Maid Problem

wsweida

So here is my delima, I have a bridesmaid who I invited to be a maid over a year ago since then she has only attended 1 pre wedding event, canceling all the others the day of.  I understand that she lives about 2 hours away so I know it is a distance but she canceled attending my bridal shower that day and now can't come to my bachlorette party (which the date was picked to help her schedule) and has to leave the reception early.  I was willing to forget all of that and work around it so I made plans with just her , which she cancelled again.  I know she is busy but my wedding is just under 2 months away and I don't know if I can rely on her to attend.  It is causing stress on my relationship with my HTB and all the other maids.  She has already purchased the dress and shoes.  I have tried talking to her about it and now she wont even answer my calls.  What do I do?

bablingbrooke

Pre-wedding parties are not remotely on the same plane as the wedding itself.  She lives far away.  It's not worth driving 2 hours to a shower.  My BMs lived between 2 and 6 hours away.  They did not attend my shower.  I survived.  They were all at the wedding.

Pre-wedding parties are skip-able if you live out of town.  That's forgivable.  You should not hold a grudge.  Of course they will be at the wedding.  Don't be melodramatic.

She's not returning your calls because you are harping on her not attending a party.  That's rude on your part.  No one wants to pick up the phone if they think they will be berated or micromanaged.  Leave her a voicemail telling her you're sorry you freaked out, you're not upset, you hope she can forgive this momentary lapse and that you can't wait to see her at the wedding. I'll bet you she calls back.

ETA: If her missing one event is causing you to freak out on your other BMs and FI (which is the only way it would cause stress in those relationships) you need to take a step back and remember what a wedding is really about.

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:5234036a-43c0-47c0-9262-842c865314ff">Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is my delima, I have a bridesmaid who I invited to be a maid over a year ago since then she has only attended 1 pre wedding event, canceling all the others the day of.  I understand that she lives about 2 hours away so I know it is a distance but she canceled attending my bridal shower that day and now can't come to my bachlorette party (which the date was picked to help her schedule) and has to leave the reception early.  I was willing to forget all of that and work around it so I made plans with just her , which she cancelled again.  I know she is busy but my wedding is just under 2 months away and I don't know if I can rely on her to attend.<strong>  It is causing stress on my relationship with my HTB and all the other maids. </strong> She has already purchased the dress and shoes.  I have tried talking to her about it and now she wont even answer my calls.  What do I do?
Posted by wsweida[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your wedding is still a long time off.  To you it may only seem like two months, but to everyone else, two months is a long time.  I've even been through my wedding and I can tell the only "crunch" time is about 2 days before the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Can you please expand on the part that I put in bold?  It makes absolutely no sense.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, she has done nothing wrong and your are overreacting.

</div>

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:5234036a-43c0-47c0-9262-842c865314ff">Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is my delima, I have a bridesmaid who I invited to be a maid over a year ago since then she has only attended 1 pre wedding event, canceling all the others the day of.  I understand that she lives about 2 hours away so I know it is a distance but she canceled attending my bridal shower that day and now can't come to my bachlorette party (which the date was picked to help her schedule) and has to leave the reception early.  I was willing to forget all of that and work around it so I made plans with just her , which she cancelled again.  I know she is busy but my wedding is just under 2 months away and I don't know if I can rely on her to attend.  It is causing stress on my relationship with my HTB and all the other maids.  She has already purchased the dress and shoes.  I have tried talking to her about it and now she wont even answer my calls.  What do I do?
Posted by wsweida[/QUOTE]

First of all, I'm happy to hear you're not going to hold it against her that she didn't attend more than 1 pre wedding event (none of which are mandatory for attendants) - especially since she lives a good distance away from you. 

I'd approach this as a friend - not The Bride. Does she have something stressful going on in her life right now above and beyond her normal busy-ness? If she cancelled on you with the plans you made just the two of you - nothing wedding related - then maybe there's something more to the story. Call her. If she doesn't answer, leave one voice mail letting her know you're thinking of her and hoping everything's okay and that you'd love to get together<em> in her area</em> so she doesn't have to drive 2 hours to meet you and do something. Declare it a wedding-free zone. And see what her response is.

She got the dress & shoes. I'm willing to bet she will absolutely be there on your wedding day so have faith in her and stop bringing it up / asking. Nobody likes to feel micromanaged so maybe ask yourself if there's a reason she may be avoiding you.

wsweida

She is the bridesmaid who lives the closest.  all my others live up to six hours away.  it is not that she cant come that bothers me it is that she does not tell me until the day of the event.  everyone sees me getting upset and does not want her involved at all.  I just dont want to be stuck the day of the wedding one maid short.  She has also cancelled non wedding things.  I dont know if I can rely on her to be there.

bablingbrooke

I say again: Pre-wedding events are skip-able.  People skip them all the time and still come to the wedding. You are being melodramatic and are risking the friendship by hounding her with calls asking her if she's going to show up.

Weddings are in a class by themselves.  DH's relatives flew halfway around the world for our wedding.  They would not have done so for anything less.  Repeat after me: the wedding is in a class by itself.  Trust your friend.  Acting like she can't be trusted will only make things worse.

Pour a glass of wine.  Take a bath.  Watch a dumb movie.  Calm down.  You will feel very silly that you were ever upset about this.

blackfire5th

A wedding is a HUGE deal.  It is a MAJOR event in someone's life.  It is nowhere on the same scale as showers, b-parties, favor assembling parties, birthdays, or get-together.

She will be at the wedding. 

And even if she doesn't show up, all you can say is oh well and enjoy the wedding with the rest of those around you.  You don't need even sides.  One of your WP might need emergency surgery the night before the wedding and then you are out one anyways.  You cannot control these things so you should not stress over them.   One bridesmaids attendance will not make or break your wedding unless you let it.

Also, did she say why she had to cancel?  Did end up working?  Have a project that she wasn't able to complete on time?

It really isn't the other bm's business who is in your wedding party or not.  If they were mature they would be staying out of it.

PeonyPrincesskdd

If she has her dress and shoes it is pretty safe to say that she is still onboard with being in the wedding.  I am sure she wouldn't want to miss that, since it is a big day.  All other pre-wedding gatherings are not as important eso if you live 2 hours away. 

Hjmarie

It sucks she hasn't been there for all the pre-wedding stuff, but like other posters said, she'll be there for the wedding. 
And if she doesn't show up for the wedding, don't let it ruin your day as you have before.  Short of her in a life or death situation, she will not be worth your time or energy on the wedding day!

My FI BM may or may not be at the wedding - this is STBD and our wedding is 3 days away.  Although he is in the AF so its not up to him if he can make it back or not our day will still go on with out him.  We'll be sad he can't make it, but there's nothing we can do about it.  Just like if our BM doesn't show up on your wedding day there's nothing you can do about it either.

Good luck, and stop stressing.  Everything will be ok in the end!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:3358c9c8-4683-454b-bc84-55585665fd46">Re: Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]She is the bridesmaid who lives the closest.  all my others live up to six hours away.  it is not that she cant come that bothers me it is that she does not tell me until the day of the event.  everyone sees me getting upset and does not want her involved at all.  I just dont want to be stuck the day of the wedding one maid short.  She has also cancelled non wedding things.  I dont know if I can rely on her to be there.
Posted by wsweida[/QUOTE]

<div>Obviously you need to chillax. The more bent out of shape you get for her not being able to make events the more stress you put on to yourself and others. So stop the calls, and let this go. Maybe she will reach out to you and say "hey, sorry I've been busy, I'll be coming into town at X time". If she doesn't call by the week of the wedding call her just to see what time she's getting in at and once she says when, then count on her being there. If she decides not to come then I'm sure she will let it known then. Just remember your wedding will take place with or without her, don't let her canceling last minute drive you crazy, its not worth it.</div>

aerinpegadrak

I skipped a family shower recently.  DH gave my excuses that I got called into work, but really, I just didn't want to go.  It was going to be a church thing, I wasn't going to know anyone there, I barely knew the bride, and it came down to the fact that a day spent doing dishes and laundry was far, far more appealing.  We still attended the wedding.

What's the very worst thing that can happen if she doesn't show up the day of the wedding? 

justinsfiancee

I would be annoyed too because it happened to me also!
One BM has a hx of ditching things and her husband now wouldn't even let her go to her own bachelorette party.  We planned it around her, she then mysteriously had to work that night, and "got it off" last minute.  She did end up coming, husband had issues but that's a different story.  She then ditched my shower and told me the week before, because apparently she forgot it was that day and had other plans.
One BM who i never thought would ditch, left half way through my party to go switch cars back with her BIL, because she had a flat tire on the way up...supposedly.  Then later there were pictures of her on facebook at bar with college friends.  She also ditched my shower and told me the day of.

Another BM who ditches things all the time in general apparently kept telling me to my face she was coming and then was telling another BM she was never planning on it.

I get why you are upset.  It's the whole they talk to you and tell you oh they are so excited to see you and can't wait for your shower/party and get you excited to see them and then just ditch like its nothing.  It'd be better if they told you they couldnt come and not get your hopes up and ditch.

She will come though since she already has the dress and shoes, otherwise haha to her for buying a dress and shoes she'll never wear.  I hope they were expensive.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:27bc04a4-6077-455c-b80a-ca5fd0ca2f37">Re: Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]She will come though since she already has the dress and shoes, otherwise haha to her for buying a dress and shoes she'll never wear.  I hope they were expensive.
Posted by justinsfiancee[/QUOTE]

That's <em>real</em> nice.

OP, let's just say she doesn't come to the wedding....

Okay...so what? Yes, it would probably be a disappointment. Yes, it's rude. Yes, it's kind of rude of her to ditch things at the last second, but since you don't really know the reasons behind them, you can't get too upset yet.

But back to the wedding...so what? So you have one less bridesmaid. Do you think anyone's going to care? If someone asks, you can just say "I guess she couldn't make it." The only that's going to reflect badly on is her.

Her not showing up to the wedding for no reason would be classless on her part, but it really shouldn't upset you. Your FI is there. That's the most important aspect. Your FI and you celebrating the decision you've made together with whoever has the interest to attend. Keep that in mind before you go crazy about whether your bridesmaids all show up. It really is all on them if they decide to do something like that.

As far as the other parties...some people make them a priority. Some don't. A party is always optional, so don't let the fact that it's a "wedding related event" make you think it's anying other than that.

Manwaithiel

I apologize for my skipping of many letters in last post.

justinsfiancee

its the fact that she cancels on everything, not just wedding related things and if she was going to cancel things,  you would hope it wouldnt be the wedding related things.  I think that is why she is upset with her

Manwaithiel

Wishing that her shoes and dress were expensive so she can get back at her friend is not a very classy approach.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:950fecdc-de87-46df-a144-85d6319e023c">Re: Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]its the fact that she cancels on everything, not just wedding related things and if she was going to cancel things,  you would hope it wouldnt be the wedding related things.  I think that is why she is upset with her
Posted by justinsfiancee[/QUOTE]

Just because it is "Wedding Related" does not mean it is any more important than any other event in life.  It is not the wedding itself.  The wedding itself is the only part that really matters. 

That is the day the bride is committing herself to her husband to start a marriage and life together.  Once the wedding is over and done with I hope the bride is not thinking, "That really bummed me that BM wasn't at my shower". 

Nobody will ever remember if the person didn't attend the shower.  There are a lot of family members that might decline because they are too busy.  Why does a bridesmaid do the same thing, and they are to feel guilty about it?  Is it okay to harass Aunt Sue and tell her how mad you are that you didn't make the shower.

All in all, a shower is not important to anyone but the bride.  If all the other invited guests/bridal party members are free that day and want to attend, then okay.  But if they are too busy and something else is going on, then bride should be more understanding. 

The wedding day is the only day that matters.

justinsfiancee

It is not wrong to be more upset at a friend if they miss your shower vs. them missing hanging out and going bowling.
It's not that they couldn't come that makes it ok to be mad, its the them initiating a conversation with you saying they are excited to come and then ditch the day of.  And they would be a little more important than your aunt sue because you picked these people to be part of the wedding party and when they dont seem to care, it sucks.  I am not saying they are required to attend, its them saying they are and then ditching that is the part you can be angry at.

bablingbrooke

You can be bummed (not angry) for a day.  You can't then wail that you now can't depend on her to come to the wedding.  That's what we call melodrama.

Neither you nor I know why this BM couldn't attend.  Maybe she had a work emergency. Maybe she had a flat tire.  Maybe a family problem.  Until you know for sure that this girl said, "Fluck it, I don't want to go!" and didn't call to say so in advance, you can't assume that happened.  And if the girl was always a bit flaky, this should not have been any sort of surprise to OP.

FWIW, one of my non-WP friends had to cancel an hour before the shower because she had to take her child to the hospital.  I wasn't mad then and I'm not mad now.

justinsfiancee

you people are highly over sensitive....
nobody said if she was in the ER she had the right to be pissed....chill

bablingbrooke

How is it over-sensitive to argue for giving the BM the benefit of the doubt, rather than immediately assuming the worst?

Manwaithiel

Who's being overly sensitive? We're saying that it's ridiculous to think "She didn't attend my bachleorette party therefore she won't attend my wedding." And there are usually reasons for missing and if there is no reason, if they really did just say "I don't feel like going," then that's totally on them. The bride needn't sit there and worry about things that don't need to be worried on yet.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:a31de896-acb1-43c2-98a2-d448e36850e6">Re: Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid Problem : Just because it is "Wedding Related" does not mean it is any more important than any other event in life.  It is not the wedding itself.  The wedding itself is the only part that really matters.  That is the day the bride is committing herself to her husband to start a marriage and life together.  Once the wedding is over and done with I hope the bride is not thinking, "That really bummed me that BM wasn't at my shower".  Nobody will ever remember if the person didn't attend the shower.  There are a lot of family members that might decline because they are too busy.  Why does a bridesmaid do the same thing, and they are to feel guilty about it?  Is it okay to harass Aunt Sue and tell her how mad you are that you didn't make the shower. All in all, a shower is not important to anyone but the bride.  If all the other invited guests/bridal party members are free that day and want to attend, then okay.  But if they are too busy and something else is going on, then bride should be more understanding.  The wedding day is the only day that matters.
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

Amen

tidetravel

#1 - if she's a friend that cancels plans last minute in everyday life, you cannot expect that she will change who she is just because you're getting married.  Does it suck that she cancels last minute?  Yeah, of course.  Is it something to get overly upset about?  No.

#2 - if she doesn't make the wedding, what's the worst that will happen?  Your sides will be uneven.  At the end of the day, you'll still be married, and will have had a wonderful day.

I saw a program many, many years ago about a girl (early teens) who had been horribly disfigured in an accident.  I don't remember if it was a house fire or an attack, or what it was, because I was so moved by her humbleness.  The host of the talk show asked her how she got through each day, without succumbing to depression.  She replied, "I allow myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself, everyday.  I have a good cry, and I get over it, because it's not worth wasting the second chance at life that I was given, wallowing in misery."  Every time I think I want to feel sorry for myself, I remember this young girl's courage.  I take 5 minutes for myself, and then I move on.  You should too. 

wsweida

Thank you for all of your advice

abelch2

wsweida, I get where you are coming from...I have a bridesmaid who did kind of the samething for my shower.  We were all sitting there opening gifts, she left, without saying anything, I called her to see if she was ok.  She said her Dad was in the hospital, I was worried.  I couldnt get ahold of her later to see how everything was, so I called her mom to see how her Dad was, her Dad wasn't in the hospital.  So she lied.  Then I just had my bach. party, she was there for about 45 minutes then left. 
My wedding is in 45 days, I am scared she is either not going to show up or she is going to bring unwanted drama to the wedding. 
So, I get where you are coming from, its not a matter of the sides not being even, its a matter of you asked this person to be in your wedding to support you, you would love nothing more for her to be there for you, because you wouldnt miss her wedding for anything.  You just don't want any hurtful feeling inside you on your weddingday, when its a day that is supposed to be filled with nothing but happiness. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:273a6eb4-2169-4e48-a477-3c6e16417a6bPost:57d2f554-6faa-4d2e-a66a-f60e79255c10">Re: Maid Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]wsweida, I get where you are coming from...I have a bridesmaid who did kind of the samething for my shower.  We were all sitting there opening gifts, she left, without saying anything, I called her to see if she was ok.  She said her Dad was in the hospital, I was worried.  I couldnt get ahold of her later to see how everything was, so I called her mom to see how her Dad was, her Dad wasn't in the hospital.  So she lied.  Then I just had my bach. party, she was there for about 45 minutes then left.  My wedding is in 45 days, I am scared she is either not going to show up or she is going to bring unwanted drama to the wedding.  So, I get where you are coming from, its not a matter of the sides not being even, its a matter of you asked this person to be in your wedding to support you, you would love nothing more for her to be there for you, because you wouldnt miss her wedding for anything.  You just don't want any hurtful feeling inside you on your weddingday, when its a day that is supposed to be filled with nothing but happiness. 
Posted by abelch2[/QUOTE]

On a bride's wedding day, nothing can cause her to feel hurt inside.  She will be too occupied with the day and her husand and everything, nothing else will even matter.  Let's say her BM doesn't even show up for the wedding day.. Bride might be a little upset in the morning but then she will get over it and realize she can't let anything upset her on her most important day in her life so far

aerinpegadrak

DH's mother and brother didn't attend our wedding for one reason or another.  Didn't ruin the day for him.  It's all about having the right priorities.