BM Venting

TaraNSmith03

So, I know I am going to get negative comments, but here we go.

I have a bm that I have been friends with for 5 years.  It has been a laundry list of problems, and I guess I have made it worse by accommodating her.  I am not sure I know how to accommodate her "last" request. 

Two weeks after getting engaged I asked her to be one of my bm's.  She said yes and then a couple weeks later the drama started.  First of all, she asked what pre wedding events we were going to have.  I told her just a bridal shower, rehearsal and the wedding that I knew of.  She said that was good because she didn't want to do too much.  So, I asked her if this was ok, and she said yes she would be in the wedding. 

Well, we are having a simple wedding, and I was trying to find sale or clearance dresses.  At first I told the girls the color, and told them they could find their own dress in that color.  Well my bm didn't like that idea and thought it was stupid.  So, I went out shopping.  Well, she is a size zero and everyone else is a 6+.  It was impossible to find the same dress in her budget and her size.  So, we went back to the different dresses same color idea.  She has thrown a fit about this for months, but I LOVE all of the dresses that were picked out.  She says my idea was tacky.  I let this go. 

Then it was time to plan the bachelorette party; which she said she wanted to help throw with my mh.  My FSIL is not 21 yet, and my MH wanted her to be able to attend, and this bm said it was dumb.  She said no one under 21 should attend.  Well, this hurt my FSIL's feelings.  The bm said she was coming and made sure things were done her way, and then 3 days before the party she backed out. When she emailed to tell me she would not attend.  I wrote her simply, I am not sure how to respond to this email at this time...have a nice weekend.

Now we are three weeks to the wedding and she still wont speak to me, and so I emailed all the girls to tell them about the hair and make-up I booked for the wedding day.  I explained to them that I will be paying for this as part of their gift.  She wrote me back and said she would not be attending this, and asked what time did she need to show up for pictures because that is all she would be attending. 

I do not want to lose a friend, but almost feel that I have.  We have not "talked" in over a month.  She will only email or text.  I have tried to accommodate all of her wishes, but the last email makes me wonder what I should do. 

I am NOT wanting to replace her.  She is the ONLY wedding stress I have had.  ( I booked a venue that came with almost everything,and everyone else has been awesome!)  I just think it is sad that my only stress is coming from one of my best friends.

gottahavashorti

It does sound like she's being difficult.  As far as hair and makeup go, though, that's something nice you're doing for them but not really a 'gift' since it's solely for your wedding.  She does have the right to opt out of hair and makeup, so just let her know what time she needs to arrive in order to get dressed and start pictures.

Is there something going on either in her life or between the two of you that is not wedding related?  There could be an issue that you don't know about.  Otherwise, she just might not be all that into weddings, so wait it out and hopefully she'll come around once the wedding is over.

TaraNSmith03

Thank you for being kind. 

She and I used to talk all the time (up until a month ago), and she didn't mention anything.  I could be wrong, but I do know before I got engaged she was upset that she will turn 31 in 2010, and doesn't have a boyfriend.  I can't help but think that is some of the problem.  I am not sure.

Kathryn and Fraser

As a very good friend of mine likes to say, weddings have a way of polarizing relationships. Some people you may have been kind of so-so over can turn out to be amazing support for the wedding and consequently end up a close friend. Then other people who you considered friends suddenly become selfish and nasty.

A good bridesmaid knows to keep unhelpful opinions to herself. For example, my aforementioned friend will say, "Okay, you want mint green ballet flats with silver embroidery, then we'd better start looking because they'll be really tough to find," and NOT "Green shoes with a white gown? You may want to rethink that."

As a bride, you have a responsibility to not make life difficult for your bridesmaids, but in agreeing to BE a bridesmaid, they agree to be supportive.

Your bm is being so so so so mean and selfish. Do you want to look at your wedding pics for the rest of your life and see her in them and be reminded of the stress she gave you rather than the joy of the day? I think you're right - that friendship is over. She's shown you a side that in my opinion is pretty unforgivable. I would cut her loose. She's already not talking to you so it's not like it would change anything.

If you do keep her as a bm, expect her behaviour to not stop. You'll have to put up with her complaints and criticism at your shower, your rehearsal, and yes, on your actual wedding day. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't see her role as being supportive so if her heel snaps or her food is cold or it starts to rain you'd better believe she'll be coming after you to complain about it.

Ugh... I really feel for you. Hope I'm not being too harsh. My bms have really surprised me. The one I thought would be the best has been the worst and the one I asked out of a sense of obligation has been a total rock for me. I guess my best advice is try to have a wedding without regrets. If her being there will cause you one ounce of regret, I'd let her go. After what she's pulled I doubt you'd ever be able to look at your friendship the same again.

mags0607

OP- please ignore the previous poster.

DO NOT kick her out (not that you said you would) because it will only make people think negatively of you. They won't know the backstory, or won't really care,and it will reflect negatively on you. Unless she slept with your FI, stole from you, or physically attacked you ( see a few posts below for that one) you are not justified in kicking her out. (PP please read this paragraph <--)

Yes, she may be a difficult bridesmaid, but do you really want to end a friendship because she doesn't like a dress, or didn't want to have her hair done? If the answer is yes, let the friendship slowly fade away after the wedding, when it isn't the catalyst for ruining the friendship.

It sucks that she wanted to plan the bachelorette, but then backed out, and it sucks because it seems you got caught in the middle, when all you should have done is shown up, but maybe there is more going on. If she isn't responding to your calls, then she is hurt over something.

I would try and resolve this as a friend issue, and leave the wedding out of it. Seems like she is intending to still be in the wedding, so really she has fulfilled her obligations, because that's all she really "has" to do.

We always want out friends to be supportive in all situations, but sometimes weddings bring out different sides in people, and either cause the best or the worst to happen. See if you can get the friend issue resolved, and the wedding issue will of course work itself out, because that's how it should be, friend first and bride second.

Try and take a step back from the situation, and good luck.

blackfire5th

I disagree with mags about kicking her out, but then I don't have friends that act like this and don't want people like this in my life.

OP- Your bm sounds like a pain, but you haven't been a saint in this either.  I can only give advice based off what you wrote.  You left out some details, so I am going to make some assumptions.

Bm are not required to host nor attend pre-wedding parties.  The only thing that is really required is the wedding and she should really come for the rehearsal.  When she asked you how many parties you were having, you should have told her that she doesn't have to come to any of those events.

As far as the dress goes, I'll give you this one.  The dress is basically up to the bride and you were trying to be very accommodating.  You should have stood up for yourself when she started going on about how the different dresses were tacky.   It sounds like you let her walk all over you.

For the bach. party, you should have stood up for yourself.  Yes it is a party that is being hosted for you so you really don't get a say, but I would have insisted that the plans included your FSIL.  I don't see why your FI was the one insisting this and not you...

Hair and makeup- If she doesn't want to get it done, I wouldn't make her.  Look on the bright side that you will be saving $100.  I would send an e-mail asking everyone to confirm by a certain date that they do or do not want their hair and makeup prof. done.  Otherwise I have a feeling that she will change her mind on you the day of and the salon won't be able to accommodate her and that I'm sure will start all sorts of drama with her.

It really sounds like you are being a push over and I think you should start standing up for yourself.

If you feel the friendship is over, then feel free to remove her.  If you do this, you should pay for her dress.

If you want to work on the friendship, completely remove the wedding from any talks with her.  Focus on what has changed with her, ask her why she is upset, do not bring the wedding up (unless of course she does because that is the issue).  Really try to evaluate how much you talk about the wedding.  Even if you bring it up once a conversation, that could be too much for her.  Think about why you asked her to be a bm in the first place.  Ask her out to coffee or something to talk.  Explain your concerns with the friendship.  Again, leave the wedding out of it.

Oh, and nothing she is doing should be stressing you out.  Really, what is the worse thing that she could do on your wedding day?  Not show up?  Then she doesn't show up and don't worry about it, it isn't something you can control.  She makes a scene?  Again, not in your control and she is the only one that will look stupid.

tidetravel

This isn't a BM issue, this is a friend issue. 

You have been a very accomodating bride (at least, from your post, you sound as if you have.)  This leads me to believe that there is another issue between you.

Has she always acted like this, or is it something new since you've been planning the wedding?  Call your friend and ask to meet with her to talk.  Talk about anything and everything OTHER than your wedding.  It sounds like something is going on in her life, and she may need you now more than ever.  

She's been difficult, I grant you that.  Let the fact that she's skipping out on the hair/makeup go.  The only way that her attitude will impact your wedding is if you let it.  Hopefully she still attends the wedding and stands up for you.  If she doesn't, then you know that your friendship is over.

PS - paying for hair/makeup for your wedding is not a gift.   

ekonz11

Blackfire, you are being incredibly mean. Yes she did leave out some parts of the story, HOWEVER that does not make this situation her fault. You blamed everything on the bride!

Yes I think that you have been VERY accomodating, but that's what a good bride does. She is the center of things and tries to keep the peace. So I think you've done a great job at that. I even liked your response to her e-mail.

Your BM has walked all over you and Kathryn is right, she's going to continue to do that at whatever events are left-including your wedding day-YUP, she will! But you have to tihnk about this. Is this her regular personality, or has this way she has been acting come up just because of the weIdding?

I have been having a problem with two of my BMs, but I sit and think.....this is how they are regularly, so I knew this going into picking them as BMs. I just have to live with it. They will for sure not ruin my day because I choose for them not to.

Hope this helps!

lalap69

Ekonz, do you even know what mean is? 

I think Blackfire gave really great advice, and pointing out the OP's mistakes is a good thing - how is she supposed to make things better if she doesn't know where she might have gone wrong?

OP, it sounds like you've been doing your best to be accommodating but there's a point where that becomes "getting walked all over" and I think you've hit that point.  Stand firm on the things that are important to you, work on your frienship with this BM (if you still want to be friends) as per the advice from PP's, and stop stressing out about this.  She can't ruin your wedding.

TaraNSmith03

I only thought I might get negative comments, because I read some of the other posts.  I don't think anyone is a bunch of mean, b!tchy hags.  I am a very positive person, and don't like negative, but I thought posting was worth any postitive or negative to help me figure out what to do.

I posted wanting advice on what I should do, and all of you have helped.  It helps to have listening eyes/ears. 

I just wanted/want to make everyone happy, and that has always  been my goal in life.  I know I should prob stand up for my self more often. 

Thanks to you all.

ladydiy2004

Sounds like she isnt a friend ,and do you really want her to stand up with you on your wedding day? I say get rid of her, friends like that who needs enemies!