What to do about drifted best friends?

jms1019

I'm sure this has been asked about before but I couldn't find it. My friend and I have had an on again/ off again friendship for 13 years. We drift close and apart but I still care about her a lot and when we were close I had always planned on having her in my wedding party. The problem is, the more stable my life becomes, the more we seem to drift. Since I started dating my FI she's wanted to hang out less and less, even when I go out of my way to try to make plans with her. She even missed my last birthday even when promising that she would come to it. 

About a month after I got engaged she's been making more of an effort to spend time with me and took me out to make up for my birthday. I had already decided on 5 other friends (2 of which are my FI's sisters) for my party. I know that this friend is expecting to get asked but as I've had to deal with other flakey BM as a BM I don't know if I trust her to live up to the duties that BMs are going to. I also don't want to ask her only to drift even further apart though that's almost sure to happen if I don't ask her. 

I don't want to lose a friendship, but I also don't want to add extra stress to the more reliable BMs. Any advice? 

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_drifted-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:41cd3d65-e4fa-4481-880c-4b226ec7e416Post:a50335b5-7ec8-444b-a04c-3b5275bbb841">What to do about drifted best friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure this has been asked about before but I couldn't find it. My friend and I have had an on again/ off again friendship for 13 years. We drift close and apart but I still care about her a lot and when we were close I had always planned on having her in my wedding party. The problem is, the more stable my life becomes, the more we seem to drift. Since I started dating my FI she's wanted to hang out less and less, even when I go out of my way to try to make plans with her. She even missed my last birthday even when promising that she would come to it.  About a month after I got engaged she's been making more of an effort to spend time with me and took me out to make up for my birthday. I had already decided on 5 other friends (2 of which are my FI's sisters) for my party. I know that this friend is expecting to get asked but as I've had to deal with other flakey BM as a BM I don't know if I trust her to live up to the duties that BMs are going to. I also don't want to ask her only to drift even further apart though that's almost sure to happen if I don't ask her.  I don't want to lose a friendship, but I also don't want to add extra stress to the more reliable BMs. Any advice? 
Posted by jms1019[/QUOTE]

I would just think about your wedding day and who you want standing by your side as you get married. If she is on that list, then by all means, ask her. If you feel like you would just be asking out of obligation or expectations, then that would not be a good reason to ask her.

I'm not sure what you mean by her being "too flaky" to be a bridesmaid. All she has to do to be a bridesmaid is to buy the dress (after you ask each girl privately what her budget is for a dress and they all agree), show up on the day (clean and sober), stand next to you while you get married, and smile for pictures.

Anything else up to and including planning and attending parties as a gift to you, going dress shopping for your dress, helping with the planning of your wedding, and etc. are completely optional activities on her (and the rest of your BM) part.

If they volunteer to help you or throw you parties, then great! Enjoy the parties and help. If not, then don't worry about it; they are still great friends, they just aren't into planning your wedding or throwing parties.

LarissaAnn

JMS, aside from Emily's words of wisdom (and she's pretty on the mark), you have over a year to your wedding, nearly a year & a half.  Don't worry about it now!  Seriously, there's nothing for BMs to do now and all you'll do is cause yourself excess drama and stress.  Wait at least 6 months and then decide where your relationship is and whether you want to ask her.  You have TONS of time.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_drifted-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:41cd3d65-e4fa-4481-880c-4b226ec7e416Post:214b33ed-4a5f-4903-9a54-19c8a5c9a950">Re: What to do about drifted best friends?</a>:
[QUOTE]JMS, aside from Emily's words of wisdom (and she's pretty on the mark), you have over a year to your wedding, nearly a year & a half.  Don't worry about it now!  Seriously, there's nothing for BMs to do now and all you'll do is cause yourself excess drama and stress.  Wait at least 6 months and then decide where your relationship is and whether you want to ask her.  You have TONS of time.
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

Thanks Larissa! I was also thinking about how far out she is, but I also thought that if she has already asked her other girls, then it probably would be good to ask this girl too if she is going to, just to avoid any awkwardness. But OP, if you haven't asked anyone yet, please listen to Larissa and don't ask anyone for another six or so months!

bablingbrooke

FWIW--this question was answered twice today already.

First, please don't base your decision on whether "she will be able to live up to BM duties".  BMs have no duties other than to buy the dress and show up.  Making your decision on the basis of who you assume will help you.  Just because someone has the time and money doesn't mean she's obligated to spend it on your wedding.  So toss out that notion now; you're only setting yourself up for disappointment.

Second, you don't have to make this decision today.  See how things pan out in the next few months.  One of my BMs is an old friend with whom I probably speak once a month in a 3-line gchat conversation and see only twice a year.  I wouldn't hesitate to call her at 3 am with a problem and she's still one of my closest friends.  

Finally, think to yourself: Who are the people I call when something awesome happens, when something terrible happens, and who can I call in a crisis?  Those ppl are your BMs.

jeannigirl

Ditto on all the advice above.

mbcdefg

Ditto above.

If she is a good friend and it would mean a lot to you to have her standing there with you, ask her. (Ask your BMs around the 10-month mark, not right now.)

If your main concern is about people fulfilling "duties," then you are asking people for the wrong reasons. Anything that your friends do other than buying the dress and actually being in the wedding is a nice bonus. They are not obligated to throw parties for you or help you with the planning. It's NICE if they do, but they are not "bad bridesmaids" if they don't.

Please do not listen to what magazines, TV shows, movies and wedding websites are telling you about your BMs being happy helpers. They are your friends, and the personalities and behaviors that they have prior to your engagement will not differ from the way they act during and after your engagement.

Lolo85

I agree AND disagree with some of the advice above. I would wait before I make any decisions though. To me 6 months from your wedding day is a good time to start asking people, with the exception of those obvious bestfriends or family members. But also consider this... if she is flaky now how will you feel if you put her in your wedding just because you don't wanna offend her and then after the wedding is over you don't hear from her anymore... then that will offend YOU. I know what you mean, I have 2 friends who I was tight like glue with 5 years ago and I see them sometimes but when I invite them out they don't come, and we rarely talk, when we see eachother we hug and catch up a little but I swore when I was younger they'd be in my wedding. As far as I see it your friend should not be offended (although she may find some reason to feel offended), if she gets an invite to your wedding that's deserving. But if you can not do without having this girl in your wedding and still feel that way later on then ask her, if you feel she has your back and you won't later look at your pictures and be like why did i ask her to be in my wedding then by all means include her.

jms1019

Thank you all so much for your great advice. I had definitely decided on not asking anyone (with the exception of my FI's sisters) until next year. The awkward thing is she almost seems to be fishing for an invite as she brings up bridesmaids a lot when we talk, and I have been trying to not bring up the wedding at all when I talk to her. I keep repeating to her that I'm not asking anyone til next year but I can tell she'd want to know sooner.

When I say that I'm not sure she'll be able to do her bridesmaid duties I mean contribute money to the shower or even show up to the wedding on time. I had to deal with a BM like that for my friends wedding and it was really stressful for us and the bride as she didn't even buy her dress until 2 days before the wedding. Of course I wouldn't need her to throw a party for me or anything like that, but I would be worried that she wouldn't be able to afford a dress that I would want her to wear for the wedding. I suppose if she didn't offer to help with the shower or bachelorette party that would be between her and the other BMs but that's an issue I'd want to avoid if I could.

Lolo85

I know it's been a few months since you posted your last post but YES bridesmaids have duties, a lot of third party sources exaggerate those duties but they do have duties. No, the probably can't all afford the same things but I have ben a BM once and you are like their right-hand woman so you have their backs and you do what you should relieve the brides stress, you want to have some part in a shower at least even if it's not monetarily. They need to be reliable.

You are being wise by waiting to ask girls to be your BM's. You may find a couple months that you want her to be in your wedding or vise versa. Whatever decision you make do what feels comfortable and right to you.

banana468

Lolo, BMs ONLY have to buy a dress and show up.  That's IT.

The rest, while traditional is not a DUTY.

aerinpegadrak

I know if I were planning a shower or bachelorette for someone, I'd appreciate knowing in advance that a particular bridesmaid isn't the most dependable, so I could plan accordingly.  If your girls bring up these parties, perhaps you can tactfully give them a heads up.  You can head off potential drama and still have her in the wedding.

As far as getting the dress and showing up on time, you're just going to have to trust her.  You can make the dress part easier by asking everyone their budgets privately beforehand, letting them choose their own dress within certain guidelines (designer, length, color, etc), and find something that they can purchase off-the-rack if necessary.  (I know one of my bridesmaids is just wearing one of he little black dresses she already owns, so I don't really care if she doesn't choose which one until she's packing her suitcase.)

It sounds like you've got the right idea: don't ask too much of her, and don't expect her to change who she is just because you're getting married.  Avoiding drama is really more about managing your own expectations than managing other people's behavior.