Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...

cmgefert

I have a dilemma... I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in North Carolina. We have known each other for about 12 years and she stood up in my wedding in new york over summer. We really only keep in touch occasionally for about the past 3 years and mostly through Facebook.

So, I just started a new job as a school librarian and I teach a study skills class 4 periods a day and I honestly just feel completely swamped. I just got married over the summer and we didn't live together until we were married and we are still settling in. How do you politely tell someone that you just honestly cant be a bridesmaid?

eliseboutin

NOW! Tell them NOW! Tell her you’re honored to be asked however you cannot commit 100% to the position. I don’t normally come on these boards however I had a horrible experience over the weekend with my wedding party where one of my bridesmaids backed out of the wedding AFTER purchasing her dress and getting fitted. She struggled with telling me that she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid so she went along with it. In the end I wish when I asked her she was just honest with me instead of letting it get this far. Just tell her now and be honest. If she is a true friend she will understand

SmallenForever

Are you sure you can't be a bridesmaid? There are no other jobs involved other than showing up the day of the rehearsal and wedding. Personally, I'd be hurt if my close friend couldn't be a bridesmaid because she was busy. I mean, all you have to do is show up to the wedding. But if you really don't want to be a bridesmaid, tell her, but expect some hurt feelings. 

lauralaur

When is the wedding? Are you planning to attend either way? If the wedding is still a ways off, you may be feeling more settled in with your new life by the time her wedding rolls around. While showers and bachelorette parties are nice if you can swing it time-wise and financially, they are not necessary. If she is a true friend she will understand that you won't be participating in those events but would love to stand up for her in her wedding.

But my advice if you do not want to be in the wedding is to tell her ASAP that you love her and feel honored that she's asked but you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment and do not think you would be able to be a bridesmaid. Her feelings may be hurt but again, if she is a true friend, she will come to understand.

JaxInBlue

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-a-bridesmaid-but-just-cant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d0a644b-411f-4b29-9708-614d9aba6738Post:466f58f1-e2a6-4910-b334-687fa3ee2035">Re: Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...</a>:
[QUOTE]When is the wedding? Are you planning to attend either way? If the wedding is still a ways off, you may be feeling more settled in with your new life by the time her wedding rolls around. While showers and bachelorette parties are nice if you can swing it time-wise and financially, they are not necessary. If she is a true friend she will understand that you won't be participating in those events but would love to stand up for her in her wedding. But my advice if you do not want to be in the wedding is to tell her ASAP that you love her and feel honored that she's asked but you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment and do not think you would be able to be a bridesmaid. Her feelings may be hurt but again, if she is a true friend, she will come to understand.
Posted by lauralaur[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  Be honest with your friend either way, and hopefully she will be understanding of your constraints.

cmgefert

Her wedding is two weeks after school ends for me. I know how it felt to have bridesmaids who didn't have time and I wish that they would of told me when I asked them. I just don't want her to have hard feelings toward me when I know now I just don't have the time. I also know that I am not one to only just get a dress and go to the wedding and know I would want to go above that to help her. It's not just that I'm busy... I'm insanely busy! Lol

Summer2011Bride

Well while I understand wanting to go "above and beyond" for a good friend, as the bride, I would not expect that of anyone and would rather have you able to be a BM and just show up for my wedding than nothing at all. You truly do NOT have to do anything else except get the dress (which you could just order at home or send in your measurements). The only thing you need to devote time (and money) to besides getting the dress is flying/driving in for the actual wedding. If you are able to do that, I really would not decline. You absolutely don't need to help plan showers or parties or do DIY projects or anything of the sort.

if you feel badly about it, just mention to her you are honored and would love to be a BM but due to distance and your job would not be able to travel for any showers, parties, etc.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-a-bridesmaid-but-just-cant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d0a644b-411f-4b29-9708-614d9aba6738Post:e5a4dd30-91c1-4962-bf56-d23b5dc0aa41">Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got married over the summer and we didn't live together until we were married and we are still settling in. Posted by cmgefert[/QUOTE]

I can't even begin to imagine how this would affect your ability to be a BM, but whatever.

cmgefert

That I like to spend my free time with my husband and we are still unpacking, organizing and remodeling a household which takes up any extra time that we might have. And I'm not saying I'm the busiest person of all, everyone is busy. I wish my bridesmaids would of been honest and said that they were too busy. So, thank you ladies for your helpful suggestions.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-a-bridesmaid-but-just-cant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d0a644b-411f-4b29-9708-614d9aba6738Post:e2b5dc02-69ce-4600-8b28-b02cbf88726a">Re: Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...</a>:
[QUOTE]That I like to spend my free time with my husband and we are still unpacking, organizing and remodeling a household which takes up any extra time that we might have. And I'm not saying I'm the busiest person of all, everyone is busy. I wish my bridesmaids would of been honest and said that they were too busy. So, thank you ladies for your helpful suggestions.
Posted by cmgefert[/QUOTE]

If her wedding isn't until next summer... after you are done with work... yeah, I still can't understand this as an excuse to not be able to devote one day to your friend. It does, however, sound like you expected your BMs to put their lives on hold for your wedding and you're disappointed that they didn't.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-a-bridesmaid-but-just-cant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d0a644b-411f-4b29-9708-614d9aba6738Post:e2b5dc02-69ce-4600-8b28-b02cbf88726a">Re: Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...</a>:
[QUOTE]That I like to spend my free time with my husband and we are still unpacking, organizing and remodeling a household which takes up any extra time that we might have. And I'm not saying I'm the busiest person of all, everyone is busy. I wish my bridesmaids would of been honest and said that they were too busy. So, thank you ladies for your helpful suggestions.
Posted by cmgefert[/QUOTE]



You can't take one day off from hanging with your husband? So weird. And you've been married since June? Something else is going on here.

TheVirginians

If I were the bride and you declined because you we're too busy, I'd be pissed. I'd be thinking: I was in your wedding and supported you. You've been moved and married for four months. You have several vacations before my wedding. You will be on vacation when I get married. I'd be pissed. Everyone is busy. You can't fit me into your schedule. You're telling me I am unimportant to you. All you have to do is buy the dress and travel for one day, one night. I'd be pissed as hell. You do not value my friendship at all. It is all about you, you, you. Okay, I'm very judgmental so you can hate me but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

AimeeRab

Honestly, you really shouldn't be asking strangers what to do. We don't know your relationship with the bride to be or what circumstances you are in. You need to talk to the bride about this. Perhaps she just wants you there, and if that's what means a lot to her, lower your standards for your involvement and buy the dress and the plane ticket.

But make sure that you start the conversation with something positive, and I would let the bride know that your concerns come from a place of love. Don't be surprised if she is pissed though since she just stood in her wedding. If your friendship is strong, it will work out.

NYCMercedes

So she traveled from NC to NY for you and you won't do the same for her during your summer break? Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid for you if you aren't even good enough of a friend to reciprocate at her wedding? Did something happen at your wedding that caused a problem with her? Do you still expect to be swamped from moving and teaching in June after several school breaks? Can you put yourself in her shoes when you tell her you'll be overwhelmed in June? Have you ever seen the expression, friendship ending move, on these boards?

Kate61487

If a friend turned down my BM request but was still able to be at the wedding, I'll admit, I'd have been hurt.  As we spout all the time on this board the only thing a BM has to do is buy the dress and show up; and if one of my friends couldn't have afforded the dress I would have happily bought it for them.  So to then see them sitting there the day of the wedding but not be with me that morning or in my photos; I'd have been bummed. 

If you're not sure you'll be able to swing attending the wedding then definitely tell her asap.  But it sounds like you're completely capable of (and willing to?) doing the things actually required of a BM and are backing out b/c you don't feel like you can "give it your all".  When I look through my wedding album I'm not thinking "oh that BM didn't attend my bach party" or "oh that GM didn't help us tie ribbons on favors"  I'm thinking "look at how happy my husband and I are with our best friends in the world surrounding us"

emeejeeayen

Yeah, I think the question we all need answered is this: are you still planning on attending the wedding? 

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asked-to-be-a-bridesmaid-but-just-cant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d0a644b-411f-4b29-9708-614d9aba6738Post:e5a4dd30-91c1-4962-bf56-d23b5dc0aa41">Asked to be a bridesmaid but just can't...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a dilemma... I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in North Carolina. We have known each other for about 12 years and she stood up in my wedding in new york over summer. We really only keep in touch occasionally for about the past 3 years and mostly through Facebook. So, I just started a new job as a school librarian and I teach a study skills class 4 periods a day and I honestly just feel completely swamped. I just got married over the summer and we didn't live together until we were married and we are still settling in. How do you politely tell someone that you just honestly cant be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cmgefert[/QUOTE]

If you don't want to be a BM, politely tell your friend that you can't take on that role right now but you do still care about her very much.

<div>My own MOH was an out-of-state first year teacher who had just moved into her first apartment, so it's not in and of itself preventative, particularly when, like me and your friend, the wedding is planned during a school break.</div><div>
</div><div>Why did you ask this woman to be in your bridal party if you feel like you "only keep in touch occasionally?"</div>