What to do when you cant put a close friend in her wedding and she expects to be

Hez1993

So one of my really close friends that I have known since middle school expects to be in my wedding but my fiancé and I are still young we are both going to school full time and work part time and don’t have the money to have a huge wedding so i was just going to have my cousins and my 2 best friends in the wedding. How do I tell her that she can’t be in the wedding because we cannot afford it without her giving me a ultimatum. Because when I first told her I was engaged the first thing she said was "I better be in the wedding" and when I said I hadn’t thought about it yet she said if I didn't put her in mine I couldn't be in hers when she did get married. How can I avoid causing any more problems with her and let her down gently that’s she is not in the wedding because we can’t afford it without her hating me? HELP!

Soon2BeMrsTing

Well, that was forward of her, not to mention rude. Weddings are not tit for tat.

Don't initiate any discussion about the WP.  If she brings it up, just say "We haven't asked our WP yet.  What are your plans for Christmas/the holidays?"

Later, after you've asked the WP, if she brings it up then you can respond that it will be your two cousins and two other friends, but that you hope to see her there as a guest! (If that's true.)

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-put-close-friend-her-wedding-she-expects?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:69f8bf3d-c2f2-4229-bae9-ec71bcfc4b8bPost:bffc4530-b71e-4410-81b7-4b10abba2ed8">What to do when you cant put a close friend in her wedding and she expects to be</a>:
[QUOTE]So one of my really close friends that I have known since middle school expects to be in my wedding but <strong>my fiancé and I are still young we are both going to school full time and work part time</strong> and don’t have the money to have a huge wedding so i was just going to have my cousins and my 2 best friends in the wedding. How do I tell her that she can’t be in the wedding because we cannot afford it without her giving me a ultimatum. Because when I first told her I was engaged the first thing she said was "I better be in the wedding" and when I said I hadn’t thought about it yet she said if I didn't put her in mine I couldn't be in hers when she did get married. How can I avoid causing any more problems with her and let her down gently that’s she is not in the wedding because we can’t afford it without her hating me? HELP!
Posted by Hez1993[/QUOTE]

Are you waiting until you've finished school and found full-time jobs before you get married?

kaitlyn&henry

If you dont feel like shes that close to you to be a bm then dont ask her...and its extremely rude of anyone to expect, let alone voice they think, that they should be asked to be in the wedding party.

 If she is someone you consider to be close to you ask her...money shouldnt be an issue for her to be in your wedding party. She is the one that has to pay for her dress. I had a small wedding and had 7 BMs because i truely couldnt see not asking any of those 7 girls.

rebarobert2012

It was rude of her to say that she *better* be in your wedding.  I hate it when people say that.  It is so forward. 

It was also really petty of her to say that you would not be in her wedding if she wasn't in yours.  How ridiculous.  I was not in my MOH's wedding, and obviously I still asked her to be in mine because I wanted her to be.

I would try to avoid talking about anything wedding related with her, but if she keeps asking if she is going to be a bridesmaid, then you are going to need to be truthful with her.  Putting it off isn't going to help.

OliveOilsMom

I'm curious as to why you can't afford for her to be a BM in your wedding?  She will pay for her own dress.  And as long as you do not dictate specifically, she will also pay for her own shoes, hair, makeup, jewelry, etc.  The only thing you would need to pay for is a gift for her thanking her for standing up for you. 

In the grand scheme of things, you should pick your nearest and dearest.  If that is your 2 cousins and 2 best friends, then those are the people who should be standing up for you.  Do not let her bully you into being in your wedding. 

LoveMuffins

PPs have it right about money issues not being a big deal when it comes to the WP. If you're inviting her to the wedding then you're still paying for her plate. I'm guessing that you're thinking about the flowers, maybe? One bouquet really doesn't make a big difference. More than one, sure they add up, but one more won't break the bank (esp if you DIY and/or do something other than flowers). Other than her dinner (which she'll be getting anyway if she's a guest) and the bouquet, and MAYBE a BM gift if you can afford it (and those things do NOT need to be big or expensive) and that's it.

However, she sounds like a PITA and not a very good friend if she's trying to force her way into your WP and "blackmail" you in the process... so if you don't want her in that's totally understandable and just tell her politely that you're having a small wedding party and you'll be honored to have her as a guest. If she repeats the BS about her WP when she gets married, just tell her that it is her choice who she has in her WP and you will respect her choice, no hard feelings.

graysquirrel

It is beyond impertinent to pressure you like that. Your WP should be the people closest to you-- who you and your FI think are close, not who thinks they are close to you. You have every right to not ask her to be in your WP. I would stop all wedding talk with her. Change the subject, give vague answers, and deflect her questions. Once you are closer to your wedding and have your WP, if she asks again tell her that you wanted to keep your WP small.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cant-put-close-friend-her-wedding-she-expects?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:69f8bf3d-c2f2-4229-bae9-ec71bcfc4b8bPost:4b1f6e47-f0ad-47e7-a25e-7708ffe31ce6">Re: What to do when you cant put a close friend in her wedding and she expects to be</a>:
[QUOTE]If you dont feel like shes that close to you to be a bm then dont ask her...and its extremely rude of anyone to expect, let alone voice they think, that they should be asked to be in the wedding party.  If she is someone you consider to be close to you ask her... <strong>money shouldnt be an issue for her to be in your wedding party</strong>. She is the one that has to pay for her dress. I had a small wedding and had 7 BMs because i truely couldnt see not asking any of those 7 girls.
Posted by kaitlyn&henry[/QUOTE]
That is great that you were able to include everyone that you wanted as your BM. Money is actually something a lot of brides need to consider when picking bridesmaids and, often times, it is an issue. Brides need to pay for their flowers, gifts, ect. I'm sure most people would agree that more BM=more $.

thousandtrees

She sounds like a potential source of drama to me. I'm not sure I would want a person in my bridal party would would pressure me that way.

But if you want to include her, maybe she could do a reading or something?

And yes, bridesmaids are expensive, both to be one and to have one! As the previous poster said, it's flowers, gifts, meal at the rehearsal dinner, but I think it can also be psychologically expensive to have them, esepcially if they're prone to disagreements with one another. A friend of mine stood up in a wedding where one of the BMs was a constant source of strife, and I wouldn't want to be the bride that has to step in to that. The bigger the WP, the more potential for disagreement.

harpsdesire

Well if don't have her in your party, maybe she won't have you in hers.  Since there's no rule that if you include her she has to include you in her hypothetical future wedding anyhow, I see this as a zero risk situation.  Either she'll get over her tantrum and ask you anyhow, or she won't, which you obviously already know will not be the end of the world.

Just tell her she means a lot to you, and you're sorry she no longer wants you to be a BM, but you and your FI decided on a bridal party, and you're hoping to see her as a guest.

If you think it would make any differnce, you could ask her to do a reading or something... but I probably wouldn't, since it seems like that's unlikely to satisfy her, and might just give her an opening for starting drama with the actual WP.

73jewels

I, too, had a friend I have known since Middle School who expected to be in the wedding. Over the past few years, we have spent a lot less time together than we used to, and she does not know my fiance that well, mostly only interacting with him at parties and larger get togethers.  Shortly after I got engaged (and had just picked my small 3 person wedding party), she asked me flat out who was in the wedding party. Even if I had done more, I would not have wanted her as she brings a good amount of drama.  I explained to her that both my Fiance and I really wanted to keep it small and we had to cut it at 3.  I sort of implied that if I could have another it would be her, but I didn't actually say that.

To my surprise the conversation went better then expected. 

kmmssg

Having a BM means buying her a gift, a bouquet, and meals for her and her date at the RD.  I think there is substantial budgeting in choosing your wedding party.

AurorasEnvy

It was rude of her to assume that, she sounds a little immature.  Stick to your guns and keep your current WP.  You do not not need to tell people they AREN'T in the wedding party, only those who are.  She'll figure it out eventually.