I need your advice about a sticky situation!

blueyesvt

Today I was talking to one of me and my FI's mutual friends and we were talking about the Best Man. She told me that he was really against our wedding (which he hasn't seemed at all) and that he talks to everyone else that we're friends with saying that we're just going to end up divorced! He also said he's not going to write the speech until the night before the wedding...

I am really upset and hurt by his words because it took my FI weeks to pick between his two best friends (who both seemed supportive) at the time. 

I haven't told FI about this yet. I don't want to make a mess. I just don't know what to do!

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. TIA!

blackfire5th

Since this is all coming from a third party and not from the bestman I don't think you should do anything about it.  Until you actually know that the bestman is saying these things or acts unsupportive, you don't know that he actually feels this way and confronting him about it might cause more problems.

CTGirl30

Yikes.

What was the mutual friends' motivation for telling you, do you think?   If she is also friends with your FI, she could have told him and brought it up with him since it's his best man and really, something he should know about to deal with and not you - you're right that this puts you in a very awkward situation.

Also, did he say these things to the mutual friend first hand?  How does she know he is saying these things? Could she have possibly not gotten context right (as in stupid, not funny guy "joking" around or second hand information, for example?)

I'm not sure what to tell you for advice, but if it were me I would really want to discuss it with my FI. There's no way I could put that out of my mind and I'd hate to think that someone was standing up there for us who was against our marriage / predicting a divorce.

I'm sorry - I'd be pretty upset hearing something like that, too.

LarissaAnn

I'd definitely talk to your FI about it, since I talk to my H about anything anyway.  BUT, I'd emphasize to him that he shouldn't confront his BM about it.  When it's coming from a third party, you have no way of knowing how accurate the info is.  Let it go for now, unless you or your FI hear something directly from the BM.

mbcdefg

I agree with PPs - I would not take this as absolute fact unless you get it straight from the Best Man himself. I'm not calling your friend a liar, but things may have gotten skewed somewhere along the grapevine, and it's very possible that your Best Man doesn't feel this way at all.

Should you bring it up to your FI? I don't know. I would say it depends on his personality. I know many guys who would go ballistic and immediately confront the Best Man about it, which probably isn't the right thing to do given that as of right now it's a rumor. I know other guys who would look at it more objectively and get the facts straight before confronting the Best man. And I know many guys who'd just blow it off, or call the girlfriend a liar (even to the point of ruining the bride's relationship with her friend because he will always believe his best friend over someone else).

Since you say the Best Man seems to be a good guy who supports you and FI, I personally wouldn't act on your friend's comment right away. But IMO I'd just pay closer attention to what the Best Man says and does, because maybe there's something about him that you just haven't noticed up until now. I also think I might hold off on talking to your FI about it, at least until you've had time to process this information and maybe get some facts straight.

Sorry. I hope it works out for the best.

ecsmiles

I think it depends what type of relationship you have with the best man.  If it were me, and the best man was someone that I knew well and was friends with, I might try to talk to him about not.  BUT in a way that is more so asking if it was true - not assuming it is and jumping down his throat.  But nevertheless, I'd probably talk to FI about it.  Just talking it out with him might make you see that it was just a rumor and set your fears to rest.

Also - I agree with another response that you should consider why this third person told you this.  Did he/she have anything to gain?  Does he/she even know the best man well enough to have been in that conversation?

Try not to stress too much

blackfire5th

Sorry, I didn't answer part of your question.  Yes I would tell my DH about it but that is because we talk about everything.  It might make you feel better talking to your FI about this guy.  He might have better insight on how the bestman actually feels.

blueyesvt

Thanks for all your comments!

I know it is hard to believe it coming from a third party. . . the girl I was talking to is very much so closer to me than she is to my FI, so that's why she talked to me about it. We (me and her) have both had issues with the BM in the past, but it seemed that at this point all has been resolved. It is kind of a hard situation to explain, but because she's one of my best friends I don't have any doubt that she is lying about it.

My FI is a bit hot-headed but it seems like a lot to keep to myself. It is making me so uncomfortable. I guess that we'll just have to take it step-by-step and see what happens. I just don't know what we're going to do if it is true.

Thanks again, everyone

megk8oz

This is a toughie.

I would take into account before doing anything else, that this information is coming from a third party. And that for all you know, this 3rd party may have gotten this information 4th or 5th hand (You know, a friend takes something out of context, says something to another friend, who says it in front of your friend, who may have only been 1/2 listening at the time ...).

I wouldn't confront the Best Man, but I would start paying attention to the way he acts around you guys. Does it seem like he's "faking it"? Or does everything seem fine?

I'm not sure about mentioning it to your FI just yet (Maybe if Best Man is appearing to be phoning in the enthusiasm, then say something?) ... it totally depends on the kind of guy he is. I could bring something like this to my FI and he would objectively watch the guy before deciding to say or do anything. But if your FI is somebody that takes "immediate" action and confronts people left and right, then this might not be something to mention until you're 110% there's an actual issue.

Best wishes!!!

laurening

This is a toughie. I'm always very reluctant to pass along information that's hearsay. Your friend may not be lying, but things can easily get taken out of context.

Did your friend witness him talking smack? What were his exact words? What was the context? Does he have an obnoxious sense of humour? Since she's had an issue with this guy in the past too, is it possible he was purposely needling her at your expense?

Can you ask any of the other friends he's said this too and get their perspective?

psichick

i would talk to the best man first and get his side of the story and take it from there.

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-sticky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2f6a8c82-bd73-4ba5-8856-66d536e21df5Post:3884f221-fa8b-480e-aa54-4585b67d31bf">Re: I need your advice about a sticky situation!</a>:
[QUOTE] My FI is a bit hot-headed but it seems like a lot to keep to myself. Posted by blueyesvt[/QUOTE]

Could it be that he may have been making a comment about this?  Does he think that your FI just isn't good "marriage material" because he loses his temper?  Maybe he thinks that your FI will cont. to lose his temper and eventually you will get sick of it and move on to someone that you deserve?  Perhaps he was in a disscussion about divorce and considering the current stat is that 51% of marriages end in divorce he may have been making a joke that the odds are against you.  Is he seeing anyone?  Is he married?  Because given the stats that between you and me, one of will get divorced, I'm going to say it's you <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

blackfire5th

One more thing.  Could your FI have ever complained to the bestman about your relationship at some point?  It may have been years ago, but it is hard for others to forgive and forget when they know that someone hurt their loved one.

For example:  I have a friend that had some problems with her BF a couple years ago.  So, from then on I saw him as a real jerk.  It seems like their reationship is moving in the right direction now and that he has changed, and I really try to see him in a good light, but I will always have the fact that he acted like a douche in the back of my mind.  So, now if they ever do get married, I will support them, but will always wonder if it will last.  Maybe that is what the bestman is feeling.

banana468

Ditto blackfire.  Is it possible that since he's the "Best Man" that he's heard all the good AND bad?

Either way, I don't know that I'd keep that information from my FI either.  I personally wouldn't go to the BM but I'd tell my FI so that he can deal with his friend how he wants to.

If the shoe was on my foot, I'd talk to my MOH.

TMarie2010

I'm not sure if anyone pointed this out, but IF it is true, what are you going to do?!  I guess that's an important question, b/c if it doesn't change anything, meaning he will still be the BM, then I guess it's really a moot point.  No point in causing any further problems, etc.  I understand that it's difficult to hear that bad things are being said about you, esp from someone so close, but in reality, you aren't going to be liked by everyone.
AND just b/c he does said bad things, it doesn't make them TRUE! 

now if it does change things, like you will ask him to step down as BM, then you need to take the advice of previous post and wait until you have further info before proceeding.  He could have said it 1 night when he was drunk and upset with the world, so was taking it out on other people.....there are so many possibilties that it's not a good idea to start something that might not even be there.  Also, is it possible to ask the other friends that have heard him say it? Perhaps get their point of view? 

debbieupper

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-sticky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2f6a8c82-bd73-4ba5-8856-66d536e21df5Post:160ce8a9-31ab-49e4-bd66-d3e30544d976">Re: I need your advice about a sticky situation!</a>:
[QUOTE]If the shoe was on my foot, I'd talk to my MOH.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

... If the shoe was on MY foot, I'd give the best man a swift kick in the rear and ask him why he agreed to be the BEST MAN if that's how he feels.

But I guess there could be other effective methods of handling this, as mentioned by PPs.

In any case, good luck to you. Don't let this ruin anything big for you - the wedding is about you and your fiance's life together, and no jerkwad best man can take that from you.

banana468

Yeah, no way would I swiftly kick.  I'm not going to assume a 3rd party message is accurate ever.

swim1011

If your friend actually heard him say these things, I would talk to your FI about it.  I don't see why you should be the only one to deal with this, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.  And a PP had a good point- will it change anything if he really did say those things?  If it won't, the fight probably isn't worth it.. although, I personally wouldn't want someone who is so against my mariage to stand up for us. 

I agree with blackfire, too- my bff married her H over the summer.  He treated her like crap for a long time, and got together with her while dating another girl, and tried to cheat on her (with his best girl friend, no less) a year before he proposed.  I'm happy that she's happy, but I always keep that in the back of my mind when I see him, you know?

blueyesvt

Thanks so much everyone!

I honestly don't feel that we've ever gone through anything sticky, so it isn't likely that the BM has heard any serious negativity about me from my FI. But you guys have given me a lot of insight into the situation. 

Last night I decided to talk to my FI about it, because it was far too difficult to keep to myself (and I knew my MOH would overreact, its in her nature). He took it pretty well, and pointed out some of the things you all have said. I could tell he was upset, and I don't know if he is going to know how to act around his BM when he sees him, but we both agreed that this is not something that we are going to act on unless we have a solid reason.

Thanks again, sooo much.