Can't Choose!

pumpkinpie1922

I am having a dillemma with the choosing of wedding party. I am trying to figure out this situation and there seems to be a lot of factors in choosing. I have only ever known that my maid of honor would be my sister and my fiances sister would be a bridesmaid as well, and of course their husbands, groomsmen.

I really only want four couples. But I do not have that many close girl firends anymore.

I also don't know how I feel about being obligated to ask someone to be a bridesmaid, just because I was in their wedding as well. Side note: I have been in Five weddings in the past 5 years.

The only best friend I do have is a guy, a gay guy of course. So I want to include him but as it goes, the fiance already has four guys picked. Best friend, My BIL, his BIL, and his one and only cousin.

I need help. I don't even know where to begin. Thoughts??

mbcdefg

You're not filling slots, you're honoring friends. If you don't have as many close buddies as your FI, that's fine. Ask who you want, and don't go looking for random people to fill in the sides. That's incredibly insulting to people, to just ask them mainly to be a space-filler.

Why does it matter that the guy friend is gay? You're not allowed to have straight male friends?

If he's a good friend, ask him to stand on your side. The sides don't need to be divided according to genitalia. He can wear a tux/suit like the groomsmen, and his vest or tie or boutonniere can play off the colors your female attendants wear.

pumpkinpie1922

First off, of course I would not dictate the husbands to be grooms men, because in reality they are all the closet friends he has. Plus I can choose a groomsman of my liking being the fact the it is our wedding party. Like I said I know clean and clear that is my sister that I want as well as my Future Sister in law to be seeing as we were friends before I started dating my Fiance.

My best friends sexuality, wheather people like to admit or not is still frowned upon. Everyone has there stigmas and being married in a catholic church and having him on my side of the wedding party, with all the girls, I don't want to make a statment but, that is all anybody would see.

I am thinking numbers because I dont want a crowd, and yes I want symmetry.

Please stop acting offended because I mentioned he was gay. He is, he is not afraid of the information. I was simply sharing.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:9b88c267-7b81-43b5-9966-da7673793904">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, of course I would not dictate the husbands to be grooms men, because in reality they are all the closet friends he has. Plus I can choose a groomsman of my liking being the fact the it is our wedding party. Like I said I know clean and clear that is my sister that I want as well as my Future Sister in law to be seeing as we were friends before I started dating my Fiance. My best friends sexuality, wheather people like to admit or not is still frowned upon. Everyone has there stigmas and being married in a catholic church and having him on my side of the wedding party, with all the girls, I don't want to make a statment but, that is all anybody would see. I am thinking numbers because I dont want a crowd, and yes I want symmetry.<strong> Please stop acting offended because I mentioned he was gay. </strong>He is, he is not afraid of the information. I was simply sharing.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]

It's irrelevant to the discussion.  You didn't identify the sexuality of any other potential members of the WP. 

Mixed gender WPs are hardly brand new, and people really won't think anything about it.  7 years ago my friend had her brother as her honor attendant, and her DH had his sister as his honor attendant.

Google mixed gender WPs.  You'll see plenty of examples, and I'm willing to bet that as you look at the photos, you can't tell the sexuality of anyone in the pics.

jaimed99

It's YOUR wedding...who cares what others see? If he is important enough to you to want him to stand up with you, that's all that should matter. Neither his gender nor his sexuality affects your opinion of him, does it?

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:9b88c267-7b81-43b5-9966-da7673793904">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friends sexuality, wheather people like to admit or not is still frowned upon. Everyone has there stigmas and being married in a catholic church and having him on my side of the wedding party, with all the girls, I don't want to make a statment but, that is all anybody would see.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]

But how does his sexuality make a difference here? He's not going to be wearing a big sign around his neck at the ceremony saying, "I like to have sex with men."

Just because a guy is a bride's attendant doesnt automatically make him gay, and it doesn't make any kind of statement other than, "This man is a close friend/relative of the bride, so he's standing for her at her wedding." Who'd be closed-minded enough to be sitting in the pews and whispering, "There's a man standing for the bride ... he must be A Gay!"

I'm Catholic, and our priest didn't ask any questions about our attendants' sexuality when we told him who'd be in our wedding party. His only concern was that our Best Man and MOH, who'd be signing as our witnesses, were Catholic. My (straight) brother could've stood on my side and it would have been absolutely permissible.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:9b88c267-7b81-43b5-9966-da7673793904">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am thinking numbers because I dont want a crowd, and yes I want symmetry.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]

Why? What would possibly happen if the sides aren't even?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:9b88c267-7b81-43b5-9966-da7673793904">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, of course I would not dictate the husbands to be grooms men, because in reality they are all the closet friends he has. Plus I can choose a groomsman of my liking being the fact the it is our wedding party. Like I said I know clean and clear that is my sister that I want as well as my Future Sister in law to be seeing as we were friends before I started dating my Fiance. My best friends sexuality, wheather people like to admit or not is still frowned upon. Everyone has there stigmas and being married in a catholic church and having him on my side of the wedding party, with all the girls, I don't want to make a statment but, that is all anybody would see. I am thinking numbers because I dont want a crowd, and yes I want symmetry. Please stop acting offended because I mentioned he was gay. He is, he is not afraid of the information. I was simply sharing.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]<div>No you may NOT choose the GM of your liking.  It's his side and he picks it; you get your side to pick.  An attitude like that has led to many a miserable WP and broken engagement.  </div><div>
</div><div>I am Catholic and no priest I know would boot a gay WP member, and there's no reason for him to know that about him anyway.  I was in my friend's WP a couple years ago and one of the other BMs was gay.  It wasn't any sort of issue because no one made it one.  People like you who paint the Catholic church as a bigot institution make me sick.  I have also been to Catholic weddings that had a man on the bride's side and vice-versa.  So stop blaming a religion for your own fussiness.  It wouldn't be making a statement--it would be having your friend stand up next to you.  Unfortunately YOU seem to embarrassed by him to let that happen.
</div><div>
</div><div>Believe it or not we're giving you advice based on 1) common sense, 2) being there ourselves, and 3) trying to stop you from alienating others.  Rather than getting snippy and dismissing it outright, you could absorb it and think about it.</div>

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:1f3c7841-d9cd-44b1-a1e9-58afeed878d9">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend is a gay guy I mean come on, how offensive is that. Really.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]

But please explain why you feel it necessary to include his sexualtiy when you speak about him.  Why can't you just say "My best friend is a guy?"

There just isn't any need, at all, to qualify it more than that.  Would you say "I don't have a lot of women friends, but the one I like most is straight?"

pumpkinpie1922

Broken engagments? Wow I better hope my fiance doesnt take my ring back because I want  a cousin to be a groomsman. Oh dear!

I forgot to mention my gay BFF wants to wear a dress!!

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:1f3c7841-d9cd-44b1-a1e9-58afeed878d9">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend is a gay guy I mean come on, how offensive is that. Really.
Posted by pumpkinpie1922[/QUOTE]

<div>Nothing...what's offensive is that you continue to make a point of his sexuality when it is, in fact, COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT! As was said before, it's not like he's wearing a big sign that says, "I'M GAY", so unless you make a point to announce it, no one will know...and those who do know, won't care. He is your BEST FRIEND, and that's all that should matter when you choose your WP...not even sides, not gender, and especially not their sexuality...</div>

bablingbrooke

Brides who have gone over the edge in putting style over substance have lost FIs over it.  It happens every day.  I'm just saying you're going down a road that makes few people happy.

Tell your BFF no dress.  Dictating the guidelines of the WP's attire (be they gay men or straight women) is totally within your rights.  

I'm starting to think troll or MUD...

mbcdefg

You're missing the point. The point is that his sexuality does not affect whether or not he can be your attendant. You're twisting it around to make it seem like we're all taking offense that you're friends with a gay man.

At any rate, to (again) answer your actual question ... you pick who you want, and your FI picks who he wants. Regardless of numbers, sexuality or gender.

If you want two girls as your bridesmaids, fine. If you want your two brothers-in-law and your guy friend included, fine, but that doesn't mean that they're automatically groomsmen just because they're men. By all means talk it out with your FI, but there's nothing stopping you from including them on your own side. You don't get to say, "I want Steve, Bill and Jon included, so they're going to be your groomsmen, honey." Even if you're including your future sister-in-law as a bridesmaid of your own volition. If you didn't like your FSIL, wouldn't you be pissed if your FI said, "My sister's going to be your bridesmaid, no exceptions"?

Get over the idea that the sides must be perfectly even. It has no bearing on the validity of your marriage or the quality of your photos. If it happens to work out that the sides happen to be even (which was the case with my wedding), fine ... but don't include a random slot-filler, or exclude a good friend, just to keep the sides even. It's a crappy way to treat people.

This will be a LOT easier if you just say, "Who must be at my side when I'm getting married?" and if you ask those people. And if you leave it to your FI to do the same. Boom, done, end of story. Worrying about numbers and how bigoted guests will react to a male bridal attendant is just going to make this all into a HUGE issue, when it absolutely does not need to be.

pumpkinpie1922

Tell me why can't I mention that he is gay. Is there something unjust about it? Its probably why we can be friends the most. He is not a girl but likes guys, he's still a guy but, is not attracted to girls. It's easy and I find it's the best part without all the girly junk and cliques and gossip. Much like this.

bablingbrooke

It's not that you can't say it, it just isn't relevant to ANYTHING related to the wedding.  The fact that you keep bringing it up as a reason to exclude him, when he otherwise, as your BFF, should be up there with you, is very closed-minded.  You're calling attention to something that makes no difference and shouldn't be an issue whatsoever with regard to the wedding.

Put substance before style and you'll be a happier bride.

jaimed99

Are you reading these responses, or just picking out what you want to read? NO ONE has said anything about your being friends with a gay man. We are saying that you seem to be basing your decision on that particular fact and it's not only offensive, but just plain not cool. I wonder what your friend would say, were he reading this thread...

Base your choice on your relationships with people...if he is the person you would call at 3am to bail you out of jail...or better yet, would be the one sitting next to you in the cell asking WTF happened...then put him next to you. It doesn't matter why you are friends, his gender preference, or even his gender. The basic fact is that he is your BFF and you want him to stand with you when you get married.

pumpkinpie1922

This board is sooo serious! I mentioned gay, and you all ran with it, to attack. So down, ladies, down.

The main point would be everyone would be set off with the whole guy on the girl side thing. Being gay is an afterthought, but I just shared this on the board.

Plus I am so glad I caught myself before me and my fiance had full blown fight about our wedding party. Especially since he mentioned we didnt have to have one of the other guys in my wedding, in exchange for my gay BFF...ok..ok....my male BFF.

Thanks you! All of you wedding gurus, you are lifesavers. What a delcious does of female angst!

mbcdefg

At any rate, to (again) answer your actual question ... you pick who you want, and your FI picks who he wants. Regardless of numbers, sexuality or gender.

If you want two girls as your bridesmaids, fine. If you want your two brothers-in-law and your guy friend included, fine, but that doesn't mean that they're automatically groomsmen just because they're men. By all means talk it out with your FI, but there's nothing stopping you from including them on your own side. You don't get to say, "I want Steve, Bill and Jon included, so they're going to be your groomsmen, honey." Even if you're including your future sister-in-law as a bridesmaid of your own volition. If you didn't like your FSIL, wouldn't you be pissed if your FI said, "My sister's going to be your bridesmaid, no exceptions"?

Get over the idea that the sides must be perfectly even. It has no bearing on the validity of your marriage or the quality of your photos. If it happens to work out that the sides happen to be even (which was the case with my wedding), fine ... but don't include a random slot-filler, or exclude a good friend, just to keep the sides even. It's a crappy way to treat people.

This will be a LOT easier if you just say, "Who must be at my side when I'm getting married?" and if you ask those people. And if you leave it to your FI to do the same. Boom, done, end of story. Worrying about numbers and how bigoted guests will react to a male bridal attendant is just going to make this all into a HUGE issue, when it absolutely does not need to be.

bablingbrooke

Really?  Riots would ensue at your wedding if someone with a penis stood on the bride's side?  In LA of all places?  Yeah, I'm buying that...

pumpkinpie1922

Also yes I would have a FSIL in my wedding party if fiance asked. Because, no matter what she is family, she is my fiance's sister. Family is very important, and sometimes we just have to suck it up. Excluding a sister is far more tragic.

bablingbrooke

Are you even reading the responses?

pumpkinpie1922

I dont know why that says LA....hmm must check.

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:c6911da1-07e5-47a0-982e-b198de05aeed">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you even reading the responses?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>I believe I asked that as well...and from subsequent responses, I assume the answer is no.</div>

pumpkinpie1922

Who knows?!? There are so many words. Everyone just gets so fired up its funny.

This is a serious matter people! I on the other hand will just go on living.

But I have decided I will have my cousin also be a groomsman, and I will have my "male" BFF be a bridesmaid and wear a dress, and have fun with all my straight bridesmaids.

bablingbrooke

Well, wherever you are, I assure you that no one cares about your WP enough to get huffy about it.  StageManager lives in Arkansas, a VERY conservative area, and had a male MOH.  I have no idea if he's gay or straight, it never came up.  But somehow her wedding was incident-free over the gender of the WP.  Yours will be too.

Manwaithiel

As I see it you have only a few options.

Ditch the uneven side phobia and pick people you want next to you and stop meddling in your FI's groomsmen choices.

OR...

Keep the even sides, continue to meddle with your FI's side and not have a male on your side because you think it will look weird when everyone couldn't care less.

I mean the choice is yours.

PS: Are you really going to have 3 couples, one other girl without her husband and then put your friend in his "slot"? You don't think that's going to make the odd husband out feel weird? At all???

AdeleDazeem

::giggling in the corner::

Post more, OP - your logic intrigues me.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-choose?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddeac28-51c8-4b9b-9a90-2ee845518f1cPost:3d9408ee-9c29-4d49-b1a0-361bf0fd5fd9">Re: Can't Choose!</a>:
[QUOTE]As I see it you have only a few options. Ditch the uneven side phobia and pick people you want next to you and stop meddling in your FI's groomsmen choices. OR...<strong> Keep the even sides, continue to meddle with your FI's side and not have a male on your side because you think it will look weird when everyone couldn't care less.</strong> I mean the choice is yours. PS: Are you really going to have 3 couples, one other girl without her husband and then put your friend in his "slot"? You don't think that's going to make the odd husband out feel weird? At all???
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
OP, I think that's the answer you want to hear, so just keep doing what you are doing.

No one cares if your BFF is gay.  No one is attacking you or him or anyone gay or straight.  We were only asking why you felt the need to mention it since it has absolutely nothing to do with the wedding.  It's almost as if you were trying to justify to us why you'd have a male bff (thinking the only reason that would be ok was if he was gay.)  Seriously.  We don't care.  I never would've thought "OMG, I wonder if he is gay?!?!?! OMGZZZZ"  So calm down.

I totally agree with PPs in that you should have the people closest to you stand on your side, regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender, family relationship, etc.  So if FI's sister is one of your good friends, then of course, by all means, ask her to be one of your BMs.

pumpkinpie1922

I am already standing in that corner. Me and gay BFF are havning a blast reading these ladies responses.

Well in reality I am not leaving anyone's husbands out of course. It was fiance who mentioned it and I told him no.

I really dont see the whole meddling with the groomsmen things, since we have been together so long our friends and family are intertwined.. so thats not an issue.

BFF wants to just stand with groomsmen as well, he was curious about the issue as well and asked me to post it. I already mentioned to him that people do this all the time. I have lurked, I have been around the wedding block. Its funny to see what one little word can bring up a whole can of worms.

pumpkinpie1922

Yes really cause no one has prejudices against gay people at all. Get real!

Besides I mentioned it in pass like oh yay my gay BFF, I was proud of it and I shared.

frogurt814

OP, maybe you are looking for examples of this?

H's sister got married a few years ago.  One of her husband's sisters is gay and is in a long term relationship with another woman.  At SIL's wedding, her husband's sister stood on SIL's side and her partner stood on her husband's side.  She would've stood on SIL's side but she said she'd feel more comfortable standing with the groomsmen.  She had an equally close relationship with the bride and the groom.

Last year, SIL's husband's other sister (confusing, I know) got married.  Her gay sister stood on her side, and so did her partner.  She had a closer relationship with the sister then she did with the man the sister was marrying. 

Manwaithiel

You're such a cute (read: not cute) troll.