Bad news groomsman

ldcf11206

Ok, so my fiance and I are in a pickle.  Or maybe it's just me.  One of my fiance's groomsman is just trouble waiting to get caught.  In my fiance's younger days, he & this guy were troublemakers together.  I'm talking bad trouble, like drugs & DUIs.  My fiance has since "outgrown" this behavior and has turned his life around.  He is the perfect family man and I can't wait to marry him.  Except, this groomsman needs to get the boot.  The groomsman has not grown up...he is still getting into trouble with DUIs.  In fact, as we speak he is currently serving weekend jail time.  

I do not like this guy and I don't understand why my fiance wants to still be friends with him.  This guy doesn't live & learn, he just lives & lives the same mistakes over & over.  He is kind of a loner which is I guess maybe why my fiance wants to still be there for him --- because nobody else will.  

How do I get my fiance to realize that this guy is bad news & he just needs to lose communication with him & let him go on with his troublemaking life??  I am so frustrated over this.  I hate this guy and my fiance refuses to remove him from the wedding.  Yes, I know the whole deal about how you can't ask someone to remove themselves from the wedding, but I think this is a different situation.  

Help! 

bablingbrooke

Oh boy are you playing with fire.  You can't.  If you think you can and should tell him who to be friends with, especially guys he was friends with long before you entered the picture, you have a lot of growing up to do before you get married.  What you ought to do is ask yourself why you are with someone who wants to keep people like this in his life, and whether you are okay with that.

And no, this is not a different situation.  You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

MyNameIsNot

You cannot choose your FI's friends.  He is an adult and will probably have a lot of friends over the years that you don't love.  But as long as he is an adult and is behaving himself, you are out of line to suggest that he should sever his friendship. 

And you would be out of line to suggest that this guy should be removed from the wedding.

gottahavashorti

Unless he's been trying to get your FI in trouble or doing something to hurt him, I don't think this is a different situation. 

If he wants to reevaluate the friendship after the wedding, that's fine.  Remember that he has a long history with this friend, and the friend may have good qualities that you don't realize.  He may also want to make sure that he is there to help the friend if he ever does decide to clean up his act.

Some of my favorite people consistently make poor choices and either don't learn from them or continue to make the same poor choices once they realize they're bad.  They're not bad people at heart - they are good people who make awful decisions.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-news-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4aa115aa-5388-4357-97cb-b5c1b2319c97Post:ea294111-5425-4a79-a01e-e56367353280">Bad news groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE] Yes, I know the whole deal about how you can't ask someone to remove themselves from the wedding, but I think this is a different situation.   Help! 
Posted by ldcf11206[/QUOTE]

I am dying over brooke's response to this! And as usual she's right...your situation is not different.

Your FI loves this guy regardless of his mistakes. You, therefore, need to be able to put up with him for a few hours during which you will barely speak to him - the total time of ceremony plus pictures. You don't need to sit with the WP, try a sweetheart table or sit with your families. His poor choices don't make him a bad GM.

SarahPLiz

This is a friend issue, not a wedding issue. Even if he wasn't inthe wedding, he would still be your FI's friend (unless FI kicked him out)

You can't choose FI's friends, but you can talk to him about how uncomfortable you are around him, and let your FI know your concerns. However, he is a grown man and probably just has hopes that his friend will see the wonderful life that is available when you leave all those things behind.. he wants to save his friend, and you can't fault someone for that. As long as your FI is not in danger of backsliding, there is nothing really wrong..

lyndausvi

DH had a friend like that,  they have a history that goes back to the 2nd grade (DH is 38 now). I do not want to be *that* girl who breaks up a friendship.  As long as this friend does not take DH down the wrong path I just deal with the friend.

People who are in toxic relationships need to break things off on their own and not because someone else forces them to.

mbcdefg

Ditto the others ... as long as your FI is acting right, then it is not your place to say that he can't be friends with this guy. And ditto those who said that this is not a special exception to, or a different situation than, the "Don't kick people out who don't deserve it" mantra. If he gets the tux/suit and shows up on time, and doesn't do anything hurtful to you or your FI in the meantime, then he's done his job.

You don't have to like him. You don't have to like what he does. You don't have to spend time with him if you'd rather not. But if your FI wants to be his friend and this guy isn't hurting your FI or you, then you DO need to be respectful of their friendship. You don't have the right to say that he should be kicked out of the wedding just because you don't personally care for him.

You don't have to be his buddy on the wedding day. You are going to be so busy and people are going to be pulling you in a million different directions ... you will probably not have time to speak to this man even if you wanted to. Even though he'll be in some formal photos, it's not like you need to stand there and have a chat with him. Be polite if he does talk to you, but that's as far as you need to take it.

Plus, if this guy truly doesn't have his act together, then maybe he really DOES need a friend to help him get things right. Your FI could be the positive influence that this dude needs.

And, hey ... if he's really the bad news guy that you say he is, maybe he'll be in jail for your wedding and you won't even have to worry about him being there. But if you nag your FI over this or demand that he kick his buddy out, you will quickly earn yourself a reputation as the "biitchy wife" in his group of friends. (Not saying that you are one, but I'm just saying that some groups of guys are like that.)

stina93446

You're wrong. This is not YOUR problem. You HAVE a problem with one of his friends, but you can't dictate who he is friends with. If you do, this will only lead to arguments and resentment towards you. I would back off this issue and just worry about something else.

mbcdefg

But let me ask ... exactly what kind of influence does this guy have over your FI?

If he borrows/steals money from your FI ... if he's always trying to talk your FI into doing really bad stuff and persists when FI says he's not interested in that kind of thing anymore ... if your FI gets into a car with this guy and the driver (either him or your FI) is drunk ... if this guy wants your FI to hold onto drugs for him or something ... then, yes, I absolutely think you have the right to talk to your FI and strongly suggest that he cut this guy from his life. (This is piggybacking on what Babling said about questioning why you would elect to spend your life with a man who voluntarily chooses to associate with people like this.)

However, if you just don't like this guy because he does questionable stuff on his own time ... he tells raunchy jokes ... he can't hold down a job ... he can't save a buck ... etc. ... then this is something you just need to let go. Like PPs said, sometimes good people just make bad choices.

And like PPs, I have several friends that I really like as people, but where I just shake my head and wonder why they can't get their shiit together. FI has some friends like this too ... and while I don't really approve of the way they lead their lives, FI still comes home after hanging out with them and he's clean, sober, not dead-broke, didn't get into a car with a drunk driver, and he remains 100% faithful to me. So who am I to say that he can't spend time with these people? He's not letting their behavior rub off on him, so who cares?

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-news-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4aa115aa-5388-4357-97cb-b5c1b2319c97Post:ea294111-5425-4a79-a01e-e56367353280">Bad news groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my fiance and I are in a pickle.  Or maybe it's just me.  One of my fiance's groomsman is just trouble waiting to get caught.  In my fiance's younger days, he & this guy were troublemakers together.  I'm talking bad trouble, like drugs & DUIs.  My fiance has since "outgrown" this behavior and has turned his life around.  He is the perfect family man and I can't wait to marry him.  Except, this groomsman needs to get the boot.  The groomsman has not grown up...he is still getting into trouble with DUIs.  In fact, as we speak he is currently serving weekend jail time.   I do not like this guy and I don't understand why my fiance wants to still be friends with him.  This guy doesn't live & learn, he just lives & lives the same mistakes over & over.  He is kind of a loner which is I guess maybe why my fiance wants to still be there for him --- because nobody else will.   How do I get my fiance to realize that this guy is bad news & he just needs to lose communication with him & let him go on with his troublemaking life??  I am so frustrated over this.  I hate this guy and my fiance refuses to remove him from the wedding.  Yes, I know the whole deal about how you can't ask someone to remove themselves from the wedding, but I think this is a different situation.   Help! 
Posted by ldcf11206[/QUOTE]

Honestly, it sounds like it's not you and FI's problem - it is "just you" as you questioned in your first line of your post.
If your FI has since left the bad behavior behind and cleaned up his own life and become the perfect family man that you can't wait to marry, then what is the issue here other than you not liking his friend? Are you perhaps worried that your FI will backslide into the drunk driving / drugging lifestyle that he once shared with this guy but has since left behind? If that's the case, then you need to address those issues with your FI and express your concerns...BUT if he is indeed the perfect family man you cannot wait to marry then have some trust in him that while his friend still engages in those behaviors, it doesn't mean FI will. As long as he's not getting into the same car as this drunk driving friend or otherwise jeopardizing himself and your life together, then I think you need to stay out of it. You can't dictate who your FI will be friends with - he's an adult who is faithful and responsible, right? Then trust him to remain that way - even if his friends are acting otherwise. If he thinks he's outgrown the friend, he will end the friendship on his own but it doesn't sound like he's of that mindset so I think you need to learn how to accept that you're not going to love all of FI's friends even though you love your FI.

banana468

Ditto PPs.  You can't tell your FI to stop being friends with him however as a future wife, you can express your opinions with what he's doing in appropriate fashion.

Your FI is a grown man.  You need to respect him as one.

ldcf11206

The way I feel right now relates to a quote I once heard - "people ask for advice when they know the right answer, but wish they didn't." 

I've read all of what each of you has said and I've taken to heart the responses from mbcdefg and CTGirl30. 

Thank you!!!!!

SarahPLiz

hmph. Im sorry the rest of us didn't tell you what you wanted to hear..

jeannigirl

All of the advice was very honest and very good? Cheers to all the gals for some great insight into this matter. Even if only two were chosen out of the mix that she liked better.

SarahPLiz

Yes, because we all essentially said the same thing..

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-news-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4aa115aa-5388-4357-97cb-b5c1b2319c97Post:ca33a35d-ed74-43bb-9119-7df38025e7fe">Re: Bad news groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, because we all essentially said the same thing..
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Based on the responses she chose, I guess she needed reassurance that just because the friend is doing these things, her FI won't fall back into his old ways?

ldcf11206

[QUOTE]All of the advice was very honest and very good? Cheers to all the gals for some great insight into this matter. Even if only two were chosen out of the mix that she liked better.
Posted by jeannigirl[/QUOTE]

yes, i only chose 2 out of the mix that i liked the most, because believe it or not, you all don't know me personally & therefore don't understand that i tried to make a long story short.  the advice that i picked out was the advice that i thought most closely related to my personal situation.  if i didn't pick out your advice & specifically say "thank you," that doesn't mean you gave bad advice, it just means that maybe i didn't think you understood exactly where i'm coming from.  so to those of you who have a problem with that, get over yourselves. 

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-news-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4aa115aa-5388-4357-97cb-b5c1b2319c97Post:99475711-6d9a-4fdb-bbed-cd7303a6530d">Re: Bad news groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, i only chose 2 out of the mix that i liked the most, because believe it or not, you all don't know me personally & therefore don't understand that i tried to make a long story short.  the advice that i picked out was the advice that i thought most closely related to my personal situation.  if i didn't pick out your advice & specifically say "thank you," that doesn't mean you gave bad advice, it just means that maybe i didn't think you understood exactly where i'm coming from.  so to those of you who have a problem with that, get over yourselves. 
Posted by ldcf11206[/QUOTE]


Coming from someone whose advice you DID specifically accept:

Of course we don't know the whole story, because you didn't give it to us.

I'm guessing you just accepted the advice from me and the other person because we just happened to throw in the caveat of, "It may be appropriate to talk to your FI about this guy if he's truly screwing your FI over in some way, rather than just being a douche that you don't like."

We've gotten other posts on this board that have basically said things like, "I want my FI to kick out the Best Man because he doesn't clean his toenails and he tells inappropriate 'Your Momma's So Fat' jokes that I don't like." So of course if people here don't know the whole story, they're not just going to automatically agree with you that your FI ought to ditch this guy. Ugly toenails and annoying jokes (and yeah, even doing drugs on his own time ... again, unless he's driving or something) may be gross to deal with, but they're really no reason to ditch a friendship.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-news-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4aa115aa-5388-4357-97cb-b5c1b2319c97Post:99475711-6d9a-4fdb-bbed-cd7303a6530d">Re: Bad news groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, i only chose 2 out of the mix that i liked the most, because believe it or not, you all don't know me personally & therefore don't understand that i tried to make a long story short.  the advice that i picked out was the advice that i thought most closely related to my personal situation.  if i didn't pick out your advice & specifically say "thank you," that doesn't mean you gave bad advice, it just means that maybe i didn't think you understood exactly where i'm coming from.  so to those of you who have a problem with that, get over yourselves. 
Posted by ldcf11206[/QUOTE]


Coming from someone whose advice you DID specifically accept:

Of course we don't know the whole story, because you didn't give it to us.

I'm guessing you just accepted the advice from me and the other person because we just happened to throw in the caveat of, "It may be appropriate to talk to your FI about this guy if he's truly screwing your FI over in some way, rather than just being a douche that you don't like."

We've gotten other posts on this board that have basically said things like, "I want my FI to kick out the Best Man because he doesn't clean his toenails and he tells inappropriate 'Your Momma's So Fat' jokes that I don't like." So of course if people here don't know the whole story, they're not just going to automatically agree with you that your FI ought to ditch this guy. Ugly toenails and annoying jokes (and yeah, even doing drugs on his own time ... again, unless he's driving or something) may be gross to deal with, but they're really no reason to ditch a friendship.