How to tell a good friend she is not a BM

CVan86

I have a dilemma! I have my bridal party picked out - there are 5 in total. 3 are close friends for whom I have recently been a bridesmaid, one is my sister in law, and one is my close friend who I have known for 12 years. My fiance only has 4, so I already have 1 too many!

However, there is another friend who is assuming she is a bridesmaid (MOH, in fact.) In University, we were really close, and we had a "maid of honor pact" (which was silly in retrospect.) About 2 years ago we had a big falling out. We did reconnect about just over a year ago, but we are not nearly as close as we used to be. You would think, based on that, she wouldn't assume she is in the bridal party.

However, when I told her we were engaged, she said "I can't wait to go dress shopping with you!" I didn't think about it too much at the time, because I was so excited from being newly engaged. But now I realized she thinks she is a bridesmaid (or MOH.)

It's been a month and a half since then and I  haven't really seen her except once in a group setting.

Now we have plans to meet for lunch today, and I am super nervous. I know I have to say something, because of that silly MOH pact we had back in the day, and I am worried she is telling people she is in the bridal party. However, I know her, and I am pretty sure she will freak out if she isn't a bridesmaid. I still cherish her friendship and want her to attend the wedding, but she might not after this.

One of my BMs suggested I make her a "VIP" and give her special tasks. I am planning to ask her to do a reading, and maybe the guestbook and still invite her along dress shopping and to events like the rehearsal dinner and engagement party.

I am going to word it along the lines of - "I know we're not as close as we used to be, but it's important to me that you are still involved in the wedding, so would you do me the honor of doing a reading (etc.)? "

Is this a good idea?? Or is she going to freak out? What if she asks why she isn't a bridesmaid?

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-good-friend-she-is-not-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5b95f25b-bbf2-46e2-b73b-affb13b0a813Post:91f22e87-da2e-4d55-9d12-48a8e2cbe672">How to tell a good friend she is not a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a dilemma! I have my bridal party picked out - there are 5 in total. 3 are close friends for whom I have recently been a bridesmaid, one is my sister in law, and one is my close friend who I have known for 12 years. My fiance only has 4, so I already have 1 too many! However, there is another friend who is assuming she is a bridesmaid (MOH, in fact.) In University, we were really close, and we had a "maid of honor pact" (which was silly in retrospect.) About 2 years ago we had a big falling out. We did reconnect about just over a year ago, but we are not nearly as close as we used to be. You would think, based on that, she wouldn't assume she is in the bridal party. However, when I told her we were engaged, she said "I can't wait to go dress shopping with you!" I didn't think about it too much at the time, because I was so excited from being newly engaged. But now I realized she thinks she is a bridesmaid (or MOH.) It's been a month and a half since then and I  haven't really seen her except once in a group setting. Now we have plans to meet for lunch today, and I am super nervous. I know I have to say something, because of that silly MOH pact we had back in the day, and I am worried she is telling people she is in the bridal party. However, I know her, and I am pretty sure she will freak out if she isn't a bridesmaid. I still cherish her friendship and want her to attend the wedding, but she might not after this. <strong>One of my BMs suggested I make her a "VIP" and give her special tasks. I am planning to ask her to do a reading, and maybe the guestbook and still invite her along dress shopping and to events like the rehearsal dinner and engagement party.</strong> I am going to word it along the lines of - "I know we're not as close as we used to be, but it's important to me that you are still involved in the wedding, so would you do me the honor of doing a reading (etc.)? " Is this a good idea?? Or is she going to freak out? What if she asks why she isn't a bridesmaid?
Posted by CVan86[/QUOTE]

Dont say anything to her, she will figure it out. And dont make up some silly title. If you would like her to do a reading, ask her to do a reading. But dont start explaining all the reasons she isnt a BM, that will only make her feel worse.

And standing by the guestbook is NOT an honor.

bridalmarch

You can still ask her, if you want. It won't matter to anyone if your FI has 4 and you have 6. 

CVan86

Thanks for the advice all! Hopefully she will realize when I ask her to do a reading that she isn't a bridesmaid. It seems like an obvious thing to us brides, but I don't think it will be for her.

Bridalmarch, good point, but I don't want to ask her simply because we aren't as close as we used to be (and I have closer friends who are also not in the bridal party.)

I will keep you posted on how the lunch goes for anyone else in a similar situation!

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-good-friend-she-is-not-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5b95f25b-bbf2-46e2-b73b-affb13b0a813Post:91f22e87-da2e-4d55-9d12-48a8e2cbe672">How to tell a good friend she is not a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a dilemma! I have my bridal party picked out - there are 5 in total. 3 are close friends for whom I have recently been a bridesmaid, one is my sister in law, and one is my close friend who I have known for 12 years. My fiance only has 4, so I already have 1 too many! However, there is another friend who is assuming she is a bridesmaid (MOH, in fact.) In University, we were really close, and we had a "maid of honor pact" (which was silly in retrospect.) About 2 years ago we had a big falling out. We did reconnect about just over a year ago, but we are not nearly as close as we used to be. You would think, based on that, she wouldn't assume she is in the bridal party. However, when I told her we were engaged, she said "I can't wait to go dress shopping with you!" I didn't think about it too much at the time, because I was so excited from being newly engaged. But now I realized she thinks she is a bridesmaid (or MOH.) It's been a month and a half since then and I  haven't really seen her except once in a group setting. Now we have plans to meet for lunch today, and I am super nervous. I know I have to say something, because of that silly MOH pact we had back in the day, and I am worried she is telling people she is in the bridal party. However, I know her, and I am pretty sure she will freak out if she isn't a bridesmaid. I still cherish her friendship and want her to attend the wedding, but she might not after this. One of my BMs suggested I make her a "VIP" and give her special tasks. I am planning to ask her to do a reading, and maybe the guestbook and still invite her along dress shopping and to events like the rehearsal dinner and engagement party. I am going to word it along the lines of - <strong>"I know we're not as close as we used to be, but it's important to me that you are still involved in the wedding, so would you do me the honor of doing a reading </strong>(etc.)? " Is this a good idea?? Or is she going to freak out? What if she asks why she isn't a bridesmaid?
Posted by CVan86[/QUOTE]

The bolded sounds good to me.  I think this makes it clear that she is not a BM while not coming right out with "you're not a BM".  As far as whether she will freak out... I don't know her, so I couldn't tell you.  If one of my friends asked why she wasn't a bridesmaid, I would just say that I was keeping the wedding party small.  If she prompts you for more information, I really don't think there's anything you could say that won't piss her off.  You may just have to run that risk. 

Don't ask her to be a bridesmaid unless you really want her to be one.  Your numbers do NOT have to be even, which it sounds like you already know.  "One too many" is a bad way of looking at it, though.

Also, your wedding isn't for another year and a half.  There is nothing that your WP needs to do until you're inside of 6-9 months.  I would strongly encourage you to hold off on asking anyone for a while.  When your friend asks about wedding/WP details, just kick the can down the road a bit and tell her that you haven't begun thinking about WP yet and will probably wait until you're closer to the wedding.  Then change the subject.  Evaluate your relationship with this girl a year from now, and then decide if you'd like her to be a BM, a reader, a guest, or none of the above.

CVan86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-good-friend-she-is-not-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5b95f25b-bbf2-46e2-b73b-affb13b0a813Post:d01adf45-7d12-4a95-92e5-3bdde4586776">Re: How to tell a good friend she is not a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh....here we go again. I don't know WHERE people get this idea that brides and grooms must have equal numbers of attendants.  Do they think there are wedding police who go around arresting people if they don't?  And no, it doesn't "look weird", either.  People who think so are weird. You do not have "one too many" bridesmaids. You shouldn't exclude this friend on the basis of numbers.  That's an awful thing to do to a friend. You don't have to ask her if you don't WANT to have her, but definitely do not sit her down and tell her so.  To be sat down and told, "I'm not going to pick you, and here's why," is incredibly hurtful, and can cost you a friend. How you phrase it is irrelevant. There IS no nice way to do this.  She'll wonder why someone else was good enough to make the cut, and she wasn't. Bridesmaid and reader are honors.  Anything else is a made-up chore, and the friend will know it. Definitely don't give her something that involves doing work at the wedding. Please reconsider this, and ask your friend. Your wedding is one day. Friends are - hopefully - for a lifetime.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your advice.

We have made the decision to have equal numbers on both sides in our bridal party (or as close to it as we can get.) I can certainly understand and support other brides who choose to have uneven numbers. I'm not saying it looks weird, that's just our preference for our wedding. Just like a food or color scheme preference.

That isn't the reason I am not asking her to be a bridesmaid, though. We aren't as close as we used to be after our falling out, and I have closer friends that I am also not asking. It wouldn't be fair to them if I asked this friend and not them. Also, in the past she has been very unreliable and flaky (I feel horrible saying this, but it's true). Plus, I know she would have serious difficulties with the financial burden of being a bridesmaid right now. Also, my fiance really dislikes her. He is very friendly to her and is supportive of our friendship, because he loves me, but he still dislikes her, so it wouldn't be fair to him to ask her, either.

brielleinlove

Your preference for your wedding is to exclude people you care about because they are one person too many?  I'm sorry, I do not understand this mindset.

Apart from you putting numbers above friendships, just don't tell this woman that she isn't a bridesmaid.  You don't owe her an explanation.

girl4182

I wouldn't say anything about being a bridemaid. Don't bring it up. Ask her to do the reading. Tell her that it would mean the world to you if she could do it. Don't find some random task and hand it off to her so she feels included. To be honest, it would probably a more enjoyable experience if she wasa guest. 

CVan86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-good-friend-she-is-not-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5b95f25b-bbf2-46e2-b73b-affb13b0a813Post:9a6d7643-b4f2-43aa-9a43-e78d9dc5a58d">Re: How to tell a good friend she is not a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Your preference for your wedding is to exclude people you care about because they are one person too many?  I'm sorry, I do not understand this mindset. Apart from you putting numbers above friendships, just don't tell this woman that she isn't a bridesmaid.  You don't owe her an explanation.
Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

No, not at all! Like I mentioned before, my reasons for not asking her have nothing to do with numbers. I just mentioned the numbers in my original post to paint a full picture of my situation. By "1 too many", all I really meant is that the bridal party was getting too big, and we wanted to keep it small. It's a figure of speech. I don't actually think it's 1 too many. I wish I had omitted that part since everyone seems to be focused on it!

Obviously I would never actually put numbers before a friendship, that's just plain ridiculous.

I picked the 5 people I wanted to be there, and he did the same with his 4. If I had 7 people I really wanted there, then I would have asked those 7 regardless. This situation would have happened whether or not we had that preference.

CVan86

So great news, the lunch went well!

She actually brought it up, and told me straight up that she is so excited for us, but she doesn't have the time or money to commit to being a bridesmaid right now. I then asked her to do the reading and she said she would love to.

Big relief!  Some problems solve themselves.