Bridesmaid DRAMA

lindsaylou923

I'm having a bit of a problem with one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it's my future sister-in-law. No matter what decision I have made for the wedding, or plans we have set, she creates a problem. When my fiance didn't ask her husband (one of his two brothers) to be his best man, she confronted both of us about it and made a big deal about the situation. She made him feel guilty about his decision and caused a rift to begin. When I didn't ask HER to be my maid of honor, she  started being difficult about appointments for the wedding. She told me that she didn't want to come to the joint bachelor/ette party, because it would be expensive... we are making it as inexpensive as possible. And every time I schedule something for the bridesmaids, she fights with me and then makes and excuse not to come. The only things I have had my girls do is try on dresses and pick them out and schedule for their hair. I have not asked them for anything else, as they all have children and lives outside my wedding. I don't know what to do, because if she weren't going to be family, I would have asked her to excuse herself from the wedding party. I rarely ever cry, but she's had me so frustrated, that I've been in tears. She doesn't seem geniunely happy for us, and just pouts when we discuss the wedding.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:446cbba0-5344-4190-bec4-5ba891f41c71Post:ec18cbaa-439a-416a-a13b-1e8fbda233e1">Bridesmaid DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a bit of a problem with one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it's my future sister-in-law. No matter what decision I have made for the wedding, or plans we have set, she creates a problem. When my fiance didn't ask her husband (one of his two brothers) to be his best man, she confronted both of us about it and made a big deal about the situation. She made him feel guilty about his decision and caused a rift to begin. When I didn't ask HER to be my maid of honor, she  started being difficult about appointments for the wedding. She told me that she didn't want to come to the joint bachelor/ette party, because it would be expensive... we are making it as inexpensive as possible. And every time I schedule something for the bridesmaids, she fights with me and then makes and excuse not to come. The only things I have had my girls do is try on dresses and pick them out and schedule for their hair. I have not asked them for anything else, as they all have children and lives outside my wedding. I don't know what to do, because if she weren't going to be family, I would have asked her to excuse herself from the wedding party. I rarely ever cry, but she's had me so frustrated, that I've been in tears. She doesn't seem geniunely happy for us, and just pouts when we discuss the wedding.
Posted by lindsaylou923[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is your FSIL....your future family. Be the bigger person and get over it. Ignore her. I don't think she's close enough to you to be the MOH just based on what you wrote. Just ignore her about giving you crap. </div><div>
</div><div>And FYI, bms and others are not required to attend parties like B parties and showers. If she said it's too expensive, it's too expensive for her. If she's really throwing a pity party for herself, let her. You don't have to awknowledge her behavior.

</div>

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:446cbba0-5344-4190-bec4-5ba891f41c71Post:ec18cbaa-439a-416a-a13b-1e8fbda233e1">Bridesmaid DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a bit of a problem with one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it's my future sister-in-law. No matter what decision I have made for the wedding, or plans we have set, she creates a problem. When my fiance didn't ask her husband (one of his two brothers) to be his best man, she confronted both of us about it and made a big deal about the situation. She made him feel guilty about his decision and caused a rift to begin. When I didn't ask HER to be my maid of honor, she  started being difficult about appointments for the wedding. She told me that she didn't want to come to the joint bachelor/ette party, because it would be expensive... we are making it as inexpensive as possible. And every time I schedule something for the bridesmaids, she fights with me and then makes and excuse not to come. The only things I have had my girls do is try on dresses and pick them out and schedule for their hair. I have not asked them for anything else, as they all have children and lives outside my wedding. I don't know what to do, because if she weren't going to be family, I would have asked her to excuse herself from the wedding party. I rarely ever cry, but she's had me so frustrated, that I've been in tears. She doesn't seem geniunely happy for us, and just pouts when we discuss the wedding.
Posted by lindsaylou923[/QUOTE]

If she's a true drama llama, then she's not going to change.  Don't take it personally.  Lower your expectations.  She is not required to attend any pre-wedding parties or pampering.  (I hope you are paying for your BM's hair if you are requiring them to get it done - BTW)

And why do you have anything to do with the b-parties?  These are parties in your honor, not parties that you yourselves host. 

As far as your  WP, your FI should have been able to stand up to his SIL about your decisions.  It's not really your place to get involved in that argument.

It's a good thing that you didn't kick her out of the wedding party.  You're right; she is going to be family, and that would have been a huge insult.  You cannot control other people's actions, only your reactions to them.  Let. It. Go. and stop taking things so personally.  There could be a million reasons why she is acting the way that she is, and chances are, it has nothing to do you with you.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I'm having a bit of a problem with one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it's my future sister-in-law. No matter what decision I have made for the wedding, or plans we have set, she creates a problem. When my fiance didn't ask her husband (one of his two brothers) to be his best man, she confronted both of us about it and made a big deal about the situation. She made him feel guilty about his decision and caused a rift to begin. When I didn't ask HER to be my maid of honor, she  started being difficult about appointments for the wedding. She told me that she didn't want to come to the joint bachelor/ette party, because it would be expensive... we are making it as inexpensive as possible. And every time I schedule something for the bridesmaids, she fights with me and then makes and excuse not to come. The only things I have had my girls do is try on dresses and pick them out and schedule for their hair. I have not asked them for anything else, as they all have children and lives outside my wedding. I don't know what to do, because if she weren't going to be family, I would have asked her to excuse herself from the wedding party. I rarely ever cry, but she's had me so frustrated, that I've been in tears. She doesn't seem geniunely happy for us, and just pouts when we discuss the wedding.
Posted by lindsaylou923[/QUOTE]
Stop talking to her about the wedding.  She doesn't need to come to pre-wedding appointments or events.  The bachelorette should be something she can afford if she is co-hosting it, and you should not be helping them plan it (can't tell if you are).  You can't require hair unless you are paying for it, so just give her the info if she'd like to book an appointment and let her know the dress information so she can order hers.

You cannot kick out a BM.  Just stop discussing the wedding with her unless absolutely necessary, otherwise you'll both just keep getting worked up about it.

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:446cbba0-5344-4190-bec4-5ba891f41c71Post:ec18cbaa-439a-416a-a13b-1e8fbda233e1">Bridesmaid DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having a bit of a problem with one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, it's my future sister-in-law. No matter what decision I have made for the wedding, or plans we have set, she creates a problem. When my fiance didn't ask her husband (one of his two brothers) to be his best man, she confronted both of us about it and made a big deal about the situation. She made him feel guilty about his decision and caused a rift to begin. When I didn't ask HER to be my maid of honor, she  started being difficult about appointments for the wedding. She told me that she didn't want to come to the joint bachelor/ette party, because it would be expensive... we are making it as inexpensive as possible. And every time I schedule something for the bridesmaids, she fights with me and then makes and excuse not to come. The only things I have had my girls do is try on dresses and pick them out and schedule for their hair. I have not asked them for anything else, as they all have children and lives outside my wedding. I don't know what to do, because if she weren't going to be family, I would have asked her to excuse herself from the wedding party. I rarely ever cry, but she's had me so frustrated, that I've been in tears. She doesn't seem geniunely happy for us, and just pouts when we discuss the wedding.
Posted by lindsaylou923[/QUOTE]

I would just not talk about the wedding--let her get her dress, and show up.  Invite her to the pre-wedding parties, but it sounds like it would be better if she doesn't come.  <strong>Edit:</strong> have whoever is hosting the party invite her, you really shouldn't be involved in that. You're right--because she's going to be family, it's rough, but I think you just need to expect as little as possible from her (get the dress, show up), and don't talk about the wedding in front of her.  If for whatever reason she brings it up, bean dip her--say something vague about how it's going, and change the subject.  Once you get to the wedding you probably won't even notice her because you'll be too busy celebrating and having fun with the other people who are celebrating and having fun with you.

CTGirl30

People can only affect you as much as you will let them. In this case, she sounds like a real peach to have actually confronted you and FI about not asking her husband to be in the WP. Who the 2 of you chose is none of her business...but I guess she didn't see it that way. The best you can do is limit the wedding talk with her outside of giving her necessary information (the last date to order her dress or attire information, for example). Otherwise don't keep bringing it up with her.

Also, why are you involved in the cost of bachelor/ette party? You don't host your own b-party. Whomever is hosting should be discussing cost with the other BMs and if she decides it's out of her budget...then she won't be there. (Sounds like you'd probably enjoy it more without her anyway...). But that's not something you need to be worrying about.  She's not required to attend any of the pre-wedding events such as Bach parties or showers if you're thrown one...

Do your best to not let her get under your skin - be the bigger person here, as you're absolutely right that she'll be family and it's not worth causing the drama that will ensue if you were to kick her out.   GL to you.

emilyinchile

PPs have said it - just ignore her. She sounds like a pain, but there's really nothing you can do. Grab a glass of wine, take a bubble bath, vent on here or to a friend...but then smile to her face and don't let what she does affect you.

mbcdefg

Give her information on a need-to-know basis, and then stop including her in the plans.

The only thing she needs to do is get the dress and be in the ceremony. There shouldn't be any "appointments" for her to keep other than dress shopping ... and if she won't come to that, then she loses her input in what dress will be selected. Simple as that.

So, tell her when you and the other BMs are going dress shopping. If she won't come, then tell her that you will e-mail her the choices and she can vote on her favorite. Or tell her that majority rules and everyone will wear the dress that the BMs vote on. Or, pick a designer/color/length/fabric and let each BM pick her own style ... tell her the specifications and let her order it on her own time. Just give her the information and then don't bug her anymore ... let her order it and get it fitted on her own time.

Pick a neutral shoe color that will coordinate with the BM dress color, and let each BM pick out her own shoes. Tell FSIL the shoe color and then leave her alone about it.

You shouldn't be heavily involved in your BMs' hair, unless you mean that you are paying for it. (And even if you're paying for it, it's totally unnecessary to be telling them what style to get.) If you are paying for it, then tell her, "The stylist will be coming to the hotel at 9 a.m. to start doing hair. I am paying for it. I need an answer by [date] as to whether or not you want your hair done. If you say no, or if I don't hear from you, then you can either do your own hair or find your own stylist, and you must be at the hotel room by 10:30 to get dressed and pose for photos." Ditto all of this for makeup.

Tell her what time the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are. It's not mandatory that the bridal party members attend ... if she won't be coming, just go on without her, and she can figure it out herself at the ceremony.

Other than that, there's really nothing she needs to know. Attending the shower and bachelorette is not a requirement. (And if she's going to be a pill, do you really want her there anyway?)

She'll be part of your family soon. It isn't worth it to get into a fight with her over her involvement in a one-day event. You still need to deal with her AFTER your wedding. Give her the information that she needs to be aware of, and then leave the ball in her court. If she wants to be involved, then she'll get it done. Not worth getting upset over ... and it still wouldn't be justifiable to kick her out of the wedding if she weren't a family member, because if she would just get the dress and show up then she'll have fulfilled her obligations to you.