.

nicoleflores2005

 

loop0406

I think it is about money. You, yourself have known her situation and that's why you bought her dress and shipped it to her. Not sure why she emailed and not called you but I find that dishearting, if she feels you are her bestfriend then she should have called you sooner with all these issues. She is leaving it up to you to exchange the dress and up to you if you still want her at the wedding....her statement on 'I either visit you or visit him' means she is choosing him, after all, he is her boyfriend and is on verge of deportation. I would be understanding regarding the boyfriend and try to exchange the dress for a smaller one BUT I would call her 1st and ask if you do exchange the dress to fit her, will she make it to the wedding or not?  It appears she's not sure..

bablingbrooke

I skimmed that novel so my apologies if I'm not 100% on the facts.

1.  You don't tell your BMs your expectations about their financial contribution.  You ask each one individually for her price ceiling and find something that works within that limit.  If that limit is unacceptable to you (which should trigger a "come to Jesus" moment about what weddings are really about, but that's a discussion for another day) then you get to pay the difference.

2.  Showers, bach parties, and other pre-wedding events are not, repeat, NOT mandatory.  None of my BMs could come to my shower because they all lived OOT, and my MOH didn't come to my bach party.  I survived, still had a wonderful wedding, still am on speaking terms with all BMs nearly a year later.

3.  You need to put your wedding on the back burner here and deal with a friend who is making terrible life choices.  Now there's only so much you can do to convince a friend to not date her coke-dealing loser of a BF.  Leave the wedding out of it and talk about her relationship.  I guarantee that this will be a greater issue than how it affects your wedding.  Plus to make it about your wedding comes across as selfish, even if it isn't.  

What would I do in your situation?  Cover the costs so my friend wouldn't have this on her plate, try to be supportive of her as a friend first (which is what you are in all of this), and realize that a wedding is more important than the label on the BM's dress.  She can get a less expensive dress somewhere else--the MOH can be different and no one will bat an eye.  That's what the MOH did in my friend's wedding--we BMs all wore one dress and the MOH, who was very strapped for cash, got a complementary dress elsewhere.  

emilyinchile

If that is a verbatim copy and past of her e-mail that I would be ashamed to have a "friend" like you posting an e-mail I sent to you in confidence around the internet.

You should NOT have told her how much it would cost to be in your wedding upfront. No one is obligated to give you a party, and you should base your BM dress selection on your BMs' budgets.

Pull your head of out bridezilla-wedding-land and be a friend to someone who is supposedly close to you and is currently two months late on her bills and dealing with her boyfriend (screw up or not) potentially being deported. Help her with the dress if you want or let her wear a dress she already owns, but at the very least tell her that you still hope she can come as a guest.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:66d74d3b-f9e9-4ab0-bc45-6a080b47d891">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]If that is a verbatim copy and past of her e-mail that I would be ashamed to have a "friend" like you posting an e-mail I sent to you in confidence around the internet.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>Well said.</div><div>
</div><div>And now that I've read it in a bit more detail, as the wife of a war refugee from the middle east, I dislike the tone you take about her "modest background" and the fact that she emigrated here as a child.  That is neither here nor there in the issue at hand.</div>

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:3d6aba06-b7f6-4392-9471-dac261a58212">Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]I got engaged in October 2009.   My best friend was one of the first people I called, and I asked her to be my maid of honor (like I have always dreamed she would be).   She accepted.   I made the mistake of not having an up-front, crystal clear discussion with her on finances.   I should have asked her point blank what she could afford and what it was probably going to cost to attend my wedding.   Instead, I told her that I would like to help her out with some of the expenses and that was it. For the record, all I have asked of her so far is to wear a bridesmaid dress on the day of the wedding, and to attend my bach party.  Since she lives 6 hours away from me (and the location where the wedding will take place), my other bridesmaids are helping me plan, stuff envelopes, etc.     She comes from a very modest background.   She emigrated to the US when she was 9 years old.   During high school she shared a room with her younger brother in a tiny, crowded apartment.   She is now working hard to put herself through college, still living at home with her parents and plugging away.   Since becoming engaged, I have talked to her a few times on the phone and a few times over email about stuff for the wedding.   I offered to pay for her bridesmaid dress and had it shipped to her house (she lives 6 hours away from me).        Now, we are 4 weeks away from the wedding.   I have a bridal shower / bachellorette party coming in up in 2 weeks.   She has known about this for at least 1.5 months.   I asked her if she would be able to attend and she told me she wouldn’t miss it for the world.   Today, I get this email –  <em>(e-mail deleted to protect OP's poor "friend")</em>   I should mention that this guy “Joe” is her boyfriend.   He’s been to prison once already for dealing cocaine.   He is currently being held in a detention center pending deportation (he was caught working illegally), but it sounds like he might be released.   Honestly, her relationship with this guy has been coming between us for years.     How would you deal with this?   I don’t understand if it’s really all about money and she is too embarrassed to say so, or if she is really choosing Joe over me.   Any insight?  
Posted by nicoleflores2005@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:a170000c-9684-4098-bf18-92f4bfa850a6">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies) : In the first part, is she saying that she has to choose one or that she can't make it to both? She is asking you for help with her dress in order to come to your wedding. How would I deal with this?  The answer is pretty obvious.  If you really care for her so much you would be helping her exchange the dress or telling her to wear whatever she has that will fit. Even if she is saying that she is choosing between you and him, since she is in a relationship, she should choose her boyfriend over you.  Granted she should be choosing herself above everyone else, meaning she shouldn't be with this guy in the first place, but whether you like it or not, you will always be second place to the boyfriend, just like you should always choose your FI over a friend. Also, Ditto everything emily and brooke said, especially about your condescending tone about your friend.  Really, if you weren't so caught up on her means, you would have been able to see that she is clearer having trouble with her dress fitting, not about getting to the wedding.
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the input.  I am really puzzled by the "condescending tone" comment.  Truly puzzled. 

janedoe1113a

Ok, I really think you need to take a step back from the situation (and this thread) for a little while and relax.  You're getting way more worked up over this than you need to be.

If you really want her at your wedding, help her exchange the dress and help her with expenses.  But at this moment, I think the last thing you need to be worrying about is your wedding.  It sounds like your friend is having lots of problems and you need to be there for her.  That should be your main priority right now, not trying to get her to your wedding.

bablingbrooke

Nicole, seriously, you need to take a chill pill, have a glass of wine, then come back to this.  You're coming across as a brat and I know that's not who you really are.  Everyone's entitled to a "bride" moment now and then, but you're just whipping yourself up into a tizzy and when you post future questions on this or other boards, frankly that's all that people are going to remember about you and won't take you seriously.

MairePoppy

It sounds like your friend is in a desperate situation. She's not trying to back out of your wedding for flimsy reasons. Read the letter again, she is far behind in her bills and is losing weight (possibly from not eating). Attending your wedding would probably be a big luxury for her.

You did the right thing, initially, by buying her dress. Don't spoil your good deed with anger. Call her, asap, and find out whether exchanging that dress for her would enable her to attend. If you can offer help with transportation, do it.  I'm guessing that still would not be enough help for her. If she  says no, be gracious about it. Let her know she is still your best friend. You never know when you might find yourself in similar circumstances.

JoyTate1

"It's been a long time since i've poured my problems to your ears, but i've have learned to deal with my problems by myself;..... you have no idea how many times i've needed my bf to be with me."

Sounds like she is begging for a friend, not a hand out.  I think she really just needs someone to talk to and be there for her right now.  I would offer to help with anything you can and just sit and listen to her.

I do have to agree that you should not have posted her e-mail.  A gist of the letter would have sufficed.  Having had a friend post personal things I have sent her, it is a trust breaking /friendship ending thing to do.  Especially one with so much personal info.

Celles

I don't understand why you're attacking Emily, OP.  She makes a valid point: if I were your best friend, I would feel betrayed -- seriously.  betrayed. -- to read my very personal e-mail to you on an Internet message board.  It's especially bad because you're using your e-mail address as a user name.  All anyone who knows you has to do is Google you (looking for your registry, perhaps?) to find it.  If you care about your friend enough to be heartbroken over her situation, then I would strongly suggest editing the original post to paraphrase rather than quote verbatim the e-mail she sent you in confidence.

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:b9bec188-8a99-4dd8-9f4d-ef8995f3b9dc">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]Nicole, seriously, you need to take a chill pill, have a glass of wine, then come back to this.  You're coming across as a brat and I know that's not who you really are.  Everyone's entitled to a "bride" moment now and then, but you're just whipping yourself up into a tizzy and when you post future questions on this or other boards, frankly that's all that people are going to remember about you and won't take you seriously.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

You did not read what I wrote, then you flamed me based on not reading what I wrote, AND you had the gall to call insinuate that I am being elitist.  That is what really steams me.

Excuse me, but you don't know me AT ALL.  And I could care less if you or anyone else in the clique thinks I am a brat.  I am here to plan my wedding, not be in your little club. 

I hate to say this but I feel like I got attacked for asking an honest question.  And frankly, I don't know that I will ever post a question like this on TK again. 

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:6bd1f9e2-9336-443c-afe9-8eb7fe2e6e3c">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why you're attacking Emily, OP.  She makes a valid point: if I were your best friend, I would feel betrayed -- seriously.  betrayed. -- to read my very personal e-mail to you on an Internet message board.  It's especially bad because you're using your e-mail address as a user name.  All anyone who knows you has to do is Google you (looking for your registry, perhaps?) to find it.  If you care about your friend enough to be heartbroken over her situation, then I would strongly suggest editing the original post to paraphrase rather than quote verbatim the e-mail she sent you in confidence .
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

I didn't see it that way when I posted it.  But I forgot that my SN is still my email.  Ok.  Will edit the original post to protect her privacy. 

bablingbrooke

And I qualified my original post by saying that I may not have been right about the facts and apologized in advance if I got anything wrong.  I apologize again.  Sheesh.  Next time don't post a dissertation's worth of personal information.

Reread your tone.  If you were an objective person reading that, what would you think?  You condescend about a friend who comes from humble beginnings as if that is at all related to what is going on now.  It is not.  The fact that you brought it up at all speaks to the fact that you look down on her (why else would you mention it unless you thought it somehow spoke to her character?) and again, it is not at all related to the issue at hand.  Not one bit.  

Finally, you repost VERBATIM a personal email that she sent to you.  Not cool under any circumstances.

frenchy730

First thing first, click the "edit" button, delete the e-mail, and instead paraphrase what she said to you.  Easy fix.

Now, my advice.  Do what you feel is right.  It sounds like even though you don't approve of her boyfriend, she still feels a strong sense of responsibility to that relationship.  I am sure it was probably a very tough choice for her to decide between helping her boyfriend and being there for your wedding.  Is she hoping you will be able to pay for her plane/train/auto fees to get to the wedding?  Is this at all possible?  I'd do it for my bff if I could. 

Good luck to both of you!

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:d2abd653-9f50-4ca2-81ff-751cbd93eafd">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]And I qualified my original post by saying that I may not have been right about the facts and apologized in advance if I got anything wrong.  I apologize again.  Sheesh.  Next time don't post a dissertation's worth of personal information. Reread your tone.  If you were an objective person reading that, what would you think?  You condescend about a friend who comes from humble beginnings as if that is at all related to what is going on now.  It is not.  The fact that you brought it up at all speaks to the fact that you look down on her (why else would you mention it unless you thought it somehow spoke to her character?) and again, it is not at all related to the issue at hand.  Not one bit.   Finally, you repost VERBATIM a personal email that she sent to you.  Not cool under any circumstances.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

No.  I don't take that away from what I wrote at all.  I think you are making unfair assumptions about me. 

bablingbrooke

I can only respond to what you write.  If what you wrote isn't a fair representation of who you are and what you think, only you can remedy that.  And since I'm not the only one to come to that conclusion, merely the first one to post as such, it doesn't seem like it was an entirely unreasonable conclusion to draw.

nicoleflores2005

"She comes from a very modest background.  She emigrated to the US when she was 9 years old.  During high school she shared a room with her younger brother in a tiny, crowded apartment.  She is now working hard to put herself through college, still living at home with her parents and plugging away."

Whatever.  I don't get how this screams insensitive on my part.  If anything, I just said it because I wanted people to know that she is working hard on her degree and doesn't have disposable income.

 

bablingbrooke

Her ethnicity, nationality, and family background are not at all germane to the issue at hand and you know it.  You could have just said, "She's putting herself through school and has very little disposable income."  If sharing a room with a sibling as a child is an indication of future poverty just about all of us are screwed financially.  But I'm through trying to talk sense into you.

JoyTate1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:eb0ee42c-3553-4b35-9b8d-a5da13562d47">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]" She comes from a very modest background.   She emigrated to the US when she was 9 years old.   During high school she shared a room with her younger brother in a tiny, crowded apartment.   She is now working hard to put herself through college, still living at home with her parents and plugging away." Whatever.  I don't get how this screams insensitive on my part.  If anything, I just said it because I wanted people to know that she is working hard on her degree and doesn't have disposable income.  
Posted by nicoleflores2005@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

An easy way to say that is "She is working hard on her degree and doesn't have disposable income."  Her immigrating and living a small apartment as a child has nothing to do with her current situation.  It seemed like you were saying, "She was a poor kid and an immigrant, so, of course she is still poor"-which, is pretty bratty.

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:f4fd76c0-ee48-4f3d-9223-a5cbd8fd30bd">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]Her <u>ethnicity (<strong>um, where did I mention her ethnicity, which by the way is the exact same as mine?)</strong></u> nationality (<strong>same question?</strong>), and family background are not at all germane to the issue at hand and you know it.  You could have just said, "She's putting herself through school and has very little disposable income."  If sharing a room with a sibling as a child is an indication of future poverty just about all of us are screwed financially (<strong>whoa -  did I say that?</strong>)  But I'm through trying to talk sense into you.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Good. 

bablingbrooke

Thank you, Joy, for articulating it better than I could.

The Mel and Todd Show

Wow. 

I feel really bad for your friend right now, and was pleased to see that you conceded to the fact that you need to take a step back from being the bride to being her friend.  I truly respect someone when they say "you know, I didn't see it that way before now...I'll try that" because MOST people only want to hear their words parroted back to them.  So good for you for acknowledging that you were initially wrong to feel slighted that her life had taken precedence over your wedding. 

WITH THAT BEING SAID:
Hi.  I'm Mel.  I'm new here.  You too?  Oh, cool, we have something in common.  Now that that's out of the way, dude...wtf?  I've seen you be chill on other boards.  I think we shared a moment once last week.  Wtf?  You're imploding.  It's not cool to get all angsty on people who are only responding based upon the information with which you provided them (twatface?  Really?  Emily's face is lovely.  LOVELY).  You're having a bad day.  I get it.  It would be best to scale back on the face/vagina references.  It won't do you well to resort to name calling anywhere, but it could be especially destructive on a messageboard where name calling is frowned upon.  Lurker or not, nobody here knows you by anything other than the 60+ posts on your profile...you just committed the internet equivalent of showing up at a stranger's party, breaking a lamp, and slapping their sister.  Try some meditative breathing, call your friend and make sure she's okay, and maybe step away from this thread for awhile...it's not helping you right now to fight about this with strangers when you should be talking about it with your friend.  You'll feel better tomorrow, and then you should come back and tell us how you're doing.   

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:b8d0b24d-7fc3-4fb7-9070-11fe05ab634d">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]  you just committed the internet equivalent of showing up at a stranger's party, breaking a lamp, and slapping their sister.  
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

<div>I nominate this for quotable quote of the week!  </div>

gottahavashorti

Talking about her having immigrated and shared a room with her brother in a small apartment implies that you think that is the reason for her financial situation.  That situation describes my mother exactly, except a sister instead of a brother and a tiny house instead of an apartment by the time she was in high school.  While those two situations are similar, that doesn't mean that all immigrants have to share bedrooms or that your friend's immigration has anything to do with her finances.

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:24a7bda4-8ff1-48c9-8b7a-fe6a96b98d97">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies) : An easy way to say that is "She is working hard on her degree and doesn't have disposable income."  Her immigrating and living a small apartment as a child has nothing to do with her current situation.  It seemed like you were saying, "She was a poor kid and an immigrant, so, of course she is still poor"-which, is pretty bratty.
Posted by JoyTate1[/QUOTE]

I don't get it.  I included that information because I wanted people to understand that she has not had the opportunities that all of my other friends, and myself, have had.  It is being taken completely the opposite way of what I intended. 

nicoleflores2005

I'm not here to be friends with anyone.  I'm just trying to figure out how to handle my situation. 

bablingbrooke

Alright, I said I gave up, but your last post is ridiculous.  Many immigrants come here flush with money and connections.  Many others do not.  Many Americans are privileged, others are not.  And circumstances can wildly change. The family of the richest girl in my junior high class lost all their money in the stock market in 2008 and now live in a very modest house.  She had her wedding there--small, family only, cake-and-punch affair, not the lavish country club party that she would have had if life had turned out a little differently for her and her family.  It's irrelevant what her circumstances were like growing up.  It's relevant what her circumstances are like now.  Same with your friend.

The issue at hand is her choice of bf, her financial situation, and her ability to be in your wedding.  Where she was born, what her finances were like growing up, and what house she lived in make no difference whatsoever when the issue is whether or not she is going to be in your wedding.  So why bring it up other than to send the message, "Why should I be surprised?  She was always a poor immigrant and is still a poor immigrant, and that's why she makes bad choices."  And as you can see, I'm not the only one who drew that inference.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:082ae650-e37a-47da-a694-c7f8c8724bc7">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not here to be friends with anyone.  I'm just trying to figure out how to handle my situation. 
Posted by nicoleflores2005@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Nobody is going to help you build your castle if you keep kicking sand in their face.  This is pretty basic stuff here. 

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-broken-hearted-bride-long-apologies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:509d4bf8-eab7-450c-9982-74d6eaed1f49Post:d595e82a-5bdd-4e42-bf30-b50363b87eda">Re: Advice for a broken-hearted bride? (Long, apologies)</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, I said I gave up, but your last post is ridiculous.  Many immigrants come here flush with money and connections.  Many others do not.  Many Americans are privileged, others are not.  And circumstances can wildly change. The family of the richest girl in my junior high class lost all their money in the stock market in 2008 and now live in a very modest house.  She had her wedding there--small, family only, cake-and-punch affair, not the lavish country club party that she would have had if life had turned out a little differently for her and her family.  It's irrelevant what her circumstances were like growing up.  It's relevant what her circumstances are like now.  Same with your friend. The issue at hand is her choice of bf, her financial situation, and her ability to be in your wedding.  Where she was born, what her finances were like growing up, and what house she lived in make no difference whatsoever when the issue is whether or not she is going to be in your wedding.  So why bring it up other than to send the message, "Why should I be surprised?  She was always a poor immigrant and is still a poor immigrant, and that's why she makes bad choices."  And as you can see, I'm not the only one who drew that inference.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I knew you would be back.   I think you love arguing with me.

I don't know how to respond.  That wasn't my intention at all.  I speak Spanish, my grandparents came to this country from Mexico last century.  It's not a race thing, it's not an immigration thing.  I should not have pointed it out (obvious to me now based on the responses I'm getting) but I guess I just wanted people to know she's had a tough time.