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No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?

So my best friend convienced me to have my bachelorette party back in the state that I grew up in.  Originally I wanted to do it somewhere else but agreed because in the end it would end up by being more economical for more of my friends and more people could attend.   All of my friends live in 5 or 6 different states so no matter what most of them would have to travel. 

I find out 3 weeks before the date that she didn't send anything out to my friends so they hadn't booked flights and didn't know what the cost was going to be.  I asked that she send something to everyone and recieved a message that she was too busy with work and her kids and it would be ok if it was just us because we would still have fun.   Two weeks to the date I finally decided to tell everyone not to try to traveling seeing as flights had already gone up to $700+.  I found out from three of my other friends that they offered to help plan everything and never recieved phone calls or emails back.

I decided to bring my fiance back with me and make it a vacation seeing as no one else would be going.   My Maid of Honor got upset that I was bringing him back there because now we couldn't hang out like we used to. 

I understand putting your family first because I would do the same, I am just not sure that I understand letting my party fall through because you are too busy when other people offer to help.

I have not been one of those bridezillas and am really trying to figure out if I am over acting or not.  I feel like a real friend no matter what would have made sure that it would have worked out despite how crazy things are for you.  I kind of feel like maybe I need to let her know that I don't want her in my wedding party now as a result of this.  I understand that maybe we won't be friends after but I think for me she already showed what a true friend she was at the time.

Thoughts??????

Re: No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-due-maid-of-honorwhat-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4eb1ff5a-f7ce-4281-9c46-61797300972cPost:8a688d67-1a44-468a-858e-105f72de29da">No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my best friend convienced me to have my bachelorette party back in the state that I grew up in.  Originally I wanted to do it somewhere else but agreed because in the end it would end up by being more economical for more of my friends and more people could attend.   All of my friends live in 5 or 6 different states so no matter what most of them would have to travel.  I find out 3 weeks before the date that she didn't send anything out to my friends so they hadn't booked flights and didn't know what the cost was going to be.  I asked that she send something to everyone and recieved a message that she was too busy with work and her kids and it would be ok if it was just us because we would still have fun.   Two weeks to the date I finally decided to tell everyone not to try to traveling seeing as flights had already gone up to $700+.  I found out from three of my other friends that they offered to help plan everything and never recieved phone calls or emails back. I decided to bring my fiance back with me and make it a vacation seeing as no one else would be going.   My Maid of Honor got upset that I was bringing him back there because now we couldn't hang out like we used to.  I understand putting your family first because I would do the same, I am just not sure that I understand letting my party fall through because you are too busy when other people offer to help. I have not been one of those bridezillas and am really trying to figure out if I am over acting or not.  I feel like a real friend no matter what would have made sure that it would have worked out despite how crazy things are for you.  I kind of feel like maybe I need to let her know that I don't want her in my wedding party now as a result of this.  I understand that maybe we won't be friends after but I think for me she already showed what a true friend she was at the time. Thoughts??????
    Posted by dre_8913[/QUOTE]

    B-parties are not requirements to get married.  I get that you're disappointed that you're not having a b-party,  so be disappointed today.  Then let it go.

    Because you'll still have the part that matters:  you'll be marrying your FI.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited July 2010
    So...by refusing to throw you a party, she's shown that she isn't a true friend?

    I can understand you being upset, frustrated, and disappointed.  But she wasn't under any sort of obligation to throw you a party.  Your other BMs could have done so; my BMs threw my bach party and my MOH wasn't involved at all by choice.  It's not like she breached some major MOH duty.

    I think you need to calm down.  This is a fresh disappointment and you're still emotional.  I know that when I make decisions while still hurt, I always, without exception, regret them.  I think you need to step back here.  She had family and work commitments that trumped your party.  That sucks, but that's also life.  Being a grown-up really sucks sometimes, and not being able to throw/attend a party due to more important demands on your time is one of them.  It sounds like she didn't have much control over it.  Yes, she should have told you sooner, but is it possible she found out very late and couldn't do anything about it?  If so I don't think she did anything wrong.  Don't punish her by putting her kids and her job before your party.  MOHs are allowed to have lives of their own and even though she's MOH, the wedding is still YOUR thing, not hers.  She has every right to put her own life before your wedding.

    ETA: Learning how to roll with the punches when things don't go exactly the way you want them to will serve you very well in marriage.  Even the happiest of couples have unexpected disappointments and problems, and learning how to move forward despite that is a skill that all adults, married or single, need to have.  Like trix said, be disappointed for a day then move on.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-due-maid-of-honorwhat-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4eb1ff5a-f7ce-4281-9c46-61797300972cPost:8a688d67-1a44-468a-858e-105f72de29da">No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my best friend convienced me to have my bachelorette party back in the state that I grew up in.  Originally I wanted to do it somewhere else but agreed because in the end it would end up by being more economical for more of my friends and more people could attend.   All of my friends live in 5 or 6 different states so no matter what most of them would have to travel.  I find out 3 weeks before the date that she didn't send anything out to my friends so they hadn't booked flights and didn't know what the cost was going to be.  I asked that she send something to everyone and recieved a message that she was too busy with work and her kids and it would be ok if it was just us because we would still have fun.   Two weeks to the date I finally decided to tell everyone not to try to traveling seeing as flights had already gone up to $700+.  I found out from three of my other friends that they offered to help plan everything and never recieved phone calls or emails back. I decided to bring my fiance back with me and make it a vacation seeing as no one else would be going.   My Maid of Honor got upset that I was bringing him back there because now we couldn't hang out like we used to.  I understand putting your family first because I would do the same, I am just not sure that I understand letting my party fall through because you are too busy when other people offer to help. I have not been one of those bridezillas and am really trying to figure out if I am over acting or not.  I feel like a real friend no matter what would have made sure that it would have worked out despite how crazy things are for you.  I kind of feel like maybe I need to let her know that I don't want her in my wedding party now as a result of this.  I understand that maybe we won't be friends after but I think for me she already showed what a true friend she was at the time. Thoughts??????
    Posted by dre_8913[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yeah, it sucks that she didn't follow through with her plans of a b-party for you and didn't get the help from your other BM that were willing to help but kicking her out of your WP because of this is a bit extreme (and you will look like a bridezilla to pretty much everyone).  Also, your wedding isn't until <strong>JAN. '11</strong>.  You have plenty of time to have a b-party.  If another one of your BM steps up and wants to plan one for you then have it a few days before your wedding when all of your BM are in town.  But this is only if someone else <em>offers</em> to throw you one.  This way no one has to fly out special for it.

    </div>
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  • If your wedding really is in Jan '11, why have the bach party now?  Mine wasn't even remotely in the planning stages 6 months before our wedding; they started planning three months out and held it the weekend before the wedding.  And yes, I also lived out of state from all my BMs.  On the other side of the country, in fact.
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  • Nice catch, everyone.  I usually check out wedding dates, but didn't this time. 

    OP:  If your wedding actually is 6 months away, you really need to chill on this.  And even if your wedding was in 3 weeks, I'd still advise you to sit on this for at least 72 hours, and then see how you're feeling. 

    Because I have a pretty strong feeling that if you throw a temper tantrum over a party and kick your MOH out of the wedding, people will talk about one of you.  And here's a hint:  it's not going to be your MOH.


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Why do you need to have the bach party in 2 weeks? Why can't you push it back a couple months so all your friends can get plane tickets etc?
  • Bachelorette parties are usually way closer to the date of the wedding, usually the weekend before. There is no need to have it right now. There is still plenty of time to plan the party.
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  • You can also plan your party yourself, then invite your friends. They can go if they can & want to go. For you, it seems like it may be a little more difficult for everyone to go since they have to travel. Your party would still be fun even if it is very small. Make the most of it. I want to help plan my bachelorette party because I think it would be fun to do. I may even do most/all of the planning because I think it will be fun. This is also because I know that my bridal party won't be able to afford to throw me a party, unless circumstances change later on. You can't just think of yourself. YOu have to think of your friends too. You ask them to be in the wedding to stand by you, but it is not right to make them stress if they don't have time to plan the party (or in my case, the funds too).
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  • Planning your own bach party is a big etiquette no-no.  If no one throws one for you, you don't have one.  Like a bridal shower or engagement party.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-due-maid-of-honorwhat-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4eb1ff5a-f7ce-4281-9c46-61797300972cPost:4dd53798-b3dc-4f7c-b24a-d358053c42b4">Re: No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can also plan your party yourself, then invite your friends. They can go if they can & want to go. For you, it seems like it may be a little more difficult for everyone to go since they have to travel. Your party would still be fun even if it is very small. Make the most of it. I want to help plan my bachelorette party because I think it would be fun to do. I may even do most/all of the planning because I think it will be fun. This is also because I know that my bridal party won't be able to afford to throw me a party, unless circumstances change later on. You can't just think of yourself. YOu have to think of your friends too. You ask them to be in the wedding to stand by you, but it is not right to make them stress if they don't have time to plan the party (or in my case, the funds too).
    Posted by hisalwaysandforever[/QUOTE]

    OP, this is not ok.  Do not plan your bach. party. It is horribly tacky.  If your friends can't afford to throw you a party, then you don't get one.  Plain and simple.  You get to plan one party and that is your reception.  I promise that your wedding will still be legitimate if you don't have a bach party. 
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  • This MOH lead the OP to believe that she had in fact organized a bachelorette party. That is not right to mislead the OP like that. After misleading the OP, this MOH gives this lame excuse that she was too busy. If she was too busy to organize this, she should have said so from the beginning instead of deceiving the OP that she had organized everything. The MOH also rejected offers of help from the other BMs. These other BMs were willing to organize this.

    I don't blame the OP for being upset. This MOH was very deceitful and irresponsible.

    If this has caused the OP to not value the friendship any more, then the OP should remove her from the WP. That will end the friendship for good. The OP shouldn't have a MOH that she doesn't want to have. Things change and life goes on.
  • I empathize with your disappointment.  She shouldn't have promised something and then not delivered without being clear.  That said, I agree with the other posters that you will have time closer to the wedding. Those same ladies that stepped up and offered to help now should most certainly do the same later.  :)  Don't worry too much.
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  • I didn't have a bachelorette party.  My MOH had a newborn and an unemployed husband, and my BMs were scattered all throughout the country and couldn't afford to travel a second time.  Yeah, it was a bit disappointing.  But all complaining is going to do is make you sound childish.  "Nobody threw me a party, isn't it tragic."

    Take five minutes to sulk and feel sorry for yourself.  Then move on.
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  • Be bummed in private for a while, then move on. There's no polite way to ask someone to throw a party for you, or complain that you didn't get a party. You're not owed one.

    My bachelorette was a week before my wedding. Chill out for now. Maybe you will get one later. And if not, deal with it like an adult.
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  • My B-party is going to be about 2 or 3 days before my wedding (according to my sister the MOH). You'll be just fine.

    Do not kick her out.
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  • I never realized it would be so horrible to plan the bachelorette party. I always thought it would be helpful & fun. Thank you for letting me know that it is not ok, bablingbrooke and vsgal! Seriously, it is very good to know! Smile
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  • I think it's fine to be a bit hurt that she just didn't do what she said she'd do.  That's not living up to your word and I think you are right to be sad that she didn't do that.

    BUT, I think you need to move on.  As PPs said, if you're getting married in six months, why the rush?
  • sabatronsabatron member
    100 Comments
    edited August 2010
    Whoa, what are you doing having a bachelorette party so soon?  That's a little overzealous/AW-ish. I haven't even had mine yet and I'm getting married in like 8 weeks.  I'd be pissed, but I'd probably just roll with it... it's not yours to plan.  You still have like 6 months, so maybe you'll get a second shot at one.
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  • I just want to take the other side for a second.  My BMs and MOH planned my bachelorette weekend in New Orleans (10 weeks before the wedding, I might add).  We bought the plane tickets and everything and then two weeks before we were to leave, my MOH called me up and said that going to NO "wasn't her thing" and "she wouldn't have any fun".  I was disappointed beyond belief that my best friend was backing out.

    But you know what?  I went with my other friends, didn't give her a second thought, and had a blast.  If you have other friends that want to throw you a party, then have fun!  And if MOH can't attend because of other obligations, so be it.

    It sucks that she convinced you to come back home when it seems like that's not what you wanted to do and then bailed.  For everyone else on here that is giving you a hard time because "you're throwing a tantrum because she won't throw you a party", it's not about the party, it's about someone that you love and trust not being accountable for what they say they are going to do.  But just talk to out with her and while you won't forget, you will be able to forgive!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-due-maid-of-honorwhat-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4eb1ff5a-f7ce-4281-9c46-61797300972cPost:1bac9a5c-b04c-46da-b8a1-6c27d883f1c0">Re: No Bachelorette Party Due to Maid of Honor....what to do now?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just want to take the other side for a second.  My BMs and MOH planned my bachelorette weekend in New Orleans (10 weeks before the wedding, I might add).  We bought the plane tickets and everything and then two weeks before we were to leave, my MOH called me up and said that going to NO "wasn't her thing" and "she wouldn't have any fun".  I was disappointed beyond belief that my best friend was backing out. But you know what?  I went with my other friends, didn't give her a second thought, and had a blast.  If you have other friends that want to throw you a party, then have fun!  And if MOH can't attend because of other obligations, so be it. It sucks that she convinced you to come back home when it seems like that's not what you wanted to do and then bailed.  For everyone else on here that is giving you a hard time because "you're throwing a tantrum because she won't throw you a party", it's not about the party, it's about someone that you love and trust not being accountable for what they say they are going to do.  But just talk to out with her and while you won't forget, you will be able to forgive!
    Posted by ShilohR[/QUOTE]

    <div>Actually, I'm pretty sure almost everyone DID say that it sucked that she didn't follow through on what she said and that was crappy of her. The point that everyone was trying to make is that it would be MUCH crappier to kick her friend out of her wedding over it. It is not THAT big of a deal. She wasn't owed a party.</div>
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  • Every single person said they empathized with her disappointment and that her feelings were totally legit.  However, that's no reason to boot her from the WP, especially since 1) she has LOTS of time to have one and 2) someone else can easily step in and throw one for her now.  But to take the MOH behind the shed for "failing" to complete her duties (especially because she had personal things come up) would be the larger faux pas and just plain D-baggy.
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