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Bridesmaid dilemma...

Hi everyone.  Hopefully someone can help me figure out what to do. One of my best friends passed away a couple of weeks ago and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I definitely want to do something at the wedding and reception to remember her by...but I don't know if I should ask my brother's girlfriend to be in the wedding now. We've grown pretty close over the years and I would've asked her to begin with if my fiance had one more groomsman. I am by no means trying to replace my friend...I just don't know if anyone else has been in this situation. If I did ask her, she'd only have a few days to go and order her dress. Thanks.

Re: Bridesmaid dilemma...

  • Sorry about your friend :(

    No, don't ask the girlfriend just to fill a spot. It was wrong to exclude her just to have even sides, and it would be an insult to both her and your deceased friend to ask her now only to keep the sides even.
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  • I am so sorry about your friend. :-(

    Unfortunately, I am going to have to ditto the pp and say that the woman in question is likely going to know that you are only asking her to fill your deceased friend's spot. If it was me, I would be horribly offended. As well, any other people that know the situation might be a little put off by the thought that may be trying to replace her.

    At my high school graduation, they had chairs with names on them of a couple of boys who died in car crashes during our senior year. If it was me, I would still put your friend's name in the program as a bridesmaid and maybe write something next to it like "always in my (our?) heart(s)."

    Then just keep the spot open and maybe do a memorial candle at the reception, unless you want to do something more blatant.

    GL with this tough situation and again, I am so sorry.
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  • Sorry about your friend... I agree that you shouldn't fill her spot.

    about recognizing her.....
    A friend of mine got married in june. She had a very close friend that passed away when they were young and she wanted her to in some way be a part of the wedding. She had a picture of the friend framed and sat it on a stand next to the other bridesmaids. Nothing was said about it during the ceremony. No one even new what it was unless they asked or unless they were really close to Summer, but to Summer she was there.
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    It's lovely that you want to include her, but please be sure to check with her friends/family about what they're comfortable with.

    My DD was married exactly 3 weeks after my mom died.  If I had walked into her wedding and been "surprised" with an unexpected tribute to my mom, I'm afraid that it would have diminished my enjoyment of the ceremony/reception.

    I personally am not a fan of the empty chair/photo thing.  It's just too "in your face" for my taste.  A lovely note in the program or as part of a prayer during your ceremony is more my style, but only you and your FI know what your comfort level is.

    At DD's wedding our pastor added in some lovely comments about my mom in the grace before dinner.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I agree with Trix that as a guest I might find an empty chair or framed photo at the front of the ceremony distracting.  Mentioning her in the program and a prayer at the ceremony would be more appropriate, I feel.  Also, if you give a toast during the the RD or reception, you might want to toast to "friends who are no longer with us" or her by name.


    I'm sorry for your loss. Best of luck with your wedding.

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  I think mentioning your friend in the program is a great gesture. 
  • My condolsecenses to the loss of your friend. I think that it is nice to mention her in your program. I think that I would personally not do anymore than that has it is a day of celebration of the union of you two. Anything more makes it a memorial and it can be disturbing to your guests.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm so sorry to hear that! 

    As the others have said, replacing her wouldn't be a good idea.  It would be an insult to the other girl and diminish the roll of your gone friend.

    My brother passed away before our wedding.  To honor him, we had a note in the program.  Also, we bought a memory candle with his name and birthdate on it and put it near the unity candle.  My mother lit it before the ceremony (when she lit her side of the unity candle).  It was the perfect level of rememberance for us. 
  • As everyone has said, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to have to go through. My dad passed away almost 3 years ago, and I didn't want to be too blatant about memorializing him. What I did was I had a bouquet charm made with his photo in it. Something you can carry around for most of the day without being obvious to everyone. HTH.
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  • I've heard of a bride who lost a good friend right before the wedding.  The friend's favorite color was red, so she had a single red rose in her bouquet amidst the other flowers.

    I agree that, other than perhaps a program mention, you should keep any remembrances private.  You can absolutely honor her without reminding others of their own grief.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited January 2010
    I  am so sorry for your loss, I couldn't imagine.

    but, if I were the deceased person, I'd be insulted in the afterlife if you filled my spot. really.

    in the program, when listing the BMs, write "Jane Doe, friend of the bride, in memoriam". I'd probably also leave a space open for her (if she's in the middle of the line of BMs) when standing at the altar.
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