To fire her or not to fire her.....

theresa21

Alright, I have this sticky situation with my BM that I keep going back and forth on.  Here is the short and skinny.  I apologize in advance that it's not that short.

This girl (let's call her Ann) is a friend that I asked to be in my bridal party back in May (the wedding is June 2010).  I have to admit that I made a mistake when I asked her.  Ann and I lived together at the time with another friend, Beth, whom I also asked to be a BM.  Beth and I are very close, but Ann and I had a strained friendship even then.  However, I felt obligated to ask Ann as well because she is the jealous type and it would have been drama city if I didn't.  We all moved out in June, and since then, I have barely talked to Ann.  I find myself avoiding her and dreading events that include her even more than before.  On the surface, she acts as a friend, but I view her as a toxic friend.  She is extremely negative, rude, and self-centered.  I don't have the time or space to elaborate, but she is simply not a good friend.  Also, she has made some life decisions recently that I don't need to get into, but suffice it to say, I've also lost a lot of respect for her as a person lately, but it's not as if she has hurt my feelings with these decisions.

The thing is, she is one of four BMs.  My other three are very special to me, and I like to think that her presence as somewhat of a frenemy won't ruin my day, but people keep telling me to cut her out so I don't have to deal with the her stress on the day of.  She and I are both graduating in a few months, and we will have a class together before then, so I would definitely have to see her and deal with some awkwardness if I fired her.  Not to mention all our mutual friends (we have a lot between our nursing class and the fact that we used to work on the same unit, which she is still on) would probably be all a-buzz talking about it.  Also, it's not as if she did something to me.  Mean as it sounds, I just don't like her.  She didn't lie to me about the wedding or refuse to help, or something like that.  She did put up a huge fuss about the cost of her BM dress (119, not that bad, right?) and all the other costs related to the wedding, but I already confronted her about that and she hasn't mentioned money since.  So I'm afraid that firing her right now would seem out of the blue and pretty mean of me. 

I just don't know if I should just deal with it and cut ties after the wedding, when I'll never have to see her again.

I always believe that when you're trying to make a decision, even if it's whether or not to buy a shirt, you already know in your heart what you're going to do, it just takes some time to own it.  But right now I seriously have NO CLUE.  Help please

SarahPLiz

Being a BM is not a job, so you can't fire her. Being a BM is an honor, so to ask her to step down would dishonor her. YOu really can't do that without ending the firendship. If that's ok with you, then go for it, but it can cause a lot of hurt and pain for no good reason.

YOu realize you made a mistake, but its a really hard one to fix. If she isn't terrible to you, but you just don't like her presence, just kind of ignore her. It is not her fault that you don't like her, so don't punish her and be mean to her when you are the one that made the mistake.  Include her when necessary, but don't let her negativity get you down.

And maybe you should have discussed the dress and other costs with her BEFORE you picked the dress, so you would know what her budget is. Its her budget, not yours, so you really can't make the judgement of how much it is. I don't know what you are including as "other wedding costs", but if you are REQUIRING her to have hair or makeup professionally done, then you get to pay for it, not her. She is not obligated to contribute to any pre-wedding parties or anything else, for that matter.

The bottom line is that you asked the wrong person, too early, for the wrong reasons. Now you have to deal with that while still being a good person. Remember that your wedding does not give you permission to treat your friends as anything less than a friend, or your fellow human as anything less than a human being.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]We all moved out in June, and since then, I have barely talked to Ann.  I find myself avoiding her and dreading events that include her even more than before.  On the surface, she acts as a friend, but I view her as a toxic friend.  She is extremely negative, rude, and self-centered.  I don't have the time or space to elaborate, but she is simply not a good friend.  Also, she has made some life decisions recently that I don't need to get into, but suffice it to say, I've also lost a lot of respect for her as a person lately, but it's not as if she has hurt my feelings with these decisions.[/QUOTE]
Unless she has done something to you or your FI that was so blatantly wrong that it clearly ended the frienship, these are not valid reasons to kick her out IMO.  And even then, you would be able to end the friendship, let it sit for awhile, and then it would be understood that she is no longer in the WP or you could ask later if she still plans to be in it.  But you knew she was like this when you asked her, and as you said the life decisions do not impact you.

[QUOTE]My other three are very special to me, and I like to think that her presence as somewhat of a frenemy won't ruin my day, but people keep telling me to cut her out so I don't have to deal with the her stress on the day of.[/QUOTE]
I doubt it will ruin your day - you'll be excited about the marriage and hopefully be able to brush off anything that goes wrong.

[QUOTE]I just don't know if I should just deal with it and cut ties after the wedding, when I'll never have to see her again.
Posted by theresa21[/QUOTE]
My vote is this.

theresa21

Sarah,
Thank you for the tough love.  You make a lot of sense and I agree with you.  I think that I can continue to include her without letting our growing apart affect the wedding day.

I do want to give myself a little credit- I have not treated her as anything less than a friend or human being.  I acted as a friend during her tough time (related to afore-mentioned poor decisions), it's just that we don't talk much anymore.  When I confronted her about her griping about money, I told her not to buy me any shower or wedding gifts and not to worry about a big bach party or shower, and that I would help her with the cost of her dress as well.  And I sort of do know her budget, because the discussion precipitating the money conversation was about how she had just gotten several scholarships and had a lot of extra money.

I know there is no way for you to have known that before you wrote your post, but like I said, I just wanted to give myself a little credit   I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.  Thank you thank you

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-her-not-fire-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:38eab3b7-9e19-484d-8a11-08aa240934faPost:643bcf2d-90f2-4060-aeb2-742c79b39ad8">To fire her or not to fire her.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, I have this sticky situation with my BM that I keep going back and forth on.  Here is the short and skinny.  I apologize in advance that it's not that short. This girl (let's call her Ann) is a friend that I asked to be in my bridal party back in May (the wedding is June 2010).  I have to admit that I made a mistake when I asked her.  Ann and I lived together at the time with another friend, Beth, whom I also asked to be a BM.  Beth and I are very close, but Ann and I had a strained friendship even then.  However, I felt obligated to ask Ann as well because she is the jealous type and it would have been drama city if I didn't.  We all moved out in June, and since then, I have barely talked to Ann.  I find myself avoiding her and dreading events that include her even more than before.  On the surface, she acts as a friend, but I view her as a toxic friend.  She is extremely negative, rude, and self-centered.  I don't have the time or space to elaborate, but she is simply not a good friend.  Also, she has made some life decisions recently that I don't need to get into, but suffice it to say, I've also lost a lot of respect for her as a person lately, but it's not as if she has hurt my feelings with these decisions. The thing is, she is one of four BMs.  My other three are very special to me, and I like to think that her presence as somewhat of a frenemy won't ruin my day, but people keep telling me to cut her out so I don't have to deal with the her stress on the day of.  She and I are both graduating in a few months, and we will have a class together before then, so I would definitely have to see her and deal with some awkwardness if I fired her.  Not to mention all our mutual friends (we have a lot between our nursing class and the fact that we used to work on the same unit, which she is still on) would probably be all a-buzz talking about it.  Also, it's not as if she did something to me.  Mean as it sounds, I just don't like her.  She didn't lie to me about the wedding or refuse to help, or something like that.  She did put up a huge fuss about the cost of her BM dress (119, not that bad, right?) and all the other costs related to the wedding, but I already confronted her about that and she hasn't mentioned money since.  So I'm afraid that firing her right now would seem out of the blue and pretty mean of me.  I just don't know if I should just deal with it and cut ties after the wedding, when I'll never have to see her again. I always believe that when you're trying to make a decision, even if it's whether or not to buy a shirt, you already know in your heart what you're going to do, it just takes some time to own it.  But right now I seriously have NO CLUE.  Help please :(
Posted by theresa21[/QUOTE]

mbcdefg

I think it would be easiest to just deal with her for now, then slowly phase her out of your life after your wedding. Like you said, there would be drama and tension if you boot her now and then have to see her in class and such. Plus, you risk coming across as a bridezilla/biitch to those looking in from the outside of the situation (because she's done nothing wrong - being a pill of a person is annoying, but it's nothing that warrants throwing her out of your wedding).

Maybe she feels the same way and it'll be a mutual end to the friendship. Plus, if she's complaining now, maybe she won't purchase the dress and will take herself out of the wedding and it won't be your fault at all.

Ditto Sarah that, if you didn't discuss finances with her beforehand ... and/or if you're requiring her to pay for stuff outside of her dress and the alterations ... then that part is YOUR fault and you owe her an apology. She has a right to complain about costs if she had no say in them. And/or if you are telling her that she has to get pro hair/makeup done or get certain shoes, that's your financial obligation and not hers. You or the other BMs also cannot tell her that she is required to chip in for a shower or bachelorette party (it's ESPECIALLY rude if the bride does it).

theresa21

Thank you gottahav.  FI and Beth are so fed up with her in general (again, she didn't do anything to them) that they just want her out so they don't have to be around her.  It is good to have outside perspective to help to see that that is just not an option.

gottahavashorti

Remind them that they don't have to be around her between now in the wedding if they don't want to be.  There will be so many other people at the wedding they won't really have to interact with her then either, unless it's a tiny wedding. 

megk8oz

Booting a member of the BP has conseqences. Friendships are never completely restored (If they're even slightly patched up), and you don't seem to care about that part, but you never know, this might be something you regret later on, especially since you're going to be seeing her at school in the future.

Plus, while you may regret asking her, that comes with the territory of asking somebody too soon and for the wrong reasons (This happens a lot with girls that were BMs for other friends or they had mutual friends and didn't want feeling to get hurt ... the list goes on). I'm guessing had you asked people just a few months ago, you wouldn't have asked this girl because you were no longer living together. Unfortunately, you asked when you did, and you can't take it back.

Also, lots of girls come here convinced that an attention-seeking BM will somehow manage to "ruin her day". The truth is, the only way somebody has the ability to do this, is if you let them. When your wedding day arrives, people are going to be looking at you, paying attention to you, complimenting you. If a BM starts swinging from the chandelier in the middle of the reception, first off, somehow 1/2 the guests will completely miss it. I'm not even sure how the physics works on this, but somehow, unless the bride or groom creates the scene, 1/2 the guests don't even know a "scene" occured until days after the wedding. And the 1/2 that does see it, pretty much immediately forgets it (Until a few days later when they're talking to the people that missed it) and goes to stare at the cake or something. Unless the bride runs off to a corner to cry about it, it really does go unnoticed. So as long as you handle yourself with grace and composure that day, you're fine.

Since you've already admitted you will most likely have to be around her in the future no matter what course of action you take, I'd honestly would bite the bullet and keep her for the sake of having at least a civil relationship in the future.

SarahPLiz

I'm glad I could be of help to you Theresa. I. Like you, just need to write it out sometimes to get some perspective. And I wasn't saying that you were treating her bad right now, I was just trying to address all the possible situations of how things might be. We get this question a lot, all with different situations of course.

MyNameIsNot

She's not an employee, you can't fire her. 

Asking her to step down would end the friendship, but it seems you're ok with that.

The other issue is that kicking someone out of your wedding makes you look like the bad guy, especially if she hasn't done anything wrong.  It's fine if you don't want to be friends with her anymore, but kicking her out would make you look like a huge bridezilla, and is going to make your other friends wonder how you would treat them if you started to drift apart.  If she's not doing anything wrong, you really shouldn't boot her. 

Her finances are none of your business.  You may know that she's getting scholarships, but you don't and shouldn't know what other obligations she may have.  It's just none of your business.  While I agree that $120 is reasonable for a BM dress, the bride is supposed to go to all members of the WP to ask for a budget before looking for dresses.  I'm not sure what you mean by other expenses, b/c a BM's only mandatory expense is the dress.  If you require pro styling or specific accessories, you pay for them.  Showers, b-parties, gifts etc are all optional.  In any event, it seems that that point is moot.

jeannigirl

It really doesn't matter who likes her or not. It is good to see when brides can see that this is not a good move to make just because you have grown apart and that she is a toxic individual. It is true that she is not your employee so you can't fire her.

So this is why we tell people that come on here asking if they should ask people to early in the game and we all say no, not a great idea and to wait awhile. Plan and put everything else into place and about 6 months out to ask those people

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-her-not-fire-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:38eab3b7-9e19-484d-8a11-08aa240934faPost:ea7b6d52-903b-4e77-ab68-6d02066c2dcc">Re: To fire her or not to fire her.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Her finances are none of your business.  You may know that she's getting scholarships, but you don't and shouldn't know what other obligations she may have.  It's just none of your business.  While I agree that $120 is reasonable for a BM dress, the bride is supposed to go to all members of the WP to ask for a budget before looking for dresses.  I'm not sure what you mean by other expenses, b/c a BM's only mandatory expense is the dress.  If you require pro styling or specific accessories, you pay for them.  Showers, b-parties, gifts etc are all optional.  In any event, it seems that that point is moot.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This on the money issue, but it seems like that's sorted now.

Also, you said that it's not like she's refused to help. Even if she does, that's her choice. Being a BM means getting the dress, showing up on the day, walking down the aisle and smiling in pictures. She doesn't have to help you at all with any other organizational stuff for the wedding. It may be traditional for BMs to offer help (they're your friends after all, friends help friends), but it's not part of their "job."

Just wanted to add that to help you avoid future drama. But it sounds like you've wisely listened to some good advice, so just tell your FI and other friend that you've chosen to be the bigger person.

stina93446

Cliff notes? I'm too lazy...

aerinpegadrak

Honestly, I just skimmed.  Gist seems to be that the friendship has gone sour, but the BM hasn't really done anything outright boot-worthy.  I think OP decided that it's less drama to keep her in the wedding

SarahPLiz

stina- BM was asked out of obligation and hasn't done anything bad to bride, but she is annoying and generaly a negative presence. Bride realizes it is wrong to dishonor BM just because the bride chose incorrectly. Bride decided to stick it out and jsut avoid her in the meantime as to not get sucked into the negativity. Yay for common sense.

gottahavashorti

Cliff Notes: OP asked roommate A to be BM, also asked roommate B to avoid drama.  They no longer live together, friendship with B has drifted for various reasons.  People advise OP to kick her out.  OP was also considering ending the friendship after the wedding instead and I think that's what she decided to do.

SarahPLiz

Yes, but she decided to ignore her until the wedding. She was going to end the friendship after the wedding by letting it continue to drift, if I read her response correctly. Either way, no one is getting kicked out.

stina93446

Well, thank you all who clued me in...and bravo OP for going to correct etiquette route.

theresa21

To all, thank you for the fabulous advice and really, fantastic job on the cliff notes

I said in my first post that I always think that when you're making a decision, deep down, you know what you're going to do.  I didn't think I had a clue, but now that I've owned my decision, I feel like it was what I knew I was going to do all along.  Of course.  Who knows  

Unless she does something like burn an orphanage down (lol aerin), I won't be asking her to step down (I correct my terminology from "firing her").  I think that eventually, our friendship will disappear as we stop being obligated to see each other, and I'll be ok with that.  Until then, I'll keep her presence in the BP as positive as possible.

gottahavashorti

It's so nice to see someone who seems reasonable after all the crazies that have been around for the past few days.  I'm glad you've figured this out and aren't kicking her out.

aerinpegadrak

Good for you!  Stick around, the ladies here all have fantastic advice, and we all love people who listen to common sense.

megk8oz

Yay! Common sense FTW!

honeybee724

"And I sort of do know her budget, because the discussion precipitating the money conversation was about how she had just gotten several scholarships and had a lot of extra money."


When I earned my scholarships I didn't say "Oh yippee!  Now I have more money to spend!".  It was more "Oh yay, I saved some money on tuition/books/etc"

gottahavashorti

Yeah, when I earned extra, most of the refund usually went to my parents and I kept a small portion for books or something else school related.  Like a laptop when I was in desparate need of a new, functioning one.