Need some guidance... Kind of complicated.

horsegirl2000

I have asked two of my friends to be in my wedding. My maid/matron of honor has been pretty distant lately and has backed out on the girls' nights we've planned, etc. I know she's had a lot of family issues going on and hasn't really felt like socializing much. I've been trying to plan to meet her for lunch, just the two of us, but it has really seemed like she's avoiding me. So, the other day a mutual friend told me my MOH told her she isn't really into the idea of being in the wedding anymore but doesn't know how to tell me. My question is, should I try to open up a discussion about it, or wait and see if she brings it up? I don't want to do anything that will make it worse. Yes my feelings are hurt somewhat but if she really doesn't want to do it.... I still want her standing up there with me but not if she doesn't want to. Help?

bablingbrooke

Unless you've gotten it from the horse's mouth (no pun intended re: your SN), you don't know if she actually said that.  Many times on this board I've seen brides act on "airtight" info like this and it turns out it was the other person making things up.  It was wrong for your other friend to betray a confidence like that.

If the friendship is on the rocks, address the friendship--leave the wedding out of it.  Do what you would do if there were no wedding involved.  You wouldn't just say, "Do you still want to be friends?" you'd go out for coffee and say, "Is everything alright?"  The way you relate to your friends needn't change just because you're engaged, and it shouldn't.

If this is the friend who is divorced that you mentioned in the other post, maybe she's feeling blue that she's going to be around a wedding and she's recently divorced.  Maybe she's sick of hearing about wedding plans.  Maybe she's got umpteen other things going on in her life and can't think about being in a wedding right now.  You'll never know until you talk to her.  But if a friend is being distant, the LAST thing you should do is discuss whether she should still be in the wedding, but rather work on the friendship.  Just like you would if there were no wedding involved.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-guidance-kind-of-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4f6038b4-db5a-4a22-a14d-859bade8e084Post:17b78d19-5ed6-4043-9097-2e7fcab3e24a">Need some guidance... Kind of complicated.</a>:
[QUOTE]I have asked two of my friends to be in my wedding. My maid/matron of honor has been pretty distant lately and has backed out on the girls' nights we've planned, etc. <strong>I know she's had a lot of family issues going on and hasn't really felt like socializing much. </strong>I've been trying to plan to meet her for lunch, just the two of us, but it has really seemed like she's avoiding me. So, the other day a mutual friend told me my MOH told her she isn't really into the idea of being in the wedding anymore but doesn't know how to tell me. My question is, should I try to open up a discussion about it, or wait and see if she brings it up? I don't want to do anything that will make it worse. Yes my feelings are hurt somewhat but if she really doesn't want to do it.... I still want her standing up there with me but not if she doesn't want to. Help?
Posted by horsegirl2000[/QUOTE]
<div>Just wanted to highlight this and say she likely needs some space, so just make yourself available to her and let her come to you when she's ready.  Again, this should have NOTHING to do with the wedding.</div>

horsegirl2000

Thanks..... I hope she comes around. We've been good friends for several years now and she has seen me through good times and bad.... I've done the same for her. I really want her to be part of this day.

Manwaithiel

I agree with Brooke. Let her have her space, even besties need space sometimes, and see what SHE says. Pretend like the other girl made up what she said about your MOH. I'm not saying she's a liar, but she may have overheard something that she shouldn't have or taken a statement out of context. Miscommunication is one of the biggest relationship enders across the board. Just let her say how she feels and only take feelings SHE verbalizes as fact.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-guidance-kind-of-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4f6038b4-db5a-4a22-a14d-859bade8e084Post:e4d2bf17-0687-47d6-af9a-ca4076fbf16d">Re: Need some guidance... Kind of complicated.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks..... I hope she comes around. We've been good friends for several years now and she has seen me through good times and bad.... I've done the same for her. I really want her to be part of this day.
Posted by horsegirl2000[/QUOTE]
I'll also share with you something going on with my BFF in hopes that it helps you.
<div>
<div>My BFF is getting married in September and another friend and I are her BMs (they were BMs in my wedding).  We got together last month for the first time since my wedding over a year ago (we all live in different states) and it was very clear by the end of the weekend that the friendship with this girl was not what it used to be for either of us--she was distant, texting other people all weekend, and just not being herself.  It was weird because that's never, ever happened and when asked about it, she just shut down.  <div>
</div><div>However, she isn't talking about how this girl needs to be gone from the wedding.  She actually said, "If I never see her again after the wedding, it's okay, I still want her in it--we've been good friends for too many years to end it like this."  Both of us are confident that the friendship isn't over, but in many ways it isn't the same.  And that's okay--we were 18 and 20 when we met, we're 26 and 28 now--things change.  I know that even if I don't keep in touch with that girl, I won't regret she was in my wedding, and my BFF won't either.</div></div></div>

sister2groom

Worry about connecting with your, because if you can better connect with her, chances are she'll feel more comfortable sharing whatever's going on that may or may not affect her ability/desire to stand up with you.

horsegirl2000

Thanks.... I'm trying but it's hard when I can't even get her to meet up with me. I'll try the space thing.... I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her though.

I am starting to wish we'd just eloped....