2 MOH

TheFutureMrsFreckles · May 2011

So I ended up with 2 MOHs. The first is my fiancees sister...we were best friends (still are but drifted a bit)...I met my fiancee through her, she's been there for me, etc. Sooo I asked her to be my MOH. It is worth mentioning she does live out of the province and is, well, incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I love her, she knows my flaws too! But hey, I need HELP.

So, enter my bestie from highschool and on! I love this gal, she lives close, comes over several times a week and doesn't mind wedding talk, is thrilled, involved, etc. It's also worth mentioning that MOH #1 can't be bothered to answer texts, emails, etc. MOH #2 is ON IT! And trust me, I'm no bridezilla.

Sooo. First, I've yet to tell MOH#1 that there is a MOH#2 (and I'm sure we'll have a pouty dramarama). I'm not worried about that. And the ceremony? MOH#1 can hold the rings, MOH#2 can hold the flowers n veil duty. So it's all good. But:

Gifts: I will appreciate MOH#2's efforts FAR more than MOH#1, simply because she will have made such an effort. I do not want MOH#1 to get the credit that MOH2 should, as it isn't fair. So:

Is it innapproriate to give the bridal party their gifts separately so I can get MOH2 someting 'extra special'?

Heeeelllllp!!!

mbcdefg · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_2-moh-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59363418-d5bd-4ad2-b46a-429c85e572bcPost:5896538b-3f03-4f97-8f0b-be5bae80f6fd">2 MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]So I ended up with 2 MOHs. The first is my fiancees sister...we were best friends (still are but drifted a bit)...I met my fiancee through her, she's been there for me, etc. Sooo I asked her to be my MOH. It is worth mentioning she does live out of the province and is, well, incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I love her, she knows my flaws too! But hey, I need HELP. So, enter my bestie from highschool and on! I love this gal, she lives close, comes over several times a week and doesn't mind wedding talk, is thrilled, involved, etc. It's also worth mentioning that MOH #1 can't be bothered to answer texts, emails, etc. MOH #2 is ON IT! And trust me, I'm no bridezilla. Sooo. First, I've yet to tell MOH#1 that there is a MOH#2 (and I'm sure we'll have a pouty dramarama). I'm not worried about that. And the ceremony? MOH#1 can hold the rings, MOH#2 can hold the flowers n veil duty. So it's all good. But: Gifts: I will appreciate MOH#2's efforts FAR more than MOH#1, simply because she will have made such an effort. I do not want MOH#1 to get the credit that MOH2 should, as it isn't fair. So: Is it innapproriate to give the bridal party their gifts separately so I can get MOH2 someting 'extra special'? Heeeelllllp!!!
Posted by TheFutureMrsFreckles[/QUOTE]

So, basically you're upset that someone you aren't that close to and whose attitude you don't really like, but you asked to be MOH only so you could have her assistance in planning YOUR wedding, is not being helpful and cheerful and your best buddy?

Hoo boy. Step back and really take a look at what you just wrote here.

breaness · May 2011

I have to agree.

bstent · May 2011

I think it's tricky to give a more significant gift to one MOH over the other, but I do understand where you're coming from. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the MOH was out of town and not very involved, I was in town and was very involved. The bride gave all of us girls the same gift, but did tell me on multiple occassions how much she appreciated my help, and quietly told me that I had the "wrong title" and expressed her gratitude. I didn't need the recognition of having the title, although it did feel good to have my actions recognized by my friend and her husband (mother of the groom also commented on it to me, giving me a big hug and thanking me). I never had any expectations whatsoever of a gift, let alone a bigger gift than any of the other girls, and I don't think it's necessary for you to do that. I think it would be very nice of you to address how much your MOH does for you, and tell her how much you love and appreciate her.

That being said I think it's totally appropriate to give DIFFERENT gifts to each bridesmaid, making it something personal that suits the tastes of each individual. And in my opinion it's definitely ok to give the gifts to each person privately. If the two MOH's aren't friends and won't compare gifts, use your discretion and if you choose to give a bigger gift to one I'd say just make sure that the one getting a smaller gift won't find out.

jferlenda · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_2-moh-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59363418-d5bd-4ad2-b46a-429c85e572bcPost:5896538b-3f03-4f97-8f0b-be5bae80f6fd">2 MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]So I ended up with 2 MOHs. The first is my fiancees sister...we were best friends (still are but drifted a bit)...I met my fiancee through her, she's been there for me, etc. Sooo I asked her to be my MOH. It is worth mentioning she does live out of the province and is, well, incredibly thoughtless and selfish. I love her, she knows my flaws too! But hey, I need HELP. So, enter my bestie from highschool and on! I love this gal, she lives close, comes over several times a week and doesn't mind wedding talk, is thrilled, involved, etc. It's also worth mentioning that MOH #1 can't be bothered to answer texts, emails, etc. MOH #2 is ON IT! And trust me, I'm no bridezilla. Sooo. First, I've yet to tell MOH#1 that there is a MOH#2 (and I'm sure we'll have a pouty dramarama). I'm not worried about that. And the ceremony? MOH#1 can hold the rings, MOH#2 can hold the flowers n veil duty. So it's all good. But: Gifts: I will appreciate MOH#2's efforts FAR more than MOH#1, simply because she will have made such an effort. I do not want MOH#1 to get the credit that MOH2 should, as it isn't fair. So: Is it innapproriate to give the bridal party their gifts separately so I can get MOH2 someting 'extra special'? Heeeelllllp!!!
Posted by TheFutureMrsFreckles[/QUOTE]

<div>You need to do this ASAP or she's just going to be more upset with you about keeping it from her.</div>

TheFutureMrsFreckles · May 2011

Thanks, bstent!

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear and this was taken the wrong way. I'm not 'upset' about anything or anyone...it is what it is, my MOH1 was ALWAYS going to be my MOH because of our history regardless of distance. Are you telling me I can't be hurt when I don't get emails or texts returned from a friend? This makes me a bridezilla? Look I think you have some idea that I just needed help, asked her and am pissed she isn't doing more. I'm not! It is what it is...she has her flaws and I knew that. But a bridesmaid really stepped up. When I said 'I NEED HELP' I meant that's why I'm so grateful to MOH2 ("Enter MOH2'). Perhap I should have written more clearly.

So while I apologize for perhaps being unclear as to my issue...May I say that I felt that first response to be snarky? I see a lot of it here on the knot. I'm sure I've been snarky at times, but we're all getting married, it can be stressful, lets be patient with each other or dont asnwer the post. I at least stated the question clearly. Thanks again, bstent.

ADTonk · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_2-moh-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59363418-d5bd-4ad2-b46a-429c85e572bcPost:ab4bfdc7-5c41-4e9e-a9dd-78928c9aa44f">Re: 2 MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, bstent! I'm sorry I wasn't more clear and this was taken the wrong way. I'm not 'upset' about anything or anyone...it is what it is, my MOH1 was ALWAYS going to be my MOH because of our history regardless of distance. Are you telling me I can't be hurt when I don't get emails or texts returned from a friend? This makes me a bridezilla? Look I think you have some idea that I just needed help, asked her and am pissed she isn't doing more. I'm not! It is what it is...she has her flaws and I knew that. But a bridesmaid really stepped up. When I said 'I NEED HELP' I meant that's why I'm so grateful to MOH2 ("Enter MOH2'). Perhap I should have written more clearly. So while I apologize for perhaps being unclear as to my issue...May I say that I felt that first response to be snarky? I see a lot of it here on the knot. I'm sure I've been snarky at times, but we're all getting married, it can be stressful, lets be patient with each other or dont asnwer the post. I at least stated the question clearly. Thanks again, bstent.
Posted by TheFutureMrsFreckles[/QUOTE]

The first response to your question is exactly what I would have said. A MOH isn't there to HELP you plan your wedding so the fact that your MOH does not help you is not a flaw on her part. Your FI is there to help you plan your wedding - it's his wedding too.

I would tell MOH1 about MOH2 ASAP.

asomalley · May 2011

I think you were perfectly clear! I really don't understand some of these responses. I didn't hear any complaining in your post, I just gathered that you are basically wondering if it's appropriate to give one friend a more expensive gift than the other, based upon the amount of effort she has put into your wedding. If it was me, I personally would try to find a different gift for each girl that's around the same price, but show your gratitude towards MOH#2 by taking her out to dinner or a show, something along those lines.

TheFutureMrsFreckles · May 2011

Again, thank you for answering my (actual) question! I really have no worries about this arrangement...everyone will be happy, so my only issue really was showing that extra bit of appreciation! Thanks again!

And again, my issue is not about telling my MOH (she'll understand!), or handling the situation. Sometimes we brides get a little rant-y haha!

Thanks again asomalley !

TheFutureMrsFreckles · May 2011

And I must say..MANY brides and MOHs believe their role involves planning. All my girlfriends (and their girlfriends!) assume this. Just saying, these etiquette-things are difficult to just generalize that way.

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