Best man drama!

longstrethvetrano

So my fianc asked his so called best friend to be his best man, naturally. Our wedding date is August 9th and as of the past few days his BM has decided to completely attack our wedding and planning down to every small detail which he knows nothing about. He has said extremely hateful and accusatory things almost 100 of what he's saying is his perspective and things HE doesn't like and he has clearly forgotten its OUR big day. It's gotten so ugly that now my FH has kicked him out of the bridal party and asked his Dad who is really his best friend to be the BM. The trouble is, the former BM wife is one of my bridesmaids. I am hesitant to have her in the wedding party anymore because I do not want her carrying information or trash talking any decisions we make or how our wedding is, with him. She has expressed that she still wants to be in the wedding, but I don't feel like I can trust her. She is a self proclaimed wedding planner so she's been very passive aggressive about how she thinks I should listen to all of her ideas and that we are doing it all wrong because SHE isn't helping us plan more. This is also why her husband ExBM began having hard feelings. I would have her help more with planning but we are VERY different and she does not take others ideas well. HELP because I don't want to offend her by kicking her out of the bridal party, but I cannot have more drama so close to the wedding, and her husband is the source of it. I don't want my wedding to be trashed later an belittled and I don't want to have him in the back of my mind while she's with me on my wedding day. She has belittled the wedding too so I feel very judged and nitpicked by them as a whole. What should we do??

ElisabethJoanne

There's no such thing as a perfect wedding, and you don't own your guests' experiences. I think any event as big as a wedding is going to make someone discontent, and that someone will likely talk about it to someone at some point. Maybe they don't like your choice of music, or the time of day, or the location, or the flowers. You're not going to make everyone perfectly happy, because they're individuals.

All you can control is your reaction to others' whims.

It sounds like this couple is very opionionated. It also sounds like they're very interested and excited in your wedding. That may be better than having people that just don't care. I know there's all sorts of wedding-errands looming ahead, but you don't need to talk about them or ask for help, even from your bridal party. That should calm down this wedding planner a bit. If she wants to talk about the wedding, answer her questions really fast and simple, then change the subject.

mbcdefg

So your fiances best friend suddenly started trashing you guys out of absolutely nowhere? That makes absolutely no sense. If I were your fiance, I'd invite the guy out for a beer and ask him if he's okay. However ... there's a difference between this guy trashing your plan for the flowers, versus him complaining about stuff you're expecting HIM to do what to wear, throwing a bachelor party, how much to spend, etc. What plans of yours, exactly, does he have such a big problem with?

aerinpegadrak

For choices that have no impact on your guests' comfort (like centerpieces, colors, things like that), the opinions of others ultimately don't matter that much.  It doesn't matter if it's how they would have done it, it's not their party.

For choices that DO impact the guests' comfort (insufficient or awkward seating, long gaps, charging for anything), then yes, you should weigh the opinions of others.  This is probably the biggest party you'll ever host, and you want to make sure you're performing your duties as hosts well.

If you don't like their opinions about the wedding, stop bloody talking about it with them.  All they need to know is the details on their attire and when to show up; they're not under any obligation to help plan, especially if their "help" is driving you batty.

longstrethvetrano

Yes, just a few days ago after he got our invitation and the front did not say mr and mrs X FAMILY he has a 37yr old who we've already asked to be ring bearers he texted my FH started cursing him out and said we were making ourselves look like A holes. My FH has tried to talk it out with him but he's only continued to send hateful texts and as of recent, a 3 page email to him about what a mess our wedding is and how cheap my family is who's paying for entire wedding he even thought we were "selfish" for listing his father last on the invitation when naming my FH parents. they're divorced and in my opinion his Mom should be listed 1st..it's a line in an invitation..I can't help it he has even went as far as to swear at me and call me all sorts of names. He has made up things about our wedding shower and what happened even though he wasn't there there wasn't suppose to be alcohol a guest brought a bottle of wine so tried opening it with a knife and he called us rude for not having a bottle opener at the church venue when my FH tries talking to him it gets nowhere and now the BM has just continued to escalate it. The BM even said my father in law didn't think I wanted a relationship with him so we called him and asked if it was true and he said he had NEVER said that to the BM. So it's not a matter of me just simply not listening or asking for their opinion anymore, they wanted to be even MORE involved from the beginning and we have been quiet about it to them they've NEVER asked details when we were with them..NEVER yet we are the ones who are selfish and have been doing things "all wrong" because we haven't let them weigh in on the wedding. My FH really thinks the issue is that he knows things are changinggetting married moving to Japan and he feels I've replaced him. We have tried so much to spend time with him and his wife but we an only do so much. My FH lives 3 hrs from me and them and can only visit every other weekend so when he does visit his BM expects him over every weekend night to party with him which then makes it so my FH I don't get any alone time when he's here. We think that's the real issue but now that the BM hasn't treated simply as that that hes panicking with the changes hes instead attacked said such hateful things that it's become a much larger issue devastating to my FH. That's also why we told him to two down because he doesn't wanna fix it like an adult and we can't have such hate and bad attitudes up there on such a big day. Help!

longstrethvetrano

I'm on an iPhone so it's hard to see my post as a whole. Not my intention. So sorry.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2dd6715b-65bd-4a8b-bfd8-7133ca8c4df0Post:a0caeaa9-8fe3-4030-826c-df13cbf9626c">Re:Best man drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Best man drama! : Dude, you're murdering the English language.  Sentences and Paragraphs are your friends, and they make it much easier for us to read and respond to.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I couldn't get through it all even broken up into paragraphs.  tl;dr?

longstrethvetrano

It's a very complicated issue so I was simply trying to give you the main details. Was trying not to make it too long.

OBX2011

So it sounds like there is a lot more to this issue than the BM and his wife not liking your wedding ideas and doing it their way.  It's one thing for your WP to give your their opinions on this and that, but when you start trash talking and causing problems amongst your family, that's crossing the line.  I have to be honest here and tell you that if I were in this same situation, I would have a really really hard time on deciding whether or not I would want them to stand with me and my future H, to witness our vows on the biggest day of our lives. 

If your FI has reallllly tried to talk it out with him and the former BM keeps being an a**hole and causing even more problems, I would have to strongly consider cutting ties.  It seems as if former BM could really care less about the friendship at this point.

I am not necessarily telling YOU that's what you should do, but just my thoughts on what I would do in that situation.

This is tough one.  I am really sorry that you and future H are having to deal with such negativity from what is supposed to be your closest friends.

What are everyone else's thoughts on this?

longstrethvetrano

StageManager: That's not at all how I stated the events. Thank you for your input.

longstrethvetrano

OBX: Thank you so very much! This is what my FH I have been considering but we did not want to make a hasty decision. Thank you for your constructive, and helpful advice.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2dd6715b-65bd-4a8b-bfd8-7133ca8c4df0Post:9d46ef98-ae8f-4528-88f2-460d00a6e81f">Re:Best man drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]StageManager: That's not at all how I stated the events. Thank you for your input.
Posted by longstrethvetrano[/QUOTE]

I don't think SM meant any harm in her comment, it was just a version of cliff-notes persay, in regards to the jackarss BM.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2dd6715b-65bd-4a8b-bfd8-7133ca8c4df0Post:361286bd-b967-45ee-97de-9cb0713e1ac9">Re:Best man drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Best man drama!: <strong>Something about a 37 yr old ring bearer, opening wine with a knife and the best man spreading rumors about FFIL.</strong> Op, why are you still friends with these people? End the friendship, then wife not being a BM is an automatic. But don't replace her.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I read it all the way through three times and got little more than that out of it.

jemmini6

I'll be honest that I skimmed over most of it too because of the structure, but I got that the BM is sort of lashing out and possibly projecting his feelings about 'being replaced' onto the wedding plans.

I think your FI needs to have a serious chat with him about how his behavior is inappropriate and confirm the reason he's doing this.  However, considering he's acting like a child already, the liklihood of that being an adult conversation without more name-calling and temper tantrums is slim to none.  If he can't grow up and be reasonable, then I think this is one of the few times where removing him from the wedding is actually a smart move.  If he was just being a diiick about the invites, then that wouldn't be enough of a reason, but if he's starting rumors and drama with your families, that's definitely going too far.

I'm not sure about the wife though.  Has SHE done or said anything like he has?  Do you have reasonable suspicion (other than her being his wife) that she'll try to start drama too?  Without more information on her situation, it's hard to judge that factor.  Although I will say that her wanting to be in the WP despite her H being kicked out is an interesting factor.  Either she thinks her husband is being unreasonable and understands why you removed him, or she wants to stay in as 'revenge' to be able to stir up more drama.  Again, can't say which way I think she's leaning without more info.

longstrethvetrano

Sorry, I tried to put this in paragraph form but it won't post it the way I have it separated? I am on my phone so I think that's why it's giving me a fit. I apologize in advance. Jemmini: you are exactly right. My FH has tried addressing it once, and I've even tried talking to him. He handled it exactly how we expected...With a temper tantrum.  As far as his wife goes, she has been opinionated from the start, but comes from a good place I think. The first example was when I told the BM about where to get their dresses from. A few days after I gave all the dress info to the BM's, she took the liberty without asking me first, and emailed all the BM about a website where they could order their dresses from instead. This irritated me only because I was worried that if they ordered from different vendors then the shades are at risk of not matching. I did damage control, she apologized.  The 2nd example is when she was assigned by my MOH to put on the games at our wedding shower. The MOH told her specifically about one game that I did not want to play at the shower. Well, when my MOH inquired to her a few days  before the shower about what game ideas she had come up with, the BM immediately named the ONE specific game I said I DIDNT want. When my MOH fought back a little and disagreed with her game choice, her response was that it was a great game idea and that it was their decision since they're throwing the shower for me. I AGAIN had to do damage control and nicely emailed the BM's throwing the shower for me, including her offered a list of games I've always wanted to play at my wedding shower. She finally relented and the shower went fine. In the email her husband recently sent to my FH called my game ideas "ridiculous" and belittled us over such a small detail. It made me wonder if she felt the same way behind closed doors and was nasty about it too.  She even went as far as to call my MOH, who had planned the shower, the day before the event, and was crying and said she thought the shower was going to be a mess didn't want her "name" on such a disaster. My MOH offered to her that she did not have to participate and to think about it and call her back. The BM called back the next day and apologized.  So, that is why I am hesitant to continue having her as a BM now, since on top of the previous "bumps" with her during the planning, her husband is now very negative towards the wedding.  When the initial text was sent by her husband and his feelings were made known, she did call me and said she did not share his feelings and hoped to still be in the wedding. I said she was. My concern is that I'm going to be worrying about her carrying all the information about how our wedding went, back to her husband after our big day just so he can trash talk it again.  My FH says I shouldn't worry about it but I do not want to be thinking about him every time I look at her during our wedding.

aerinpegadrak

I'll reiterate the question of why you're still friends with these people.  Are they always like this?

If you're ready to end the friendship and never talk to them again, then I'd sit them down and break up.  Explain that they've been treating you very poorly and things don't appear to be changing any time soon, so you don't want to see them anymore.  Don't make it about the wedding.

Also, thanks for trying to break it up a bit, that was easier to understand.

longstrethvetrano

Good advice.. Thank you!Unfortunately, they haven't always been like this or to this degree of severity in their controlling behavior.. That's why it's been so sad and stressful. Thank you again.

longstrethvetrano

The BM is definitely out of our wedding and uninvited. I'm just stuck on what to do about his wife, my BMaid. Cut her out too?