I'm unsure how to feel about this...

michaelanddani

thanks for all your help. it's appreciated.

marissa_claire

Wedding parties are not a tit-for-tat deal.  There is no reciprocity.  You're hurting because you expected she chose you - but is that because of your friendship being so close or is it because you thought she would since she is one of your BMs?  

In her defense, she might have been pushed into asking family members.  If she called you to complain about them, especially, I would guess that she didn't think she had "room" for more.  That doesn't excuse anything, but I think you might need to come back and add some more details to your story.

stina93446

You can definitely feel this way.Yes, it's a bummer because you guys had planned on this. But people change, and dreams do as well. Just try to have a good attitude about the situation, like you're doing now. What's done is done. And best of all, you can attend any pre wedding parties without having to plan or pitch it. AND you can enjoy the wedding without having to buy an ugly dress or having to show up super early....you can enjoy it as a guest! Just think about it like that.

hlq2011

It's perfectly okay to feel disappointed and even hurt about it, but don't say anything to her.  Wedding parties are not tit-for-tat.  Let it go, be positive, and be her friend.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-unsure-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4971d5da-4605-4716-8d18-41f087d2d4caPost:dc594111-7a4e-4756-85f1-8bbe26c9661a">I'm unsure how to feel about this...</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I am getting married in July and have had my bridal party picked out since last August. One of my bridesmaids has been one of my best friends since college and we've always said we would be in each others weddings. She even made me come meet her new boyfriend to see if I "approved" since I would someday be in her wedding. So, she called last month to tell me she was engaged. I am SO happy for her and I really like her finace. She told me that she is still in shock and hasn't made any decisions about the wedding party. Last week, she posted her wedding website address on her facebook page so I clicked. Only to find out that she did indeed have her wedding party picked out and I didn't make the cut. To make matters worse, she called a few days ago to complain about one of her bridesmaids to me. I was very supportive and told her that everything will be fine and that this girl would come around and be more helpful. I am trying my best to not be upset as I know choosing your wedding party can be stressful but my feelings are very hurt. I have decided to just let it go and not talk to her about it as I don't want to add anymore stress to myself or her wedding planning. Should I be feeling this way? What should I do?
Posted by michaelanddani[/QUOTE]
I can absolutely understand being disappointed about this and finding out the way you did (this is why I advocate not posting wedding planning and WP info on facebook).  But you know from firsthand experience that this is a very personal decision, and you also know that WPs aren't tit for tat.  Did she pick only family?  Lots of people do that.<div>
</div><div>However, if you truly are good friends, I would be curious too.  But there's nothing you can say or do that would be appropriate.  Take a few days and be justly bummed about it, then move on.  Keep your feelings to yourself on the matter.  As close as you are, you weren't owed a spot in the WP.  Maybe she has excellent reasons for not asking you, maybe she has incredibly shallow ones, but in the end it was her decision to make.  </div>

Manwaithiel

Any promises made about being a BM before an engagement are silly. I think it was kind of a bad idea to make them in the first place, but it would make it more petty for you to continue to be upset about it. She's showing really poor form (posting the website on her FB, advertising the WP when she said she had no idea who was in it, complaining to you about her BM, etc.) but that doesn't mean you have to be that way. You're doing great right now by being supportive and just being there for her.

It's okay to be hurt by this, I would be too, but you're going to have let it go at some point if you want to be friends. I do not agree at all with how she's handling this, but you can only control YOUR reactions, you know?

mbcdefg

It's natural to feel bummed if someone you regard as a close friend doesn't ask you to be a bridesmaid.

That being said, do you think she regards YOU as close of a friend as you regard HER? (Hopefully I'm explaining this right.) I mean, I have lots of girlfriends that I consider myself close to ... but at the same time, I know that they have much closer friends than me. Is she the Social Butterfly type? The type who seems to have a million friends?

I don't think you're unjustified in feeling down about this, but I'd do your best to try and shake it off after a day or two. Thinking about it and feeling bad won't solve anything. Plus, it's just an essentially meaningless role for a few hours out of one day of your lives ... not something worth getting upset about. (And like Stina said, you won't have to buy a one-time-use-only dress or shell out your cash and time for other pre-wedding events.)

Manwaithiel

WHY did you delete your OP? You've already been quoted, so it's not like it went away.

Tres rude, sweetie.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-unsure-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4971d5da-4605-4716-8d18-41f087d2d4caPost:7c867138-4096-4201-be52-aab84a7404ba">Re: I'm unsure how to feel about this...</a>:
[QUOTE]WHY did you delete your OP? You've already been quoted, so it's not like it went away. Tres rude, sweetie.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
I don't think it's worth calling it out.  I get the impression she got her advice, doesn't want the OP out here for her friend to see, and is moving on.<div>
</div><div>I get calling out people who go on for three pages insulting everyone then delete everything--they look bad.  This?  Not so much.  But then again DDs rarely bother me, even back when a DD meant deleting the entire thread an all the responses (TK actually banned anyone from reposting a deleted thread for awhile).</div>

Manwaithiel

It aggravates me when people delete like that. Usually if someone puts a disclaimer in their OP saying they might have to delete it in case so and so sees it, it's not a big deal, but this is supposed to be a conversation and, but for your quote, it doesn't make any sense now. It's whatever, I guess.

What do you mean they banned people from reposting deleted threads? Like, putting quotes back up or something?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-unsure-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4971d5da-4605-4716-8d18-41f087d2d4caPost:b4da1acf-3027-46fe-a813-6fa306c3d77f">Re: I'm unsure how to feel about this...</a>:
[QUOTE]It aggravates me when people delete like that. Usually if someone puts a disclaimer in their OP saying they might have to delete it in case so and so sees it, it's not a big deal, but this is supposed to be a conversation and, but for your quote, it doesn't make any sense now. It's whatever, I guess. What do you mean they banned people from reposting deleted threads? Like, putting quotes back up or something?
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
Yeah but it's like her first post or something so I don't see the point in calling her out for not knowing the rules of the game.  Particularly since she was nice about it.  Know what I mean?
<div>
</div><div>Old knot (this version is about a year old) was completely different.  You couldn't quote so you'd just C&P and usually italicize what the person wrote in your thread (similar to the way you sometimes see people respond point-by-point).  The OP could DD by deleting the entire thread, so what people often did when I first came here many moons ago is to repost the entire thread as a C&P.  IMHO, it got a bit out of hand; for example, sometimes people would DD because they posted on the wrong board and someone would repost it like "look what I got!" but I was (and still am) in the minority about that.  <div>
</div><div>So after many beebees complained Knot Annie or someone like that put a sticky on every board saying that if someone wanted to DD that was their right and we couldn't repost.  So people started paraphrasing.  Then the new system came and it all became a moot point. </div></div>

michaelanddani

i apologize for taking the post down. i just felt bad for even bringing it up as it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. amd I felt petty for bringing it up. i do appreciate all the feedback. thanks go everyone who replied!

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-unsure-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4971d5da-4605-4716-8d18-41f087d2d4caPost:3a5fe459-3813-44e3-8620-24de1ca991c1">Re: I'm unsure how to feel about this...</a>:
[QUOTE]i apologize for taking the post down. i just felt bad for even bringing it up as it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. amd I felt petty for bringing it up. i do appreciate all the feedback. thanks go everyone who replied!
Posted by michaelanddani[/QUOTE]

It's okay, it was kind of an overreaction on my part. I'm sorry =(

And I really don't think you're being petty. I think you have a right to be genuinely hurt, it would just be bad to bring it up to her since it is her decision to make and it wouldn't solve anything. I think they way you're handling right now is good and if you keep it up, I'm sure you'll feel better in no time.

graffeo

I understand how you feel. Dont feel petty. Its  undertandable. I had a friend who was engaged and agetting married a month after I was and we both talked that being in eachothers wedding party was not something we could do bc it would cause stress to both of us. Maybe she did not wanna stress you out. Hope your feelin better!!