Bachelor Party..long

SillyLGoose

Hi girls..I'm from the CT board but thought I'd come here for some advice.

So I kinda flipped my lid the other night. Little background here for you..I live with my parents. FI lives in a studio apartment over 100 miles from his hometown (to be closer to me) trying to make ends meet. I've been making financial sacrifices to put money aside for the wedding. I have a steady job and have never lived on my own. FI is working full time, school part-time, and trying to pay the bills on a very limited income. He hasn't been able to put wedding money aside because it just isn't there. I'm ok with the fact that he can't contribute right now. He gets out of school in Dec. and will be able to then. 

Last night my fiance said something about a weeklong vegas trip for his bachelor party (we are in ct and his groomsmen in NY). I went a little nutty because I feel that it is a slap in the face after all the money I've been saving. He says he's groomsmen pay for everything and there is no correlation between my savings and the week long festivities being planned and paid for in his honor. 

So here's why I'm mad

#1 I think it is rude to expect people to pay your way to vegas and all activities there. (FI disagrees and says that's they way it is; and that's how any bachelor party he's gone to has been.)

#2 You're going to have to treat your friends to something after hosting a trip like that!

#3 A Week long trip! Come on! You don't get a week bachelor party and 2 week hm all in a few months of each other! Even if work allowed it that's ridiculous!

#4 He thinks it's vegas that I'm upset about. It's really that we don't have the money for essentially two honeymoons. I told him if he can do vegas in a weekend or 3 day weekend fine. 

#5 If his unmarried friends do this for him now is he going to feel obligated to spend tons of money and time for big, expensive trips for them when they get married? While we will have bills and kids to worry about? 

Have I completely lost it? Am I one of THOSE brides now? 

mbcdefg

I think it's reasonable to be frustrated, and I agree that I wouldn't feel right about letting my friends pay my way to Vegas (even if they offered).

But I also think it's ridiculous to worry about this now, when you're 17 months away from your wedding (I assume the bachelor party wouldn't be until next year, right?).

I think you both need to relax about this for now.

SillyLGoose

We've already been engaged for a year and when his guys first brought up vegas I didn't say much. The reason why I didn't voice any concern was because I thought it was a pipe dream. They are still talking about it and starting to make moves to put it together. 

When I got upset my fiance said, "You never said anything before. We've always said we're going to vegas."

So am I over-reacting? Do I somehow nip it in the butt now and forever feel like I took his bachelor party away from him? 

SarahPLiz

I would be frustrated too. You should remind FI that he doesnt get to plan it, that his GM get to do whatever they want for him. Its so far away right now that everyone's plans may change by then, so just try not to think about it. You have let him know how you feel about it, and nothing has to be decided now.

emilyinchile

I don't think it's your place to deal with the issue about whether or not it's ok for his friends to pay for him. If they want to, that's their call. As far as him having to reciprocate in the future, these things aren't tit for tat.

If the issue is that you would prefer he not go for a week, I think you have to really consider WHY it's bugging you. My FI just asked if he could go away for a week, and I said that considering we're less than 2 months to our wedding, I would feel kind of abandoned and stressed out if he were gone that long. I think that's a legitimate concern - you're supposed to be a partnership. But if he'd told me months ago that he was going to take a week of vacation (it's summer here), I would have been ok with that because we would have worked around it. It depends on what kind of responsibilities you'll have to take on as a result of him being gone and whether that's fair. If you're just jealous he gets a free trip, then it's understandable, but I think you need to suck it up.

AdeleDazeem

I'd be rather upset about this, too.  He's asking for a lot of time off, he's accepting a large amount of money from friends that you think will have to be reciprocated in some way, and  on and on...

I ran into similar ridiculous problems with my fiance back in our early twenties. Happily, he doesn't behave this way anymore.!  The truth is - reality smacked him in the face.  When things are far away or discussed without details, these problems you're thinking of don't come up right away.  It's entirely possible the week will be scaled down when people see the price tags or the time off problems.  Also, since it's far away, the boys may think Vegas is just the only way to have a bachelor party so it's just "Let's gooooo!!!"

Your wedding isn't until summer 2011.  I'd just wait it out.  I feel like he will eventually come to his senses (or his friends will!).

SillyLGoose

Thanks Emily. I guess I was a little shocked that his bachelor party would be a week. In his neck of the woods they do everything big, big, and bigger and money is of no concern. In my social circle your bachelor or bachelorette party (if you are lucky enough to have one) is a night or overnight affair and usually there is a budget in mind. Even though as the bride or groom you don't get much of a say you hope and try to make it as fun and economical as possible. 

Part of it was timing. I had just made a sizable deposit into our "wedding fund" and have been for several months. When he said week long vegas trip I saw dollar signs. Even if it is an all-expense paid trip there are some expenses and you'll want to treat them to dinner or drinks..or gosh both after a flight, etc, out there. His friends just drop their credit cards and treat people all the time. Before the engagement my FI was like that and would have easily leave a bar spending over $500. I guess I just know an "all expense paid trip" is going to cost big bucks. I've been stressing slightly about how we are going to pull off the wedding and our future life together. To hear about this when he has no money to his name just through me for a loop. I was offended.

jamalina

I really feel that a week is too long for a bachelor party especially in Vegas. I am very laid back about this stuff by the way & I even think it's crazy! My fiance is going to Atlantic City next weekend for his Bachelor party. If he could afford Vegas, he would go there. He is going from Friday to Sunday. No big deal. Him & his boys will go to strip clubs, gamble, & party! So what...but for a whole week?????????? NO WAY! I would not go for that! LOL Does he have any idea how much money his friends are offering to spend on him? I woudn't be comfortable with that.

SillyLGoose

Thanks Joy. I think you might be right. His friends right now are not married and not in relationships. My FI is one of the first to get married so they want to do it big. Hopefully by next summer they will realize that their best made plans weren't thought through very well. They are at different points in their life then my FI and I. 

I guess I won't bring it up unless my FI or his friends do. I'll just hope it doesn't come to be. And if it does, I'll just suck it up, send him off, and work extra shifts while he's away! 

And, since money has always been an issue since we come from two completely different social classes, maybe we should seek counseling before we're married.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-partylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:533f9422-0a02-433f-ac33-53163a112d88Post:30f64362-f63d-4df0-88ad-01d3d4223d0b">Re: Bachelor Party..long</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been stressing slightly about how we are going to pull off the wedding and our future life together. To hear about this when he has no money to his name just through me for a loop. I was offended.
Posted by SillyLGoose[/QUOTE]

This is a totally legitimate concern, and one I suggest you guys seriously talk about (with a counselor if you think that would be more productive) before marriage. He probably doesn't realize that you're not freaking out about a bachelor party but rather about what that says about your efforts to save, how you both view money, and what it is appropriate for you as a couple to spend on. I think it would be really beneficial for you guys to figure those things out as part of preparing for marriage.

AdeleDazeem

I totally agree with Emily!

I almost wrote it myself but everytime I read it, it sounded mean... and I really am not trying to be mean.  I've experienced this!

My fiance was/is a spender (big spender when he had no money) and I'm a pathological saver.  I still am.  We had to discuss and work these things out.  It can be done!  He saw his credit card bills and how much I had saved in the bank, so he came back to reality.  I also saw that I can spend money on a few things and not feel destitute.  Are we perfect?  No... Are we better than when he decided it was totally appropriate to spend $1000 on his friend's wedding when he didn't have a job at 21?  Hell yes.

Just discuss it with him and say how it makes you feel to be saving while he's off planning weeklong bachelor parties.  You just need to meet in the middle more.  And if he really wants this party, then he's got to help you save for it.

EDIT: Emily is much more eloquent with me.  She said what I'm trying to with much wiser words

MyNameIsNot

I also agree with Emily, and I think your concerns are totally legitimate.  It is about the money, and it's a lot of effort for you to be putting toward the wedding budget pretty much on your own. 

While these things aren't tit-for-tat, these guys are talking about treating him to a week in Vegas.  I don't see how you can do that for less than $2K.  Then when their turn comes, and he suggests are more modest (but still really expensive) $500 weekend, he's going to look like a jerk.  I think it's appropriate for him to understand that accepting such an excessive gift will likely cost him some money, if not now, down the road, and I also think it is a good jumping off point to start some real conversations about spending/saving and money management.  They say that the number one thing couples fight about is money, and it's true.  Getting on the same page before you merge finances is a really good idea.

Gardini5

Oh girlfriend,
My FI is actually going to Vegas, with some of his buddies. At first, I felt the same way (why am I saving so much $ (all of every paycheck) to pay for the wedding when you're flying off to vegas to party??). Well, the more I think about it...this is one time in his life when he can go, have some fun and let loose. My FI provides wholeheartedly for us. He is amazing and deserves a weekend with the boys. I know this doesn't help much, but trust me....no woman WANTS their FI to go to Vegas...but i'll be honest if I could go with my girls..I WOULD!

SillyLGoose

Thanks Emily and Joy! Joy- sounds like my fiance and I to a T! He has started to be much more responsible-which he credits me. I on the other hand, could learn to treat myself better. 

I've known that we have money issues but after venting and re-reading what I wrote and seeing your responses I've realized that the bachelor party isn't one isolated incident and there will be more situations like this one.

I think I'll let it cool down a bit and just see if he's thought any about what I've said and perhaps explain myself better to him if I need to. I definitely like the suggestion that if he wants to go he needs to set aside his own money. 

SillyLGoose

Garidini- How did you come to terms with it? I'd love to have that attitude but I can't help but think it's irresponsible of him? I worry that his priorities won't be straight when we are married if he's letting me save now while he spends. 

SillyLGoose

Garidini- I should also ask, if you don't mind answering, what, if anything your FI is contributing to this trip? Are his boys paying his way? 

megk8oz

Ok, I'm going to also ditto Emily on this. She's right, if this is about his attitude towards money and saving (And not all about him going to have fun with the guys), then you really need to have a serious discussion with him about such things before the wedding.

Yes, it seems that you have more than enough time for these plans to either fizzle completely or at least be scaled back to just a weekend excursion-as the time gets closer the guys involved might realize just how expensive a week in Vegas actually is and might think cutting the trip short is a good idea ... but the extra time could also inspire more momentum in the planning to save up for an even more extravagant time.

But time aside, I can totally see where you're coming from on the "taking that much time off from work in a short period of time" front. DH only has x amount of vacation time every year, and there are actually very strict rules about how close the time can be taken or how much can be taken in one shot.Like, he has to get promoted 2 more times before he's eligible to take 2 full, consecutive weeks off. And unless there's some type of family crisis or he jumps through a million hoops for the clearance, he currently cannot take his 2 weeks within 6 months of each other.  So I would be pretty upset if he wound up taking a full week for a bach party, because in our situation, that would have meant our HM would have had to have been less than a week long.

So if this is more about you wanting to encourage him being responsible than it is about him going to Vegas, then I would really reccomend following Emily's advice. It sounds like you guys are not on the same page in an area where such a thing is crucial to the success of a marriage.

Best of luck.

SillyLGoose

After going to the gym and running my frustrations and confusion out; I think I might have over-reacted in some areas. 

First, in his social circle, long extravagant bachelor/bachelorette parties are the norm. Crazy to me, and most of you, but I can't change that. FI spent over 1,000 on a bachelor party for someone he wasn't even invited to the wedding last summer. The other guys spent much more. His girl acquaintances have gone on week long tropical cruises for their bachelorettes. I really can't fault the guy for the situation he's been living in. I can get my FI to see eye-eye and understand but to change his friends' idea of normal isn't going to happen. The party isn't up to him to plan..if the guys want to go and have the money; fine. What I think needs to happen is FI needs to start saving now so he can offer to pay for  his own things....and I don't think it would be a bad idea for him to tell them he can't have them pay for it all because when their time comes along he can't promise to do the same.

I thought about Garidini's response about going to vegas if she could too. Vegas is really not my thing. My FI always wanted to go. If this is his chance I think he should because I certainly wouldn't want to go with him. On the other hand, I would love to go to Ireland, but he would hate it. If I had a group of friends who wanted to go and use my bachelorette as an excuse, I would go in a heartbeat. The difference is I wouldn't let them pay my way and I would save appropriately. If they wanted to treat here and there fine; but no more than a normal bachelorette party. I can't go spending thousands of dollars every time someone gets married!  

We do need to discuss finances more. Unfortunately, FI just says, "There's nothing to be concerned about. We'll have everything we ever wanted." Which is why I said maybe professional help. 

The fact that it is vegas doesn't really bother me. He can get in trouble in vegas just as easy as atlantic city in jersey, or anywhere. Short of cheating on me or engaging in illegal activity---he can do whatever he wants! I don't want to bail him out of jail or marry someone with a record..oh! he can't get married while he's there either..my church frowns on that. 

Gardini5

My FI is paying for his flight and only 100.00 for hotels for the 4 day trip. Other than that, his dudes are cover him! Which, is fine. I do pay for every wedding expense. My mom was in a very unfortunate accident that has cost them a fortune, so they are no longer contributing what they had planned to which therefore ups what I have to pay. BUT that is not FI's fault, and as long as he pays for my ring, my dress and what's left of the honeymoon (3900)...i'll get over it. I want him to be happy. He rarely EVER asks for anything, or to spend big $ so it isn't an issue....i on the other hand...travel like crazy (NYC last weekend Florida in April)....so I really have NO room to talk!!! It's all good girl, you'll come to peace with it!!