Need advice for dealing with your bridesmaid.

Knot Annie

This is for the Fall2010 magazine, so I’ll use your Knot name.
I’d like your expert advice on dealing with picky bridesmaids when it comes to shopping for the dress. (It’s not fair that the bride always gets the bad rep, right?) The more specific, the better. I can always edit.
Thanks in advance!
KA

banana468

It can really depend on how picky the BM can be. 

I remember a bride a while ago who had a BM who thought that a BM dress was something that should be almost for club wear but the bride had an elegant wedding in mind.  If that's the case, you can say, "I understand if you don't like the length, but ultimately anything shorter than X  that doesn't match the formality of the wedding.  I apologize that this isn't what you had in mind, but that part can't change"

When in doubt, picking a designer and dress length can be great.  Then the BM has a lot of wiggle room as long as the designer is within the agreed-upon price point.

CA2MT4EveR

When dealing with picky bridesmaids, I think it is best to remember it is YOUR wedding.  It's polite to choose your colors and possibly a style for the dress, and to keep it within the previously discussed budget for all BM's.  If you have someone who is being picky, I feel it is their choice to deal with it and be part of the party, or to decide not to take part in it. 

Some girls take all of their BM's shopping for dresses, and of course there will be differences in opinions.  IMO, it is best to choose these things yourself, then possibly take the opinion of the BM's later- or tell them "I want David's Apple Red, floor length, you choose what looks best on you"

Individuality can come out in jewelry and shoes.  Not everyone has to wear the same shoes, jewelry, and hair.  It's not a cheerleading competition where you are evaluated on how uniform you are. 

suz62984

I think the most important thing to do when dealing with potentially picky bridesmaids will be to know what you want before dress shopping. Do you want short or long dresses? Should all the dresses be the same or can they be different styles? What color would you like? Stress is caused by confusion. With these answers in hand you will have less confusion in dress shopping. Everyone will know what the big picture will be and choose accordingly. And always remember to discuss the budget with your bridesmaids individually before shopping!

banana468

The other thing is that being flexible is important.

It's one thing if a BM's desire goes against formality.

However remember that some things can go against a comfort level too.  Some people just don't love strapless dresses so be flexible if someone may want to add sleeves or straps, etc.

emilyinchile

Figure out what's important to you, and discuss those things with your BMs. For example, if you really want a specific color and neckline, make those the priority and be flexible on the things you don't care about as much (like fabric type or length). Even if you want everyone matching, you can let the BMs decide certain things amonst themselves rather than dictating it - a little flexibility can go a long way to changing someone's attitude and making her feel like you care about her opinion.

Be clear from the start about what your idea is. I think some problems come from brides trying to be too relaxed about things initially and then later making it clearer that they want X, at which point the BMs are annoyed by what they see as a change even if it was in the bride's mind all along.

ETA: I had matching BM dresses that I had the final say on. I don't think the answer for everyone is "let them choose a style" - that's just not what I personally wanted. But things go better when you're realistic about your expectations and don't try to cram your friends into something they hate because it's too expensive or too revealing or whatever other legitimate concern.

nhelene

One thing that has helped me, especially with an out of state BM, was talking to each girl individually and finding out their problem areas, likes, dislikes, hated colors, etc.   It turned out that none of my 3 busty bridesmaids were comfortable with strapless dresses or spaghetti straps, so that helped me start making decisions right off the bat.

jagore08

I've been a BM before and hated having something picked out for me.  It was always drama trying to please all of the girls.  All of my BM were different shapes and sizes (like most wedding parties out there) so I didn't want to deal with having to find a dress that would make all the the girls happy.  I found a designer that was nationwide and told them the color, fabric, and length.  I asked them to pick whatever they felt comfortable in.  

I honestly think this is the best way to go.  They all felt comfortable in their dresses and it showed in the pictures.  No drama.  No hurt feelings.

stina93446

Talking about "the dress" as in your dress or the bm dresses?

If we're talking about the brides' dress, I would just not take bms. 

If we're talking about bm dresses which I think you are, then my advice is to have a listening ear. What is it that she is complaining about? Is she complaining just for the hell of it? A bm may be picky because she really feels uncomfortable with what you've chosen. Asking her what specifically she doesn't like about the particular dress may open your eyes to what dresses she MAY like instead. 

saisongbird

The only point I would add to everyone is that if you, as the bride, are choosing a dress because you want someone to look good in it, then to listen when they voice a concern.  I was just in a friends' wedding where I hated the dress and she had told me, when we were dress shopping, that she only cared that the dress looked good on me (I was the biggest girl in the party and the other three girls had the type of body where they could wear anything and look good).  I came out in the dress when we were shopping, she liked it, but I hated it and knew it would look bad - I tried to say something politely because I didn't want to be THAT girl, but she blew it off.  At the end of the day, it was just a dress that didn't look great on any of us.

lisarose7

As soon as my BMs were chosen, I sent them an e-mail asking for their opinions on necklines, shapes, colors, fabrics, etc.  I had 3 girls with 3 very different builds and style preferences.  I pooled the information they gave me, went online, and found a dress that I liked that fit their specifications as closely as possible.  I sent them all a link to the dress, and it was a hit.  The only issue we had was that 1 BM is self-conscious about her arms and wanted sleeves while the other two preferred sleeveless.  We compromised by choosing a wrap for them to wear during the ceremony.  I found that the key was encouraging open communication between myself and the 3 BMs.  That way, no one was afraid of expressing her opinion and everyone was willing to compromise.

banana468

Absolutely never lose sight of your friendship!  Your wedding day feels huge when you're planning it, but when it's a distant memory, you'll feel silly freaking out over some of the little detailis.

Simply Fated

I've heard so many brides pull out dresses for the bridesmaids to look at and say, "You can wear this again!" This is the bride's way of trying to get you to agree to pay more for your dress. They are rationalizing that you are paying a lot for a dress, but you'll get a lot of wears out of it.
Same with the bridesmaids... they are hoping, no matter the cost, that they will be able to wear the dress again.

The odds of wearing it again are very slim. Not many people randomly need a gown that frequently.
This is why a lot of bridesmaids push for the little black dress. But this is not always what the bride wants.

You need to decide on a budget early on and stick with it.
Both the bride and the bridesmaids need to be flexible with the color and style. When the bridesmaids agree to be in the bridal party and agreed to a budget, they now need to do some serious compromising. These bridemaids need to understand that they might not get to choose the color that looks best on them. There are other girls to take into account and the bride can only try to make every one happy. If she manages to succeed in pleasing every one... she should receive an award and go into the Bride Hall of Fame.

spaje

The other piece of advice, keep in mind how much your asking of each bridesmaid.  For me, I have 3 MOH's doing double duty as BM's. (I have two Junior BM's).  The reason for 3 MOH's is that I couldn't put one "above" the other.  They're special to me for different reasons.  What I'm saying is best described by example...  My sister is doing the wedding cake.  She and her daughter are in my wedding party.  That cake is gonna cost her about $200 + labor (jokingly literally as she's pregnant now..lol!)  The dresses, are about $150 each!  So I may have to help her financially in some way.  My other MOH is the other sister.  Two of her children are also part of the WP.  So, I may have to help her too.  I say 'MAY" because they might just be okay with it, but I need to be prepared to help out - after all, everything they're doing (that I've asked for) is for MY and FI's wedding, and not their own.  I guess what I''m trying to say, It's not just about the BM dresses- It could involve the other duties/tasks and we as brides need to be willing to help them acheive what we have in mind if the're struggling, but willing to do it.

happilyhisbeloved

I had two BM. One was local and one was not. I told them the color, material that would match my dress best, and the company that could get the dresses in fast enough. (3 months from engagement to wedding). Then I gave them the link to the website and asked them to pick 20 dresses they liked. I then checked for commonalities in the lists. Found they had 3. And then I made the final decision. Worked really well. I was able to make sure it was a style they both liked and had the essentials I wanted.

kee80

I am very conscientous of my BM's budgets & body types, so that they would feel comfortable, and pretty!  My theory on dresses is, 'Nobody thinks for one second that a bridesmaid picks her own outfit.  It's the bride who looks crazy, not you'. 

[Deleted User]

I know from experience that bridesmaids can be extremely picky. My two sisters are my bridesmaids, and I've been searching for four months trying to find a dress that they both like for them to wear at the wedding. I had my mind set on a certain dress for them, they each hated it. So after weeks of just arguing, I gave them (almost) full reign over the decision. As long as they kept with the color and the simpleness of the wedding, they could decide. Since that, they've both been looking for dresses, and are listening more to what I have to say. The easiest way to deal with picky bridesmaids is to talk things out, let them know that its your wedding, not theirs, but you want them to be comfortable. That opens the door to them willing to talk through things, which will deal with being so picky.

SusieQ1981

I actually had the opposite problem - I specified length & color, told them about the type of event we're going for and gave them free reign - and was told that it was overwhelming to have so many options.  After a month of bickering, I finally had to make a decision and just hope they can live with it.

kikicurlytop

A lot of times picky bridesmaids are only being picky because of a price issue. Even if you talk about it with them, they may not always state what they are really feeling. When I talked to my girls about price, a lot of them gave a bigger number like $200. I had to ask them if they said that because they thought it was fair for a bridesmaids dress, or what they really could afford. In the end, most decided $100 was much more reasonable for their budget.

Another reason they can be picky is basically because they want to pick for themselves. To solve this problem it's best to stop it before it starts. Set guidelines before the shopping even starts. Decide if you want them all to wear the same thing, or if you wouldn't mind different dresses. All the same color, or different? All the same length, or different? Make these decisions yourself, and let your bridesmaids know the deal ahead of time. 

CabbageCabbage

I know that I got lucky in the bridesmaid department and even my little group of three had a dissenter.  As brides, we often take our friend's opinions as judgments of our taste or our whole party or 'vision' when it's usually just the girl wanting to look her best.  My little sister, the model thin young one was dissapointed when I chose little black dresses with (horror) sleeves for my wedding. I know she wanted something with more flash.   The other two were thrilled.  My sister and I can be frosty toward one another, so I sent my mother to talk to her.  She was able to tell sis that I wanted everyone to feel comfortable and confident.  I know that if I said the same things, it would have started an argument.  Sometimes, you need to delegate and send in a messenger!

cellarius

well i have 2 younger sisters & the oldest just got married. the youngest & i like fashion & have similar tastes while the one who was getting married has.. in both of our humble opinions.. kind of awful taste lol it was a more casual sept wedding & basically we decided what we two would wear since we knew she'd rather have us in it than try to argue about clothes with us which proved right lol so i'd say we were the pickier maids lol 

& i'll probably be a pickier bride! i'm definitely not someone who could say oh pick your own elements. but they're our sisters so i would just say if they don't like it they don't have to be in it lol whatever i end up doing [it's still a yr away] i know i have whole looks in mind [hard to explain.. sort of a boho asian version of the chanel spring '10 couture show] so it's not just the outfit that matters to me. i mean if someone was uncomfortable because of modesty or they felt fat i would definitely do my best to help them [i want my maids to look good! everyone knows the bride makes them look like they do] but i am glad i don't have to worry since all my maids are skinny & have similar body types. 

AlmostMrs.Munoz

My advice is to allow them to be a little picky, but set some guidelines from the beginning. I told my BMs that I wanted their dresses to be a the same color, length and fabric but they could choose any style. This gave them the freedom to be a little picky with their own dress and still gave them the flexibility to find a dress that suits their style, is figure-flattering and fit their budget. By setting small requirements (like length, color and fabric) you give them freedom, but help to narrow it down to a few choices. My girls all chose dresses that are perfect for them, and even though they are different styles, they look GREAT together!