Should I ask her to be MOH?

saxy414

I've known for years that I wanted to ask my best friend all through high school and college to be my maid (though, now matron) of honor.  I was MOH in her wedding two years ago, we've been on vacations together, been through all kinds of stuff together.  I have always considered her my best friend...though, here's my problem.  She's flaky like none other.  Just this last week, she's cancelled on me twice for dinner--when I told her I was bummed (the second time she cancelled was through text message, because she didn't pick up her phone) I didn't get a response.  I highly doubt my wedding would be something she'd flake out on, but I know that dress shopping, bridal shows, and even showers and parties are things she might not "be able" to make it to, even though she only lives ten minutes away from me.  I completely understand work conflicts, but that hasn't been the case this week. 
There's no easy way to get a hold of her, so what do you all think I should do, or what should I say if I actually get a hold of her?  I'm in no rush to ask her, we're still a little over a year out from the wedding, but I want to get a handle on the situation so I can start figuring out the WP.  Please keep in mind that this girl is my best friend, I just need some unbiased advice on what to say to her.  Thanks!!

bablingbrooke

Let me get this straight: She's cancelled on you twice in one week and you think this is grounds for not asking her to be MOH?  Ask her what's up.  
"I highly doubt my wedding would be something she'd flake out on, but I know that dress shopping, bridal shows, and even showers and parties are things she might not "be able" to make it to, even though she only lives ten minutes away from me."

Thank God she's not required to go to any of those things (especially bridal shows--ick).  

SarahPLiz

If she is your best and closest friend, then you should make her MOH. Just manage your expectations of what she would be doing. Weddings don't make people less flaky, as its usually quite the opposite.

She doesn't HAVE to do all teh wedding stuff you listed to be your MOH, your closest friend. Those aren't requirements of being an MOH. As long as you think she will show up for the actual wedding, then there is no reason not to ask her.

aerinpegadrak

Your MOH should be the person emotionally closest to you.  Physical distance, potential helpfulness in planning, financial situation, ability to host parties...  None of these affect her ability to fulfill the duties of the MOH: get the dress, show up to the wedding on time, stand respectfully at the altar, smile for pictures.  If she wants to do more than that, groovy, but thinking that she won't is a crappy reason to pass someone over for MOH.

saxy414

Ok, thanks.  I love her--and I guess that's all I need to say to her.  "I want you to be my MOH", and then hope I'll get to spend some quality time with her leading up to the big day. 

emilyinchile

I was going to ditto PPs, but it looks like the message already got through

stina93446

I am glad you got what everyone was saying to you and not getting super defensive. You got some great advice.

You should ask whoever is your best friend, not who will help you the most or plan your parties. She is under no obligation to be at your shower/b party nor does she have to plan them. 2 of my bms didn't come to my shower and I honestly didn't notice that they weren't there. It was fine because there were 15 other elderly ladies there to bring me presents and play purse scavenger hunt with.

Also, bridal fairs suck. Especially for bms. They're totally for brides and just advertising. You can go alone or with your FI but don't drag honest people to something so awful.

aerinpegadrak

Oh yeah, I'm really glad I never went to any bridal fairs, even as a bride.  I've heard horror stories.

stina93446

I went to a Pronovias event in NYC and it was a mad house. Seriously, I would NOT recommend going. It was overwhelming. I already had most of my stuff purchased at that point so I was going mainly for the experience. The store was 6 stories and it was packed with women who were getting married. They had a hair stylist and a makeup artist, but the lines were insane, they had small yummies, a fashion show, etc. I ended up leaving early because I didn't like being elbowed by every skinny biitch in NYC.

tanyamtsc

I have a slightly different take.  I don't know the details of your friendship, but I will tell you to think about what you expect/need from a MOH and then decide whether or not she will be able to fulfill those duties.  The last thing you want is to feel like your MOH doesn't care or is blowing you off.  If all she wants to do is stand there at the wedding, she can just be a bridesmaid.  

My MOH is a dear friend, but can also be incredibly difficult and passive-aggressive.  She wants to do everything one minute and then nothing the next and it's becoming quite frustrating.  I knew it would probably be this way when I asked her, so I can't say I'm surprised.  But, I can say it's 1000% more frustrating than I ever expected.  

So, just be sure of what you want and whether or not she can step up to the plate and not make you life more difficult.   My MOH has fought me on everything - invitations, bachelorette, flowers, jewelry....  everything is a skirmish.  She is a dear friend and will come through in the end, but it will be a battle to the finish.  

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-ask-her-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70cf700b-c4a3-4ba6-bb70-0033269c9627Post:50169deb-5f21-4bdd-ad32-48b84eabf955">Re: Should I ask her to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a slightly different take.  I don't know the details of your friendship, but I will tell you to think about what you expect/need from a MOH and then decide whether or not she will be able to fulfill those duties.  The last thing you want is to feel like your MOH doesn't care or is blowing you off.  If all she wants to do is stand there at the wedding, she can just be a bridesmaid.  
Posted by tanyamtsc@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

:headdesk:

THERE.ARE.NO.DUTIES. I do not care what you read online at a website that's part of the wedding industry trying to hype things up even more so that people think they need to spend money on crap like a wedding planner for your MOH or a pre-made "emergency kit" or whatever else they're selling.

And Tanya, change your username to something that isn't your full name or contact info. These forums are visible to everyone on the internet, not just knotties, and people can use your e-mail to cyberstalk you.

aerinpegadrak

The only people who will tell you that the MOH has duties are the ones who can sell you exactly what she needs to pull them off.  Seriously, throw those lists out the window and simply expect that your friends will continue to be themselves, no matter what their titles.  It will give you a much less stressful planning experience, guaranteed.

Classic_amity

Every bride is different, every circumstance is different and relationships with MOHs are different... I think it's a little naive to say no matter what, everything is so black and white? Some MOHs want duties, some don't but it doesn't make it right/wrong. It's a little counter intuitive to be suggesting that the number one rule is there are no rules. That's just my opinion.

I've casually chatted with my sister, my MOH, over the years about when the wedding arrived what we both envisioned would happen planning-wise. Instead of a "do this" dialogue, it was moreso a back and fourth. She won't be doing some stuff I would have liked her to do but she has also showed interest in helping out in areas which I never even considered. Plus, if they volunteer to take on a task they truly like, the results will be much better than if you delegated some random chore to them.

They will be as involved as they want to be so have a chat about it.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-ask-her-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:70cf700b-c4a3-4ba6-bb70-0033269c9627Post:fa0947d1-d089-4918-9efe-ae0ebd247f7b">Re: Should I ask her to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Every bride is different, every circumstance is different and relationships with MOHs are different... I think it's a little naive to say no matter what, everything is so black and white? <strong>Some MOHs want duties</strong>, some don't but it doesn't make it right/wrong. It's a little counter intuitive to be suggesting that the number one rule is there are no rules. That's just my opinion. I've casually chatted with my sister, my MOH, over the years about when the wedding arrived what we both envisioned would happen planning-wise. Instead of a "do this" dialogue, it was moreso a back and fourth. She won't be doing some stuff I would have liked her to do but she has also showed interest in helping out in areas which I never even considered. Plus, if they volunteer to take on a task they truly like, the results will be much better than if you delegated some random chore to them. They will be as involved as they want to be so have a chat about it.
Posted by Classic_amity[/QUOTE]

No.  Some MOHs want to help you out, be there fore you, get excited for you, throw parties for you, and go do stuff with you.  No one wants to be given a list of duties or tasks. 

If your MOH does these things, she does them because she WANTS to, not because she is required or assigned to. Giving her duties turns her helpful and excited gesture into a list of crappy chores.

tanyamtsc

Well, maybe the word "duties" is the sticking point.  I just think that it should be based on what your expectations are.  If the person you are considering for MOH does not share the same view of MOH as you, then just think hard about whether that person will be the best pick for YOU. I'd say that if you are even having concerns, then that should be a clue to give it more thought.

If you expect an active involved MOH, don't ask someone  that you know won't be able to live up to that.  I'm kind of surprised at the responses - I am sure everyone has some expectations for an MOH or anyone in the bridal party, even if they are different.   

bablingbrooke

That's definitely fair, Tanya.  But I think the point everyone's trying to make is that since the MOH doesn't have to do anything besides buy the dress and show up to fulfill her obligations, it's really not fair to expect the MOH to do more than that and make your decision based on who you assume will be able to meet your expectations.  I've seen dozens of posts where a BM or MOH was chosen because the bride assumed said person would be a big help, and then it turned out that they had no interest in planning.  Usually it's coupled with "how do I kick her out and ask the true friend I really should have asked in the first place?"  

So I don't think that you and I necessarily disagree.  I guess I would just take it one step further and keep expectations low.  That way you can't be disappointed, you can only be pleasantly surprised

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-ask-her-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:70cf700b-c4a3-4ba6-bb70-0033269c9627Post:5d1ebb8e-f8d5-40ad-9e5a-092dbdd5ad90">Re: Should I ask her to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, maybe the word "duties" is the sticking point.  I just think that it should be based on what your expectations are.  If the person you are considering for MOH does not share the same view of MOH as you, then just think hard about whether that person will be the best pick for YOU. I'd say that if you are even having concerns, then that should be a clue to give it more thought. If you expect an active involved MOH, don't ask someone  that you know won't be able to live up to that.  I'm kind of surprised at the responses - I am sure everyone has some expectations for an MOH or anyone in the bridal party, even if they are different.   
Posted by tanyamtsc@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

I think we fundamentally, agree, it's about semantics. 

For me, the sticking point is that I wanted to be sure that if my MOH/BMs were doing anything, they were doing it because they chose to.  Having them throw showers and b-parties, help with DIY projects, etc because they offered and wanted to meant so much more to me that it would have if I thought they were just doing it out of obligation. 

tanyamtsc

Fair enough.  I did find this from Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, if it helps anyone:

Traditional responsibilities of the maid of honor include:http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps the bride select bridesmaids' attire and wedding dresshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps address invitations and place cardshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Attends as many prenuptial events as possiblehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">May host a shower, but not mandatoryhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Organizes bridesmaids' gift to the bride and usually gives an individual gift to the couplehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Pays for own wedding attire and transportation to weddinghttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Attends the rehearsal and rehearsal dinnerhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Makes sure that all bridesmaids, flower girl, and ring bearer are at the rehearsal and the ceremony on timehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Walks in processional and recessionalhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Holds the groom's wedding ringhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps with the bride's gownhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Arranges the bride's veil and train before the processional and recessionalhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Makes sure the bride's gown is picture perfect throughout the dayhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Holds the bride's bouquet during the ceremonyhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Witnesses the signing of the marriage certificatehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Stands in the receiving linehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Keeps the bride on schedulehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps the bride change into her going-away clotheshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Takes care of the bride's gown and accessories after the reception The traditional duties of a bridesmaid include:http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps the bride and maid of honorhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Takes care of own dress and accessories fittingshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">May help with a shower for the bride (optional)http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Assists the bride with errandshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Contributes to bridesmaids' gift to the bride and usually gives an individual gift to the couplehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Attends the rehearsal and rehearsal dinnerhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Arrives on time to get dressed for the weddinghttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Walks in processional and recessionalhttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">May participate in the receiving linehttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Dances with ushers and other guestshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps gather guests for the first dance, cake cutting, and bouquet tosshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Helps look after the couple's elderly relatives or friendshttp://weddings.weddingchannel.com/Sites/WeddingChannel/Styles/images/themed/bullet_purple.gif'); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: transparent; background-position: 0px 6px; border-width: 0px">Pays for own dress and transportation to the wedding

 

Dashofpurple

Wow, that post before me was crazy!

Anyways, one of my BM's is flaky, majority of the time she is late, and she cancels plans every so often BUT she is a dear friend and I am looking through all of that.  I do not expect her to do anything but get measurements for her dress, participate in the parties, and show up at my wedding!  BTW, my friend know she is not a punctual person and is falky.

I would just talk to her and tell her the truth.  She is your best friend and best friends talk about everything!  Just mention that you want her there to share your day and hopefully she will "step it up".