BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.

jkrok5955

So I need the opinion of some other brides!

I wanted to keep my bridal party to a certain number. With that said I only had two open spots for friends. I have two friends who I've known for almost nine years. A few years ago I wouldnt have thought twice about not asking them to be bridesmaids. But then life happened and we grew apart a little bit. We still hang out and talk but not as much as we used to and sometimes we even have trouble coordinating dinner.  Then I have two friends who I am extremely close with, talk to every day and see almost every weekend but we have only known each other for about a year or so. 
 
I decided to ask the two girls I'm currently closer to to be in the wedding. The two friends that I've known longer I asked them if they would care if I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. Both of them responded no and they'd be happy just to come as guest and not have the hassle of buying the dress, ect. But then I mentioned that I asked the other two to be in the wedding and now they are hurt.

They say that everything is fine but I get the feeling they are really hurt. So what do I do? I really could never imagine getting married without them but I didnt want giant bridal party. Do I deal with a big bridal party and ask them? My fiance said I made the wrong choice and I should've asked the firends I know longer.  help!

gurrlballa10

Your first mistake was telling the other two they weren't in it (or asking them if it's okay).  They would have figured it out on their own without you pointing it out.

I wouldn't ask them at this point, since, IMO, they would think it would be because you felt sorry for them that they got their feelings hurt.  Maybe ask if they want to be readers, but otherwise just let them come as guests. 

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:a0dd888f-5f82-404f-b105-e46981325aa4">BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]So I need the opinion of some other brides! I wanted to keep my bridal party to a certain number. With that said I only had two open spots for friends. I have two friends who I've known for almost nine years. A few years ago I wouldnt have thought twice about not asking them to be bridesmaids. But then life happened and we grew apart a little bit. We still hang out and talk but not as much as we used to and sometimes we even have trouble coordinating dinner.  Then I have two friends who I am extremely close with, talk to every day and see almost every weekend but we have only known each other for about a year or so.    I decided to ask the two girls I'm currently closer to to be in the wedding. The two friends that I've known longer I asked them if they would care if I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. Both of them responded no and they'd be happy just to come as guest and not have the hassle of buying the dress, ect. But then I mentioned that I asked the other two to be in the wedding and now they are hurt. They say that everything is fine but I get the feeling they are really hurt. So what do I do? I really could never imagine getting married without them but I didnt want giant bridal party. Do I deal with a big bridal party and ask them? My fiance said I made the wrong choice and I should've asked the firends I know longer.  help!
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

<div>The only wrong choice you made was explaining to them why they weren't in the wedding party. Seriously, you just shouldn't have mentioned anything. If you had just left it be they would have eventually realized that they weren't in the party and the other girls were, but they would have assumed you had your reasons. The way you explained it though made it really sound like you had mentally decided to replace the older girls with the newer girls. Imagine how you would feel if one of them did this to you?</div><div>
</div><div>My advice would be to accept the damage is done- just try to be a really good friend to the other girls and don't bring up an excess of wedding stuff or talk about the other bridesmaids too much. It will blow over a lot quicker if you stop talking about it. You're not a bad person, you just got kind of excited and made a gaffe. You say that you have trouble coordinating dinners and such - maybe go the extra mile to not be the problem and to spend some time with them. </div><div>
</div>

jkrok5955

thats just it - the reason I asked them was so that they didn't just have to figure it out on their own. I've been in enough weddings were the was too much drama and I felt it was better to talk it out and be honest with them.

jkrok5955

and I guess what I was really trying to ask is was I wrong for asking the two girls that I am closer to?

Do you guys think I made the wrong decision.

jkrok5955

I didn't write this post to be judged or called a crappy friend. I wrote in hopes that maybe my choice of picking the girls I'm closer to would be justified because now I am second guessing myself.

And personally I thought it was wrong to just not ask them and then not talk to them about it and let them figure it out on their own.

lls31

It doesn't matter whether or not you were wrong in asking the women you are closer to.  The decision has been made and there is nothing to do about it.  

Same with the fact that you specifically told your old friends that they would not be in your wedding.  It's over and done with now.  

Second guess all you want, but realize that you can't change the decisions that were already made.

jkrok5955

No one specifically said that - but made it feel that way when saying it was a mistake to even saying anything.

I stand behind my decision to let them know up front rather than figure it out for themselves. We've always been open and honest with one another.

What I was really looking for out of this post was feedback from other brides on who they would have chosen in the situation - the friends they've known longer or the ones they are closer to.
 
Maybe I should havew shortened the post or clarified that from the beginning. My fault.

lls31

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:7afcc2d3-1838-414b-a0c5-03f7f6da0882">Re: BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]No one specifically said that - but made it feel that way when saying it was a mistake to even saying anything. I stand behind my decision to let them know up front rather than figure it out for themselves. We've always been open and honest with one another. <strong>What I was really looking for out of this post was feedback from other brides on who they would have chosen in the situation - the friends they've known longer or the ones they are closer to. </strong>  Maybe I should havew shortened the post or clarified that from the beginning. My fault.
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

<div>I have quite a few female friends and I am close with all of them.  I couldn't decide, so I chose not to have any friends as my BMs.  Instead, I have my sister and FSIL.  I couldn't be happier with my decision.</div>

jkrok5955

thank you.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:2691b9b1-c843-4428-8802-d47d87377a49">Re: BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]and I guess what I was really trying to ask is was I wrong for asking the two girls that I am closer to? Do you guys think I made the wrong decision.
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

Only you can answer this, but I can tell you I have had friends whom I grew super close with quickly, only to never see years later..

and then I have lifelong friends with whom I could go MONTHS without talking to, yet know I can call them up crying at 4 am and they wouldn't give it a second thought....Personally, I think THOSE friends are the ones I would choose over the ones I talk to every day but just met BECAUSE I know the friendship is so deep that I don't have to worry if my life gets so busy, I can't call them for awhile.... but that is me.

Only you know if your choice was right or wrong, but I do think you can't really invite them now as they will view it as consolation prizes for sure

.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:a0dd888f-5f82-404f-b105-e46981325aa4">BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]So I need the opinion of some other brides! I wanted to keep my bridal party to a certain number. With that said I only had two open spots for friends. I have two friends who I've known for almost nine years. A few years ago I wouldnt have thought twice about not asking them to be bridesmaids. But then life happened and we grew apart a little bit. We still hang out and talk but not as much as we used to and sometimes we even have trouble coordinating dinner.  Then I have two friends who I am extremely close with, talk to every day and see almost every weekend but we have only known each other for about a year or so.    I decided to ask the two girls I'm currently closer to to be in the wedding. The two friends that I've known longer I asked them if they would care if I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. Both of them responded no and they'd be happy just to come as guest and not have the hassle of buying the dress, ect. But then I mentioned that I asked the other two to be in the wedding and now they are hurt. They say that everything is fine but I get the feeling they are really hurt. So what do I do? I really could never imagine getting married without them but I didnt want giant bridal party. Do I deal with a big bridal party and ask them? My fiance said I made the wrong choice and I should've asked the firends I know longer.  help!
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

Only you can answer this, but I can tell you I have had friends whom I grew super close with quickly, only to never see years later..and then I have lifelong friends with whom I could go MONTHS without talking to, yet know I can call them up crying at 4 am and they wouldn't give it a second thought....Personally, I think THOSE friends are the ones I would choose over the ones I talk to every day but just met BECAUSE I know the friendship is so deep that I don't have to worry if my life gets so busy, I can't call them for awhile.... but that is me.Only you know if your choice was right or wrong, but I do think you can't really invite them now as they will view it as consolation prizes for sure

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:7afcc2d3-1838-414b-a0c5-03f7f6da0882">Re: BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]No one specifically said that - but made it feel that way when saying it was a mistake to even saying anything. I stand behind my decision to let them know up front rather than figure it out for themselves. We've always been open and honest with one another. What I was really looking for out of this post was feedback from other brides on who they would have chosen in the situation - the friends they've known longer or the ones they are closer to.   Maybe I should havew shortened the post or clarified that from the beginning. My fault.
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

<div>In my experience, it's more of a slap in the face to be considered for something and passed over than to not be considered for it at all. There are a few ladies I might have asked to be in my bridal party whom I ultimately invited as guests. I would never take away from their enjoyment of the day by telling them that I <em>almost </em>wanted them up there with me but not enough to actually ask them.</div><div>
</div><div>If your friends are close enough that you felt like you <em>had </em>to explain your decision to them, they're probably close enough that you should have asked them, too. I didn't feel like I <em>had </em>to explain my decisions to anyone.</div><div>
</div><div>I chose my friends who were closest for the longest to both me and my DH--because that was what I wanted and those were the ladies who I really felt could stand up for our union.</div><div>
</div><div>However, in all of my ruminations, I always personally leaned toward known-longer, not feel-closer-to-now friends (no one with whom I've been friends for less than 6 years was under consideration for the roles).</div>

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-those-youve-known-the-longest-or-those-who-you-feel-closer-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d7faa39-0ba2-4fdf-82a8-75ccb4db8d53Post:21654466-f271-4f79-8521-994224ba4c6c">Re: BMs - those you've known the longest or those who you feel closer to.</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't write this post to be judged or <strong>called a crappy friend.</strong> I wrote in hopes that maybe my choice of picking the girls I'm closer to would be justified because now I am second guessing myself. And personally I thought it was wrong to just not ask them and then not talk to them about it and let them figure it out on their own.
Posted by jkrok5955[/QUOTE]

No one here said anything even remotely close to that.  If you feel like someone's telling you that, that someone is your conscience. 

Yeah, you screwed up.  The adult thing to do is to apologize to your friends, learn from it, and try not to be so thoughtless again.  The childish thing to do is throw a tantrum that someone could have the audacity to point out that you did something wrong.

ETA: And I don't see how knowing what other people would have done could possibly help your situation.  That might have helped before you chose to act as you did, but what's done is done, and knowing that others would have done it differently doesn't change that.