Decided not to have a bridal party...

jacol13

Has anyone else ever opted out of a bridal party?

I've been engaged for about 15 months now and tying the knot on June 9th. My fiance and I have recruited our closest friends early on to be members of our bridal party. Grand total was 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen. We thought this was a bit large for our mid sized wedding(about 90 guests) but we went with it because we wanted them all to be a part of our day. We've met with them on different occasions to talk about what being a groomsman/bridesmaid entails(not much lol) and the costs of the dresses/tuxes. Everyone was ok with this and did not express any concerns. Now as we're getting closer to the date(48 days away!), noone has gotten their tuxes or dresses and quite a few of them are saying they don't know when they'll have the money to get these things. After my fiance talked, we decided not to have a bridal party at all since it seems to be too much for our friends right now. We would much rather them be able to live after our wedding day and not be bitter about having to spend money on attire for our wedding. They'll all still be there as guests but that's about it at this point. We're a low key couple and don't like a big fuss so this was the decision we made. We're suprisingly getting mixed reactions to our decision to eliminate the bridal party. Was this a bad call? Has anyone else ever dealt with this before?

libby2483

I would certainly be very offended if I was un-asked from a bridal party.  

I'm confused about how if these people understood the financial obligation of being in the wedding party, they are having trouble affording it now.  Did you have your BMs pick out dresses together, or give them specifications on what you would like them to wear (color, style, etc.)?  Did you give them a date that they needed to get the dresses by?  Did FI pass on tux ordering information to the GMs?  I guess I just don't understand how out of 14 people, no one managed to get their attire.

Edit: I just reread what I wrote, and I didn't mean for that to sound harsh towards you.  I'm just genuinely confused as to how this happened.

mbcdefg

If they ALL have not been able to get their outfits yet, then you either chose way too expensive clothes or you have bad taste in friends.

mbcdefg

And, yes, it was a bad call.

jacol13

No friendships have been broken over this. I've talked with everyone individually before and after making this decision. They understood but were just a little surprised. It's not like I singled anyone out and kicked them out the bridal party, just changed my mind about having one. The attire wasn't expensive (about $125 for the dress and the tux) and fair notice (almost a year) was given about purchasing these items. Thanks for your opinions.

jacol13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_decided-not-to-have-a-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb2bf75-cca9-42c1-95f9-41bf8799a6b9Post:8b7cefd9-6d62-4044-91ef-6b9ff42a3190">Re: Decided not to have a bridal party...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would certainly be very offended if I was un-asked from a bridal party.   I'm confused about how if these people understood the financial obligation of being in the wedding party, they are having trouble affording it now.  Did you have your BMs pick out dresses together, or give them specifications on what you would like them to wear (color, style, etc.)?  Did you give them a date that they needed to get the dresses by?  Did FI pass on tux ordering information to the GMs?  I guess I just don't understand how out of 14 people, no one managed to get their attire. Edit: I just reread what I wrote, and I didn't mean for that to sound harsh towards you.  I'm just genuinely confused as to how this happened.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

I guess times are hard financially for everyone and time has gotten away from them. I sent out an email last month reminding my girls that dresses shoudl be ordered by a certain date and if this was a problem, they should let me know. My fiance did the same for his guys. 1 person responded stating she could order a few weeks after the specified date and 1 of the guys dropped out, otherwise no answer about this until I individually called them. We picked the things out together and I even opted for trying to search for even cheaper dresses but my girls loved the dress so much and saw a purpose for it after the wedding. I'm confused too libby, hence, my decision.

bonge

You should have never kicked them out. You will find you have reprecussions from this even if you don't right now.
If they did not buy the dress or get the tux then they would take themselves out of the wedding, but that choice would have been on them. You kicking them out makes you LOOK like a douche (not saying you are, just saying how it comes across). Your the one people are going to view as an a**hole here, not them.

Even if i could not afford the dress, i would be offended.

Lark2013

I think you are okay to have elimanted the entire WP.  One or two people would have been bad, but the whole WP is less offensive.  Besides, now that you've told them, it would be even worse to reverse the decision.   If you and FI are comfortable with no WP, then I don't see the problem.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_decided-not-to-have-a-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb2bf75-cca9-42c1-95f9-41bf8799a6b9Post:80d2c75a-dd93-4044-8a31-3ed72fbf95c3">Re: Decided not to have a bridal party...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>No friendships have been broken over this. I've talked with everyone individually before and after making this decision.</strong> They understood but were just a little surprised. It's not like I singled anyone out and kicked them out the bridal party, just changed my mind about having one. <strong>The attire wasn't expensive (about $125 for the dress and the tux) and fair notice (almost a year) was given about purchasing these items.</strong> Thanks for your opinions.
Posted by jacol13[/QUOTE]

Keep in mind, though, that most people will not tell you to your face that they're pissed off at you. If they all said they're good, then hopefully they mean it, but I would pay attention to how they react to you in the coming weeks and months, and if there are any hard feelings then be prepared to apologize if necessary.

Re: the price of the attire ... did you ask THEM what they can afford, or did you say, "The outfits are $125 each and you have a year to save up"? There's a BIG difference between them telling you what they want to spend, versus you telling them what they'll be spending.

Most people I've talked to said they're happy to spend money (if they can) on a friend's wedding, but they want the choice and the input. Most people have said they'd be pissed off to be told, "You have to pay $xyz for a dress" by the bride, or "You owe $xyz for the shower" by the MOH, even if it was a price they could easily afford ... because their opinion was never asked before the price was decided upon.

MayberryAfterMidnight

FI and I are not having a bridal party at all either, but that's because it's a small wedding (only about 60 guests) and it's going to be rather informal. I'm always confused, though, by people who mistake a "bridal party" for the outfits you expect them to wear! Why can't you have a bridal party and have them wear whatever they want? I realize this is not going to look as "uniform" in the pictures, but if you're really worried about that, you could ask the ladies to all wear a certain color and have the mean wear suits with muted ties or something - even if they're not as nice as tuxes. But first you need to decide what it is YOU want for your wedding day. Regardless, I think the situation warrants you explaining to each of your friends that it was never about your not wanting them to be in the bridal party, you were just concerned with how to make it easy for everybody involved. A wedding is just one day, but friendships last much longer. Good luck!

graysquirrel

I do think that it was a bad call. If your friends were not able to order the outfits, then they take themselves out of the WP. By kicking everyone out because some were slow getting their attire makes it look like you value clothes over friendships. It is never ok to honor someone and then take it back.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_decided-not-to-have-a-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb2bf75-cca9-42c1-95f9-41bf8799a6b9Post:468c19c5-4c94-47d9-adc7-b58190ca0b74">Decided not to have a bridal party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Has anyone else ever opted out of a bridal party? I've been engaged for about 15 months now and tying the knot on June 9th. My fiance and I have recruited our closest friends early on to be members of our bridal party. Grand total was 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen. We thought this was a bit large for our mid sized wedding(about 90 guests) but we went with it because we wanted them all to be a part of our day. We've met with them on different occasions to talk about what being a groomsman/bridesmaid entails(not much lol) and the costs of the dresses/tuxes. Everyone was ok with this and did not express any concerns. <strong>Now as we're getting closer to the date(48 days away!), noone has gotten their tuxes or dresses and quite a few of them are saying they don't know when they'll have the money to get these things.</strong>After my fiance talked, we decided not to have a bridal party at all since it seems to be too much for our friends right now. We would much rather them be able to live after our wedding day and not be bitter about having to spend money on attire for our wedding. They'll all still be there as guests but that's about it at this point. We're a low key couple and don't like a big fuss so this was the decision we made. We're suprisingly getting mixed reactions to our decision to eliminate the bridal party. Was this a bad call? Has anyone else ever dealt with this before?
Posted by jacol13[/QUOTE]

Are you honestly surprised that your friends are giving you mixed reactions?  You asked them to be a part of one of the biggest events in your life and you have now told all of them to take a hike.  Yea, I'd be pissed too.

In regards to the bolded part, did you not give them a date to do this by?  In all of these meetings you had, this was never discussed?  Part of the blame lies with you.  Seeing as how YOU are the one planning all of this, YOU should have made sure the dresses & tuxes were ordered by said date.  I would have never just left it up to my bridal party <em>without following up to ensure it had be done in the first place.

</em>You and FI are way outta line here and don't be surprised if both of you lose friendships over this.

jessilee1019

Just because $125 doesn't seem expensive to you doesn't mean that it's not expensive to other people. I'm a graduate student only working part time on campus. $125 is practically half of my paycheck. Just saying. 

TiffannieF

I'm skipping the responses because I can imagine they will be similar to mine.

If a friend un asked me just because 5 other people couldn't afford the dress, I would be offended...I might not say it to your face and I would try to convince myself 'this is what my friend wants, I need to be supportive' but I would still be hurt.

Let those who can't afford it drop out and those that can be in the WP.

eagle328

Can you compromise?  I get that you wanted to make their lives (and yours) less stressful, but at the same time it is an honor to be in the bridal party and some people probably were upset to lose that.

I'm wondering if you can still have them as a bridal party, but just not get specific dresses and tuxes.  Maybe don't have them stand up next to you if you don't like the unmatched thing, but seat them behind the immediate family and still have them at the head table if you do one (with SO's, of course), take bridal party pictures with them, list them in the program as bridesmaids and groomsmen, and get ready with them.  After all, they're still your best friends and you (probably) want them with you on your big day even if they don't happen to match. 

deanozzi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_decided-not-to-have-a-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb2bf75-cca9-42c1-95f9-41bf8799a6b9Post:80d2c75a-dd93-4044-8a31-3ed72fbf95c3">Re: Decided not to have a bridal party...</a>:
[QUOTE]No friendships have been broken over this. I've talked with everyone individually before and after making this decision. They understood but were just a little surprised. It's not like I singled anyone out and kicked them out the bridal party, just changed my mind about having one. The attire wasn't expensive (about $125 for the dress and the tux) and fair notice (almost a year) was given about purchasing these items. Thanks for your opinions.
Posted by jacol13[/QUOTE]

If you talked to everyone and did not single anyone out which you said you did not then I think that is fine. As long as no one had purchased attire or anything special.

To tell you the truth it is sort of a pain (financially) to be in a wedding, I would not be the least bit upset.

jacol13

This is her fiance. First and foremost, we do not value clothes over friendships. We gave them the option as to getting a cheaper dress or tux and they were adamant in getting the more expensive option because they could wear it more than once. They've known for almost two years that they were going to be in our wedding. We talked to each person individually (after we made the decision to cut the party) and explained to them that although we appreciate their willingness to serve in the wedding, we want them to enjoy the wedding without there being a financial imposition; and most understood after we explained it to them rationally. Furthermore, for some of you that say that we should accomodate their dress choice; our colors are vibrant and bright colors. If all they might have is a black or dark color dress, we're suppose to accomodate that? I'm not getting your logic. Finally, I hate to break it to you but it is not about the bridesmaids dresses or the groomsmen tuxes. This is not an episode of Four Weddings. We sitll have flower girls and a ring bearer. So if you feel offended by our decision, I'm sorry. However, we don't know you people and are sorry we asked for the opinions of random people in the first place.