I know she'll be offended, but...

ChevyGirl25

My best friend from high school recently moved about 2 hours away and we haven't met up since the move. We used to meet up every weekend, talk on Facebook or through text throughout the week and all that. But since she's moved, she's really changed a lot. I've tried to keep our friendship strong, but whenever I text I don't get a reply and I've tried to meet up with her quite a few times, but she always says "I'll get back to you later."

We used to be best friends. I don't necessarily know what's going on in her life since she's moved (because she won't share it with me), but I really want to remain friends. Another tough aspect of this is that she knew my fiance was going to propose and that we are now planning a wedding, and I had planned on asking her to be my maid of honor and I think she knew this. It was kind of just expected because we were best friends and have always been close.

Now I don't know if I should ask her to be my maid of honor or even a bridesmaid. I want to include her, but the fact that she's avoided all contact doesn't really say she's still interested in our friendship. However, I know that if I don't ask her to be my maid of honor, she'll be extremely pissed off and offended and would probably not come to the wedding out of spite. She tends to be over-dramatic, so I know that this would most likely happen.

I'm kind of at a loss here. I've tried to keep our friendship in tact, but it seems to me that she's given up on it. I personally don't feel that it's fair to my other bridesmaids who have been there for me through and through to include someone who's completely distanced herself. What should I do?

Manwaithiel

If you're not really friends anymore, then don't ask her. Your attendants should be your nearest and dearest.

If she gets pissy, then that's the sign of someone who doesn't respect your decisions and you should still probably avoid being friends. It's not her call.

However, I wouldn't get too "Everyone wants to be in my wedding!" Because that's probably not the case.

bablingbrooke

It sounds like there isn't much of a friendship left, and what little there is left is based on the past, not your lives today.  I wouldn't make her MOH unless you truly want her standing up with you.  You have no obligation to her, so it would only be if you WANT her there.  It doesn't sound like you do.  So no need to ask her.  If she gets pissed off, not only is that her being unreasonable, it sounds like you wouldn't be losing much of a friend.  No true friend would act that way about not being picked as MOH.  

Asking someone you're not terribly close with, hoping that it will make you close, rarely ends well--just scroll down the page and see a couple posts from just the last couple days.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shell-offended-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:564ae6d5-468a-43fb-ab6f-c86d87088b70Post:2073f393-0888-4add-a683-1f6eb6d98ae7">Re: I know she'll be offended, but...</a>:
[QUOTE]However, I wouldn't get too "Everyone wants to be in my wedding!" Because that's probably not the case.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
Very true.  People may be thrilled for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean they want to be IN the wedding.  It's no comment on their love for you; people may just want to wear what they want and be able to enjoy the ceremony and reception without having to do any work.  Which is not a wrong way to feel, really.

jaimed99

Playing Devil's Advocate here...because that's what I do best

My BFF of 20 years lives not quite as far away as yours does, but we have times when we're just too busy with our own lives to be in constant communication. I may see her once a month, if that, and randomly text/FB but not much. That hasn't made our friendship any less important to either of us...in fact, I am the only one of her childhood friends that she asked to be in her WP...her own twin sister isn't in the wedding.

Yes, distance can strain relationships/friendships, but I wouldn't count her out so quickly. E-mail her, drop her a text, and ask her to talk to you when she can spare a little time. You may find that your friendship isn't as strained as you think it is, and she may just have a bunch of things going on that prevent her from having the time to talk as much as you two used to. If after that you decide that the friendship is no longer viable, then let it go and don't worry about asking her to be a BM.

As for the drama queen thing, if you've been friends for so long and have been OK with it, there's no reason to not be OK with it just because you're getting married.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shell-offended-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:564ae6d5-468a-43fb-ab6f-c86d87088b70Post:3a7d544c-f94a-495c-bb8b-50691464c8e3">Re: I know she'll be offended, but...</a>:
[QUOTE]Playing Devil's Advocate here...because that's what I do best :) My BFF of 20 years lives not quite as far away as yours does, but we have times when we're just too busy with our own lives to be in constant communication. I may see her once a month, if that, and randomly text/FB but not much. That hasn't made our friendship any less important to either of us...in fact, I am the only one of her childhood friends that she asked to be in her WP...her own twin sister isn't in the wedding. Yes, distance can strain relationships/friendships, but I wouldn't count her out so quickly. E-mail her, drop her a text, and ask her to talk to you when she can spare a little time. You may find that your friendship isn't as strained as you think it is, and she may just have a bunch of things going on that prevent her from having the time to talk as much as you two used to. If after that you decide that the friendship is no longer viable, then let it go and don't worry about asking her to be a BM. 
Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'd echo this.  I know you're getting to the time where you need to make a decision, but I think I'd put it off for a little longer and give the relationship a little bit more time.</div><div>
</div><div>One of my closest friends lives on the other side of the country.  When she first moved, we went for a full year with barely talking.  She moved and got busy with setting up a new life, and I was busy with my own.  For a while, I thought we were probably just drifting apart, but then when we finally did have time to catch up, we picked up right where we'd left off.  We still only talk a few times a year, but she was still a BM in my wedding, and I'm going to India for hers.  Some friendships are just like that; you don't have to talk every day or even every week to stay close.  </div><div>
</div><div>I'd chalk some of this up to her getting settled in her new life, and keep trying.  If she still doesn't respond, you have your answer.  But I think you can still be great friends without talking as often as you used to.

</div>

ChevyGirl25

I'm worried about her being offended about me not asking her because she had really hinted (not to subtley) in the past about being my MOH.

Also, something I should have mentioned in the OP (my bad) is that she moved to a new city to go to college, hates it, and comes home literally EVERY weekend. I've tried reaching out to her and asking her if we could hang out, but she's avoided spending time with me even while she's home (15 minutes away from my house).

IMO, if I've tried reaching out to someone and it's not being acknowledged in any way, the friendship is no longer important to the other person. I feel bad saying this because we used to get along so well, but I think I've made my decision. If I'm not important to her after all we've been through together, then I don't see a purpose in giving her such an important position in the wedding because it obviously won't be such an "honor", but an obligation.

I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just not the kind of person to put all the effort in only to be placed on the back burner. So unless she'd like to try to stay friends like I've tried, then I don't think I'll be asking her to be a part of the wedding party.

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shell-offended-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:564ae6d5-468a-43fb-ab6f-c86d87088b70Post:fde95215-fe37-4edf-a578-43653fb6564b">Re: I know she'll be offended, but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm worried about her being offended about me not asking her because she had really hinted (not to subtley) in the past about being my MOH. Also, something I should have mentioned in the OP (my bad) is that she moved to a new city to go to college, hates it, and comes home literally EVERY weekend. I've tried reaching out to her and asking her if we could hang out, but she's avoided spending time with me even while she's home (15 minutes away from my house). IMO, if I've tried reaching out to someone and it's not being acknowledged in any way, the friendship is no longer important to the other person. I feel bad saying this because we used to get along so well, but I think I've made my decision. If I'm not important to her after all we've been through together, then I don't see a purpose in giving her such an important position in the wedding because it obviously won't be such an "honor", but an obligation. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just not the kind of person to put all the effort in only to be placed on the back burner. So unless she'd like to try to stay friends like I've tried, then I don't think I'll be asking her to be a part of the wedding party.
Posted by ChevyGirl25[/QUOTE]

<div>Well if that's the case, and even with attempts to make contact and spend time with her, it's not looking like she wants to continue the friendship, then asking her to be in your WP is a moot point. If you are no longer friends, it doesn't exactly matter if she gets miffed about not being asked. If she was really all that worried about being asked, maybe she could make an effort to get together once in a while. Why would you even be concerned if she got upset? If she starts drama, then she looks bad, not you :)</div>

ChevyGirl25

I guess my next question is, should I even invite her to the wedding? She'll be seeing my other bridesmaids and I'm pretty sure she'll get pissed. I really don't want any drama at our wedding, so I feel like not inviting her would avoid drama on the day. Idk what to do about this. GAH! I'm so confused.

bablingbrooke

I think you overestimate her potential to cause drama.  You'll have 100 people pulling her in 100 directions and barely have more than 5 minutes to spend on any one person (if that).  And you'll have a wedding high and just giddy, so even if she wants to cause trouble, you really won't notice.

My sister apparently got smashed and had to be taken home early; I had no idea until others told me three or four days later.  I had a pleasant 3 minute conversation with DH's friend's GF, whom I can't stand.  My sister also caught on fire at one point (true story); she and I thought it was funny then and think it's funny now.

The long and the short of it is that 1) hopefully she's more mature than you give her credit for, and 2) even if she isn't, she won't be able to spoil anything.  If everyone else in your group of friends is getting an invite, I think you need to extend an invite to her, too.  It's an invitation, not a subpoena, so she can always decline it and this may be a non-issue.  But I think in this regard it might be best to be the bigger person and invite her to the wedding.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shell-offended-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:564ae6d5-468a-43fb-ab6f-c86d87088b70Post:6cf0a121-22e3-44ed-945b-d7d5bb804a54">Re: I know she'll be offended, but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess my next question is, should I even invite her to the wedding? She'll be seeing my other bridesmaids and I'm pretty sure she'll get pissed. I really don't want any drama at our wedding, so I feel like not inviting her would avoid drama on the day. Idk what to do about this. GAH! I'm so confused.
Posted by ChevyGirl25[/QUOTE]

Okay, I have to ask: How old are you?!?!  I'm guessing that this marriage is the first major life change that will happen to you.

I moved away from all of my friends (try needing a plane to make it a 2 hour distance) In January.  It took me months before I was settled in and ready to pick up with friendships again.  I still don't talk to all of them as much as I used to.  That doesn't mean I love them any less.  Hell my oldest friend (met in the second grade) and I only talk a couple times a year but we are still friends.

This wasn't the first move either.  I moved away from the friends I grew up with to go to law school.  Didn't talk to them my entire first year but I'm still friends with them.

You need to look at all of this outside the context of your wedding.  Are you really willing to throw away this friendship because friends don't come along very easily, especially as you get older.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_shell-offended-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:564ae6d5-468a-43fb-ab6f-c86d87088b70Post:fde95215-fe37-4edf-a578-43653fb6564b">Re: I know she'll be offended, but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm worried about her being offended about me not asking her because she had really hinted (not to subtley) in the past about being my MOH. Also, something I should have mentioned in the OP (my bad) is that <strong>she moved to a new city to go to college, hates it, and comes home literally EVERY weekend. I've tried reaching out to her and asking her if we could hang out, but she's avoided spending time with me even while she's home (15 minutes away from my house).</strong> IMO, if I've tried reaching out to someone and it's not being acknowledged in any way, the friendship is no longer important to the other person. I feel bad saying this because we used to get along so well, but I think I've made my decision. If I'm not important to her after all we've been through together, then I don't see a purpose in giving her such an important position in the wedding because it obviously won't be such an "honor", but an obligation. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just not the kind of person to put all the effort in only to be placed on the back burner. So unless she'd like to try to stay friends like I've tried, then I don't think I'll be asking her to be a part of the wedding party.
Posted by ChevyGirl25[/QUOTE]

I did the same thing.  I came home from law school every chance I could.  I ignored my friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my mom.  When you're going through a new situation that is really tough to adjust to, I think you want your family.

ChevyGirl25

Unfortunately, bablingbrooke, I think you're right on that one. We're just at completely different places in our lives and I've got to deal with it. This has happened before with other friendships, but not with anyone I was so close with. I guess that's why I'm just so disappointed. Oh well.

deb84

Two of my bridesmaids live a couple hours away from me.  One is my best friend from high school and the other my best friend from college.  The one from high school I only talk to every couple months and see a couple times a year.  (We are both very busy and just never seem to find time to meet up. )  The one from college I use to see once a month but she is really busy with nursing school right now and hasn't had as much time.  But we facebook, email, text, call at least a couple times a week (though when really busy maybe only a couple times a month).  These are two of my VERY BEST FRIENDS.  Distance changes things but doesn't have to end a friendship!  Give yourselves (Yes, BOTH of you) some time to adjust to the way things are.  Let her get use to her new lifestyle.  Maybe once she gets settled you will settle into a pattern of friendship that you are both comfortable with.  Friends don't have to see each other often to be friends. 

ChevyGirl25

Seeing each other often isn't really the problem. It's that she's lying to me about being "busy" when she's actually hanging out 10 minutes from my house. It's not only a slap in the face, but it's also just a sign that I'm not important to her. IMO, you don't LIE to someone you're "friends" with.

bablingbrooke

I do think there are some growing pains here.  You don't have to ask her to be MOH, but I also don't think that you need to give up on the friendship just yet.  I've fallen out of contact and then reconnected with friends after large life changes (end of high school, living overseas, graduating from college, moving for law school).  I've also fallen out of contact with people for good under the same circumstances.  The thing is, it's always taken more than 2 months to figure out whether we truly have nothing in common anymore, or if this is just an adjustment period.

You say she'll be "hanging out" 10 minutes away.  She may just want some alone time (god knows I did when I lived in the dorms and came home to visit--talk about a lack of privacy!) or some time with just her mom (something I also needed on home visits) or is hanging out with other people.  I get a sense that you feel almost entitled (for lack of a better word) to her time when she comes home to visit.  Yes, the frequency of your visits with her will decrease.  But it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.  

ckonidak

Honestly, it sounds like your mind is made up. You just don't like the consequences that may happen, which is natural.

You have to remember, this is your day, the wedding you've been dreaming of. Don't let something like this stress you out this far in advance. You have a few months before you have to select your WP (as long as your comfortable waiting a little bit), let alone the guest list, so stop stressing now about something that may resolve itself in time. Good luck, and I hope you figure everything out. Remember, your life is not the only one that is complicated, try and be patient with your friend as well as yourself.