Sister MOH major problem! LONG sorry!

MrMrsHunt2010

This is my first time posting on here-

I originally asked my 20 yr. old sister to be MOH just because I had always thought she would be MOH so I wouldn't have to choose between friends. However, my best friend and I are extremely close (much more than my sis) and we got to talking about having 2 MOH's. So, I nicely asked my sister if she would be okay with me having 2 MOH's. She said that she wouldn't care at all. 

Since then, I have had many conversations with her because she feels like I took the "honor" away from her by having 2- she hates my best friend now because she thinks it was her idea. I tried delegating things so that they each have their own important roles- sister does the speech, bf plans the bachelorette party since my sister doesn't drink and isn't old enough anyway.

They both have said they would step down as MOH when all the drama came about but I told them both no- I chose to have 2 and that's what I want. But, now I am regretting asking my sister at all to be MOH. I would much rather if she were just a bridesmaid or not even in it at this point! It has been so much added stress! I want everyone to get along! Is that too much to ask? They don't have to be best friends, just get along ! I'm terrified now of what my sister will do on the big day! 

One more issue~ My sister turns 21 a week before the wedding so we were gong to do the bachelorette party the weekend before so she could go- even though she went to rehab when she was 15 and is now a recovering alcoholic- but she wants to go. The girls and I were all talking about going to the beach for the weekend or even a week since we are all teachers and have off- but I don't know that I want to do that the week before my wedding! So I asked my sister if she would be mad if we did it in June instead and she said sure that would be fine, initially. Now she is complaining about that as well!! I feel like she is making my wedding all about her~ she has a problem with everything! 

HELP!! 

emilyinchile

First things first: you can't delegate roles to them. People give toasts and plan parties for you if they want to, not because you ask them to. You already gave them a role as MOH - that's the honor, not anything that they may choose to do as part of the wedding process.

I would have one final conversation with your sister to say "I love you and want you to be my MOH. Ditto best friend. It doesn't mean that I love either of you less or that it somehow means less. Please let's not fight about this anymore." Then if she brings it up again, say "we've already discussed this" and change the subject.

For the bach party, only your sister can know how she feels around alcohol. It seems to me like it might be appropriate to let your other BMs know that IF they decide to do anything, you'd rather it be a dinner, beach day, spa day or some other activity where the focus isn't on drinking. You guys can have a girls night out at bars any time. Ditto the beach trip - your sister is pretty obviously feeling left out, so go to the beach with your friends but don't make that the official bach party unless you want to really hurt her. Do something fun at a time she can make it.

SarahPLiz

If your sister is a recovering alcoholic, she needs not worry about whether she is old enough to legally drink. She can GO just about anywhere with you whether she is drinking or not. If all you want is a weekend with friends and don't plan on going anywhere that she won't be admitted, then there is not problem here. SHe shouldn't be drinking anyway!

YOu created a problem by choosing the wrong MOH in the first place, and you did dishonor her by going back on that decision and making another person MOH. To her it looks like she is not good enough and you are trying to replace her. She has to share her honor that was originally bestowed only on her. No wonder she is being pissy. This doesn't give her carte blanche to make things difficult, but it is understandable that she is hurt.

Also, I hate when people claim that someone else will "ruin their day". People only ruin your day if you let them get under your skin. If she throws a fit like a child, ignore her. Short of one of you being maimed or killed, if you LET someone ruin your wedding day, then you aren't excited enough about getting married. If she makes an ass out of herself, let her. She is an adult. It is only a reflection on her.

mbcdefg

Demoting your sister to a bridesmaid will do nothing except piss her off even more. A MOH has the exact same official responsibilities as a "regular" bridesmaid ... buy dress, wear dress, show up to the wedding. That's all. MOH is supposed to be your dearest friend, and since your dearest friend is typically the one who would do the nicest stuff for you, that is where the "tradition" of the MOH throwing the bachelorette and shower, etc., developed. She doesn't do it because that's the duty of a MOH, she does it because she WANTS to do it for you. So that is why demoting your sister to a Bridesmaid would be mean and bridezilla - because it basically says to her, "You didn't do enough nice stuff for me, so I'm punishing you by taking away a meaningless title."

Kicking her out of your wedding would also be wrong. Because, again, she's done nothing to deserve that. If she's bought the dress and will be at the wedding, then she's fulfilled her obligations to you as a Maid of Honor.

She is not making your wedding "all about her." And the reason for that - the planning planning process is NOT YOUR WEDDING. The bachelorette party is NOT YOUR WEDDING. The date of August 20 - THAT is your wedding. Your entire engagement is NOT YOUR WEDDING.

And unless she shoves you out of the way at the altar and marries your FI in your place, then she has not made your wedding "all about her." Like PPs said, she will only aggrivate you as much as you let her. If you spend all yoru time worrying about how she'll "ruin" your wedding, then your wedding WILL be ruined because you allowed her attitude to ruin it. If you just ignore stuff she says, then you will avoid the situation entirely. And I don't get why you are "terrified" of what she'll do at your wedding - you're blowing the situation up and creating drama where there doesn't need to be any. How does her arguing with your other MOH equate to you being terrified? RELAX!

So, my advice: let them work out bachelorette plans amongst themselves. If they argue, do not get in the middle of it, because it does not involve you. If they get their dresses and stand up in the wedding, they've done their jobs. Period. Stop worrying about the rest of it and stop getting involved in their arguments, because it is not your job to be referee. If they come biitching to you about each other, simply say, "You're both adults, work it out amongst yourselves, I'm not getting involved." And then change the subject or walk away.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]They both have said they would step down as MOH when all the drama came about but I told them both no- I chose to have 2 and that's what I want. But, now I am regretting asking my sister at all to be MOH. I would much rather if she were just a bridesmaid or not even in it at this point![/QUOTE]
You opted to have co-MOH.  You reaffirmed that you wanted them both to be MOH.   You cannot go back on your word there.

[QUOTE]I want everyone to get along! Is that too much to ask? They don't have to be best friends, just get along ! I'm terrified now of what my sister will do on the big day![/QUOTE]
I don't think it's too much to ask for adults to treat each other in a civil manner.  Why would your sister do anything on the big day though?  Just drop it.

[QUOTE] One more issue~ My sister turns 21 a week before the wedding so we were gong to do the bachelorette party the weekend before so she could go- even though she went to rehab when she was 15 and is now a recovering alcoholic- but she wants to go. The girls and I were all talking about going to the beach for the weekend or even a week since we are all teachers and have off- but I don't know that I want to do that the week before my wedding! So I asked my sister if she would be mad if we did it in June instead and she said sure that would be fine, initially. Now she is complaining about that as well!![/QUOTE]
Your WP does need to make an effort to schedule the party for a time when she can go.  If her schedule is the only one standing in the way, oh well, but if not then she should be included.  She should not be drinking anyhow, but there are a lot of alternatives to a drinking b-party as Emily suggested.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-moh-major-problem-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2d18a142-e38b-4048-b02e-dfab223da879Post:0b60edff-d224-4069-acc0-bb4194d37152">Re: Sister MOH major problem! LONG sorry!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all! You definitely put things into perspective. I'm done worrying about it! 
Posted by MrMrsHunt2010[/QUOTE]

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