Freaking out about prego MOH!

HeatherSkye06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:7cec3f8e-c05e-412e-acab-08413011f03a">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]Send her a card and maybe a care package of pampering things she can use while she's stuck in bed (lotions, books, snacks, etc) and tell her (maybe by phone) you're sorry you couldn't visit before the wedding but will definitely be there for her as soon as you can after it.  Don't let her know you're bitter about her not helping (which she probably should have even if she was pregnant as your MOH) but do let her know you have to focus on you right now and will support her after your wedding.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

I am definitely going to visit her over the weekend, choose my words carefully and I love the idea of sending her a care package, if she is confined to bed rest.  Thanks for the suggestion.

Right now, we still don't know what will happen so we are playing the waiting game until her test results are in.  But even if the doctor says she can participate, I am still worried for her.  It's a long day and will be hard on her regardless.  Should I insist she sit out, even if the doctor gives the okay? 

Also, I am confused about these last minute details/etiquette: do I still keep a place setting/escort card for her, if she does not attend "in her honor"?  We are doing a hand fasting at our ceremony and she was to tie them, do pass this option to another bridesmaid?  Do I ask another bridesmaid to step in her place?    What do you do in situations like these?  Help!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:4f84922a-8ac0-4b96-88d1-243164f9805c">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out about prego MOH! : I am definitely going to visit her over the weekend, choose my words carefully and I love the idea of sending her a care package, if she is confined to bed rest.  Thanks for the suggestion. Right now, we still don't know what will happen so we are playing the waiting game until her test results are in.  But even if the doctor says she can participate, I am still worried for her.  It's a long day and will be hard on her regardless.  Should I insist she sit out, even if the doctor gives the okay?  Also, I am confused about these last minute details/etiquette: do I still keep a place setting/escort card for her, if she does not attend "in her honor"?  We are doing a hand fasting at our ceremony and she was to tie them, do pass this option to another bridesmaid?  Do I ask another bridesmaid to step in her place?    What do you do in situations like these?  Help!
Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]
Flexibility is going to be key.  Don't insist on anything one way or another, let her decide.  For instance, you can have a chair available at the front of the church and she can choose whether or not to use it.  I'm sure you can sort out the handfasting at the rehearsal, and if she's not there someone else can step in.  As far as place settings, that's sort of up to you.  How would you handle it if the first you heard that she wouldn't be attending was the morning of the wedding? 

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:7cec3f8e-c05e-412e-acab-08413011f03a">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]Despite what some posters are saying, having a baby isn't always more important than getting married, particularly to your guests.  How many people at your wedding are going to know her personally?  Is it going to be the dominating topic of conversation that day?  I would assume for most of your guests YOU and YOUR wedding are going to be their main concern that day, not some MOH that is on bed rest and couldn't make it.  I'm not saying she isn't important to you but you bending over backward for her a week before your wedding isn't going to be serving your guests in the best way to make them more comfortable on your wedding day.  If you don't want to see her because you don't feel you'll give her the support she needs in person there are other options.  Send her a card and maybe a care package of pampering things she can use while she's stuck in bed (lotions, books, snacks, etc) and tell her (maybe by phone) you're sorry you couldn't visit before the wedding but will definitely be there for her as soon as you can after it.  Don't let her know you're bitter about her not helping (which she probably should have even if she was pregnant as your MOH) but do let her know you have to focus on you right now and will support her after your wedding.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

What?

While I don't agree that "baby trumps wedding" (for some reason, people are in love with this idea) because there are people who are choosing not to have kids and therefore the wedding is one of THE days in their life and they're not waiting for the day they give birth to "trump" that, the rest of your post is kind of crazy.

If any guest of mine said, "I can't believe you spent so much time with your sick friend in the hospital that you neglected to tie my favor ribbons properly or remind the caterer to serve my coffee just right," ...I would kick them out. Seriously. I would tell them they were more than welcome to leave if the event wasn't to their satisfaction. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Unless you know some friends who are just completely absorbed in themselves, I'd say the likelihood of this being a real situation is completely unfounded and that the idea of "bending over backward for someone else is a disservice to your guests" is absurd.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:a863ec84-8060-4c16-b396-4f4f535c1a4a">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out about prego MOH! : I wanted a silver shoe - I should have stuck to my guns - but everyone wanted a matching shoe!  Since, the shoes are dyed - the place they were purchased from won't accept a return.  So I have basically paid for three pairs of shoes.  My costs for MOH: dress(maternity): $295 extra fabric for size: $150 excessive alternations: $175 shoes x3: $300 hair and makeup for day-of: $150 jewelry: $75 her hotel room: $145 --- cost of baby shower: $2,500
Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]

Let me just be sure I'm understanding this:  $620 for the dress w/alterations?  Wowzers.   $150 for hair and makeup~that's seems high for $$ for hair and makeup;  $75 for jewelry~why can't they just wear jewelry that they have?

And now, can you possibly mean that you spent $2500 for baby shower?  WTH are you spending $2500 on for a baby shower?  Really?

HeatherSkye06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:fdaf3d35-8d5f-4c2a-befc-4e868b89fc3d">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out about prego MOH! : Let me just be sure I'm understanding this:  $620 for the dress w/alterations?  Wowzers.   $150 for hair and makeup~that's seems high for $$ for hair and makeup;  $75 for jewelry~why can't they just wear jewelry that they have? And now, can you possibly mean that you spent $2500 for baby shower?  WTH are you spending $2500 on for a baby shower?  Really?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Yes, her dress wound up costing a fortune.  The extra fabric was steep they had to order extra material twice and she's been there for about 5 fittings.  Her baby is very large; they more or less had to remake the dress, and this particular salon is not cheap.

The jewelry and also pashminas are a portion of my gift to them, in addition to something personally selected for each of them.  Hair and makeup averaged around $125-$150 for the artists that travel to the hotel room to do hair and makeup for day of.

And yes, I spent that much on a baby shower.  You are from NJ, right?  I am sure you know Chart House in Weehawkin?  That is where she wanted it....it was $50/plate ... she had 50 guests.

trix1223

Actually, your follow up post has changed my mind.  But the problem here is not her at all.  It's that you can't say no to her. 

She TOLD you to return three pair of shoes and buy new ones for her, because she didn't like them?  And you did? 

SHE wanted a baby shower that would cost $50 pp AND wanted 50 guests?  And you said yes and footed the $2500 bill for that?

Here's my take:  you need to learn to say no to this friend.  She's treating you like she is because you're allowing it.  You don't get to complain if you're not doing anything to stop the behavior.

$2500 for a baby shower.  Good Lord.

HeatherSkye06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:09379216-27b7-45ff-bc60-17bc2131f169">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, your follow up post has changed my mind.  But the problem here is not her at all.  It's that you can't say no to her.  She TOLD you to return three pair of shoes and buy new ones for her, because she didn't like them?  And you did?  SHE wanted a baby shower that would cost $50 pp AND wanted 50 guests?  And you said yes and footed the $2500 bill for that? Here's my take:  you need to learn to say no to this friend.  She's treating you like she is because you're allowing it.  You don't get to complain if you're not doing anything to stop the behavior. $2500 for a baby shower.  Good Lord.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

My finances are in pretty good order (and hers not so much) so I really don't mind the money so much is that she has just been really ungrateful.  She gave me a hard time during my planning when, most times, all I needed was something as simple as an opinion from her.  And because of her pregnancy, I have been extremely passive with her and allowed things I shouldn't have.

But ...I've decided that I would take the advice of one of the people that posted some good advice on this thread.  After the wedding and some time after the birth of her daughter, my MOH and I are going to sit down and have a big talk.  Thanks for listening and for your advice!

bablingbrooke

A baby is 10000x more important than a wedding.  A wedding is a party.  Your guests look at it as nothing more than a glorified dinner party.  They started thinking about it last week.  A baby is, you know, a new person.

My god the wedding industry has done a number on some people.

bdriley

Baby of an ungrateful friend vs. biggest day of your life thus far?  Easy choice.

bdriley

You just don't like me because I see the perspective of the person posting.  And for me it IS an easy choice.  It's the COUPLE'S choice to have a kid, no one else will stop them but it doesn't mean everyone else has to like and/or support it, particularly if their behavior is rude, demanding and ungrateful and only accepted because they're pregnant.  If they are a true friend, support them in all life events.  If they're demanding and take advantage of your kindness, drop them.

Most advice on here merely reflects the group consensus which isn't always the right choice.  I at least give suggestions (i.e., gift/care packages) instead of just saying that's a tacky horrible idea.

bablingbrooke

bdriley: I hope your POV isn't so short-sighted for your own life.  The wedding is just a 5 hour party.  Once it's over it becomes nothing but a memory.  Just like prom, graduation, 21st birthday, etc.  You have a lot of life to live after the wedding and shouldn't make any decisions before the wedding that will negatively impact life after the wedding (i.e. ending a friendship because the girl decided to procreate).

I really hope you don't follow your own advice on these types of things (because I think you'll be unhappy if you do), in which case I'd say don't give it because you shouldn't give advice that you wouldn't be prepared to follow yourself.  I think Belle took that criticism to heart...

bdriley

I'll reiterate.

If they are a true friend, support them in all life events.  If they're demanding and take advantage of your kindness, drop them.

Where's the bad advice in that?

bdriley

BTW who is Belle?

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:61da5245-e9dd-4d22-aa6b-1ad604c9b8df">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You just don't like me because I see the perspective of the person posting.</strong>  And for me it IS an easy choice.  It's the COUPLE'S choice to have a kid, no one else will stop them but it doesn't mean everyone else has to like and/or support it, particularly if their behavior is rude, demanding and ungrateful and only accepted because they're pregnant.  If they are a true friend, support them in all life events.  If they're demanding and take advantage of your kindness, drop them. <strong>Most advice on here merely reflects the group consensus which isn't always the right choice</strong>.  I at least give suggestions (i.e., gift/care packages) instead of just saying <strong>that's a tacky horrible idea</strong>.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

1) Wrong. I actually don't have any like or dislike towards you. I dislike the majority of the advic eyou give out.

2) Yes, it's the couples' choice. This MOH has been going through a difficult pregnancy. It doesn't affect the bride's day at all to go visit the MOH in the hospital.
3) I don't give advice because it's the "group consensus". I give advice that its appropriate, polite, and based off a different perspective. Unlike you who apparently "gives the perspective of the OP". Is that another way of just saying you're reaffirming whatever the OP says?

4) Getting married doesn't give someone any right to be so selfish. Your advice seems to consistently act as selfish as the bride wants. I think Brooke hit the nail on the head with her reply to you.

bablingbrooke

Belle used to post here who gave really short-sighted, bad advice to people (i.e. "Don't send out TYs if you don't want to" or "Totally kick this girl out of the WP if she isn't excited to help you plan!") then admitted she'd never follow any of it herself and after she got called out for doing that, she disappeared.  I think she got some things to think about.

I think your advice is well-intentioned but puts disproportionate emphasis on the wedding.  A wedding is a huge deal when you're engaged.  The next day you'll feel so silly that you attached so much importance to little things.  If you'd dump a friend over the same thing with no wedding involved, go ahead.  But I'd say 95% of the time, that's not the case on here.  This sounds like one of those cases.  

I also think people (particularly those who have just started posting) tend to be a bit taken aback by the bluntness of the boards and want to tell the bride that she can do whatever feels right because it's her wedding.  The problem is that in doing that, she may be burning some bridges she doesn't want to burn.  I've been married for 14 months and let me tell you, the wedding is a blur to me.  The WP got me and DH pretty smashed about an hour in and I just remember dancing and partying.  It goes by so quickly.  It isn't worth 99% of the heartache I see on here.  So I will never, ever advocate ending friendships over something that will not only go by in a flash, but is impossible to ruin! 

bdriley

Point taken bablingbrooke.  Some things aren't worth ending friendships over and the woman here may decide that she wants to visit her friend but if I were her and this friend continually took advantage of me the way it sounds like this maid of honor has both in not supporting her wedding, being financially irresponsible with choosing a dress too expensive for her budget, rejecting the group choices of the bridal party after things were paid for, and being unappreciative about the baby shower she threw at her own expense I would think seriously about ending the friendship.  She's treating the bride like a tool and I doubt that would change after she has the baby.

On the other hand, we don't know the other side of the story either and I can only give my opinion on how the situation is presented and not how I speculate the bride has skewed it.

bablingbrooke

And I think that's a totally fair point: We don't know the whole story and it could be that this is the last straw in this relationship--weddings have been known to show peoples' true colors and some MsOH turn out to be really crappy friends.  I guess I'm a little cynical about it because for every one time that actually happens, fifteen others just exaggerate what a dirty, rotten scoundrel the MOH/BM/FSIL/SOB/FMIL is and how they are the 100% innocent party in the matter.  Most of the time both parties have done something wrong.  I tend to assume that the bride shares some responsibility for the friendship getting to the point it's gotten to, because it's just so rare for a person to be 100% innocent in the end of a friendship, wedding or no.  What percentage of the blame the bride gets definitely depends on the situation.  

A dose of perspective also tends to help.  Some (many) people think that the wedding is the end-all-be-all but it's really a beginning, and when all is said and done it's a glorified dinner party.  So if you wouldn't have ended the friendship anyway, I tend to say suck it up and talk about it after the party's over.

bdriley

Maybe that Belle person left because she finally got married and didn't need The Knot anymore.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:ad021cd4-52e4-42af-9e27-884dc5dccc16">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe that Belle person left because she finally got married and didn't need The Knot anymore.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

Nope, she still posts sometimes on E. But good comeback.

bdriley

I wasn't aiming for your respect StageManager14.  My comment was an alternative possibility to the one brooke made about Belle getting upset about critcism and just never posting again.  If YOU have a problem with me, then YOU don't have to agree with me.  No one does. But trying to be belittling about an opinion I post on an OPINION board is ridiculous.

To the bride who originally posted, I hope things work out whatever you decide and I caution you from taking any advice from people who don't know the whole situation which is pretty much everyone on this board, including me.

HeatherSkye06

Just wanted to give a little follow up to the original post and thank everyone for listening to my rant and offering your advice, especially those that were respectful while doing so.  And despite all the drama, our wedding day and honeymoon were fantastic!  Now I am wondering why I ever worried at all...

In the end, my MOH was not part of our day as she did give birth via caesarean three days prior (and she is the mommy of a beautiful, healthy baby girl!).  I did manage to get to the hospital the day before my wedding for a quick visit to her and her little blessing and brought her a care package and her wedding gifts (still no thank you for these, either - not that I was really expecting one at this point!)

Overall, my initial rant was just the result of frustrations because of how poorly I was treated by her.  It has probably been this way all along and the wedding just highlighted it.  My conversation with her this morning reaffirmed that feeling, as I listened to her rant on this phone this morning about how she now has to spend her Coach bag / shopping money on things for baby instead of herself.  I had absolutely no response for that...I was shocked and actually a bit sickened.  She and I will talk about it all ... someday, but I feel neither of us are ready just yet.