Bridesmaid says she can't stand fiance

smartie917

So up until now, my bridesmaids have all been awesome! They are encouraging and supportive. However, this week, six weeks before my wedding, my bridesmaid and cousin approached me telling me that she is concerned about my marriage because she thinks fiance is rude, disrespectful, and violent, and that lots of other people feel the same way.  She says she can't stand to be around him and she wants me to break off the engagement.  Aside from the fact that I think her judgements are completely unfounded, and after having talked to several of my good friends I know they agree, I'm just really sorry that she feels this way and I'm annoyed that she couldn't have found a time sooner to let me in on these concerns. We've been engaged for about a year and dating before that... she's been around for all of it and could have told us if there was a problem. Now is just not the time. I'm obviously not going to call off the wedding six weeks before it happened when I KNOW I love my fiance and we're meant to be together forever. This is just added stress I don't need. Sorry, I think I just needed to vent.

blackfire5th

That's jacked up.  Just curious, have you talked to anyone else in your family about this?

I would tell her thank you for her concerns, and that now that you have heard them, you don't want to hear about it again and you understand if she steps down if she doesn't support your marriage.

I firmly believe that the WP is there to support the marriage.

LarissaAnn

I'd tend to agree with pp, BUT "violent" is a strange thing to come up with.  Did she say why she gets the idea that he's violent?  

Has he ever thrown anything around her?  Hit anyone?  Kicked a tire?  If he's never been violent to a person around her or someone else, has he had extreme reactions to anything else?

I know it sucks this close to the wedding, but it's possible she waited this long in the hopes that she wouldn't have to say anything, that you'd see it for yourself and call off the wedding.

Think about it very seriously.  Does she have any reason at all to be concerned?  I know it's embarrassing and expensive to call off a wedding this close to the date, but it's a lot more expensive and painful to get divorced later.  Does she have any reason for saying what she did?  Is there anything you're refusing to admit?

If not, and all is truly well, then absolutely get married and tell your cousin to jump in the lake.  But if she really does have cause for concern, please don't just dismiss it.

sapphirebaby926

I agree with larissa here - it sounds like she's had these concerns for awhile and was hoping she wouldn't have to bring them up in hopes that you would see for yourself. I think she should have brought this up a long time ago but I would imagine since she is your friend that she is trying to look out for you. Take a step back and see if there is any merit to her concerns - as painful as it may be she may be right

bablingbrooke

Based on what they said and how they said it, it sounds like they are genuinely concerned about your FI, rather than just being spoilsports.  Is there any truth to that? 

It's one thing if one of them said it when they were drunk or in the middle of an argument and did it to just hurt you.  But coming up to you, together, reasonably making their case indicates that they thought long and hard about it and made the decision to tell you their concerns.

Your response is also pretty telling:

Now is just not the time. I'm obviously not going to call off the wedding six weeks before it happened when I KNOW I love my fiance and we're meant to be together forever. 

You never once say "it's not true" or "these things have never happened" or "there is no basis" or anything to suggest that they don't have a leg to stand on.  You talk about "meant to be together forever", you "know" it's true, and that you're "obviously" not calling it off "six weeks before".  So I'm inclined to believe that you deep down know there's some truth to this.

smartie917

Yeah, I talked to my little brother about it, who is also in the wedding and my best friend ever, and he told me he hasn't had any concerns whatsoever. I'm planning on talking to my parents about it this week sometime and see what they say.  As far as I know, though, they absolutely love him, and they are the kind of people who would tell me right away if there was an issue.

She says he is "violent" because someone told her that he "threw a book at a professor in class once because he didn't agree with what he was saying." Personally, I think this is crazy, I talked to him about it and he says that its ridiculous and he has no idea where that story would have originated from.  My guess is that its a rumor or a story about a heated discussion in class that has now grown into a HUGE misrepresentation. If he had done this, he probably would have been suspended or something...

To be honest, he does have a temper, especially when it comes to sports and bad calls by the ref. But seriously, he has never thrown anything or hurt anyone when he does get upset about sports or anything else, usually he's actually really controlled in his anger, a lot more than I ever am when I get emotional. 

LarissaAnn

OK, if that's all it is, then you're right.  But has he even been rude or disrespectful to you, your friends, or family members?

Better yet, I know it sounds weird, but how does he treat waitstaff?  That's the most telling thing, I've found.  If he's snotty to waitresses, or blows up at them or belittles them if they get something wrong, he's not as good a person as you think.  You can tell a lot about someone from the way he treats a server.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I'm obviously not going to call off the wedding six weeks before it happened when I KNOW I love my fiance and we're meant to be together forever.
Posted by smartie917[/QUOTE]

It's okay to call off a wedding with that short notice if there is a problem.  Whether or not you think your cousin's claims are unfounded is something that you do need to consider, so look into it carefully even if you think they're not true.  I find it strange that she agreed to be a bridesmaid since she has such strong feelings against your FI.

CTGirl30

From your posts, I take it you don't believe there to be any foundation for concern and you say your brother and other friends don't think there is, either. See what your parents have to say when you talk to them.

That's a pretty serious statement - that your cousin is hoping you'd call off the wedding. Regardless of whether you were 6 weeks or 6 months away from it, if there were serious issues (such as violence issues) then it is better to call off a wedding then to go through with it for the sake of "well, we can't call it off now" and get divorced in a few months...that aside, it sounds like the accusation of violence is limited to what he says must be a rumor about him throwing a book in class and claims to be an incident blown out of proportion.

Did something happen between your cousin and your FI that you don't know about? As in, was he rude or disrespectful to her in some way that are not aware of? Where would she come up with that kind of statement and feel so strongly about it that she'd suggest calling the whole thing of? I think this might warrant a heart to heart with your cousin...see what's going on there and then do the same with FI. That isn't something I'd take lightly.

banana468

This is so very odd.  Has he done mean / rude things to other people in your presence? 

Is your cousin someone you normally would trust with your life or does she stir up drama?  I'd take some time to think if you believe that she's not just saying this to cause trouble.

I'd also talk to your cousin to ask her to be more specific.  No one says that you need to call off the wedding but if she's very concerned for you, she'll elaborate as well.

tinydancer842

Not to be debbie downer, but my mom told her sister not to get married to this one man -- she knew he was bad news. Her sister was furious with her. A few months later she was divorced b/c she caught him in bed with another woman. By that time she had moved to TX because he was in basic training & had bought a house. In the end she just left & never looked back.

I am not saying this is your story, but you should consider what she is saying & find out if there is any merit to it. Also, how long have you know him & how long were u dating before u were engaged. Typically abusive men don't show their true colors until at least a yr after knowing you b/c by then you are attached & afraid to leave.

mbcdefg

I agree with those who said that you really need to talk to both FI and your cousin, and figure out from there why the cousin may have said these things. Either she is 100% making it up for some cruel reason, or she may have a legitimate concern.

If your cousin is even 1% right, that may have a HUGE affect on your life and the lives of any children you may have in the future. So I wouldn't write her off right away ... get to the bottom of things. Hopefully you have nothing to fear, but I wouldn't be naive and take a chance. Especially if your reasoning is that six weeks out is too late to cancel the wedding ... it is NEVER too late to cancel or postpone, especially when your life might be hanging in the balance. It's better to be sure now than to think it's embarrassing to cancel.

leah51

I say you def. need to have that heart to heart with your cousin and get the details.  You should take a long look at all of this and try to leave little room any of this arising later on.  I have worked with women and children of abuse and sometime people who look from the outside in get a much better view.  Hopefully you can get to the bottom of this soon.  The last thing you want to do is be married to someone who is going to be violent. 

I do agree with the people who have said that using such a strong word as violent an interesting word choice.  I would talk to as many people who are usually honest with you and have your best interest in mind as possible.  And not to downplay any previous convo you have already had with your FI, but next time you talk to him about this try and go into it with as many details as possible because if this is in fact true which I hope its not he will talk his way around it.  Why would someone with a violent personality openly admit to his FI that he tends to be violent.   But with solid facts you have better chance of really knowing why someone would go as far as to ask you to call of the wedding.

Try and listen with open ears and not to be defensive this is a serious charge and hopefully not just based on a book being thrown. And if there is more to this, then it is never to close to a wedding to call it off or to soon after to be safe.