I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid

LauraMosk263

dont want to make her feel left out

Mrs.B6302007

What do you mean "we plan wedding stuff"?  It's not up to the BMs to help you plan (if they volunteer, great but I doubt she is if she's feeling this way).  Try to see her side of things and don't ask her (or any of your BMs for that matter) to do anymore planning.  That's you and  your FI's responsibility.  Also, don't expect her to be happy 24/7 about a wedding that isn't hers.  It's really hard always being "the single one."

aerinpegadrak

Keep her on a need to know basis.  Just stop talking about the wedding, period.  Even if you don't think you're bringing it up that often, you probably are.  She doesn't want to hear about the wedding so stop.  Talking.  About it.  Period.  All she needs to do is get the dress and show up.  Plan the wedding with your FI, or hire a planner if you can't handle it on your own.

aerinpegadrak

So change the subject.  "Oh, the wedding planning is going just fine.  Have you tried the bean dip?"

MyNameIsNot

I can imagine she's probably pretty hurt about being last in your list of ranked BMs.  Ouch!

Don't talk about the wedding around her.  At all. 

For the dress, give her the info and let her go pick hers out on her own.  Tell her you'll go with her if she wants, or that she can go on her own if she'd rather. 

Mrs.B6302007

Well, August 2010 is still 8 months away.  Just try to be patient and understanding.

lauralaur

I would try to have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you've noticed that she's been upset lately and would she like to talk about it. See if you can maybe help her hash out her feelings about her ex. Beyond that, do your best not to bring the wedding up, at some point she will have to figure herself out and move on from all of this.

Honestly, I'm not sure you could even recommend this to her, but I think she might benefit from some counseling to help her sort through her feelings.

ccannady2

Yikes!  No real advice here, just some sympathy.  It definitely sounds like you haven't tried to dump a lot of the planning on her (as others have suggested).  And, I don't blame you at all for worrying about your day...not at all selfish in my opinion. 

One thought though...consider not doing the bouquet toss...it might really send her over the edge.  This is not something I would necessarily mention right now, but it might make her feel a tiny bit better the day of.  My best friend got married last month, and I hated going out there (even though I'm engaged).  It's really no fun to highlight the single folks! 

ccannady2

If you weren't living and working with her, I'd politely ask if she'd rather not be a BM. Maybe that's what it needs to come to in an honest conversation.  I'm very non-confrontational so I wouldn't want to have this convo, but you can't spend the next 8 months or so walking on eggshells with her, especially because you spend a lot of your time with her.  You won't ever be able to get this time back, and you're going to spend every shower/party worried about her and dealing with her moods.  Even if she doesn't change, I think you should be able to tell her how her comments are completely stressing you out.  It might make you feel a little better, and I personally think you have the right to say it in gentle way.

emilykathleen511

I highly disagree with the advice asking her to step down. I understand that she is being very difficult, and that you are trying your very best to be there for her, but you would be doing the opposite by essentially firing her for not being excited about marriage at the moment.

I would try sitting down with her sometime and having an honest talk with her and ask if there is something you can do to make her feel more comfortable if others are making her uncomfortable with wedding talk. Say that you don't want her to feel that way and it is tearing you up that she feels so badly about it and that you are trying to be there for her. Then let her talk. If she goes off about it, then just leave her be, and try as hard as you can not to talk about the wedding in front of her. If someone else brings it up, just change the subject, then call them back later to talk about it.

LarissaAnn

Please don't ask her to step down!

Sensitive as she is right now, she's likely to take that as, "you're single, so you're not good enough to be in the wedding with us elite paired-off people."  Seriously, it's not worth the additional hurt to her.

Just do your best to avoid wedding talk, and be there for her same as you would during any other period of your life when she was this upset.  Don't think of it in the context of your wedding, think of it in the context of your life and friendship with her.

And just as a friend, remind her she's got tons of time and that her mother and anyone else hassling her is just a PITA and she should ignore them.

Hey, are you close enough to talk to her mother about backing off of her?  They're obviously hurting the situation more than helping it.  Maybe they don't realize that?

stina93446

If you think she's being sensitive over being single, imagine what will happen when you ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid. I am forseeing a ruined friendship. You need to stop talking about your wedding with her as PP have said. You should also probably have a heart to heart with her and ask how she's doing. REALLY ASK her. And no wedding talk whatsoever. 

Mrs.B6302007

Yep, definitely don't listen to the step down advice from candy.  That would crush her.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-really-trying-not-upset-single-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4988f8db-fc70-4357-b8f6-0591e7a930fdPost:ef4d7cc7-9bae-4206-941b-75c202c641b0">Re: I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]If you weren't living and working with her, I'd politely ask if she'd rather not be a BM. Maybe that's what it needs to come to in an honest conversation. 
Posted by ccannady2[/QUOTE]

This is a really bad idea. Don't ask her to step down. If it's that bad, just talk to her about it. If it were me, I would just stop talking wedding stuff around her.

aerinpegadrak

Asking her to step down is possibly the worst advice I've ever heard.  She's done nothing wrong except not be excited enough for you, and if you tell her that because of that, she can't be in the wedding, I would be shocked if she ever forgave you. 

If you don't really care about the friendship, then firing her (because you can't ask her to step down, it's not like she can say no if you do) is the best way to let her know how you feel about her, and to let her find friends who actually care.  But if you value the friendship at all, deal with her as a friend, not as a bridesmaid.

RockChickPiXie

Ok it really sounds like the OP is really going out of her way like seriously bending over backwards to not upset this girl and really my advice is to tell her to grow up and move on with her life.   not to be a biatch but this girl sounds psycho and she needs to be put in her place, her other roommate told her b/f not to come over so much?  seriously?  If this was my friend/roommate I'd be like "I'm sorry you haven't found the right guy for you yet but you are not 40, 50, 60, etc, you have plenty of time to get married and have children and I'm sorry you are unhappy but that doesn't give you the right to make the rest of us miserable too."  Seriously I would ask her sooner rather than later if she feels like maybe being in the wedding is too much for her, that you would love her to be up there with you but you understand if she can't,  put the ball in her court...really to me she just sounds like a selfish crybaby who needs to get a life.

psichick

^^^^ completely agree. this chick sounds like a freaking wack job.

everyone is changing their lives just to make her feel better? fawk that. sit her down and tell her to get over herself and the world doesn't revolve around her (not quite in those words, but you get the point). just flat out tell her that you want her to be part of this event because you care about her, but she's making it very difficult for you and others to enjoy the process and you don't appreciate her behavior and attitude recently. let her know that she's being unreasonable and out of line. if she freaks out on you (which i'm betting she will) then tell her that it might be better if she wasn't a part of the day then.

normally i'm not a fan of asking people to remove themselves from wedding parties, but this chick doesn't even sound like she's worth keeping around as a friend, much less being part of your special day. she just sounds difficult and depressing.

banana468

I think you need to have a big heart to heart with her about the friendship.

Ask her how she's doing and mean it.  See what's happening in her life that's making her feel this way.

Beyond that, I have to echo PPs that it's best not to even talk to her about wedding planning.  If the wedding isn't until the summer and they're choosing their own dresses, leave the attire up to her and do your best not to mention the wedding within reason.

However if an exchange like this takes place:

BM: Hey a package arrived today for you.

You: Great thanks.

BM: What's in it?

You:  Oh, it must be something we need for wedding favors.

BM: (*&(*&)$#()!

Then I think you need to say, "I understand that YOU aren't into this sort of stuff now, but when you say things like that, it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and my feelings get hurt."

The heart to heart is important here.  It's about your friendship and how she treats YOU in your life.  It's not about the wedding but the bigger picture.

momofayden

I agree with the heart to heart.  It seems like you are doing alot to pacify her and she just keeps going.  You are going to need to tell her to knock it off and get with it.  She is the only one focusing on her singleness and making those around her miserable.  She can either continue to live out her breakup over 5 years ago or move on with her life.

My BF got engaged and made me the MOH at her wedding shortly after my break-up and i was pregnant.  BAD NEWS for me.  I simply said, I am excited as hell for you but still a little emotional for me.  I never said anything negative or rained on her parade in any way.  She understood my sadness though and was thoughtful about how much she talked to me about it but i never ever asked her to not talk about her wedding or involve me in plans.  So you can be going through your own personal hell and be supportive of your friend.  She needs a serious wake up call.

salt78

I'd love to know how old you all are...you know since she's so worried about becoming an old maid and stuff.

Mrs.B6302007

Yeah, it does sound like you've tried and she's throwing the world's longest pity party.  Nothing wrong with telling her to shut up (carefully chosen words, of course) when she starts to whine.

MyNameIsNot

You can't really gently suggest she step down.  Everyone knows that they can drop out of the wedding if they want to.  If you bring it up, she's going to hear that you want to kick her out. 

You don't have a BM problem. You have a friendship problem.  Stop thinking about it in terms of your wedding.  You've been friends for 11 years.  Deal with it just like you have in all the other friendship issues that have come up over the years. 

MyNameIsNot

It's starting to sound like you really hate her.

MyNameIsNot

You're going to have to get over it.  Sometimes our friends do things we don't expect or like.  We can't control them.  All we can control is our own reaction. 

If it isn't worth it to be senstive to her, end the friendship.

banana468

You need to be sensitive while assertive to your own feelings.

If she does comment with digs on wedding type or size, just say, "For me, this is perfect and exactly how I want it.  So do you wanna grab a pizza tonight?"

The art of bean dipping while carefully asserting is key here.

Mrs.B6302007

Mrs.B, Ive tried to nicely tell her to shut up when she starts whining, but then I usually get the silent treatment or comments like "well, if it ever happens for me, which it wont, it's gonna be so much bigger and better than yours" or "I'm too smart and I speak my mind, thats why I'm single and youre not, guys dont like it when youre smart"....Now what do I freakin' say to that?

You ignore it and don't play into her game anymore?

ccannady2

My suggestion was to ask her if she'd like to/be more comfortable not being a BM...not fire her! 

Mrs.B6302007

NO!  Don't do something like that.  That's HER decision, especially an online profile.

Mrs.B6302007

Honestly, I wouldn't put any more energy into her behavior.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-really-trying-not-upset-single-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4988f8db-fc70-4357-b8f6-0591e7a930fdPost:fad9acf0-e95e-423b-b0c6-e17b6eb2fb81">Re: I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My suggestion was to ask her if she'd like to/be more comfortable not being a BM...not fire her! 
Posted by ccannady2[/QUOTE]

And that's what I was responding to.  There is no way to do this without it backfiring.  She already knows she can back out if she wants to.  You bringing it up would give her the impression that you want her out.  It doesn't matter how you phrase it, if you bring it up, she's going to hear that you want her out.

MyNameIsNot

She's 22.  She can find someone who will go meet guys with her if she wants, when she's ready.  I really think that she's probably feeling like she's losing her friends but doesn't want to admit it.  Her 2 closest friends are coupling up and moving in with their s/o's.