Wedding Party

Maid of Honor problems PLEASE HELP

I have two maids of honor in my wedding. One is very sweet and helpful and really is my best friend. The other (Who I told would stand next to me) was my best friend growing up but we have grown apart. I have known that she hasn't been supportive of me getting married and won't really talk about it. She doesn't even ask me about how the planning is going and I don't think she's ever even breathed my fiance's name. It's like she's digging her head in the sand. The is also a very hard-headed, self-centered person. Whenever things don't go her way, she throws a fit. 

Anyways, my bachelorette party has been planned since October to be memorial day weekend. She is even the one who came up with the date. Everything is supposed to be a surprise so I don't know what we are doing but her and my other maid of honor and my bridesmaids have planned a fun weekend. All of my girls have been planning their life around it and I have too because I have showers and meetings and stuff every already filling the rest of my time. Well, the maid of honor who has been difficult contacted me yesterday and said that she "totally forgot" that she had planned a camping trip with friends that weekend and had put money down on it. She said that if she didn't go, her friends would be "pissed off" and she would be out money. So, she wanted to change the weekend of the bachelorette party pretty much so she could go drink with her friends that weekend. I was very hurt by it because you would think that she would not schedule something like that the week before her "best friend" gets married and she is the MAID OF HONOR. That means she is there for me and helps me. Well, all of my bridesmaids and other maid of honor said no they absolutely won't reschedule the weekend because they had been planning that weekend and I couldn't any other weekend, so she took me on a guilt trip about how she will be out money now and she CUSSED OUT ALL OF MY BRIDESMAIDS because she was mad that they wouldn't reschedule. She wanted to reschedule my bachelorette party for a month and a half before my wedding before I was even home from school yet just so she could go camping. 

I am absolutely shocked. All of my bridesmaids hate her because this is like the 3rd time she's picked fights with them and the fact that I asked her to be my maid of honor OVER A YEAR AGO and now she says she forgot about a camping trip so she wants to reschedule my bachelorette party that is the weekend before my wedding and has been planned for 6 months. I can't believe she had the audacity to even propose that idea. And I know that she is lying by saying that she just remembered about this trip. Those dates were her idea in the first place as well as the weekend before my wedding. She obviously just chose her friends over me GETTING MARRIED. I am very hurt... my friends hate her (rightfully so because she cussed them all out- even thought they didn't do anything)... and I can tell that she has NEVER been behind my marriage. She won't even talk about it. I already told her that she could just go on her camping trip and there won't be hurt feelings but she just said "No it's okay... I'll just lose the 200 dollars I put down on the camping trip. No big deal. I'll just be out money." Biggest guilt trip ever. I am fuming, upset, embarrassed that she cussed out my friends... ect. 

I don't even really want her anymore- at least not as a maid of honor. I want my other friend who is REALLY my best friend right now to hold that place because through all of this she has been my maid of honor. The trouble is that the maid of honor who is hard to deal with is also my cousin and it would cause a lot of family drama depending on what I decide. 

Now that that's out of the way- can someone PLEASE help me? What is the etiquette on this? How do I deal with her? Should I ask her to step down? What should I do???

Re: Maid of Honor problems PLEASE HELP

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    I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

    The etiquette of it is, you can't ask her to step down, suggest that she step down or kick her out.  I'ts a friendship ending move and comes off poorly on you no matter what the circumstances may be.  If you want to end the friendship for entirely non-wedding related reasons, you can do that and it will follow that she is no longer in the wedding.

    However, I think the easiest solution would be to tell her that of course she's under no obligation to go to your bachelorette party, so she doesn't need to lose the money she put down on her camping trip.  Then if you want, you can let the friendship drift for now and stop keeping in touch after the weding.
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    You can't ask her to step down for a few reasons.

    BUT, you can say, "I do need to let you know that I'm really disappointed that you cussed out the BMs (if she swore directly to them).  I don't expect all of you to be best friends but when you insult the people I really care about, you're really hurting my feelings too.  I'd feel the same if they did this to you.  I also understand that you have these previous plans but as you know it wasn't fair to ask the group to change the date.  Please have a great time camping.  I do hope we can all get along on the wedding day."

    And move on.  You can do private BM gifts for the friends who aren't acting as giant PITAs. 
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    Everyone has really good advice (except for mvmurkowski who doesn't seem to understand the issues involved with demoting) and I think you should listen to them.  She's definitely being a PITA but ultimately demoting her is not worth the drama it will cause or all of the badmouthing of you that will occur.  Plus she's family so it's the kind of drama that could live forever.  It's not like she's going to be out of your life any time soon.

    Talk to her about how wrong it was of her to yell at your friends and don't let her guilt trip you. 

    One of the best ways to piss off a drama queen is to refuse to get bogged down in their issues.  If you just keep smiling and staying positive when she's getting into it, it will drive her nuts and you'll come off smelling like a rose.

    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
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    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
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    mvmurkowski, I have to say, your advice is also for how to end a friendship and mar her relationship with her family for a LONG time.  OP, please don't follow it.
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