A somewhat odd situation.

andyslady88

I am getting married in exactly one year from today (yay!!) and I have an unexpected issue. My fiance wanted one lady he worked with to be in the wedding. He asked her over 6 months ago and she said sure, but she didnt know if she would be able to afford it. We let it go at that, but since then, she has had numerous unexpected financial drains, medical bills and etc. I don't want to just ignore the fact that he already asked her, but I highly doubt she will be able to afford even the dress, let alone travel, accessories, and etc. How do I handle this? I dont want to insult her and just say "I know you can't afford it, so dont worry about it". Help!!

GoodLuckBear14

Is she on his side or yours?

If she is on his side, she could wear whatever dress she wants to wear.  Any accessories are up to you and your FI to purchase for anyone in your WP.

Is this a destination wedding that travel is required?

Peledreamsofrain

Definitely don't bring it up. The potential to embarrass her is monumental here. Also, you are making assumptions about her financial situation that may not be accurate. It could be that she's borrowed from a family member just to be in the wedding, and now has to awkwardly describe her finances to you. If she can't do it, she won't. Let her make the call.

mcda04

First of all, you should never ask your BP members to be in your wedding a year and a half before but since it's already said and done, you really can't tell her you don't want her in it without hurting her feelings.

Wait it out. If she hasn't bought her dress two months before the wedding, than maybe you can bring it up with her.

andyslady88

In Response to Re: A somewhat odd situation.:
She would be on my side, in which case I would want her to wear the dress that the other bridesmaids are wearing. It is not a destination wedding, but she lives the farthest away, about 45-50 minutes on a good day.

andyslady88

In Response to Re: A somewhat odd situation.:
Why is a year and a half too long? We knew we wanted her in the wedding, so we asked her soon after we got engaged. It isnt that I dont want her in the wedding, its that I do not want to embarrass her in any way, nor cause financial problems for her family.

bunni727

When it comes time to start ordering dresses in a few months, your FI should just talk to her. Be very careful not to make assumptions about her finances, just privately ask for her dress budget. If travel prevents her from attending, she will likely let you know. There is no reason she should have to pay for accessories. If you insist they match, you are responsible for paying for them.

Option 1: If she is standing on his side, you could ask her to wear a black (or grey, whatever the groomsmen are wearing) dress of her choosing. This could be something she already owns, so she wouldn't have to worry about spending any money on a dress.

Option 2: If she would rather match the bridesmaids, you should ask all of them for a budget and pick a dress under the lowest number given to you.

Option 3: Give all the ladies a color and legnth and turn them loose to find dresses in their own budgets and styles.

Personally, I prefer option 3. It lets her set her own budget, keep her finances private, but still allows her to be in the wedding if she'd like to.

joleri23

I don't know, I feel like you can have your FI talk to her about it because she's the one who said she didn't know if she could afford it in the first place. He doesn't have to ask about extremely personal financial information, but can't he frame it in a nice way and say, "I know your life has changed a lot recently. Are you comfortable being in the wedding party?" I don't think that's too rude.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-somewhat-odd-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6a1e191a-f17a-4995-a869-c840a77707d5Post:7c7ba251-61af-4f5f-b1c0-284a1794ba37">Re: A somewhat odd situation.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A somewhat odd situation. : Why is a year and a half too long? We knew we wanted her in the wedding, so we asked her soon after we got engaged. It isnt that I dont want her in the wedding, its that I do not want to embarrass her in any way, nor cause financial problems for her family.
Posted by andyslady88[/QUOTE]
You typically don't ask people so far in advance because things change. Financial situations, relationships, etc and then you're stuck making the decision of removing her. I know your heart is in the right place by not wanting to burden her with an additional expense but if you're as important to her, she'll make it happen or she'll come to you. If she's too embarassed to ever come to you with financial issues, wait till two to three months before to bring anything up.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-somewhat-odd-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6a1e191a-f17a-4995-a869-c840a77707d5Post:bd386284-3444-4404-aede-a79dd649fa87">Re: A somewhat odd situation.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A somewhat odd situation. : She would be on my side, in which case I would want her to wear the dress that the other bridesmaids are wearing. It is not a destination wedding, but she lives the farthest away, about 45-50 minutes on a good day.
Posted by andyslady88[/QUOTE]

That's my morning and evening commute.  I'd hardly consider it to be a "travel" distance.

As long as she has the dress ordered by the drop dead date, don't sweat it.  The dress is the only thing she is required to pay for and the wedding is the only thing she is required to attend.

MyNameIsNot

You need to ask her, and everyone, for a budget before you start looking at dresses.  If her response is that she can't afford anything, she's removed herself.  Otherwise, you choose a dress that fits her budget.

With required accessories, that's your responsibility, so it shouldn't cost her anything.  If you don't require anything specific, she can wear something she already owns or can borrow.  

Travel is something she's going to have to deal with, but with an hour travel, she's only looking at gas money.  If she can't make it work, again she'll drop out, but it's pretty hard to believe that she can't come up with a way to raise $30 in gas money between now and then.  

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-somewhat-odd-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6a1e191a-f17a-4995-a869-c840a77707d5Post:101ba9e7-7d5f-46ef-9f37-d57015b0fd2a">Re: A somewhat odd situation.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A somewhat odd situation. : Sorry, but no.  You don't make the decision to remove someone.  What right do you have as the bride to decide that someone else can't afford the wedding? OP, she's only required to get a dress.  Closer to the date to buy a dress, find out what her budget is and work within that.  If she truly can't do it, she'll likely speak up at that time.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

My original post is misleading. I type and work at the same time so didn't word this correctly. my first post notes you cannot remove a BP member or Should not.

I meant when relationships more than anything change, then you *contemplate* removing them but we all know this is a no-no.

Giaspo

You said a lot of time has passed since he asked her and neither has mentioned it since. As the time gets closer, he could ask her again if she'd still like to be in the WP. Hopefully she will graciously decline if she cant afford it (or any other reason). I had a BP opt out and it was the best thing. Had she stayed it would've caused a lot of expense-related stress amongst the BP.