Feeling let down by bridesmaids

nccowley

Hi everyone,

This weekend I had my bachelorette party, and while it was lovely, it was marred by the absence of two ladies in the bridal party.

I was very disappointed that neither came. Also, neither shared with me ahead of time that they were not going to be there... no apology, no reason, nothing.

I'm feeling a bit let down. My wedding is right around the corner, and I'm feeling let down enough that I'm not sure I want them standing next to me as I begin this next chapter of my life. I have two other bridesmaids (one is my MOH) who have been amazing and with me in every step of the planning. I understand that they are out of town (2-3 hours away), so maybe I am overreacting. Both were present at my bridal shower.

I'm just feeling like a phone call would have been nice.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm emotionally a wreck right now.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-let-down-by-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36522985-9968-49a8-bafd-c9aa37bd2b97Post:8f584ca4-f6af-4b89-be02-a2389c090883">Feeling let down by bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This weekend I had my bachelorette party, and while it was lovely, it was marred by the absence of two ladies in the bridal party. I was very disappointed that neither came. Also, neither shared with me ahead of time that they were not going to be there... no apology, no reason, nothing. I'm feeling a bit let down. My wedding is right around the corner, and I'm feeling let down enough that I'm not sure I want them standing next to me as I begin this next chapter of my life. I have two other bridesmaids (one is my MOH) who have been amazing and with me in every step of the planning. I understand that they are out of town (2-3 hours away), so maybe I am overreacting. Both were present at my bridal shower. I'm just feeling like a phone call would have been nice. Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm emotionally a wreck right now.
Posted by nccowley[/QUOTE]
Yes, you're overreacting.  It would have been nice for them to give you a heads up, but an invitation is not a subpoena.  The only thing they have to attend is the ceremony.  Everything else is optional.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-let-down-by-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36522985-9968-49a8-bafd-c9aa37bd2b97Post:8f584ca4-f6af-4b89-be02-a2389c090883">Feeling let down by bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This weekend I had my bachelorette party, and while it was lovely, it was marred by the absence of two ladies in the bridal party. I was very disappointed that neither came. Also, neither shared with me ahead of time that they were not going to be there... no apology, no reason, nothing. I'm feeling a bit let down. My wedding is right around the corner, and I'm feeling let down enough that I'm not sure I want them standing next to me as I begin this next chapter of my life. I have two other bridesmaids (one is my MOH) who have been amazing and with me in every step of the planning. I understand that they are out of town (2-3 hours away), so maybe I am overreacting. Both were present at my bridal shower. I'm just feeling like a phone call would have been nice. Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm emotionally a wreck right now.
Posted by nccowley[/QUOTE]

Really? You want to end your friendship with these two women because they didn't make a 6-hour round trip drive to come to a party they weren't required to attend in the first place? Because that's what would happen if you kick them out of your wedding party.

You know what? Do them a favor and kick them out. You sound like way too much drama.

Simply Fated

You're definitely overreacting. You're an emotional wreck... over WHAT, exactly? It's just a party.

mbcdefg

It's a night out. It's not the be-all, end-all of your relationship with these people. And it's not like you will never, ever see them or spend a fun night with them again, correct? This "new chapter" of your life isn't as monumental or life-changing as you may think it is.

If this is the only issue you have with them, then you definitely need to let it go.

If there are other issues, then address the real problem rather than using the party as a scapegoat. And the real problem likely isn't about the wedding ... it's probably that your friends always have a habit of not coming to stuff for you, or that they always DID do that and all of a sudden they've stopped (in which case, you need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why that is). I'm willing to bet that this isn't your only gripe against these two girls, am I right?

Good friends don't spontaneously decide to do stuff just to piss you off for absolutely no reason. It's really not reasonable for you to comtemplate kicking these girls out of your wedding just because they didn't travel several hours to a party for you.

Re: the phone call ... was someone else in charge of the guest list? Maybe they told her that they weren't coming. If you were keeping track of who was coming, is the issue that they said they were coming and then never showed, or did you just figure that everyone who was invited would show up? Yeah, it's crappy to say you're coming and then not show up and not call, but is it really worth ending a friendship over?

nccowley

Thanks for the wake up. I am upset and probably just need to sleep on it. I just think about what I would have done in their shoes. I had not totally unreasonable visions of how the past few months would play out, and it just seems like it didn't work out like that. I had only three expectations of the people in my bridal party -

shower
bachelorette party
ceremony

i assure you, i am not drama, and have always been there for my friends. i will continue to be there for them. i just don't always get the feeling its reciprocated. going to sleep on it now.

mbc - the MOH was in charge of the guest list. she knew they weren't coming, i just wonder why they wouldn't have told me directly.

Simply Fated

Did all the guests tell you directly they weren't coming? Its not that your expectations were too high, it's that they're unreasonable and you're an "emotional wreck" over something that is ridiculous to be emotional over.

mbcdefg

Well, you can't really "expect" people to attend pre-wedding parties for you. Because the parties aren't mandatory, and when you ask people to be your bridesmaids you are asking them to participate in your wedding. The shower and bachelorette are not the wedding. The wedding is the wedding. You can hope that they'll come, sure, but it's not a requirement. If they come to the wedding in the proper dresses then they've fulfilled their bridesmaid obligations to you.

That being said - I totally get what you mean about going out of your way for certain people and then feeling like it's not reciprocated. That's just the way life is, unfortunately. You need to accept the fact that people will not change just because you're getting married or because you asked them to be your bridesmaids. People will continue to go above and beyond for you, or they will continue to do the things that only suit them the best. If you want to be friends with someone then you need to accept whatever their personality is. Especially if this kind of thing didn't bug you before your engagement. I've had friends like this over the years ... yeah, it totally stings when you have that moment of realization that they just aren't the type to go above and beyond for you, but you need to shake it off. Remember it for the future, sure, but it's not always worth ending a friendship over.

As for them not telling you that they wouldn't be attending ... they told the MOH, so it's not like they bailed without saying a word. They may have decided not to say anything to you in case they thought the bachelorette was a surprise for you. They may have thought the MOH would fill you in and didn't think it was necessary to tell two people that they weren't coming. Maybe they didn't want to have to tell you and disappoint you, or maybe they thought you'd be angry at them.

Summer2011Bride

Who was hosting your bachelorette party? My MOH hosted mine, so she got all the verbal RSVPs from the invited guests. I didn't know for sure who was coming until the day of. I honestly don't think it's a big deal she didn't tell you who couldn't come ahead of time or their reasons for not coming. I really think you're overreacting here. You're considering kicking them out because they couldn't make a party? Seriously?

ETA: The only expectation you should have of your BMs is the last one--coming to the ceremony. The showers and b-party are COMPLETELY optional. Lower your expectations.

GoodLuckBear14

Are you effing kidding???  You are ready to kick alleged friends out of your WP and end the friendships because they didn't live up to your perfect pre-wedding fantasies?

I have a new slogan for The Knot Message Boards : The Knot.  Fighting the Good Fight Against the Wedding Industry for the Sake of Friendships

libby2483

It is always frustrating when people you care about can't attend events that are important to you, so I definitely understand feeling down about it. However, I think it us perfectly fine that they responded to your MOH, as I'm guessing she was the hostess. One if my BMs couldn't attend my shower this week, and she responded directly to my sister, the hostess, and didn't say anything to me. I honestly didn't think anything of it.

libby2483

It is always frustrating when people you care about can't attend events that are important to you, so I definitely understand feeling down about it. However, I think it us perfectly fine that they responded to your MOH, as I'm guessing she was the hostess. One if my BMs couldn't attend my shower this week, and she responded directly to my sister, the hostess, and didn't say anything to me. I honestly didn't think anything of it.

aerinpegadrak

Hey, at least you got those parties at all.  Many people don't get showers or bachelorette parties, because they're not required to get married.  Sulking because a few people aren't willing/able to go to THREE separate parties in your honor is a little childish, and ungrateful to the people who did show up.

MeagMcNamara

I only had one BM at my shower and probably will only have two at my stagette (one is under 19, so no drinking and the other is out of town and isn't flying in until the day of the rehersal dinner).  It's okay.  I know they will be standing for me on the one day that counts.

If your expectations were for them to go to all three events then this should have been communicated when you first asked them.  My requirements where the dress and I wanted everyone to have their hair styled.  (I am paying the stylist to do whatever they want but I know that two BMs are wash it and leave it type of gals. I love em, though).