Can I tell a bridesmaid that I don't want her in the wedding under these circumstances

Traceyd14

First of all I set my wedding party way too early - should have read these message boards first!  I was excited and thought I knew exactly what I wanted and it matched my FH's plans for his side, but things have changed...and we still have a year to go.
My fiance chose his 4 best friends that just had to be in the wedding...I chose my three cousins and then final choice for a bridesmaid was my BFF in my late teens/early 20's.  We remain close even though she has lived 1/2 way across the country for the last 10 years.  We text and email and talk during all of our major life events.  From the beginning I had reservations about such a big weddng party because we are on a tight budget and that adds to flowers, gifts for them, and number of people at the rehearsal dinner.  Long story short, 1 of the guys got kicked out of the best man's house and there are bad feelings there - and no one is really talking to the guy that kicked out anymore (for about 2 months now) and since there is money involved, I have a feeling this isn't a short term problem.  So now my fiance is down to 3 guys.  We considered throwing in my brother or another friend that he's not as close to, but my thought is, maybe I should just downsize the wedding party by one on each side.  See my BFF that will be coming in from a distance, plans on being in my wedding then leaving to make it to another friends wedding on the same day.  My thought is that maybe it would be better if she was just a guest at both rather than being in my wedding then ditching some or all of the reception to make it to the   other wedding of a childhood close friend of hers.  I suggested that to her when the conflict came up that maybe she just be a guest and she said no, she would make it work.  I really don't know what to do.  Am I wrong to want to downsize the party since the other guy is gone?  Am I wrong for not wanting my bridesmaid to leave early?  What do you think I should do?

trix1223

If you kick her out, you're wrong, not her.  You're telling her that a random number and symmetry are more important than your friendship.

For the recessional, one lucky GM escorts two lovely ladies.  That problem is solved.

As for the WP dance, please, please, please skip it.  Your WP will get on their knees and call you blessed for not making them dance with a random stranger in front of everyone.

Your guests will get on their knees and call you blessed for not making them stand around to watch people they don't know or care about shuffle awkwardly around a dance floor.  OK, now that problem is solved.

Wow.  That was easy.

Traceyd14

I guess to me there was more to it than I actually put into words.  My plan was not to ask her originally but I wanted even guys and girls so when he had 4, I asked her. I like symmetry, sorry ladies.  But that being said,it is not more important than a friendship.  I am probably more upset about her bolting from my wedding so she can make it to the other...after she already tried to persuade me to change the date and then later the time so it was more convenient for her travel plans and her schedule.  Then every bridesmaid dress I have suggested has been shot down and she told me the colors that she would prefer to wear.  I guess all those things to me justified cutting her out, but after reading these comments, I see where I was wrong and just have to suck it up and live with my decision....maybe.  I'm not heartless, really! 

As for the BP dance,  maybe I said that wrong too.   My fiance and I are both pretty bad dancers, so our idea was to have the bridal party come in during our first dance about 1/2 way through to save us from having everyone staring at our bad moves...which no dance lessons could even help.

aerinpegadrak

If you really want your WP up there dancing with you, invite them to dance with their own dates rather than with each other.  Or just have the DJ announce halfway through that the dance floor is open and let everyone, WP or otherwise, join you.

mbcdefg

I don't think it's at all a bad thing to have people join you for the first dance, but I don't think that having the bridal party members dance with each other (unless they are all couples, or at least good friends) is the best way to go about it. The only time I saw this was at my cousin's wedding, and the 13 year-old Maid of Honor danced with the 40-something Best Man. Eeeewww. They just looked so uncomfortable, and frankly it was dull to sit there and watch them, plus it just took more time away from the party since it was a "scheduled event." 

We talked to the DJ before the wedding and said that we didn't want to do the whole dance alone, so he suggested that we dance solo for a minute and then he'd invite all our guests to dance with us. Most people had a date, and some singles danced with others (like my single FIL danced with his single sister). It was really nice and it took the spotlight off me and DH. And I'm telling you, as two people who HATE attention and having all eyes on us, we didn't even notice anyone looking at us or photographing us ... we were just focused on each other, and it was so nice and nowhere near as nerve-wracking as we thought it'd be.

If every bridal party member has a date, you can also invite them and their dates up to dance with you guys. Then either let all the guests join you to finish the song, or just keep it to you and the wedding party. Or you and your parents/grandparents. We would've considered this, but we had one bridesmaid come solo and we didn't want her left out ... and FIL is widowed so that also would've left him out.

CA2MT4EveR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-tell-bridesmaid-dont-want-her-wedding-under-circumstances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2988a1d1-0e8f-466c-abd5-1aec9cada3d9Post:c1798491-43c9-4f7f-bb7f-411f94f99362">Re: Can I tell a bridesmaid that I don't want her in the wedding under these circumstances</a>:
[QUOTE]As for the BP dance,  maybe I said that wrong too.   My fiance and I are both pretty bad dancers, so our idea was to have the bridal party come in during our first dance about 1/2 way through to save us from having everyone staring at our bad moves...which no dance lessons could even help.
Posted by Traceyd14[/QUOTE]

If you only want 1/2 a song, tell the DJ and they can cut it.  Or choose a shorter song.  It's not a half hour out there, it's about 3 minutes.  No one is asking you to waltz or have a choreographed number, most people just do a slow dance to take time for only the two of you.

saxy414

I'm really glad you're coming back and listening to the advice given! 

Every one has made some really good points about the dance. 

As far as the BM goes, it's ok to be disappointed that she's going to leave, but understand that she would have done all that she's required to do before then.  Really, you probably won't even notice because you'll be busy with so much else.  And would you be as upset if she were leaving as a guest as you are with her being a BM?  Just tell her you want to make sure to have a little QT, get a good picture or two, and let it go.  With the dress--can you just let them get their own dresses in a similar style/color?  A lot of girls have done that, and it works really well.  Otherwise, put the dress up to a vote--that should take care of it.  Just please make sure it's in her price range.  :-) 

Traceyd14

I think that's the part that got me...I told them they could pick their own dresses, I just gave suggestions and told them that I prefer long but if everyone finds shorter that I am not going to necessarily say no.  I was thinking long dresses for a couple reasons, I like them better with my colors, cornflower blue and horizon blue, and 2 - that way they didn't have to worry so much about shoes matching each other or getting new ones...trying to save money there.  Then she complained about the color...I have a maid-zilla on my hands some days.

mbcdefg

I also have to add, I get along really well with my two BMs (friend and sister) and I barely got a chance to speak to them all night. I was being pulled in a million different directions by a million different people.

They participated in the ceremony and they were in the formal photos, and my sister/MOH said she'd give a toast, so their "jobs" were done once those things were over. Another non-bridesmaid friend was actually the one who helped me bustle my dress when I needed it. That was all I needed help with. I am sure nearly anyone can help you with that ... photographers and reception hall staff probably know how to bustle a dress if necessary, too. 

We had a maitre d' at our hall who got me some safety pins when I needed it, and who kept the reception running (along with the DJ), so if your hall already includes a maitre d' or a coordinator and/or if you hired a DJ, you should be all set with people keeping things running and doing stuff for you if need be. Weddings are only as complicated as you make them, so don't feel like you need your BMs there to do a bunch of stuff for you. Your hired vendors are the ones to turn to when you need something.

mbcdefg

Well, in regards to color, that's something that you have final say over. It's not at all bridezilla to say, "Sorry, Friend, but I really want this color for my wedding. I will definitely let you personalize the ensemble by picking your own style and then doing your makeup/hair/jewelry however you like, but I'm pretty set on the color scheme and that's not negotiable."

However, what color IS it? If it's something that just doesn't look good on her skintone (maybe things like yellow, orange, pale pink, red), at least hear her out. It's going to do you no good to have your desired color, if all the photos come back and your BMs look completely washed out or if they look like tomatoes.

But if the color looks good on everyone, or the vast majority of the BMs, she needs to suck it up. Being a BM sometimes means wearing a dress that you'd never choose for yourself in everyday life. As long as it doesn't look hideous on her and it's in her price range, she needs to stop complaining.

jeanna85

Uneven sides are fine. I actually think it's weird to have even sides- I don't know the likeliness that both the bride and groom have the exact same amount of very close friends.

quotequeen

If she's leaving after the ceremony then wouldn't your BP be even for the dance (if you did it) anyway?

bablingbrooke

In a word, no.

catemeg

Okay, get over the symmetry thing.  Or get him to find another friend that might not be as close - you must have a male cousin somewhere, right?  I mean, if symmetry is that important, consider ADDING instead of SUBTRACTING.

And yes, invite everyone to join you.  You may especially ask your bridal party to join you, but please don't dictate who they will be dancing with - they can pull their dates, your little cousins, or your grandma on the dance floor, and any of that would be cute, too!  And way more comfortable than awkwardly being set up.

In regards to color and length of dress - yes, you do get to pick that.  You really shouldn't dictate what shoes (more than color - black, white, silver are usually good basics) someone should wear, and even if they all had short dresses, you wouldn't notice anyway.

She isn't necessarily a maid-zilla, but she's not making things easy for you.  And you're being a bit of a bridezilla, so it's fair.