Wedding Party

flower girl dilema

My fiance and I have made the decision not to invite children to our wedding, but are considering making an exception for one of the groomsmen's daughters, who will be 7 at the time of the wedding. We understand we can't just invite her and not other children, so we're exporing the idea of asking her to be a flower girl, which seems to have some pros and cons.

We were not otherwise planning to have a flower girl or ring bearer, as neither of us have children of the appropriate age in our families. This one little girl has spent grown up around my fiance, so we think she may be an appropriate choice. 

-- Is it awkward to not have the girl's mother in the wedding too? We've only recently become friends, but she's been helpful to me as most of my actual bridesmaids live on the other side of the country. I appreciate this and don't want her to feel left out, but can't really add more bridesmaids. 

-- Do most people reserve the flower girl position for family members only? Would it seem odd to have a random friend's daughter?

-- Has anyone been in a similar situaion?

I know ultimately we can do whatever we want, but I'm just curious to see what people think. Thanks for your help!
My Blog: onewaytothebay.wordpress.com

Re: flower girl dilema

  • Well, he's a groomsman, not just some random person, so I would guess that he's pretty special to your FI. I had one of my best friend's daughter as my flower girl and my friend wasn't a BM, and it was no big deal. Just because one person from a family unit is in a wedding doesn't require you to have all family members be part of the wedding, so I don't think it would be awkward at all to make the daughter a FG.   If you really want to include the GM's wife in some way, have her perform another role, like be the candle lighter or read something/sing something during your ceremony. 
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    -- Is it awkward to not have the girl's mother in the wedding too? No, she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid just because her husband and (maybe) daughter are in the wedding. We've only recently become friends So then it's probably a bad idea to ask her to be a BM. BMs should be your closest friends. but she's been helpful to me as most of my actual bridesmaids live on the other side of the country. I appreciate this and don't want her to feel left out, but can't really add more bridesmaids. The BM role is not a reward for good helpers. If you're appreciative of her help, then write her a nice note, give her a small gift or treat her to lunch to thank her. 

    -- Do most people reserve the flower girl position for family members only? The point of including kids in a wedding is to honor kids you're close to. Not to fill an empty role with any old kid (or even a kid you're close to but didn't originally intend on asking) who happens to be the "ideal age."

    Would it seem odd to have a random friend's daughter? Nobody is going to care who you ask or why you asked her, and nobody is going to question you on why you chose her. (And if they DO, then they are being rude and you should ignore the question.) However, think about WHY you're asking her. If she's the only kid you'd want to invite because you're close to her, then asking her to be the flower girl in order to get around the No Kids rule is fine. But if you just think you "need" a flower girl and this girl happens to be the "ideal age," then that's the wrong reason for asking.

    It's unclear to me why exactly you are thinking of asking this girl to be the flower girl. Are you really close to her and you want to figure out a way to invite her to the wedding? Or do you just think you need a flower girl and you think she might be right for the job? Remember that the only purpose of ring bearers and flower girls
     is to look cute for about 30 seconds going down the aisle, so picking out a random kid just for the sake of having one is probably not worth the headache or the expense.

    -- Has anyone been in a similar situaion? We didn't want any kids in our wedding, since we have no nieces/nephews or other kids we're extremely close to - and having no kids in the bridal party made it a lot easier and more fun for us, especially in the limo and everything.

    We DO have several second cousins that we see often, as well as others that we barely see (and some we've never met), so to keep it fair we didn't invite any of them, since we didn't have the space or the budget to accommodate them. We have several friends with kids - some we like/are more close to than others - and again, to keep it fair we invited none of them. Nobody complained ... in fact, most parents thanked us for the opportunity for a kid-free date night.
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  • Definitely good points! To answer your question, we're considering asking her to be a flower girl because we'd like to have her there on our special day, not because we just feel like we have to have a flower girl. 
    My Blog: onewaytothebay.wordpress.com
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2012
    When excluding certain kids, the best way to avoid hurt feelings is to have the lines perfectly clear.  For us, it was not inviting any kids except the two infants, who were too young to be left with a sitter for the weekend (since the parents had to travel).  Everyone understood completely why those kids were invited when no one else was.

    No one's going to question why the flower girl is there when there are no other kids.  If you're looking for a way to include just one kid without stepping on any toes, giving her an official role such as flower girl seems like an ideal solution.  7 is old enough that she might see FG as a baby job, so if she doesn't seem eager to be the FG, maybe consider the idea of having her as a reader or a junior bridesmaid/groomswoman.
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Those are all good points above, especially about having clear boundaries with kid rules. 

    To add to that, I do have a similar situation, difference being that I am close friends with the mom. I asked my friend's daughters as a way to include my friend. This probably comes across differently online than it would in conversation, but the simple fact is, I have more close friends than my fiance does. If I had it my way I would have had 8 bridesmaids, and he struggled to come up with 5 groomsmen. I had to get creative to include all the friends I wanted to, and this was a way to accommodate that. I think my friend may have even been a little relieved to not have to put on a bridesmaids dress again (she was in a wedding last summer and confessed a few times how self-conscious she was).

    So, in your situation, I don't think it would be awkward to not have the mom in the wedding. If she's helped you out so much already, she may already be familiar enough with your situation to not even expect it. Also, by having her daughter as a flower girl, you kind of are including her because she'll help with picking out the dress and accessories and everything else. Seriously, what mom doesn't love dressing up her daughter.

  • I'm sorry if I offended you, I was just trying to help.
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