MOH feeling left out

ftrmrsw

I know your wedding party are not your slaves and they don't have to really do anything till the day of at which point they show up in their dress and smile.

Well I"m having the opposite problem with my MOH. I think she's offended that I haven't used her more. 

I'm a pretty independant person, if I decide I want to go walk around the craft store so see if anything jumps out at me, or get inspiration from, I just go. I don't wait for someone to come with me, I just go when I want to go. When we addressed our save the dates, I just did a few every night here and there until they were done. I enjoyed doing them, it wasn't a chore. It was relaxing. Well were now 8 months out, I've pretty much done everything myself and my maid of honour just goes. "I haven't gotten to help you because you've done everything yourself."  She even seemed disappointed that she couldn't come to my alterations appointment because it was during the day. (Honestly, i was in and out in 15 mins, it would have been pointless for her to come.)

I really don't know how to make her feel more involved. She's planning my bachelorette party and my shower. She came to all my dress appointments. She was at all the BM dress appointments.

Everything else I've either done on my own or done with my FI. 

When it comes closer, I'm sure there will be more things to do. Like put together the favor boxes and make the wedding cupcakes, she'll be able to help out with that, but other than that I have no idea.

Perhaps I'm the opposite of the bride that expects too much from their wedding party and expect nothing and now she's feeling left out. I dont know what to do!

GoodLuckBear14

Tell her what you will need help with in the future and leave it at that.

DH and I planned out wedding without any outside help.  I also found it to be fun to just look and roll ideas around my head without having a Chatty Cathy inserting her opinion on everything.

Peledreamsofrain

I understand exactly what you are going through, because I am the same way.  I love doing things on my own so that I have time to get my own thoughts straight, and to relax and not have to defend my choices.

My FSIL was a BM, and I could tell that she felt left out too.  So I started to make an effort to not mention solo trips to her, and to invite her when it was convenient for both of us.  For example, my very first appointment to try on dresses was a secret.  I went by myself and tried on a million styles because I knew once I had people with me, they'd be forcing their own opinions on me, and picking dresses out that they liked (which is just human nature and understandable).

So my second appointment was my 'first', and mysteriously the dresses that I had supposedly reserved online turned out to be the best fitting and most gorgeous.  Nobody's feelings were hurt that I left them out, and I still got to do my own thing.  And we all still got to bond and do the whole 'dress appointment' thing.

Make an effort to include her, and don't mention your independant trips.  It will work out in both of your favors that way.

AddieCake

One of my bridesmaids was overly enthusiastic about helping, too. Just do the best you can with including her in the things that you would want help with or company at. Other than that, just be honest and tell her that you pretty much have it covered but you'd love some time just to hang out as friends. 

ftrmrsw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3b00a4ba-386f-4467-a471-2ecada6e23f6Post:938c8841-d9bf-415a-a6d7-c3efb6bcbb84">Re: MOH feeling left out</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand exactly what you are going through, because I am the same way.  I love doing things on my own so that I have time to get my own thoughts straight, and to relax and not have to defend my choices. My FSIL was a BM, and I could tell that she felt left out too.  So I started to make an effort to not mention solo trips to her, and to invite her when it was convenient for both of us.  For example, my very first appointment to try on dresses was a secret.  I went by myself and tried on a million styles because I knew once I had people with me, they'd be forcing their own opinions on me, and picking dresses out that they liked (which is just human nature and understandable). So my second appointment was my 'first', and mysteriously the dresses that I had supposedly reserved online turned out to be the best fitting and most gorgeous.  Nobody's feelings were hurt that I left them out, and I still got to do my own thing.  And we all still got to bond and do the whole 'dress appointment' thing. Make an effort to include her, and don't mention your independant trips.  It will work out in both of your favors that way.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>This is intersting... Its my FSIL as well. We're very close. I'm closer to her than my own sister. We do alot together.</div><div>
</div><div>That being said, I think she's just so excited to A- Be in her first wedding party B-being maid of honour and C- First wedding of the Family (I'm marrying her older brother). She's just so excited. </div><div>
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Kate61487

I had the same issue, but actually with one of our GM.  He helped design the wedding invitations and I was so grateful for that, but then he kept asking when we were going to do an invitation assembly day or whatever and I really enjoyed doing a few a night with H while we watched TV.

I would say if there IS something that you could use help with (can't find any centerpieces you like? or program formatting? or something like that?) to go ahead and let her know.  But you're not being a bad bride by not giving her chores.   

daveANDkristen

I understand completely ftr.  I had three girls in my WP - my MOH was great to bounce ideas off of and was helpful in the final days before the wedding but didn't make a big deal about wanting to be involved in anything (appointments, crafts, etc.).  One of my BMs didn't really say much about the wedding, other than helping to plan my shower and bachelorette. 

My other BM, however, it seemed like every time I talked to her she would work in how she wanted to do something wedding-related.  H and I were engaged for a year and a half, so I had ample time to work on my DIY projects and things like that.  We were also very laid back about the other arrangements and didn't spend a whole lot of time choosing a venue, caterer, DJ, etc.  This is the same BM who when she got married was a major bridezilla ("IT'S MY DAY!"). 

I think some people just have a little more "squeee!" in them.  I think it would be a great idea to set aside a few projects to work on together, since she clearly wants to help.  But anything that you'd really rather work on alone, try not to feel too bad about. 

beardownbchs

Bridezillas are going to see this thread and tear their WP apart.

Anyway, you're doing the right thing - include her if/when you can and are comfortable with it. If it were me, I'd even tell her what you told us - "I kind of enjoy wandering around Joanne Fabrics by myself at some random time just beause I decided to go 5 minutes before I left".

tlc35

Pele, your dress hunting story cracked me up.

ridedatbike

I don't think you should feel bad. Im sure since she knows so well she will in time atleast understand. You're not exactly doing anything wrong either. Now had all the other bms been invited and not her I could see where she would legitimately have a reason to be upset. That happened to me. I was pretty upset to be the only bm Moh none the less who was so out of the loop I didn't even know the time of te wedding till the week of...

harper0813

Maybe invite her over for wine, a movie, and licking envelopes when you do the invitations? I'm having the same issue, except with my FMIL. And I'm just finding little projects for her to keep her happy. I think that, rather than giving her "chores", you can invite her over and do something together. I also send my FMIL an email every time I reserve or buy something, or ask her opinion on guest books and whatnot. I love getting her input, especially since my own mom doesn't want to hear about the wedding at all. And then I can help her feel included. She just LOVES weddings and had thrown the shower of all of her married nieces and nieces-in-law.

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3b00a4ba-386f-4467-a471-2ecada6e23f6Post:1a4aa296-b5d1-429c-8fc5-6d0627e4316e">Re:MOH feeling left out</a>:
[QUOTE]Pele, your dress hunting story cracked me up.
Posted by tlc35[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>lol thanks.  It cracked up the store rep too when I asked her to re-schedule an appointment and pretend she never met me the next time I saw her.  Nobody, not even my own mother knows that I did a super secret spy mission for my dress. </div>