Wedding Party

non-responsive bridesmaids

Hi there!

I am the matron of honor in my sister in law's wedding. She selected a set of bridesmaids, 2 of which will not respond to any of my emails regarding the bridal events/bach party/shower. I am not sure what to do and have thought about calling them but also don't want to seem too intrusive. I also do not know them that well. I figure I'll give them another week to respond to my emails (they are the correct ones) and then tell the bride that I'm having trouble connecting with them and how should I proceed?

Thoughts!? Many thanks!

Re: non-responsive bridesmaids

  • What do you say in these e-mails? It's possible that if they have no interest/can't afford to host showers or a b-party with you, they don't want to respond. Or it's possibe they don't check their email often or check it and forget to respond later, etc.

    I might just mention something to the bride along the lines of, "Do you know how your BMs prefer to be contacted?" If she says by text/phone, then maybe try calling once. If you still don't get a response, I would drop it and assume they do not want to help in planning.


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  • Great advise, thank you! The emails were very general about planning, timeline, ideas.....just more of a brainstorming session. I am getting the sense that they just don't want to be involved. My SIL used the same emails to contact them regarding an engagement party and details there so I know they are the correct ones. I have been fortunate that all the bridal parties I have been in including my bridal party when I got married were very enthusiastic. Our ideas are pretty low key and inexpensive as well. Thank you for the input!
  • Maybe they went to their junk mail if you've never emailed them before? I'd pick up the phone and just nicely ask if they're interested in getting involved.

  • Honestly, some people are just not into weddings.  Brainstorming may seem fun to you, but to them it could be like nails on a chalkboard (being female doesn't automatically grant love of weddings).

    I agree with the others, but also wanted to add that you should stop doing vague brainstorming, and ask them very direct questions.  It could be that they don't really see anything they feel the need to respond to.  There's a difference between "I was thinking of going to Vegas for the Bachelorette Party.  Or you guys could throw some ideas around?"  And "Vegas would cost X Y Z, would that be within your budget?"

    One is very vague, and leaves room for shrugging it off and relying on others to answer.  The other requires personal attention, and is very clear about what you are after.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • My MOH just told me something similar was happening to her.  I know her, and she would never be pushy or demanding, but she was trying to email the others regarding choosing a date for a shower and bachelorette so that those of them that wanted to come would be able to (sort of a "checking with the VIPs" thing).  The two she said were not responding are both just very busy right now, so I told her not to worry about it.  I would just wait another week and then move forward with planning with others who are interested (assuming you're already following PPs' advice about letting them have input, checking about how they prefer to be contacted, etc.)  They may just not be willing or able to help plan prewedding parties right now, and that's okay.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_non-responsive-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:688a18cf-a3c6-4b03-b7e6-90f71f79ffd2Post:f26e9d30-6cc1-4b94-9ff5-0d229b5a2ae3">Re:nonresponsive bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]When is the wedding? ETA: you also say "our ideas". Who is "us"? If I am a BM contributing to a shower, b party, etc, then I want input on the planning. Nothing will make me lose interest faster than when I start getting emails or phone calls to help out with parties I have no say in. Not saying you're DOING that, but it may be coming across that way.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    What does ETA stand for on here? I know it doesn't mean what it normally means lol
  • Thank you all for your comments. The first email sent threw out some ideas (essentially others and myself offering their apartments in a few nearby city's and one offering to actually pay the hotel room fee) as well as asking directly what would be the best timeline for everyone and also in terms of getting on the same page about budget.

    To me it is confusing because I thought part of being in a wedding were these events and being in the bridal party noted participation in some way or fashion. Our ideas are very inexpensive and down to earth...no trip to Vegas.....no spa day....we're talking like shower at one of our homes. I know these events get very expensive and for my wedding, I paid for all of the bridesmaid's dresses, hair, nails, shoes, etc. I just think not responding to emails though when asking direct questions is tough. I am going to reach out to the bride at the end of the week and see if I should call them directly. THank you for the advice!
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    When is the wedding?



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_non-responsive-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:688a18cf-a3c6-4b03-b7e6-90f71f79ffd2Post:896a8c71-1966-4f9d-9e51-e43d309fcf40">non-responsive bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi there! I am the matron of honor in my sister in law's wedding. She selected a set of bridesmaids, 2 of which will not respond to any of my emails regarding the bridal events/bach party/shower. I am not sure what to do and have thought about calling them but also don't want to seem too intrusive. I also do not know them that well. I figure I'll give them another week to respond to my emails (they are the correct ones) and then tell the bride that I'm having trouble connecting with them and how should I proceed? Thoughts!? Many thanks!
    Posted by bumblebee1234[/QUOTE]

    <p class="MsoNormal">This lack of responsiveness trend drives me nuts. I see it happen for like, everything. I don’t get it, where it’s acceptable to just not respond to people when they reach out to you, just because it’s wedding related. I don’t care if it’s wedding related and you’re not into weddings, baby related and you’re not into babies, Thanksgiving related but you're just not into Thanksgiving. If someone’s trying to plan a thing, ANY thing, and it’s reasonably expected that you’d be included (and it's not as if everyone and their brother would be), one has to figure on some communiques they might have to respond to. The courteous thing for the recipient to do is respond to the planner, even if briefly.</p>
    If one isn’t interested in the event, one could respond “I’m not interested in taking part”, or “this is not my thing” and the planner can cross you off their mental list, no big. If it’s not a good time and this stuff is a ways off anyway, how about a response like “Can I get back to you around x?” Takes two seconds to write that. Unless you’re on the older side, c’mon, it’s 2013- we can check our emails regularly and respond to them. It’s actually quicker than a phone call. I just can’t bring myself to make excuses for these ladies- it’s ok to not be into it, it’s ok to feel like it’s something to be addressed at a later date, not ok to leave someone hanging on what the story is. <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">But yeah, don’t flip. And you’re within your rights to call.</p>
  • I personally agree that there should be etiquette in turn around time to respond to messages of any sort (whether it's a voicemail, text, email etc). What that turn around time should be, I do not know.

    I just think it is rude for a week or so to go by without any response whatsoever. Even if it is a response that notes, "received your email, very busy, will get back to you." I really think the email I sent was non-presumptuous and I also offered to pick up the costs of lodging if we did a bach party in another state so the cost would be very minimal. The email was a conversation starter about people's ideas and thoughts asking direct questions about timeframe. Whether or not I'm out of line or whatnot (which I don't feel I was) So I don't see any reason why people would just not respond.

  • Also, the wedding is in mid August.
  • positivekpositivek member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_non-responsive-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:688a18cf-a3c6-4b03-b7e6-90f71f79ffd2Post:68ac3e5c-a12c-4653-8551-5d8691d5dd22">Re: non-responsive bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]PositiveK, if I get an email from someone I don't know, I delete it and don't even bother to open it.  They probably do the same. "I sent you a message and you better respond," as if you are owed someone else's time? How entitlement-minded is that? How was the message worded, as well? That could have lot to do with it.  See below, for example.  (NOTE:  I AM IN **NO WAY** SUGGESTING THAT THE ORIGINAL POSTER DID THIS) Hello, I'm Jill, Susie's Maid of Honor.  I've planned her bridal shower.  It's on Saturday, May 12, at 2 pm.  Your share of the shower is $200 for the group gift, which is luggage. I've already picked it out. Send your check to me at 123 Easy Street by next Friday.  Make six dozen chicken salad sandwiches on white bread.  Use white-meat chicken only, using the attached recipe only.  Cut them in half.  Make five dozen chocolate chip cookies.  Ellen has been assigned to bring the drinks, and I will bring the paper products. You will serve at the refreshment table, Elllen, the other bridesmaid, will clean up afterwards, and I will set up. Reply to my email immediately. Would you reply to that?  Or say "Hey, eff off, you witch!" and delete it without a response? You bet I would!
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    If the subject line says something to the effect of wedding pre-parties, you're saying you wouldn't put two and two together? And yeah, I do think you owe someone to respond to an email if you are one of a select few chosen to participate in a shower, party, ceremony- wedding related or not. If a person doesn't like responding....the way around that is to eliminate (or seriously cut down on) social contacts; that gets you off the hook from getting invited to things that require communication of some kind. But if you want to still be considered for participation in social gatherings, to me that's a two way street- communicating with the host- to RSVP, whatever. So they know how many seats to reserve. Or how much turkey to make. So they know for sure the wires aren't crossed and someone does not in fact wish to be included. I don't find that to be entitlement at all. I do find it entitled to expect to be chased down for an answer.

    If the email was that crappy...I mean, yikes (who knows, but OP really doesn't give me that vibe). But yes, I'd still say that's not my bag, figure out a more reasonable plan, please. This actually just happened to me. Nothing as extreme as you put forth, but still, I put it out there that I wasn't flaking by bailing, rather that the event requirements prohibited my attendance (to give the host a chance to make a modification if not a big deal, or at least, if not possible, to keep it in mind for the future that the specs can rule out some guests). If we're vocal here when something looks out of line, why not IRL?
  • PositiveK

    Thank you and I couldn't agree more. I was in college and in a wedding and in grad school and in a wedding. I am all about keeping it as simple and inexpensive as possible in every way. I guess it's just asking people to be honest which I know can be hard but I think these are things people should think about when accepting an invitation to be in the bridal party. I had a situation where one of my girlfriend's bach parties was on the jersey shore for a week (I was in the bridal party) and I couldn't swing it time wise and financially. I emailed both the MOH and the bride seperately and explained and offer to pick up some duties for the shower. They both understood. I just think the more open and communicative people are, the better.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're jumping the gun, bumblebee.  It's too early to be worrying about showers and bachelorette parties for an August wedding. 



  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_non-responsive-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:688a18cf-a3c6-4b03-b7e6-90f71f79ffd2Post:b99a7bff-56c5-48de-a4bc-1858c1a80518">Re: non-responsive bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]PositiveK Thank you and I couldn't agree more. I was in college and in a wedding and in grad school and in a wedding. I am all about keeping it as simple and inexpensive as possible in every way. I guess it's just asking people to be honest which I know can be hard <strong>but I think these are things people should think about when accepting an invitation to be in the bridal party.</strong> I had a situation where one of my girlfriend's bach parties was on the jersey shore for a week (I was in the bridal party) and I couldn't swing it time wise and financially. I emailed both the MOH and the bride seperately and explained and offer to pick up some duties for the shower. They both understood. I just think the more open and communicative people are, the better.
    Posted by bumblebee1234[/QUOTE]
    The only thing people are agreeing to when agreeing to be in a bridal party is to be honored at the wedding itself by standing next to the bride.  That's it.  They're not agreeing to be involved in planning pre-wedding events, or even attend pre-wedding events, nor are they agreeing to communicate with other bridal party attendants.



  •  would never contact the bride and say that. I would ask her if there is a better way to get in communication with them. TXKristen, did your bride's do a bach for you? My bridemaids did a bach party and no shower. I didn't want anything actually.
  • Personally I think that 5 days is plenty of time to respond. When I send an email about anything to anyone who doesn't know me I always post the subject in the subject line. Personally I treat people the way I want to be treated, I believe in traditions, following the traditions, BM throw BS and BP. I would do it and have done it! Good Luck!

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