How to be diplomatic

Mel21010

Hey ladies i just have a small concern with one of my BM and would like any advice anyone can give.  One of my BM just assumed that she was going to be in th wedding it is now only a little over 4 months till the wedding, she has quit her job, has not money to pay for a dress or anything and the dresses need to be ordered this week to be here in time.  I have only known her just over a year for the simple fact that she was dating my best-friend and moved here to be with him.  I do believe that my future husband and mom is right when they say that it should be someone that i have known much longer and under different circumstances, but how do you discuss this subject with someone who will not listen.  Help pls.

xoxob

....what?

This is what I gathered: You never asked her to be a BM but she assumes she is one. You need to order dresses. Your fiance and FMIL say that she shouldn't be a BM. You agree, but if she had a job and could pay for the dress you wouldn't mind?

If you have already told her she is in the WP then you can't tell she is out. If you haven't told her, then there is no need for discussion. Have you asked other girls?

stina93446

Did you or didnt you ask her to be a bm?

CaraDonna

I'm not really understanding what you're asking?  Are you saying you never asked this girl to be a BM and she just assumed she was and now can't afford the dress?  Did you just go along with her assumption?  If so, it is a little late to tell her she is misinformed.  Or are you concerned with what your FH and mother are saying?  If you are close to this girl and want her in the wedding, than who cares how long you've known her. 

banana468

Did you ever confirm to her that she IS a BM?

If you did, she is one.

MyNameIsNot

If she assumes or asks if she can be a BM, and you let her go along with it, you've asked her and you can't kick her out.

Give her the info for the dress, and let her know the deadline to order it.  If she gets it, she's a BM.  If she doesn't, she's out.  

Done and done.  

trix1223

I too am confused.  IF you didn't ask her to be a BM and assumed it, she's not a BM. 

IF you did ask her, you asked, and can't replace her.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_diplomatic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:37eb08e3-3ef4-4a89-a567-def2ffb28826Post:04ea2baa-43d1-492e-b0dc-2e6c049ea204">Re: How to be diplomatic</a>:
[QUOTE]If she assumes or asks if she can be a BM, and you let her go along with it, you've asked her and you can't kick her out. Give her the info for the dress, and let her know the deadline to order it.  If she gets it, she's a BM.  If she doesn't, she's out.   Done and done.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This.

suz62984

Is this MUD???

saxy414

It's easy enough-if she has the dress on the day of your wedding, she's in.  If not, she's pretty well removed herself from the WP. 

But PP's are right...if you've never asked her, and she's asking YOU about dresses, it's ok to tell her the WP has already been chosen and you would love to celebrate with her as a guest.  But, if you've talked to her about being a BM, she's a BM.  Even if you never officially asked, but allowed her to go on believing she's a bridesmaid and have gone as far as to talk about dresses with her, she's still in.  Yes, your mom and FI are right, but there's nothing to you do to go back.  Handle the situation in the present.

Mel21010

thank you very much for everyones input and i never asked her but i never told her no because we had not planned the wedding party until 2 weeks ago and she had not brought up the subject until last night when she asked about dresses.  I guess it falls on me and i would never kick anyone out for the simple fact that i am not a person that can hurt anyones feelings.  I appreciate all the imput and i will now do what i think is correct, thanks and bunch and it has helped me alot!!