Shower $$$ question from MOH

SocialWorker2B

Hi everybody,

I am the MOH in my friend's wedding (5/2011). So I know I am a little early in planning the shower but the bride and I were thinking 2/2011. All she's going to know the approx. date and nothing else! :-) But, because of the way my life is, I kinda have to plan when I can plus I am just so excited. I just finished my wedding and have officially decided I missed my calling and should've been an event planner. Anyways....

She has one MOH and two BMs and is looking to have a 50 person shower. There is no one that has a big enough house to host the shower so I was going to hold it at a Knights of Columbus hall which right there puts the bill at $500. Then food, drinks, decorations, favors, the cake.....I want to have a tropical shower. I did out the budget and it looks like it's going to be about $1000. I am in school and am trying to get disability and my H is *freaking out* about the price.

The bride mentioned I should talk to her mom and the groom's mom, in addition to the 2 BMs, for $$$. $1000/5 would be $200pp.....much more doable. The other problem is one of the BMs is the groom's sister who is 26 or so, in essence a single mom who works at Stop and Shop.....not quite rolling in the dough. Her mom would probably be responsible for her $200....thus the groom's mother is now responsible for $400 instead of $200. Trust me, she can afford it.

I just have no idea on how to go about bringing this up to everyone! I am not friends with the two BMs and never see the the MOG or MOB. What do you say? How do you say it? Ugh, I hate discussing money. I am perfectly content to do *all* the planning and work myself (that's actually the way I like it) but $1000.....my H would have my head.

Thanks for any advice, ladies!

Sunny0710

I think in this situation a better alternative to asking for additional funds from others would be to figure out a way to scale back the shower. As a bride I would never expect my MOH and BMs to spend that amount on a pre-wedding party-especially because they are not obligated to throw parties at all. BM's are already responsible for buying their dress and possibly shoes, which can be a hefty expense. Also, some may need to pay for accommodations for the wedding weekend. Can you hold the shower in a warmer month and move the party outdoors? You could save money on a venue by doing this and still throw a nice garden party.

Best of luck!

Sunny

blackfire5th

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/25868780.aspx

Do you still dislike the bride or have you guys made up?  My answer depends on that.

LarissaAnn

Your prior post aside and assuming all is well in the relationship...

If it was ME, I'd call or email all of the women involved, and explain the idea - 50 people, tropical theme, need for a hall, etc., explain the money issue, and ask for ideas.  It's a lot easier if all five of you brainstorm.

Maybe someone's got an "in" with a firehouse!  Maybe someone *belongs* to a Knights of Columbus or VFW and can get you a killer deal.  Maybe someone has a great finished basement you didn't know about.  Maybe someone has a best friend or family member with a restaurant.  You never know until you ask.  

And if it doesn't work out that way, then maybe someone else has some other idea.  

Honestly, you'd be surprised about the houses that can fit 50.  My parents used to throw parties that big in their cape on a regular basis.

mbcdefg

1. This is ridiculously early to be planning a shower. Especially if you want to get other people involved. They're going to think you're insane to be planning a 2011 shower right now. Plus, people can't commit to a price right now ... what happens if they tell you they'll give you $200 then they lose their job next year? Wait until next year to worry about this.

2. Don't tell the bridesmaids what they will owe you, and don't say, "The shower I have in mind would be $x, O.K.?" (because that might pressure people to say yes even if they're uncomfortable).

Instead, say, "Would you like to chip in money for the shower? If so, what can you afford to contribute?" Then plan they shower around what they can give you. If the shower you have in mind will be more expensive than that, then either scale it back or cover the rest of the costs yourself. (And keep in mind that some people may not be able to pitch in money, but maybe they would rather contribute by baking something, making invitations, setting up and cleaning up, offering their home as a venue, etc.).

One of the biggest complaints I've read on these boards from bridesmaids is that the bride or MOH plans something without their input, and then basically hands them a bill for what they owe. And it's not so much that they can't afford it (although that's happened a lot) ... it's that the BMs feel that they got no say in the matter. If you're asking someone to spend money, then you need to involve them from the get-go as to how much is spent and exactly what it will be spent on. So they key here is communication ... don't tell them what you think they should contribute, ASK them what they're able to contribute. And THEN start the plans.

lyndausvi

I would wait until next year to figure this all out.  A lot can happen in a year.

I also agree that you need to do more brainstorming.  My aunt hosts 50 ppl parties all the time in her small home.  It's all family so we do not care.

gottahavashorti

Talk to the other bridesmaids and find out how much they are able to contribute to a shower.  $200 for a shower plus dress plus wedding gift and any other expenses can be hard for some people.  Determine how many guests you can afford, and have the bride make up a new guest list with that number.  If there MUST be 50, those who are upset about people being excluded can throw additional showers.

Food from Sam's Club if anyone is a member can help cut costs, and Oriental Trading always has a ton of cheap but cute tropical decorations. 

If you still can't fit into someone's home, look into renting a local church's fellowship hall - they may let you use it for less than $500 and may even have some members who make food for the events.  Also pretty much anywhere that might have seating for that many - my local non-country club golf course rents out their clubhouse for showers and birthday parties for a couple dollars per person, for example.

banana468

Instead of doing this now, wait at least six months and then discuss with the BMs the idea of a shower and what they can afford.

THEN that says what the guest list can be.    If you're close with the MOB or MOG then you may be able to get away with saying that you're planning the shower but due to the budget, the guest list is going to need to be X number of people but really, you need to plan the shower you can afford and a guest list based on your budget. 

aerinpegadrak

Our 50 guest wedding is happening in a hotel room.  It's a large hotel room, but still.  I also used to work a ride where we would have 45 people in a 15 foot long boat.  You don't need THAT much room.

But it doesn't even really take a year to plan a wedding, let alone a smaller party.  You can plan a shower in a matter of weeks, you don't need to be worried about this now.

MyNameIsNot

If I were a BM and you told me I owed $200 for a shower that you were planning, I would laugh in your face.  You are going about this wrong. 

What you should do is call each BM and the moms and ask if they are interested in co-hosting a shower with you.  If they are, ask them what they'd be comfortable contributing.  Then when you have all your numbers, you have your budget.  Don't be crass and tell people what the others have given you.  Each person that contributes money gets an equal say, so you'll all have to work together to pick out and appropriate venue, menu, decor, and number of guests.  If someone wants to give you money and tell you to handle it, they sure can, but you don't have any right to ask them to do that. 

mbcdefg

Also, don't forget that the guest list may change in the next year-18 months. The bride may fall out of touch with some people; some family members might get married and bring a new woman into the family; she may make new friends that she'd like to invite; someone (heaven forbid) might die. So that 50-person shower might end up as a 30-person shower, or a 60-person shower, by 2011.

Save your money and gather ideas for now, and don't start planning something (or asking the other BMs for money) until a few months beforehand. If someone started talking to me now for a February 2011 shower, I wouldn't say, "Oh good, she's planning early!" I would think, "Am I really going to have to deal with this psycho for the next year?"

duckie1905

Your BSC post on the nest aside:

If I was a BM and you approached me with a $200 bill, I'd tell you where you could shove your shower plans.  If the other BMs are interested in helping you need to get their opinions too.  Not just on the little stuff but on the location, date, time, place, and cost.

Additionally, I'm not sure why you assume to understand how much the MOG can/can't afford.  Unless she offers to help you don't have the right to ask her to help. 

So, the answer is to 1. approach this at a more appropriate time 2. scale the list/shower to what you and anyone assisting can afford.

megk8oz

Wait a year.

SocialWorker2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:a570ff76-a46c-4251-a91b-8d69fc198dc8">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/25868780.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/25868780.aspx</a> Do you still dislike the bride or have you guys made up?  My answer depends on that.
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

We made up. Answer please.

SocialWorker2B

The reason why I am planning now is because I have time now. But then in a month and a half, I won't have any time from February '10 till the time of the shower February '11. So I figured I should figure out some details before the week of the shower. Just a thought.

The bride dictated the 50 person shower, not me.

And I can't have it outside because the bride wants it in February, wedding is in May.

But, thanks for the other suggestions, ladies! :-)

megk8oz

Oh, wait, I remember you.

Hopefully, the bride might actually decide that there's somebody that she actually WANTS to give the MOH title to by then.

gottahavashorti

She doesn't get to dictate how many guests or when it is held, unless there are scheduling issues.  Plan a party that you can afford.

aerinpegadrak

I thought I remembered your screenname...

It's still not that complicated a party to plan.  Are you going into space for the next year?  If you have access to the Internet and a few minutes a day to field calls or emails, you can probably make it happen in the course of a week or two.

If you simply can't afford to host that many people, tell the bride.  "Hey, I'm not sure how many guests I'm going to be able to afford to host at the shower.  Can you prioritize the list for me so I can make sure that the people most important to you are invited?"

My entire wedding is 50 guests, cut down from an initial list of over 200.  If she can't pare down the list for just her shower, she's not trying hard enough.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:1847fcc4-64e0-4761-97ac-d4763ee55c21">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]My entire wedding is 50 guests, cut down from an initial list of over 200.  If she can't pare down the list for just her shower, she's not trying hard enough.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>How on earth did you do that?  It was all we could do to get our list down to 184!</div>

SocialWorker2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:c14e4e84-06ca-4e25-8428-7a0995eb57fb">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH : How on earth did you do that?  It was all we could do to get our list down to 184!
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

My wedding was 40 people! But her wedding is 150 people so she wants 50 people. I can't win....when I don't do something she wants, all I hear is "do what the bride wants" and then when I don't, all I hear is "the bride doesn't get to dictate." Let's face facts here - the bride usually dictates a lot of the shower, if subtlely.

I am just trying to make the bride happy and I think the other BMs should help out with that as well.

gottahavashorti

Don't intentionally plan something the bride can't attend or cut her immediate family off the list, obviously, but it's really not okay for her to dictate that there must be a 50 guest bridal shower.  When the cost gets to be $200 per host due to guest list size, there's definitely a need to scale down the list.

Does that number include out of town guests who you can leave off?  Also point out that not every adult female guest must be invited.  I think the must-invites are MOB, MOG and bridal party.

Are there any other friends, aunts, cousins who might host a shower?  Or maybe you and the other BMs could split up the list into separate showers hosted by different wedding party members.  Having a shower for friends, another for the bride's family and a third for the groom's family would probably result in guest list sizes small enough to be hosted in homes.  That would eliminate the cost of the hall and make it easier to self-cater.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:e92bf9f1-07e8-4f7b-ad95-4b92a788aed3">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH : My wedding was 40 people! But her wedding is 150 people so she wants 50 people. I can't win....when I don't do something she wants, all I hear is "do what the bride wants" and then when I don't, all I hear is "the bride doesn't get to dictate." Let's face facts here - the bride usually dictates a lot of the shower, if subtlely. I am just trying to make the bride happy and I think the other BMs should help out with that as well.
Posted by SocialWorker2B[/QUOTE]

<div>Not really.  Where I come from, showers are a surprise.  My shower was a TOTAL surprise.  I mean, I gave my sis/MOH the potential guest list, but she and my BMs and mom did everything.  I had NO input into location, date, time, theme, expense, favors, or anything.  I couldn't even know for sure I was having a shower (though I did, because I know my sis & mom & friends)</div><div>
</div><div>Our total wedding guest list was 184, by the way.  100 people said yes, and I had 40 at the shower.</div>

SocialWorker2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:c769b1d0-293f-4502-90e1-16f04bd364a9">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't intentionally plan something the bride can't attend or cut her immediate family off the list, obviously, but it's really not okay for her to dictate that there must be a 50 guest bridal shower.  When the cost gets to be $200 per host due to guest list size, there's definitely a need to scale down the list. Does that number include out of town guests who you can leave off?  Also point out that not every adult female guest must be invited.  I think the must-invites are MOB, MOG and bridal party. Are there any other friends, aunts, cousins who might host a shower?  Or maybe you and the other BMs could split up the list into separate showers hosted by different wedding party members.  Having a shower for friends, another for the bride's family and a third for the groom's family would probably result in guest list sizes small enough to be hosted in homes.  That would eliminate the cost of the hall and make it easier to self-cater.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

Breaking it up is a good idea. I didn't even think of that. I will definitely be thinking of that! Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

banana468

Breaking it up can work.

Keep the shower guests to those you can afford to serve.

Any good friend needs to understand that if you can't afford to feed 50 people, you shouldn't go broke trying to do so.

I'd honestly re-think my friendship if she couldn't understand that.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shower-question-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c58f885-a415-41a5-b46e-1f0a18cd54d5Post:c14e4e84-06ca-4e25-8428-7a0995eb57fb">Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower $$$ question from MOH : How on earth did you do that?  It was all we could do to get our list down to 184!
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

We were absolutely merciless, cutting everyone except WP and our parents.  We then added back in a few of FI's relatives, since he's a lot closer to his side of the family than I am to mine.  Moving it to a location where everyone would have to travel instead of just most of the guests also helped.

If she can't cut her list, I think that multiple showers is a great idea.  Two or three smaller parties will be cheaper than one large party.  I tend to prefer more intimate showers anyway; really big showers make me feel like the bride just invited everyone she knew so she could get as many gifts as possible.

mwhitson14

I still don't understand why you think a shower is that hard to plan. Pick up some invites, send them out. Pick a place. Pick up a few trays of food and drinks. Voila. Shower! I planned a baby shower for my FSIL with 30 people and only spent like $50. I had it in the afternoon in my church, bought some invites from Target, she gave me the guest list and addresses. My mom, her mom, and I cooked some food, and her best friend picked up plates, napkins, silverware, cups, and drinks the day of.

You're making this a lot harder than it has to be. Also, how does she even know what 50 people she's going to invite? I'm stil trimming my guest list and I'm 6 weeks away from sending out invites.