Issue with Uneven Attendants

corri1981

My fiance and I had our attendants originally planned out as 5 on each side. My parents said they would pay for the vast majority of the wedding but they would like me to ask my brother to be a part of the wedding because they believe his feelings might be hurt if he is not. This makes for 6 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. I tried to explain to my fiance that this is no big deal - we can send down my last bridesmaid with 2 groomsmen, but he is insisting that he is uncomfortable with this scenario. He thinks that doing this makes it clear that we hadn't planned on having my brother in the party at all (Which is true since we do not have a close relationship) and it will be awkward for all involved. My fiance has not officially asked anyone to stand up on his side yet, but he is not willing to subtract any of his planned groomsmen either.  I could maybe come up with one additional bridesmaid but it would be awkward for me to be forced to ask an acquaintance. I had originally planned to simply ask my brother if he would prefer to be an usher or part of the wedding party, though we believe he would probably choose to be a groomsman over an usher. I have also mentioned this situation to my parents and they did not seem to be satisfied with him being an usher. I should also clarify that I have no problem with my brother being part of the wedding at all, no matter if he's a member of the wedding party or an usher. What advice can anyone give?

vsgal

First, uneven sides are perfectly acceptable and not given a side-eye by your guests. If you want 6 and he wants five, that is fine. 

Second, you pick your attendants and your FI picks his.  If your FI doesn't want to include your brother on his side, he does not have to.  You can include him on your side if you want.  Opposite sex attendants are also perfectly acceptable and not given a side-eye.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:3dec204d-a415-42ed-b58a-36618d359e2f">Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I had our attendants perfectly planned out as 5 on each side. He has quite a few more friends than I do and already had to cut his groomsmen down to meet this total of 5. Now, my parents said they would pay for the vast majority of the wedding with one stipulation: they want me to ask my brother to be a part of the wedding. This makes for 6 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. I tried to explain to my fiance that this is no big deal - we can send down my last bridesmaid with 2 groomsmen, but he is insisting that he is uncomfortable with this scenario. He thinks that doing this makes it clear that we hadn't planned on having my brother in the party at all (Which is true since we do not have a close relationship) and it will be awkward for all involved. He is not willing to budge on his party and ask any of his 5 planned groomsmen to step down. I could maybe come up with one additional bridesmaid but it would start to feel awkward for me to be forced to ask someone else. What advice can anyone give?
Posted by corri1981[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The idea that both you and your FI should have the same number of friends standing up for you makes 0 sense.  </div><div>
</div><div>If your FI doesn't want to include your brother on his side, put your brother on your side.  And for god's sakes, tell your FI to invite the rest of the guys that he originally excluded over your absurd number restriction.</div><div>
</div><div>People matter more than numbers.  Always.  

</div>

saric83

Ditto PP's about uneven numbers being totally fine.

Also, it would NOT be okay for your FI to ask a friend to "step down".  That's incredibly rude and isn't an option. 

If your FI doesn't want to add another groomsmen, why not add your brother as an usher?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:3dec204d-a415-42ed-b58a-36618d359e2f">Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I had our attendants perfectly planned out as 5 on each side. He has quite a few more friends than I do and already had to cut his groomsmen down to meet this total of 5. Now, my parents said they would pay for the vast majority of the wedding with one stipulation: they want me to ask my brother to be a part of the wedding. This makes for 6 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. I tried to explain to my fiance that this is no big deal - we can send down my last bridesmaid with 2 groomsmen, but he is insisting that he is uncomfortable with this scenario. He thinks that doing this makes it clear that we hadn't planned on having my brother in the party at all (Which is true since we do not have a close relationship) and it will be awkward for all involved. He is not willing to budge on his party and ask any of his 5 planned groomsmen to step down. I could maybe come up with one additional bridesmaid but it would start to feel awkward for me to be forced to ask someone else. What advice can anyone give?
Posted by corri1981[/QUOTE]
To put this into perspective...
He's afraid your brother will look like an afterthought... but he wants you to actually add someone in as an afterthought. THAT'S awkward.
People won't think your brother is an afterthought because he's your brother, but they'll KNOW your added person is.

I'd either pay for the wedding yourself or go ahead with uneven sides.

On an even more important note... what does your brother think about this? Does he actually care either way? Actually... yeah. Before you do anything, does your brother even care about being in your wedding party?

kmmssg

Your FI is being ridiculous.  Do a google search of images of uneven sides and show him how common this is.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:3dec204d-a415-42ed-b58a-36618d359e2f">Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I had our attendants perfectly planned out as 5 on each side. He has quite a few more friends than I do and already had to cut his groomsmen down to meet this total of 5. <strong>Now, my parents said they would pay for the vast majority of the wedding with one stipulation: they want me to ask my brother to be a part of the wedding.</strong> This makes for 6 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids. I tried to explain to my fiance that this is no big deal - we can send down my last bridesmaid with 2 groomsmen, but he is insisting that he is uncomfortable with this scenario. He thinks that doing this makes it clear that we hadn't planned on having my brother in the party at all (Which is true since we do not have a close relationship) and it will be awkward for all involved. He is not willing to budge on his party and ask any of his 5 planned groomsmen to step down. I could maybe come up with one additional bridesmaid but it would start to feel awkward for me to be forced to ask someone else. What advice can anyone give?
Posted by corri1981[/QUOTE]

Hold the phone here....
Your PARENTS are dictating YOUR wedding party?!? That is bizzare and controlling.

So they would/could force your brother to participate, much like they're forcing you to ask him? Could you discuss the scenario privately with your brother?  I'm sure he'd say no to being in the WP (especially since you're not close)

Or, problem solved...pay for your own wedding.

corri1981

Very good point! I didn't even think about this. I will bring this up to my FI that I can include my brother on my side and he can ask his other friends if he wants. Plus, boutonnieres are a heck of a lot less expensive than bouquets! LOL. Thanks everyone!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:defd9495-c702-4a9b-93bf-a87432015393">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]First, uneven sides are perfectly acceptable and not given a side-eye by your guests. If you want 6 and he wants five, that is fine.  Second, you pick your attendants and your FI picks his.  If your FI doesn't want to include your brother on his side, he does not have to.  You can include him on your side if you want.  Opposite sex attendants are also perfectly acceptable and not given a side-eye.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

corri1981

Maybe I was not being totally clear - I did not put ANY number restriction on our wedding party. I was and am totally fine with uneven attendants, and the FI is the one that has the issue with this...  I think he is hung up on it because I don't believe we have ever been to a wedding with uneven attendants (whether this is a regional thing or if other people are hung up on it, I have no idea). I personally really couldn't care less if anyone has a negative opinion about it. I think it's our wedding and we should do what we want, regardless of how guests/friends feel about it.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:95fa3774-dca9-4c97-b986-567479103efc">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Issue with Uneven Attendants : The idea that both you and your FI should have the same number of friends standing up for you makes 0 sense.   If your FI doesn't want to include your brother on his side, put your brother on your side.  And for god's sakes, tell your FI to invite the rest of the guys that he originally excluded over your absurd number restriction. People matter more than numbers.  Always.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

corri1981

The parents are not OK with him as an usher.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:6d4bd2cb-ae1a-4f3c-a5be-34c3f5d8eb97">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto PP's about uneven numbers being totally fine. Also, it would NOT be okay for your FI to ask a friend to "step down".  That's incredibly rude and isn't an option.  If your FI doesn't want to add another groomsmen, why not add your brother as an usher?
Posted by saric83[/QUOTE]

corri1981

I wish it was that easy to just turn down a very large amount of money! Unfortunately we do not have that luxury right now. "Dictating" is a strong word. They both approached me and said they felt his feelings would be hurt if we did not ask him to be involved somehow.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:447bc681-f9e5-4b4a-ad84-c2a12ab30e4f">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Issue with Uneven Attendants : Hold the phone here.... Your PARENTS are dictating YOUR wedding party?!? That is bizzare and controlling. So they would/could force your brother to participate, much like they're forcing you to ask him? Could you discuss the scenario privately with your brother?  I'm sure he'd say no to being in the WP (especially since you're not close) Or, problem solved...pay for your own wedding.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:8a14a3c0-f2f6-4bb2-995a-534695734c3a">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish it was that easy to just turn down a very large amount of money! Unfortunately we do not have that luxury right now. "Dictating" is a strong word. They both approached me and said they felt his feelings would be hurt if we did not ask him to be involved somehow. In Response to Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants :
Posted by corri1981[/QUOTE]

So the conversation went: "Corri and FI, brother Johnny's feelings will be hurt if he is not a Groomsman. Therefore, ask him to be a groomsman or we will not pay for your wedding" ?

That seems like dictating to me.

I can speak from experience, as we didn't have any of my DH's siblings in our WP. Yeah, some feelings were "hurt" a bit, I guess. But, we just didn't make a big deal of it. The people in our WP were our nearest & dearest...not individuals we felt obligated to include.

corri1981

My original post was misleading and I have edited it so it no longer comes across that way. In no way, shape or form did my parents say they would not continue to contribute if my brother was not involved. In fact, they have already provided me with half the total amount in order to put down vendor deposits. I simply am trying to convey that I feel as though I'm in the middle of the whole thing and my back is up against the wall. I want to keep my parents happy BECAUSE they are being extremely generous and certainly don't want my brother's feelings hurt either, but I also don't want to discount my FI's feelings.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:c27571cb-94fa-4c18-a7f1-4b58665961fa">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants : So the conversation went: "Corri and FI, brother Johnny's feelings will be hurt if he is not a Groomsman. Therefore, ask him to be a groomsman or we will not pay for your wedding" ? That seems like dictating to me. I can speak from experience, as we didn't have any of my DH's siblings in our WP. Yeah, some feelings were "hurt" a bit, I guess. But, we just didn't make a big deal of it. The people in our WP were our nearest & dearest...not individuals we felt obligated to include.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Kate61487

I think having your brother on your side and your FI getting to ask more of the people he originally wanted to is a great compromise.

For future reference:  Please don't edit your original post.  It confuses others who may be coming to look for similar advice or give advice  i.e. when I read a PP who said your FI excluded people to get to 5 and the OP that I read said nothing about that.  If you have additional info to give you can "edit" but leave the original post as it was and add "ETA: ___blah blah blah" to the end (ETA = edited to add)

hayleysj

This seems pretty simple to me. Explain to your fiance that it would be important for you and your family to have him as a groomsmen. Regardless of how close you are, he is your brother, and it does matter. Having an uneven bridal party is no issue at all and just explain that to your fiance. My fiance asked me if it would be okay for us to be uneven because he wants to add another friend. While at first I thought it seemed weird, I quickly realized that it really meant nothing and it would be much better for us to be uneven than for me to invite someone I am not as close with. I will have a wedding party of 5 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen. I think your fiance should be able to understand that your brother is important to the family. As for those who have implied that her parents are dictating...if they are contributing a fair amount to the wedding, the least she can do is have her own brother in the wedding at their request. My mom was left out of her brother's wedding and still feels a little sad towards my aunt about it to this day...

mabapunta

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issue-with-uneven-attendants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:607815e9-7687-49e7-9198-043f92113922Post:93dee632-9f05-4153-8b77-c99c29d78f73">Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I was not being totally clear - I did not put ANY number restriction on our wedding party. I was and am totally fine with uneven attendants, and the FI is the one that has the issue with this...  I think he is hung up on it because I don't believe we have ever been to a wedding with uneven attendants (whether this is a regional thing or if other people are hung up on it, I have no idea). I personally really couldn't care less if anyone has a negative opinion about it. I think it's our wedding and we should do what we want, regardless of how guests/friends feel about it. In Response to Re: Issue with Uneven Attendants :
Posted by corri1981[/QUOTE]

I can understand. I'm in the same boat with my FI not wanting uneven sides of the WP. I knew pretty much immediately who I wanted as MOH and BMs and I asked them this past Spring. FI has chosen Best Man and one GM but is unsure of the last person - I think because he's choosing between two guys he's not super close with. I've tried to explain that uneven sides is fine - the party would just walk out single file with girl/guy/girl/etc but my FI thinks it's weird. We haven't been to a wedding with uneven sides, and although I'm fine with, I haven't been able to convince him that it's not a big deal. Googling it may be a good idea to make a point tho :-P We kept family out of it, but only because neither of us are close enough with anyone.

As for your situation - I agree with maybe asking your parents if your brother has shown any inclination to be in the wedding. If so, and if you're cool with it, see if he will stand on your side. I know it's not the "traditional" way because my FI thinks it's weird as well, but it seems to be very common now. Either way, I hope it works out!

Dreamergirl8812

Yay I'm so glad you asked this question. If you didn't post this question than I would have. I want 3 bridesmaids and my fiance wants 2 groomsmen. Yay!

Anyway, I think your parents have a right to make a few requests, especially if they're paying. If they're being controlling, that's a different story, but weddings really are about family. I think that if your fiance is ok with having your brother on his side then that's what should happen. If not, have him on your side. Like a bunch of people said, people matter the most.

TheVirginians

Your brother could be a reader.