit abrasive and he's not for everyone, but I'm prepared for a future of not everyone getting along with him and I'm okay with it. We've managed to make a life together so far and we really have a good time so what other people think REALLY doesn't matter to me.

On the flip side, whenever my friends voice concern, I do them the favor of actually listening to what they have to say and I do take what they say into consideration - after all, these are my friends, people who care about me. Most of the time they have a problem it's been a misunderstanding anyways. So take what your friend has to say into consideration, try to sift through any of the harsh edges for the point she's trying to make - sometimes things really do need to be addressed.

coopsbaby

One of my very best friends doesn't care for my fi either. She says she thinks I can do better. When I asked her why, she said, well he's old and he's short. OMG really? I hadn't noticed! Like that should matter.

She has really poor judgement in men and tends to pick really hot ones with no jobs who mooch off of her while they cheat on her. I found one who treats me better than I could imagine and I couldn't care less that he's short or 7 years older then me.

BUT she's still going to be invited to our very small, friends and besties only destination wedding. She's still a good friend otherwise, and she doesn't have to love him, I do!