help!

sweetpea0302

So, i chose a family member that i was always close with growing up, as my matron of honor. I was maid of honor in her wedding a year or so ago. Unfortunately, when it came time to chose my wedding party, i was torn between her and my best friend since pre-school. I chose my family member for the main reason that i was her maid of honor and i was afraid of what my family would think. Now we hardly ever talk, she never makes the first effort to talk to me or anything, and basically is so wrapped up in herself that i'm afraid my special time won't be about me like it should be. My best friend cares so much more about me and would be a great maid of honor. i'm wondering if it is wrong to politely as my cousin if she would just be a bridesmaid and let me friend be MOH. or if there was some way i could have two MOHs (like can you have co-MOHs in a wedding? or is this unheard of?). any advice would be great!

SarahPLiz

Just have 2 MOHS and go on with your life. Its not something to stress about

MyNameIsNot

There's no way to "politely" kick someone out of a role.

You can have 2 MOHs, but only if you are very careful not to give off the impression that the friend is who you really wanted and you didn't want the cousin.

Friendship works both ways.  If you were previously close, pick up the phone and call her and figure out what's up.

sweetpea0302

thanks!! the only problem is we were close when we were young, but even still she always acted like and treated me like she was too good for me. i've been living in her shadow my whole life and have recently really come to resent her and not care for her. she makes everything about her, and this is MY special time, she had hers when she got married a year or so ago. i'm not trying to sound like a bridzilla, but you know what i mean? i'm just not sure what to do so as to not upset her and cause a whole big thing (cause believe me, it would) but to also be happy myself....

bablingbrooke

Have 2 MOHs.  Yes, it was a mistake to ask your MOH just because you were in her wedding and not because you actually like her.  But since you're family, best to just let these things roll off your back.  Any drama related to the wedding will last long after it is over.

bablingbrooke

To add: There is no "polite" way to demote someone.  

emilyinchile

Ditto everyone else on 2 MOHs.

If this is how she's always been, remind yourself that your wedding isn't going to change that. You asked her for poor reasons, but that's the choice you made, and that's fine - don't change it now.

In terms of managing your expectations to avoid disappointment, your wedding day is your special time. Any time leading up to the wedding itself is a time when some people will be excited for you - but not everyone. I have semi-good friends who're really into hearing details and best friends who don't care about much beyond where they're supposed to be on March 6. Accepting this and enjoying the people who ARE excited rather than focusing on those who aren't will make this whole time period a lot more enjoyable for you.

sweetpea0302

thanks. i think you're right. i can't demote her, but it kills me every day that the girl who cares so much about me and wants to do so much to help with the wedding and planning of everything isn't really in the position she should be. i guess at this point after roles have been assigned, is it still ok to make them both MOHs and just have 2? it seems like the general thought is there can be 2. i wasn't sure if that was unorthodox or what.

bablingbrooke

I promise you the marriage is still valid whether you have 2 MOH, 1 MOH, or 0 MOH.  And Grandma won't faint at the sight

SarahPLiz

I have 2, because I couldnt coose between my sisters. Its all good,

sweetpea0302

great! thanks everyone!! i guess you're right, i'll just have to enjoy the people who are excited and not worry about those who aren't. cause even when they act like they are, it's fake most of the time anyway. and i'll still be marrying a great guy, and it's my wedding, so i guess it is what you make. i have to live with my decision (it was so tough cause there were pros and cons to both choices) and move forward and be happy. 

my next question... how do i go about asking the friend to be a MOH as well (i know she will jump at the chance, but will still feel like they both have the title, but only one will actually be standing right next to me in the "MOH Spot") and how do i tell the original MOH?

gottahavashorti

Have the one who is not standing next to you sign the marriage license.  The marriage licenes is a pretty important part of the day!

sweetpea0302

good point. and i think my friend just cares so much more about me and even with the title she knows she has to share it with someone else. but i also know she loves me like family (as i do her) and that she would do it for me. i feel bad cause the original MOH isn't really including her (or any of the other girls) in anything yet, and she has been kinda secretive about shower ideas and stuff and has made it known that she doesn't really want help, and my friend really wants to help and be involved in that stuff, and i want her to be as well. the MOH hasn't even asked me for the contact info of all the girls or anything

MyNameIsNot

Well, since the cousin is married, she'd be a matron of honor.  Assuming the friend isn't married, she'd be maid.  Tell your friend that you thought about it, and decided you really wanted to ask them to both in the beginning and couldn't come up with a reason why not, and say you'd really like her to be a co-MOH.

sweetpea0302

well, my friend is married as well. and she pretty much knows how i feel. we're really close and we talk about pretty much everything, so she knows how i feel about the MOH and that i lover her like family and wish she could be more than just a bridesmaid. so should i just tell her i've been thinking about it, and while i know it's not the same as her being the only MOH, it's better than nothing. and what about telling the original MOH?

baystateapple

You don't have to make a big production out of it.  Tell them that you are honored to have them as friends, you can't choose between them and they're going to be co-matrons of honor.  That really doesn't leave any room for them to bicker, really.  It's not like you're choosing one over the other, or demoting anyone.  You made a decision to have two, equally-special MOHs.  That's the whole story.

banana468

Ditto that you can have both.  Just tell the other friend, "I really want you as MOH too so I've decided I'd like co-MsOH."