Need advice. Made a wrong choice.

tamraj09

Hello all,

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-made-wrong-choice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:646513cc-4b5b-453b-bfd2-ff9706320fb5Post:55a89eff-f72e-4396-8eec-5465d364ce3b">Need advice. Made a wrong choice.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello  all - I need some quick advice. Here's the story - My fiance propsed on March 9, 2009. Super excited, we just enjoyed the time for about 3 weeks before we started planning. The FIRST thing I did was pick my wedding party. AUGH! Big mistake. We found our venue & in turn, had our wedding date SET! The wedding is in 96 days, July 17, 2010.  The first red flag regarding my wedding party should have been the fact that I can NEVER get in touch with (who I thought) was my BF, we have known eachother since we were, ohhh.....12? And we're both knockin' on 30's door now! Anywhoooo.....finally got in touch with her, told her the good news & asked her to be my Maid of Honor. She immediately accepted, and promised me that she would be there for me, for WHATever I needed & WHENever I needed her. I COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF HER FOR 7 MONTHS after that. And NO, I am not kidding. During those 7 months, we had our wedding venue, booked the DJ's, photographers, catering, I got my dress, we picked tuxes, etc. So fast forward to about, ohhhh, 6 weeks ago, I made appointments for all 3 of the bridesmaids & the 2 flower girls (one of them is MOH daughter!) to look @ dresses and stuff. She showed up an HOUR LATE, and started telling me to do this, that and the other thing, what colors I need to use, what style of dresses, started going on and on and on about PHOTOGRAPHERS, CATERERS & DJ's that I should look into, because she knows them. I was so frustrated..... I'm sure you're wondering who has been helping me with stuff....one of my bridesmaids, who, is truly my BF - and is around whenever I need her . Anyway, she got measured that day, but didn't order her dress. After that day, I didn't hear from her for almost a month. Which @ that time, she told me - "We have 4 and a half months, I'll order it, don't worry". Didn't hear from her. For anything, at all, for another month after that. I ended up confronting her, in a polite manner, and finding out she's super busy, 2 little kids, working part time, etc. I asked her if she felt she had the time that was needed to plan the Bridal Shower & Bachelorette parties & she was really not sure. Right then and there, I straight up asked her "Would it be easier if you were not the MOH?" And she admitted to me that she appreciated that I understood she is a busy person, and we live about an hour away from eachother. She also noted that the other BM totally deserves the title, and that it would not at all hurt her feelings. DONE! EVERYONE IS HAPPY! Until NOW. I found another dress that I think would be totally cute on her, and I have been trying to get together with her to try it on (all 3 have different style dresses), but to no avail. So almost 4 weeks ago, after asking her about it, she told me, FINALLY, that she ordered both her dress & her daughters flower girl dress! YAY! I had a fitting last week, and while I was there, I was checking on the order statuses of all the dresses. Her name was nowhere to be found. I contacted her & come to find out......................SHE LIED. SHE LIED TO ME. She never ordered the dresses, and went OFF on me because she's been sick a few days, and busy. I am at a loss. I have better friends than her, and I am really feeling as if I should not have asked her in the first place. Would I be better off having her as a GUEST @ my wedding? Would she even show up? I'll listen to whatever you have to say!!!! Lay it on me!
Posted by tamraj09[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>CN: OP asked MOH too early.  They aren't as close as they used to be.  MOH is not being a brideslave.  MOH told OP that she ordered dresses, but she didn't.  OP wants to kick her out.  

</div>

suz62984

OK - that was long.

Yes it is annoying that you couldn't get in touch with her and that when she did come to the dress shop she bombarded you with tons of vendor information, but she was probably just trying to help out.

Yes it was stupid for her to lie to you but just tell her that she needs to get the dress by ________ date. If she does than she is in your wedding. If not, then oh well. Sides don't need to even or anything.

MOHs and BMs don't have to help you with every little detail; they have lives too and aren't available every second of every day. My MOH is in Arizona on a job that keeps her busy 180% of the time. I've talked to her twice in the past 6 months of wedding planning. She won't be back until 4 days before the wedding. I still love her and I understand. I'm a big girl and I can plan on my own.

Have you called just to talk with her? Just to be a friend and not talk about wedding stuff?

wcvsb3b5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-made-wrong-choice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:646513cc-4b5b-453b-bfd2-ff9706320fb5Post:55a89eff-f72e-4396-8eec-5465d364ce3b">Need advice. Made a wrong choice.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello  all - I need some quick advice. Here's the story - My fiance propsed on March 9, 2009. Super excited, we just enjoyed the time for about 3 weeks before we started planning. <strong>The FIRST thing I did was pick my wedding party. AUGH! Big mistake.</strong>
<font color="#003366">Can we mark this for future posters?</font>


 We found our venue & in turn, had our wedding date SET! The wedding is in 96 days, July 17, 2010.  The first red flag regarding my wedding party should have been the fact that I can NEVER get in touch with (who I thought) was my BF, we have known eachother since we were, ohhh.....12? And we're both knockin' on 30's door now! Anywhoooo.....finally got in touch with her, told her the good news & asked her to be my Maid of Honor. She immediately accepted, and promised me that she would be there for me, for WHATever I needed & WHENever I needed her.<strong> I COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF HER FOR 7 MONTHS after that</strong>.
 <font color="#003366">Did you try to get ahold of her about anything not-wedding related?</font>

And NO, I am not kidding. During those 7 months, we had our wedding venue, booked the DJ's, photographers, catering, I got my dress, we picked tuxes, etc. So fast forward to about, ohhhh, 6 weeks ago, I made appointments for all 3 of the bridesmaids & the 2 flower girls (one of them is MOH daughter!) to look @ dresses and stuff. She showed up an HOUR LATE, and started telling me to do this, that and the other thing, what colors I need to use, what style of dresses, started going on and on and on about PHOTOGRAPHERS, CATERERS & DJ's that I should look into, because she knows them.
 <font color="#003366">That sucks, but the only thing you can do is shrug it off.</font>

I was so frustrated..... <strong>I'm sure you're wondering who has been helping me with stuff...</strong>.one of my bridesmaids, who, is truly my BF - and is around whenever I need her .
<font color="#003366">Nope, wasn't wondering at all. You could do this yourself...</font>

Anyway, she got measured that day, but didn't order her dress. After that day, I didn't hear from her for almost a month. Which @ that time, she told me - "We have 4 and a half months, I'll order it, don't worry". Didn't hear from her. For anything, at all, for another month after that. I ended up confronting her, in a polite manner, and finding out she's super busy, 2 little kids, working part time, etc. <strong>I asked her if she felt she had the time that was needed to plan the Bridal Shower & Bachelorette parties</strong> & she was really not sure.
<font color="#003366">MOH and BMs are not require to throw any parties for you.</font>

Right then and there, I straight up asked her "Would it be easier if you were not the MOH?" And she admitted to me that she appreciated that I understood she is a busy person, and we live about an hour away from eachother. She also noted that the other BM totally deserves the title, and that it would not at all hurt her feelings. DONE! EVERYONE IS HAPPY! Until NOW. I found another dress that I think would be totally cute on her, and I have been trying to get together with her to try it on (all 3 have different style dresses), but to no avail. So almost 4 weeks ago, after asking her about it, she told me, FINALLY, that she ordered both her dress & her daughters flower girl dress! YAY! I had a fitting last week, and while I was there, I was checking on the order statuses of all the dresses. Her name was nowhere to be found. I contacted her & come to find out......................SHE LIED. SHE LIED TO ME.
<font color="#003366">If she doesn't get the dress then she's not in the wedding..</font>

She never ordered the dresses, and went OFF on me because she's been sick a few days, and busy. I am at a loss. I have better friends than her, and I am really feeling as if I should not have asked her in the first place. <strong>Would I be better off having her as a GUEST @ my wedding? Would she even show up?</strong>
<font color="#003366">I wouldn't...</font>

I'll listen to whatever you have to say!!!! Lay it on me!
Posted by tamraj09[/QUOTE]

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-made-wrong-choice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:646513cc-4b5b-453b-bfd2-ff9706320fb5Post:e1a1bca3-3722-45c1-adb2-2d09651ee501">Re: Need advice. Made a wrong choice.</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I still don't think you have the right or anyone has the right to say what's right or wrong when it comes to peoples weddings.
Posted by Jartiaga07[/QUOTE]

Etiquette determines what is objectively right and wrong in social settings, including something like a wedding. You can, of course choose to ignore etiquette, but that doesn't make what you're doing objectively right, even if you don't upset or offend anyone with that choice. I don't think many people, myself included, follow etiquette 100% of the time, and that can work just fine, but it is not technically correct.

Regardless, I still don't see how it's ok to say "I'm going to plan my own party where the ENTIRE POINT is for people to bring me gifts." Showers do involve more than that, and I'm sure many brides focus on the people rather than the gifts, but their original purpose is to "shower" the bride with gifts.

Jartiaga07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-made-wrong-choice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:646513cc-4b5b-453b-bfd2-ff9706320fb5Post:f25bea9d-5860-4b8e-9525-19a9e078ce93">Re: Need advice. Made a wrong choice.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice. Made a wrong choice. : Etiquette determines what is objectively right and wrong in social settings, including something like a wedding. You can, of course choose to ignore etiquette, but that doesn't make what you're doing objectively right, even if you don't upset or offend anyone with that choice. I don't think many people, myself included, follow etiquette 100% of the time, and that can work just fine, but it is not technically correct. Regardless, I still don't see how it's ok to say "I'm going to plan my own party where the ENTIRE POINT is for people to bring me gifts." Showers do involve more than that, and I'm sure many brides focus on the people rather than the gifts, but their original purpose is to "shower" the bride with gifts.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

The bride here was not saying she wanted to plan her own shower, neither was I saying I am going to plan my own shower. She simply asked if it would be planned or thrown, which I feel there is nothing wrong with asking that.

CA2MT4EveR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-made-wrong-choice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:646513cc-4b5b-453b-bfd2-ff9706320fb5Post:c310419b-2bc2-4044-9cef-cb1d7e494ddd">Re: Need advice. Made a wrong choice.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice. Made a wrong choice. : Well everyone has a different opinion on that. Just because it's wrong to you dosn't mean it's wrong to everyone else, or to me and my family and friends. Remember there are NO rules that you have to follow when it comes to a wedding or wedding parties. People do things differently. I know my family and friends involoved with my wedding and I know they would not be offended if I offered to help them and her asking her MOH or BM is not rude. Like I said I was a MOH and the bride asked me if I was going to throw her those parties and I was not offended or upset at all neither were her family or other BMs. <strong>Different people and different cultures. </strong>Neither of us are wrong, we just have different views of things.
Posted by Jartiaga07[/QUOTE]

These excuses are used time and time again when someone breaches etiquette.  I come from your basic geographic area and know that it is wrong to a) host my own, and b) expect someone to host one for me.  I understand when you ask about helping, there is never anything wrong when offering help when something is for you, but you cannot ask or expect someone to host a shower for you.