Sister is alcoholic... how will she do the toasting, bachelorette party, etc?

yaintime21

So, my older sister is six months clean and I just got engaged. I thought it would be obvious that she'd be a bridesmaid, and so did she, but I want to have your traditional crazy bachelorette party, toasting with champagne, and that whole deal.

I was thinking that I could have two bachelorette parties, one of a spa-esque party and then the bar-hopping party (she would attend the former), but that's a rather large financial burden on my other bridesmaids.

I'm just so confused... any help?

[Deleted User]

Have you talked to her about whether or not she would feel comfortable at a party with alcohol? I would just leave the decision up to her. There is no rule saying that she has to attend and if you still want to spend time with her in a bachelorrette kind of way, you can have a spa day with just her.

MyNameIsNot

For the B-party, once someone offers to throw one for you, talk to your sister about it.  Find out if she'd be comfortable with what the hostess has in mind.  Asking someone to throw you a second party would be really rude.  Perhaps your sister would be fine with going for the whole thing and being the DD.  Or maybe she'd like to come for dinner and then head home.  Or maybe she'd rather have a girls night with you at a different time.  If she's not comfortable with attending, you'll just have to respect that. 

FWIW, I have a friend that has been clean for 2 years and often joins the group to go out.  He calls himself DD and laughs at people when they act stupid.  But that's his personal comfort level.  Your sister may not be there yet.

For the champagne toast, have a sparkling cider available. 

banana468

Well, before you get ahead of yourself, remember that the bachelorette is thrown FOR you and while ideally your friends will ask for your input, you don't get to give the input first.

Beyond that, you may want to feel your sister out to see what settings she's comfortable in from the start.  Different people have different things that can be triggers and she might be OK with the bar scene or she might be more comfortable in a spa.

If it's the latter, when the time comes and you're asked about a bachelorette party, go for the spa and then just have a random girls night out with friends.

duckie1905

As for the toasts, have a non-alcoholic option available.  Additionally, her drink does not have to be champagne or even something bubbly.  Her toast should be special because of what she is saying, not what she is drinking. I would think it would mean the same if it was a Pepsi.

With that said, asking for two bach parties is really presumptuous, especially considering your aren't really entitled to even have one.  Wait until someone volunteers to throw one and then speak to the host regarding your concerns. Also speak to your sister regarding her comfort level and what she can handle and what she can't.  I realize you want a big, drunk party for your bach party but I would think that your sister's ability to attend and attend comfortably would be more important.  If she is uncomfortable with the party/bar scene do something else for your bach party and then plan another night (non-bach party, just a night out) with friends.  You can get blasted then.

Pink7781

I don't mean for this to sound biitchy but this isn't a decision for you to make. If you want your sister to be a bridesmaid, ask her to be in the wedding and then as the planning gets underway, she can decide if she's comfortable attending an event where alcohol will be served. Please please please don't not ask her to be in the wedding because you want the "crazy" bachelorette party.

ButtonsPepper

My BM's are throwing me a bach party, dinner and then bar hopping... and my sister (MOH) can't go. Even if she could, she would probably only do dinner....

We are going to do something just the two of us.

jeffloveslaura

The spa-esque party could be like your bridal luncheon where you thank your bridesmaids for their participation (throwing your shower, buying dress, shoes, general support).  The bachelorette party is up to your bridesmaids.  Just ask them to consider your sister and speak to her.  Ultimately, she's a big girl, now in recovery and needs to learn how to make healthy choices.  You can't do this for her, but you can support her, which is nice that you are trying to do.

verycrafty

You pick your wedding party according to your values (who you are closest to, who knows you best, who will assist you in planning this wedding beast the most, etc.), not according to who will be the best to go out drinking with on ONE night.

To drink or not to drink is something your sister will have to face every day of her life.  While I applaud your being sensitive to her needs and supporting her sobriety, you should give her the opportunity to support you, your wedding and your new life.  I would definitely ask her to be a BM and let the wedding planning begin.  When the issue about the BP comes up, sit face to face with her and lay out all the concerns.  Let the decision be hers.  That way, she is not being excluded and she remains in control of her sobriety.

As far as the toast at the reception, she could use sparkling grape juice.  Offer both alcoholic and non-alcoholic toasting beverages to all your guests.  She won't be singled out and, chances are that there are other guests who will choose not to have alcohol for their own personal reasons.

danyell.67

If my sister were a recovering alcoholic, I would put aside my preference (in that area) and have a no-alcohol bachelorette. I realize that your wedding is your special day, and you should celebrate it in whatever way you want, but she is your family. Supporting her in her time of need should be more important that having a few drinks at your bachelorette.

porsha810

I'm newly engaged & my older sister IS an alcoholic too.  She is close to the 6 month mark as well.  She knows what sort of things will be going & it's her decision if she wants to come.  I always have done the sparkling cider, etc to make her feel comfortable & most of your BM's should know this about you & your sister if they are close to you....mine do at least so they all have that in mind.  It's hard but realize that your sister knows this too & talking to her is the best solution.  Make it aware of the activities & let her deide what is best for her & you just enjoy your night of celebration!!

MyNameIsNot

You pick your wedding party according to your values (who you are closest to, who knows you best, who will assist you in planning this wedding beast the most, etc.),

No. No. No.  You ask your WP according to who are your closest friends.  Period.  What they can or will do for you is irrelevant.  The only person who needs to help you with wedding planning is your FI.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-alcoholic-will-she-toasting-bachelorette-party-etc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:520b1cac-432b-4f1d-af13-bf116be786acPost:dc34bb4c-2c54-41c1-94d2-0bc63aad13cf">Re: Sister is alcoholic... how will she do the toasting, bachelorette party, etc?</a>:
[QUOTE]If my sister were a recovering alcoholic, I would put aside my preference (in that area) and have a no-alcohol bachelorette. I realize that your wedding is your special day, and you should celebrate it in whatever way you want, but she is your family. Supporting her in her time of need should be more important that having a few drinks at your bachelorette.
Posted by danyell.67[/QUOTE]

And your WEDDING is special but your BACHELORETTE is not planned the way you want it.  It's planned by others in the hopes that it's pleasing to you.

mrscheetah

I just wanted to say props to you for thinking about her and what will make her comfortable. one of the most important things for people in recovery-especially people in their FIRST year of recovery, like your sister-is having a supportive family, and it sounds like your sister is very lucky...I agree with everyone else, just talk to her and see what she wants. Don't make her feel like a freak or like she's the reason everything has to be a certain way. Just communicate, which it sounds like you're already doing.

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-alcoholic-will-she-toasting-bachelorette-party-etc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:520b1cac-432b-4f1d-af13-bf116be786acPost:b6f9d3b4-7f5c-4cf7-99be-e8e2f4781670">Re: Sister is alcoholic... how will she do the toasting, bachelorette party, etc?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to say props to you for thinking about her and what will make her comfortable. one of the most important things for people in recovery-especially people in their FIRST year of recovery, like your sister-is having a supportive family, and it sounds like your sister is very lucky...I agree with everyone else, just talk to her and see what she wants. Don't make her feel like a freak or like she's the reason everything has to be a certain way. Just communicate, which it sounds like you're already doing.
Posted by mrscheetah[/QUOTE]
YAY!  I agree 100% with this.

I, too, am a recovering alcoholic with the longest string of sobriety at 2.5 years, I have 1 year and 5 months now.  See if she's comfortable with the ideas that you/host might be having, but ultimately, you should let her decide.

My sister/MOH is turning it into a stress-free weekend up north at the cabin.  4 of my BMs drink, and 1 doesn't (and I don't either).  So, we're bringing things in twos - 2 kinds of cups, 2 blenders (for margaritas) so we can have virgin and alcoholic drinks.  She's giving me and my BM an out.

So, maybe try to make a day out of it?  Accessory shopping followed by a night out?  Maybe see if another BM wouldn't mind staying sober, or let your sis bring a sober friend along.  For me, it's safety in numbers and driving my car.  I do well even with 1 other person there who isn't drinking, and if I have my car I can leave if I get uncomfortable or tempted.

EDIT: And I toast with ginger ale <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />