I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day

Brrrr1126

So, I'm having some major issues with two guests / bridal party members.  My MOH is in a relationship but not engaged, and so is very jealous of me and my wedding.  She planned a simple bachelorette party (manicure, pedicure, dinner, movie kind of thing) but we had to cancel it because one of our friends went into labor that day, and we had all agreed on a backupdate if that happened.  But I get an angry email from her that I chose our pregnant friend over her, and by canceling I threw her in a mud puddle and stepped on her.  O.o

When the rest of the attendants convinced her to have a back-up date, she's making all the plans / times conform to what she wants, even when I clearly said I preferred something else.

Then my MOH asks me if her mom can come watch the wedding.  I'm getting married on a beach, with the guest list a very small 23 total, close family only.  Her mom is not close to me at all, and I have other family that I wish I could have invited but couldn't, yet she thinks it's ok for her mom to just show up and watch her (not even to be there for me)?  />.<

Also, my flower girl is 7.    Her mom is my groom's sister. She had the nerve to ask me if I would move my entire wedding indoors off the beach, where we wanted it, if her daughter is too cold but all the adults are fine.

Am I being selfish by telling these people no?  That the flower girl can wear a sweater or sit it out if she's cold but we're not?  Are these crazy requests, or are they valid?  Do I have a right to be upset?

I feel like they're trying to make my wedding day about themselves as much as they can, and I don't really know how to handle it.

mbcdefg

I agree with you that these people sound pushy and like they're always complaining.

That being said ... it's very dangerous to assume that they're just jealous of you or trying to steal your thunder. Yes, some people are selfish. But it doesn't mean that it's something that's intentionally done to hurt you or that they want to be you. It's very unlikely that MOH wants to be you or is jealous that you're getting a wedding and she's not, or that your FSIL is trying to get attention for herself by suggesting that her daughter might get cold while standing out on a beach.

And honestly, the "They're just jealous" or "They're trying to steal my spotlight" statements risk making you (or anyone) look pretentious and self-absorbed. Do youself a favor and don't repeat that to anyone.

You're taking all of this WAY too personally, and it sounds like you're obsessing over these requests. I am sure you're not the first or last person they've ever been pushy with. Just say, "No thanks" or "No, we're actually doing XYZ" and then drop it.  

Here's what to do about everyone. And remember to talk about this in person or over the phone, not through texts, e-mails or Facebook. Using your voice is the mature thing to do and the best way to avoid further hurt feelings/misunderstandings. Written words can easily be misinterpreted, or forwarded to someone else (maybe even altered before they're forwarded). Tone of voice is EVERYTHING here:

She planned a simple bachelorette party (manicure, pedicure, dinner, movie kind of thing) but we had to cancel it because one of our friends went into labor that day, and we had all agreed on a backupdate if that happened. But I get an angry email from her that I chose our pregnant friend over her, and by canceling I threw her in a mud puddle and stepped on her. O.o

Call her and say, "We agreed to postpone the party if X went into labor that day. I appreciate you planning the bachelorette for me, but I thought we had all agreed on the backup plan."

However, the MOH WAS included in this plan, correct? If not, then I don't blame her for being upset. Your post below kind of sounds like everyone except her agreed to postpone if the pregnant girl couldn't make it. I appreciate you wanting your friend to be there, but you can't cancel a party every time someone has to decline at the last second. This won't be the very last time you spend time with your friends, you know.

When the rest of the attendants convinced her to have a back-up date, she's making all the plans / times conform to what she wants, even when I clearly said I preferred something else.

If the date doesn't work for you then say, "MOH, I really appreciate you planning the backup party, but I am unfortunately unable to attend on the date you're planning. Here are a few more dates that work better for me: xyz."

If the plans aren't what you wanted ... well, unless it's something that's super-offensive or you just cannot bring yourself to do (and I'm talking, like, bar-hopping if you are in AA or something ... not a case where she's planning a comedy club outing and you'd rather go dancing) ... just suck it up and attend, appreciate what she's done for you, and be sure to thank her.

The bachelorette is thrown as a gift for you - not as your obligation or birthright to receive it - so there's a very fine line between you giving input vs. you doing the planning (which is not acceptable). Unless the plans REALLY don't work for you, just keep your mouth shut and enjoy yourself.

Then my MOH asks me if her mom can come watch the wedding. I'm getting married on a beach, with the guest list a very small 23 total, close family only. Her mom is not close to me at all, and I have other family that I wish I could have invited but couldn't, yet she thinks it's ok for her mom to just show up and watch her (not even to be there for me)?  

"Sorry MOH, but space is very limited. We simply cannot invite anyone beyond our immediate families and closest friends." End of discussion.


Also, my flower girl is 7. Her mom is my groom's sister. She had the nerve to ask me if I would move my entire wedding indoors off the beach, where we wanted it, if her daughter is too cold but all the adults are fine.

Well, keep in mind that your guests need to be comfortable at the wedding. I would imagine that you're planning your beach wedding for a time when it won't be cold, but if it IS cold then it's really not fair to ask your guests to deal with it just so you can have a certain type of wedding.

Anyway ... "I've checked the weather forecast for our wedding day and it should be fine. Niece is welcome to wear a sweater or coat if she's too cold out on the beach. If you feel that she shouldn't be the flower girl at al, then we'll miss her but of course we understand that her comfort comes first." (Ideally, though, if this is your fiance's sister then HE should be the person dealing with her, not you.)

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:0205f5c1-b1a5-40c1-a7dc-b3e65590be1a">I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE] My MOH is in a relationship but not engaged, and so is very jealous of me and my wedding.  Posted by Brrrr1126[/QUOTE]

Oh FFS.

mbcdefg

And one more thought ...

The whole "It's MY day" thing ... number one, like someone else said, it ceases to be YOUR DAY when you choose to involve other people as guests or attendants. If you want a day all to yourself and your fiance, then elope and don't invite anyone. Otherwise, accept the fact that you will get input and questions from the people you're voluntarily choosing to involve in your wedding day.

And number two, the key word here is DAY. ONE DAY. The engagement and preparation period leading up to your wedding is not your wedding day. The bachelorette party is not your wedding day. Your wedding day is your one day.

pkontk

1. Ditto covejack about it ceasing to be YOUR day when you involve others.  I'm going to warn you now that people on these boards do not take kindly to brides who talk about it being their day.

2. Your MOH is hosting the bachelorette, and therefore can tailor the date to her availability.  I doubt she is jealous of your wedding - sure, maybe she wishes she and her SO could get engaged, but I feel like women jump to conclusions that their friends are 'jealous' of them.  Does the fact that the bachelorette is 'simple' (it looks great to me, btw) mean she is jealous?  The party is a gift to you and she can host what she can afford to host, you should be greatful.  Not sure why she got angry at you over choosing to adhere to your pregnant/new mom friend's schedule, perhaps you should talk to her about it.

3. I don't see the big deal of her mom watching the wedding.  She only wants to see the ceremony, correct?  That's fine.  Beaches are public property so you can't outright ban people from rolling in and watching you get married.  Friends of mine had their ceremony in a park and tourists stopped and took pictures of them.

4. It seems a little unreasonable of your FSIL to move the ceremony because her daughter might be cold, just be sure that little Sally has a cute cardigan and/or scarf to wear over her dress.  If she is really cold perhaps you can bring a blanket to wrap around her during the ceremony.

Brrrr1126

Woah, people are harsh... I guess perhaps if you knew more of the backstory then you wouldn't all be jumping down my throat about my reaction, but holy crap I'm so sorry I posted something to the community.

I've done everything I could to make sure that my guests would have a good time, and my MOH has told me for a fact that she is jealous, so I'm not just assuming that.

I thought our friends and family would be more supportive of our wedding, not just think of themselves.

mbcdefg

What kind of response were you expecting?

Also, how are these people not being supportive of your wedding? Has anyone told you that you shouldn't be getting married?

frantastic12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:f0fdb833-8b50-4cba-8ddd-1ae47f6c329b">Re: I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE]Woah, people are harsh... <strong>I guess perhaps if you knew more of the backstory then you wouldn't all be jumping down my throat about my reaction,</strong> but holy crap I'm so sorry I posted something to the community. I've done everything I could to make sure that my guests would have a good time, and my MOH has told me for a fact that she is jealous, so I'm not just assuming that. I thought our friends and family would be more supportive of our wedding, not just think of themselves.
Posted by Brrrr1126[/QUOTE]

The replies to your post--the post in which you were asking peoples' opinions--are based on all of the information you've given.  If you don't share the whole story, what kind of responses do you expect? 

Tell your MOH that space is limited, or that you're planning an intimate ceremony those nearest and dearest to you. 

As for your FG, her mom calls the shots. 

pkontk

No one was harsh, we were all just honest.  If you read a few posts on the WP or other boards, you would see that we don't sugar coat things here.

A lot of women do say their friends are jealous whether they are or not, so no one knew that your friend actually came out and said she was jealous.  PPs still gave you good advice about what to do in your situation.

It sounds like your friends are supporting you with a bachelorette party, you haven't told us anything about anyone being unsupportive of the wedding.

frantastic12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:0205f5c1-b1a5-40c1-a7dc-b3e65590be1a">I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like they're trying to make <strong>my*</strong> wedding day about themselves as much as they can, and I don't really know how to handle it.
Posted by Brrrr1126[/QUOTE]

<strong>*</strong> I think you mean "OUR", as I assume that your fiance is also getting married that day. 

mbcdefg

And the MOH is still organizing a bachelorette party for you, and your FSIL has not said she's boycotting the wedding or pulling your niece out of it ... so I STILL don't get why this somehow equates to them only thinking of themselves or not supporting you and your wedding.

One would think that, if they didn't support you or your wedding, or if they were only thinking of themselves, they'd say, "Youhave to do XYZ or else I am not coming to your wedding." Or just flat-out, "No, I'm not coming to your wedding, goodbye."

TiffannieF

Brrrr, we don't mean to be "harsh" we are just giving you our honest answers.  But the information about her being jealous has nothing to do with it...it bothers you because you are letting it bother you...don't (it's that simple).

You friends and family ARE supportive it's just...well when it comes to weddings...people get kind of coo-coo and start placing their own opinions in weddings.  One of my friends said "A wedding is about making everybody happy BUT the bride and groom."  And when I think about it its kind of true.  Honestly, think about it, really to get married you only need you, your FI, a witness, and the officiant...we invite our families/friends to join us to celebrate and throw a party afterwards to thank them.  After my wedding it was the one thing I noticed...this was just a big party for my family. 

That being said I think your FSIL (?) is being a little ridic about the moving the wedding indoors.  If she brings it up again I would just suggest her wearing a sweater or let her know that you will completely understand if she does not feel comfortable with her daughter being outside (lol). 

Your MOH...well...honestly I think the first mistake was moving the b-party for a person who wasn't the bride.  I mean I know it's not her fault she went into labor but I'm sure with a newborn missing a pedi is NOT that big of a deal...you could have always offered to take her just you two.  But because that ship sailed can't do much about it.  If the MOH is the host then she gets to plan everything, hopefully, she will keep everybody in mind for time/date but if she doesn't then it's just reflects on her (not you). 

      Side note: my MOH hosted a b-party for me and in all honesty it wasn't very successful.  She ordered me a huge margarita which I didn't drink because I was driving and then put it on my tab, no one offered to pay for my meal (not even her) then we went back to her house her idea of a "party" was putting on "Bridesmaids" and taking a shot every time the word "wedding" was mentioned.  I love her to death and I understand this was her first party so I don't hate her or am disappointed in it, I'm thankful that she tried, lol. 

I also had a lot of people ask if they could invite somebody to the wedding...everybody goes through it...do your best to stick your ground and say no (in a nice way, of course).

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:f0fdb833-8b50-4cba-8ddd-1ae47f6c329b">Re: I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE]Woah, people are harsh... I guess perhaps if you knew more of the backstory then you wouldn't all be jumping down my throat about my reaction, but holy crap I'm so sorry I posted something to the community. I've done everything I could to make sure that my guests would have a good time, and my MOH has told me for a fact that she is jealous, so I'm not just assuming that. I thought our friends and family would be more supportive of our wedding, not just think of themselves.
Posted by Brrrr1126[/QUOTE]

No one was harsh to you.  If you want to see some harsh responses, go find a thread where the bride is mad at one of her BM because she dare got pregnant and it's going to interfere with her day!  Then you will see some harsh responses. 

As for your MOH's mom at the ceremony.  If it is a public beach, she can't be stopped from coming to see your ceremony. 

PP gave you great advice.  You should re-read it and follow it.

Brrrr1126

TiffanneF, thank you, that is actually exactly the kind of response I was hoping for here.

PP did give some great advice, and that's essentially what I had done.

About the flower girl, I did not ever expect to force her to be outside if she was cold, I'm more than happy to have her in a sweater jacket or a blanket or to not participate if her mom doesn't want her there.  I was appalled at the fact that she would just assume I would move my wedding just for her, rather than ask if I minded if she wore a sweater or sat it out.  To assume the wedding would change around her struck me as highly self-centered, and I was asking this post of brides if it was out of line or a resonable request.

The wedding is in May, and should be nice, but we do have an indoor room as a back-up if the weather is bad.  We don't want people to be uncomfortable!

As for the MOH, and her mom - of course I can't keep her off a public beach, and told her so, but I didn't want her assuming that meant she could be there when we're all getting ready or join us for the dinner.   I thought it, too, was a very strange request and wanted to see if other people thought it was weird.

As for the bachelorette party - the mani/pedi/movie/dinner is a great idea, and I'm very happy she wanted to do it.  However, it was 4 people total, so having one of them not attend because she had a baby that day kind of ruined it, especially since the MOH herself had suggested a back-up day if that were to happen, and then when we did have to cancel, she totally flipped on me and said I shouldn't have assumed there was a back-up date and the other angry things that I mentioned in the first post.  She wants total control, and when I suggested new plans that would accommodate everybody (now that our friend has a baby she has to work around), the MOH said she wanted to do what she wanted, regardless of what worked for everyone else.  I was upset not because it's not what **I** wanted, but that she blatently went against what worked best for all of us, as we are all close friends (it's not like the MOH doesn't know the new mommy - they've been friends longer than we have).

I guess my point of venting here in this forum was to hope to have other brides tell me that they, too, have some crazy self-centered things their party/guests do, that it's not a big deal, and maybe some tips on how to soothe them without losing the focus of my wedding.

Because yes, it is OUR wedding, it's about what my groom and I want - which is an intimate party with our closest relatives to celebrate our next step in life.  I don't believe we should change our plans, like moving it indoors, for a single person.

Brrrr1126

And, as a side-note since I know this comes up a lot - I helped the MOH with expenses and didn't require her to do anything in particular with her hair / nails/ etc.  She's even free to wear whatever shoes she wants because it's on a beach and I wanted her comfortable.  I haven't been demanding of her at all, haven't asked her to do anything other than show up and be in the ceremony, and thus was very hurt at her reaction that I threw her into a mud puddle and stepped on her.

mbcdefg

I think most people here told you that (a) this happens all the time with everyone, (b) it's not a big deal and you need to stop taking it to heart so much, and (c) here's what you can do to get them off your back. I know I addressed these points, at least.

I'm getting the feeling from all of your posts that your main problem here is that you take everything way too personally. Rather than just simply saying, "Sorry you feel that way but we are doing XYZ," you keep focusing on how everyone else is being selfish and is intentionally doing things to steal your thunder or hamper your wedding. Just like how, when you didn't get the responses here that you were expecting, you immediately accused everyone here of jumping down your throat and being harsh to you, when that absolutely wasn't the case.

I'm not denying that the people in your original post sound over-dramatic (and I acknowledged that in my first post to you), but I also think that all of your hurt feelings could've easily been avoided if you'd just chilled out a bit in the first place and let their comments roll off your back. Rather than wasting your time by assuming that them being over-dramatic equated to them being jealous of you or wanting to steal your spotlight.

brenda2011Wed139476

Your wedding is your day, in your eyes.  But, as brides, we sometimes forget that other person, you know the one who will be waiting for you at the end of the aisle?  It's his day also.  But, when you involve other people, it does become their day also.  Their day to support and love you and your life with your new hubby. 

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:86e588c7-f5c8-400b-a4ed-591acd852070">Re: I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE]And, as a side-note since I know this comes up a lot - I helped the MOH with expenses and didn't require her to do anything in particular with her hair / nails/ etc.  She's even free to wear whatever shoes she wants because it's on a beach and I wanted her comfortable.  I haven't been demanding of her at all, haven't asked her to do anything other than show up and be in the ceremony, and thus was very hurt at her reaction that I threw her into a mud puddle and stepped on her.
Posted by Brrrr1126[/QUOTE]

These things aren't special courtesies that you've granted to her because you're a laid-back bride. These things are basic manners. She doesn't "get" to pick out her own shoes like it's some kind of special favor ... she SHOULD be picking out her own shoes in the first place. She shouldn't be required to get pro hair and makeup in the first place.

This isn't a case where you're relaxing some sort of universal requirements. You've done what every bride is expected to do here. It doesn't mean that you've been 50 times nicer than normal. There's a big difference between "Not Being a Jerk Bride" vs. "Super Gracious and Generous and Laid-Back Bride." Meaning, you're certainly not being a jerk who demands all these things from her BMs, but by the same token that doesn't automatically make you someone who's granting them all these special considerations and therefore you can ask more of them.  

BMSawa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-a-bridezilla-but-it-is-my-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e4c6051-c10f-41ea-8277-82cf4affa590Post:b2fcd034-a329-4ddd-853e-2eff2cbd820d">Re: I'm not a bridezilla, but it is MY day</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:  If you want to see some harsh responses, go find a thread where the bride is mad at one of her BM because she dare got pregnant and it's going to interfere with her day!  Then you will see some harsh responses. 
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

Wow.  People seriously get angry with a BM getting pregnant?????? 

alannamackenzie

Here's my two cents...you know your friend better then the people online do. I would think there is a possability she is jealous. They see a friend wrapped up in wedding plans and they want to be doing that too...they see a friend with a child, and they want one too. It's a daily occurance. What you should not do...is simply write her off. Take her out to lunch...just the two of you. Treat her to a movie. She might be feeling like the odd man out and she just needs a moment of two to be reassured that even though she's not the bride, she's still important. As the hostess of the party, she does have more say in the timing..but if you work with her a litte, she will probably come around. 

As for the child...add a cute little sweater to her ensemble. That way she can stay warm, and it can act as a flower girl gift that she can use many more times. 

While it is true that the more people you add, the more opinions you have to worry about...this day should be about the celebration of love between you and your SO. 

The responses on this board can be quite tactful...sometimes even to the point of seeming rudeness...but keep in mind that most of the responses you get are coming from other stressed-out brides. 

I hope that your day is a happy one, and that everything goes smoothly.