Help!

[Deleted User]

My FI wants me to drop two of my bridesmaids because he believes that our party is too big. I have already asked the girls to purchase their dress and shoes.  ~ICK~
Now, he is asking me to drop two of them and I have no idea how to choose two of them to drop. Is there a way to ask two of my bridesmaids to step down?
Is this socially okay?
I need lots and lots of help on this one. Any suggestions will be of value.

M

frogurt814

Seriously hoping this is just MUD.

suz62984

No this is socially terrible. It makes you look like a huge biotch (even though that may not be the situation), it is rude and hurtful, it will hurt the BM's feelings, it will tell them that they are not good enough to be with you on your special day, it will tell them that the remaining BMs are more important to you, and it will end your friendship. Your FI has no say in your wedding party, as you have no say in his.

Remind your FI that these are your friends. They are not props to be positioned when and where you want them. They are people with feelings and should be treated as such. Just say "FI, i'm sorry that you feel the wedding party is too big; however I have already asked my girls and it would be hurtful to demote friends. What's done is done and cannot be 'taken back.' Besides, I love my friends and it's important for them to be my BMs on the wedding day."  If he can't understand that then you have bigger problems than demoting BMs.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:c24f1d32-0474-48b1-b159-8d2d96331bad">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have a BM problem, you have a FI problem.  A big one.  He has no business telling you to drop your friends, and you should't do it.  Especially since he has no real reason for it.  Keep your friends in the WP.  And maybe put the wedding planning on hold while you and your FI work out some relationship issues.  Because frankly, this is NOT normal behaviour.  Not by a long shot.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

This...absolutely.  And think hard.  Til death do us part is a really long time to deal with behavior like this.

LD1970

TELL YOUR FI TO JUMP IN THE LAKE.  And yes, I'm yelling.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:9817d96c-a369-4b6e-96b0-b68cfc2c855c">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]@LD: Love the siggy.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
LOL, thanks!  I'm so sick of the sparkly vampire movement.  I'm a Nosferatu/Dracula fan myself.  Even Lestat.  And Spike.  This new teeny bopper crap is grating on me.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:fb272581-50bb-4a51-a2b5-215830e20c0b">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! : LOL, thanks!  I'm so sick of the sparkly vampire movement.  I'm a Nosferatu/Dracula fan myself.  Even Lestat.  And Spike.  This new teeny bopper crap is grating on me.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
I never believed there could be a vampire that could outwhine Spike.  I'm not pleased to be proven wrong.

KaylaSue19

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:9817d96c-a369-4b6e-96b0-b68cfc2c855c">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]@LD: Love the siggy.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I agree, that siggy is awesome.

On another note. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT okay to "dump" a BM. Nothing more to say on that topic other than horrible question.

SSaltzman87

What your FI is suggesting is just plain wrong. He sounds like a douche and doesn't get to dictate who's a BM, just like you don't choose his GMs. If he doesn't like it, then tough shiz.

bablingbrooke

Best of luck, keep us posted! 

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the help. We are talking about this tonight. M
Posted by Myst2211[/QUOTE]
Good luck - don't cave to his ridiculous request. Please.

gottahavashorti

I have a question, mostly for the regs. 

When a poster asks if it's okay to kick out a BM/request to kick out a GM, she's generally told that it's not okay and not to get caught up in even sides, that it may be a case of wedding induced bad ideas, etc.  She's rarely, at least without opportunity to change her mind, told that she should consider calling off the wedding.  When a poster says that her FI is proposing the same thing, the response is to ditch him.

Why is that?  I mean, I agree that it could be a red flag on either end of the unreasonable party isn't willing to change their mind after being presented with logical reasons why removing a WP member or asking a SO to remove WP members.  But why does the general response seem to be so much harsher toward the everyday character and morality of the male half of the couple?

Sorry for the bajillion run-on sentences.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:db125967-c396-4a7c-aa54-2946f019974a">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question, mostly for the regs.  When a poster asks if it's okay to kick out a BM/request to kick out a GM, she's generally told that it's not okay and not to get caught up in even sides, that it may be a case of wedding induced bad ideas, etc.  She's rarely, at least without opportunity to change her mind, told that she should consider calling off the wedding.  When a poster says that her FI is proposing the same thing, the response is to ditch him. Why is that?  I mean, I agree that it could be a red flag on either end of the unreasonable party isn't willing to change their mind after being presented with logical reasons why removing a WP member or asking a SO to remove WP members.  But why does the general response seem to be so much harsher toward the everyday character and morality of the male half of the couple? Sorry for the bajillion run-on sentences.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
I can't speak for others, but I see it as him 1) disrespecting her friendships and wishes, and 2) a bit controlling.<div>
</div><div>Having said that, I don't think that she should knee-jerk ditch him.  And hopefully it's really innocuous and he wasn't really thinking when he said it to her.  Lord knows my DH did some boneheaded things when we were engaged, though nothing like this.  </div><div>
</div><div>The fact that her FI would even say, "You need to remove two friends from our wedding because I say so," it's basically him saying, "Your friends are expendable and I want them out."  When brides say, "How can I convince my FI to bump some GM" I usually will give the response that it's not her call, it's his side, she probably wouldn't tolerate it if he did it to her, and I'd think twice about marrying someone who would control that.</div><div>
</div><div>Again, my hope is that he didn't realize it would be such a big deal and maybe he's one of those people who can't conceive of uneven sides and thought it was a standard thing to ask.  But that's not always the case.  So that's why I said to think about the situation and maybe look at the relationship, because I'd never heard of people telling each other to remove friends from the WP until I came here, so I can't imagine it's common.</div>

gottahavashorti

If he comes away after discussing it further and learning the reasons why it's bad, I can see the controlling/disrespecting friendship thing. 

My initial reaction is just that he's probably entirely oblivious to uneven sides being okay, removing WP members being a really bad move, it being okay to have a large WP, etc .  Pretty much the same reason that people frequently suggest ideas that could be really offensive to their friends and family.  I know a good number of people come back and defend those ideas, but a decent number still realize their error.

My second reaction is that it could be a case of someone who wants to have an even WP.  Bride pressures groom to ask more GM to match the number of BM, groom's response is "well, why don't you kick out your friends instead?" I mean in general here, not specific to the OP's individual case.

tldh

Gottahave: I'm with Brooke and Trix on this one.  My first thought was that this is controlling behavior and that can lead to abusive behavior.  I have two friends who got into these kinds of relationships where their BFs slowly cut them off from their friends and created problems with their families.  You know what's going on but until she sees it for herself, all you can do is be sure to be there for her when she wants out and make damn sure she's not stupid enough to go back.

I hope this is just some knucklehead jerk but red flags of a potentially abusive relationship are flying all over the place.  Even if he's never laid a hand on her, twice I've seen this as the starting point.

bablingbrooke

I don't understand why even sides are so freaking important.  I mean I really don't understand the lengths people will go to keep them even.  And I'm someone who thought you "had" to have uneven sides until I came here and then had uneven sides myself.  

Does common sense just completely fly out the window, or is this a sign that the marriage is already in trouble since the priorities of the couple are so out of whack?

mbcdefg

I can understand getting caught up in the idea of, "We HAVE to do things this way because that's the way we're supposed to do it" with certain things. But I can't understand why people don't use common sense when it comes to treating their friends like shiit. I know better than to punch a friend in the face even if "tradition" says I should do so.

If a guy came here saying that his fiancee was asking him to boot two groomsmen to keep things even, I'd ask him why he was considering marrying such a petty, closed-minded woman.

[Deleted User]

Hey Ladies,
Again I thank you all for your opinions and suggestions. I am not going to dump my FI. He just would prefer that we keep our sides even and did not understand the implications of what he was asking me to do. After a long discussion I am not dumping any of my BM and we can consider the matter closed.

Again I thank you all.

M

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:302f4c30-beb5-45c9-a377-bb2403a2c9bbPost:db125967-c396-4a7c-aa54-2946f019974a">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question, mostly for the regs.  When a poster asks if it's okay to kick out a BM/request to kick out a GM, she's generally told that it's not okay and not to get caught up in even sides, that it may be a case of wedding induced bad ideas, etc.  She's rarely, at least without opportunity to change her mind, told that she should consider calling off the wedding.  When a poster says that her FI is proposing the same thing, the response is to ditch him. Why is that?  I mean, I agree that it could be a red flag on either end of the unreasonable party isn't willing to change their mind after being presented with logical reasons why removing a WP member or asking a SO to remove WP members.  But why does the general response seem to be so much harsher toward the everyday character and morality of the male half of the couple? Sorry for the bajillion run-on sentences.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
I think actually asking the question is crossing the line.  Usually the brides who come here with a similar concern haven't taken it to their FI yet.  Though I do stand by my earlier response: if DH had come to me with such a request, I wouldn't have necessarily dumped him, but the wedding would have definitely been on hold until we could work some things out.

Glad you got everything sorted out, OP.